Post by redsycorax on Apr 12, 2021 0:45:56 GMT
Yes, it's time for yet another perennial instalment of the Freedom Brigade's highly irregular adventures. Yes, we know the Dork Multiverse is now supposed to be off limits given that it was killed off en masse last time, but Earth-Blumbus isn't part of that, for reasons which should shortly become obvious. Disclaimer: Yeah, I borrowed Earth-Blumbus from the Rick and Morty comic series. No copyright infringement is intended. This is just a nonprofit, oblique crossover fanfic.
+++
Sproink!
"'Sproink?' What sort of cheap special audio effect is 'sproink?' The Mighty HermAphrodite objected
"It's more or less habitual when our transmatter unit goes on the fritz, Butch and Toni." Mr Might remarked, looking around where they'd ended up.
"Hey, it's Christmas time. Cool!" Lightpower grinned.
"Er, nope. This particular alternate Earth doesn't seem to have that holiday. It's another one instead. "Blumbus." Bat Woman pointed to a poster.
Mermaid paid a religious brochure vendor some coinage, and came back with a convenient explanation of the event in question."
The Eye looked shocked- which happened because its pupil suddenly shrunk and its accompanying eyebrow was raised:
"Uh oh. This doesn't look good."
Bat Woman read the pamphlet: "What's your problem, Eye? Okay, so they have an entity called Truthsteak MacGloin, who seems to have been transformed into a pineapple and whose sweet succour gives nourishment to humanity-oh. Yes, I see what you mean."
Captain Swift read it in a matter of seconds: "Wow. So they take a lonely teenage boy home and have him around for dinner- only he's the main course?! Say what? This Earth legitimises cannibalism?"
"Under other circumstances, I would make a wildly inappropriate remark at this point about this being a distinct culture with its own practices and beliefs, but ewwwww. It got started when this Earth went through a period of intensified solar activity, leading to it becoming customary to consume a specific category of human flesh, namely 'surplus' adolescent guys. And given its low soil fertility, they don't have much of an environment to raise cattle due to it being slightly too close to its Sun to tolerate that environmental strain." Mr Might explained.
"But that was hundreds of years ago. Surely it's died out by now?"
The Eye shook its oculus: "I'm afraid not. This world has a Great Amazon Desert. Young women are drafted to fight in its wars, just to provide some sense of spurious equity. On the positive side, they don't have much of a teenage pregnancy problem here, given the lack of oversexed young men."
"Uh oh. Trouble. My smell o ring has just detected a chemical configuration related to the presence of prior interdimensional travellers. Which may explain the crowd of garishly clad mysterious beings who've just materialised across the street." Green Trashchan noted
"Million Ants!"
"Adam Rails!
"Supernova!"
"Vance Maximus!"
"Crocubot!"
"We are...the Vindicators!!! Hideous alien creatures from another dimension, your presence is not desired here Please leave now before we engage in repeated disjointed dialogue"
"Why are their eyes so large and why are they so small? Also, their voices are out of synch." Lightpower observed.
"Their speech patterns indicate badly dubbed translation from a Japanese original. Trouble. This dimension may tolerate all manner of scientific inaccuracies and extremely awkward social behaviour."
"Will you beings cease and desist and return to your eldritch nightmare dimension like that mad scientist and his blumberflarg bait who wantonly murdered an entire Blumberican family requiring our intervention as superheroes?" Vance Maximus demanded.
"'Eldritch nightmare dimension?' When your world practices cannibalism?" Mr Might queried.
"At least ours didn't elect a bright orange sluglike organism as its immediately prior USB president." Maximus replied sniffily
"No, actually, ours elected a beserk mutated chimpanzee but got tired of his temper tantrums and excrement throwing when he didn't get his way, so he got the sack in our last election."
"And you think your Earth isn't a nightmarish parody of normal humanity? What right have you to overturn our deeply cherished traditional values and deep religious faith?" Maximus retorted.
"Actually, they do have a point there- mmmph!" Abruptly, Lady Liberty found herself with no voice, due to the fact that otherwise she'd deliver yet another long, tiresome and overblown true believer libertarian tirade about the Blumberican right to religious liberty.
"Hey, Adam the black dude. What are you in this for?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Okay, personally, Africans and other ethnicities find the dietary requirements and habits of Euroblumbers here immoral and utterly nauseating and I don't partake, but unfortunately Blumberica regards itself as having the right to impose its beliefs on others. Added to which, they were so busy eating each other, slavery didn't exist in the United States of Blumberica on this world. So I'm basically a fully paid up Vindicator."
"Don't the teenage guys you ceremonially eat each Blumbus have their own rights?" Mermaid asked the Vindicators.
"And what happens to blumberflarg bait on your world?" Supernova replied imperiously.
"We send them off to foreign wars to get killed, but that isn't under debate here." Bat Woman snapped back.
Lightpower sighed: "Wow, this is weirdly like a Marbles Comics gabfest in which no one actually gets around to fighting because they're engaged in long drawn out existential and philosophical arguments with each other."
"Don't you personally want a night of passion before you're blumberflarged the next morning?" Supernova suggested.
"Uh, I don't know what it's like on your world but Billy- Captain Swift - and I are gay. Same-sexers."
"That's a meaningful social dichotomy where you come from?" Maximus gasped.
"Not as much as on some other Earths. Why, what's considered taboo here?"
"We mock and derogate those who fully deserve it, like Bee Gees fans, owners of small yappy irritating dogs and," Maximus gulped and whispered, "hair murderers!"
"We wouldn't know. Happily, on our Earth, the Melbourne Opera House collapsed due to their ultrasonic caterwauling and all of the Bee Gees were crushed underneath it when it fell, as was Barry Manilow. We were spared a decade of high pitched screeching and needless trauma for innocent cats and dogs." Bat Woman proudly commented.
"Oh yeah? On our world, L.Ron Hubbard was convicted of crimes against literature and imprisoned without parole immediately for the rest of his life." Maximus fired back
"Look, are we going to needlessly beat each other up, because Hamish my husband is waiting for me back home?" Lightpower interjected
No place to hide!
No place to run!
The Vindicators reign has now begun!
Vindicators!
Maximus is gay!
Vindicators!
Going astray!
Strange alter-dimensional creatures
are on the rampage, destroying all
with thunder!
But there's a team that's about to
make an awful fatal blunder!
Vindicators!
Maximus is gay!
Vindicators!
Going astray!
"Well, that was a tacky theme tune."
"What's yours like?"
The Freedom Brigade of
the United States!
The strength of Mr Might!
The stench of Green Trashcan!
The scarlet speedbump, Captain Swift!
The queen of the seas, Mermaid!
The enormous Amazon, Princess Power!
The torchweilding termagent, Lady Liberty!
Now working together for merchandising
and marketing purposes as...
The Freedom Brigade of the
United States!
"Call that a theme tune?"
And with that, the battle finally commenced. The Eye faced off against Supernova, only to find they were equally matched in terms of their visual acuity. Reluctantly, Adam Rails fought Black Vulcan, although neithers heart was really in it. Vance Maximus and Lightpower tried to get into the mood of combat, but were unfortunately too attracted to one another, leading to Lightpower seriously considering infidelity to Hamish for a couple of seconds, leaving Maximus pining when it wore off. Million Ants were unceremoniously consumed by a convenient horde of insectivorous fish, while Crocubot found himself diverted by lavish amounts of delectable looking bits of African wildlife due to Captain Swift running over to the continent and back with what were not endangered species on that Earth. Supernova noticed the others weren't fighting particularly actively, and then held up a placatory hand:
"Okay. How about if we close off this universe so that our alternate Earth has sovereignty here and carries on our traditions and culture? You can't fight off an entire planet."
Bat Woman shrugged: "Oh, all right. The multiversal spasm that brought us here in the first place is dispersing rapidly anyway. I've worked out the co-ordinates for our particular reality. If you stay here and don't bother anyone from the wider multiverse, we won't intervene here again."
"But what about the thousands of hapless teenage boys blumberflarged to a gory end?" Lightpower protested.
"The problem is, apparently the blumberflargery is consensual here. The adolescent hors d'oeuvre consider it a social honour and religious duty to be consumed for the good of all." The Eye commented.
"So we basically intervened and fought the Vindicators for no good reason whatsoever?" Captain Swift said as the helix that signalled multiversal transit began to coalesce around them.
"I blame that annoying dipsomaniac mad scientist and his extremely dim grandson for this situation. Let's forget any of this ever happened..." Lightpower said.
"Well, that was weird, although that Lightpower guy was seriously cute." Vance Maximus shrugged.
"What say we go back to the underground Vindicators base and have some nice seasoned blumberflarg to celebrate the season?" Supernova suggested.
"Mmm-mmm. With the twelve satanic herbs, spices and obscure biochemicals?" Crocubot spoke up.
"Think I'll just have some nice orange juice and toast." Adam Rails commented as their Vindicatormobile appeared and they piled into it. And for those who partook of the night's ceremonial feast, it was a cheery Blumbus for one and all, except for the teenage guy who was that year's blumberflarg, but different strokes for different folks.
EPIFLARG:
There was indeed a Batman and Robin analogue on Earth-Blumbus. Unfortunately, you can probably guess what finally happened to the Boy Blumber. Under the pretence that he was off to Hudblumb University, Ribose was ambushed by Bruche Ween and his antique butler, Antient and promptly dispatched. Ween and Antient quickly died of food poisoning, because the Boy Blumber had suspected what was about to happen and loaded up on slow acting toxins. Thus, unceremoniously, ended the lives of Bartman and Ribose, the Boy Blumber and their spinoff television series.
"The Infinite. Void. These. Are. The. Voyages. Of. The. Starship. Blumberprise. Its. Five Year. Mission. To. Exploit Bizarre New Worlds. For Tasty Male Teenage Blumberflarg bait. To seek out. New food sources. And. Demolish Time Honoured. Civilisations. To. Bloodily Feed. Where. No Person. Has. Fed. Before!!!"
-Captain William S. Blumbirk, USS Blumberprise, CE 2267/ ATMG 345.6
THE END
+++
Sproink!
"'Sproink?' What sort of cheap special audio effect is 'sproink?' The Mighty HermAphrodite objected
"It's more or less habitual when our transmatter unit goes on the fritz, Butch and Toni." Mr Might remarked, looking around where they'd ended up.
"Hey, it's Christmas time. Cool!" Lightpower grinned.
"Er, nope. This particular alternate Earth doesn't seem to have that holiday. It's another one instead. "Blumbus." Bat Woman pointed to a poster.
Mermaid paid a religious brochure vendor some coinage, and came back with a convenient explanation of the event in question."
The Eye looked shocked- which happened because its pupil suddenly shrunk and its accompanying eyebrow was raised:
"Uh oh. This doesn't look good."
Bat Woman read the pamphlet: "What's your problem, Eye? Okay, so they have an entity called Truthsteak MacGloin, who seems to have been transformed into a pineapple and whose sweet succour gives nourishment to humanity-oh. Yes, I see what you mean."
Captain Swift read it in a matter of seconds: "Wow. So they take a lonely teenage boy home and have him around for dinner- only he's the main course?! Say what? This Earth legitimises cannibalism?"
"Under other circumstances, I would make a wildly inappropriate remark at this point about this being a distinct culture with its own practices and beliefs, but ewwwww. It got started when this Earth went through a period of intensified solar activity, leading to it becoming customary to consume a specific category of human flesh, namely 'surplus' adolescent guys. And given its low soil fertility, they don't have much of an environment to raise cattle due to it being slightly too close to its Sun to tolerate that environmental strain." Mr Might explained.
"But that was hundreds of years ago. Surely it's died out by now?"
The Eye shook its oculus: "I'm afraid not. This world has a Great Amazon Desert. Young women are drafted to fight in its wars, just to provide some sense of spurious equity. On the positive side, they don't have much of a teenage pregnancy problem here, given the lack of oversexed young men."
"Uh oh. Trouble. My smell o ring has just detected a chemical configuration related to the presence of prior interdimensional travellers. Which may explain the crowd of garishly clad mysterious beings who've just materialised across the street." Green Trashchan noted
"Million Ants!"
"Adam Rails!
"Supernova!"
"Vance Maximus!"
"Crocubot!"
"We are...the Vindicators!!! Hideous alien creatures from another dimension, your presence is not desired here Please leave now before we engage in repeated disjointed dialogue"
"Why are their eyes so large and why are they so small? Also, their voices are out of synch." Lightpower observed.
"Their speech patterns indicate badly dubbed translation from a Japanese original. Trouble. This dimension may tolerate all manner of scientific inaccuracies and extremely awkward social behaviour."
"Will you beings cease and desist and return to your eldritch nightmare dimension like that mad scientist and his blumberflarg bait who wantonly murdered an entire Blumberican family requiring our intervention as superheroes?" Vance Maximus demanded.
"'Eldritch nightmare dimension?' When your world practices cannibalism?" Mr Might queried.
"At least ours didn't elect a bright orange sluglike organism as its immediately prior USB president." Maximus replied sniffily
"No, actually, ours elected a beserk mutated chimpanzee but got tired of his temper tantrums and excrement throwing when he didn't get his way, so he got the sack in our last election."
"And you think your Earth isn't a nightmarish parody of normal humanity? What right have you to overturn our deeply cherished traditional values and deep religious faith?" Maximus retorted.
"Actually, they do have a point there- mmmph!" Abruptly, Lady Liberty found herself with no voice, due to the fact that otherwise she'd deliver yet another long, tiresome and overblown true believer libertarian tirade about the Blumberican right to religious liberty.
"Hey, Adam the black dude. What are you in this for?" Black Vulcan asked.
"Okay, personally, Africans and other ethnicities find the dietary requirements and habits of Euroblumbers here immoral and utterly nauseating and I don't partake, but unfortunately Blumberica regards itself as having the right to impose its beliefs on others. Added to which, they were so busy eating each other, slavery didn't exist in the United States of Blumberica on this world. So I'm basically a fully paid up Vindicator."
"Don't the teenage guys you ceremonially eat each Blumbus have their own rights?" Mermaid asked the Vindicators.
"And what happens to blumberflarg bait on your world?" Supernova replied imperiously.
"We send them off to foreign wars to get killed, but that isn't under debate here." Bat Woman snapped back.
Lightpower sighed: "Wow, this is weirdly like a Marbles Comics gabfest in which no one actually gets around to fighting because they're engaged in long drawn out existential and philosophical arguments with each other."
"Don't you personally want a night of passion before you're blumberflarged the next morning?" Supernova suggested.
"Uh, I don't know what it's like on your world but Billy- Captain Swift - and I are gay. Same-sexers."
"That's a meaningful social dichotomy where you come from?" Maximus gasped.
"Not as much as on some other Earths. Why, what's considered taboo here?"
"We mock and derogate those who fully deserve it, like Bee Gees fans, owners of small yappy irritating dogs and," Maximus gulped and whispered, "hair murderers!"
"We wouldn't know. Happily, on our Earth, the Melbourne Opera House collapsed due to their ultrasonic caterwauling and all of the Bee Gees were crushed underneath it when it fell, as was Barry Manilow. We were spared a decade of high pitched screeching and needless trauma for innocent cats and dogs." Bat Woman proudly commented.
"Oh yeah? On our world, L.Ron Hubbard was convicted of crimes against literature and imprisoned without parole immediately for the rest of his life." Maximus fired back
"Look, are we going to needlessly beat each other up, because Hamish my husband is waiting for me back home?" Lightpower interjected
No place to hide!
No place to run!
The Vindicators reign has now begun!
Vindicators!
Maximus is gay!
Vindicators!
Going astray!
Strange alter-dimensional creatures
are on the rampage, destroying all
with thunder!
But there's a team that's about to
make an awful fatal blunder!
Vindicators!
Maximus is gay!
Vindicators!
Going astray!
"Well, that was a tacky theme tune."
"What's yours like?"
The Freedom Brigade of
the United States!
The strength of Mr Might!
The stench of Green Trashcan!
The scarlet speedbump, Captain Swift!
The queen of the seas, Mermaid!
The enormous Amazon, Princess Power!
The torchweilding termagent, Lady Liberty!
Now working together for merchandising
and marketing purposes as...
The Freedom Brigade of the
United States!
"Call that a theme tune?"
And with that, the battle finally commenced. The Eye faced off against Supernova, only to find they were equally matched in terms of their visual acuity. Reluctantly, Adam Rails fought Black Vulcan, although neithers heart was really in it. Vance Maximus and Lightpower tried to get into the mood of combat, but were unfortunately too attracted to one another, leading to Lightpower seriously considering infidelity to Hamish for a couple of seconds, leaving Maximus pining when it wore off. Million Ants were unceremoniously consumed by a convenient horde of insectivorous fish, while Crocubot found himself diverted by lavish amounts of delectable looking bits of African wildlife due to Captain Swift running over to the continent and back with what were not endangered species on that Earth. Supernova noticed the others weren't fighting particularly actively, and then held up a placatory hand:
"Okay. How about if we close off this universe so that our alternate Earth has sovereignty here and carries on our traditions and culture? You can't fight off an entire planet."
Bat Woman shrugged: "Oh, all right. The multiversal spasm that brought us here in the first place is dispersing rapidly anyway. I've worked out the co-ordinates for our particular reality. If you stay here and don't bother anyone from the wider multiverse, we won't intervene here again."
"But what about the thousands of hapless teenage boys blumberflarged to a gory end?" Lightpower protested.
"The problem is, apparently the blumberflargery is consensual here. The adolescent hors d'oeuvre consider it a social honour and religious duty to be consumed for the good of all." The Eye commented.
"So we basically intervened and fought the Vindicators for no good reason whatsoever?" Captain Swift said as the helix that signalled multiversal transit began to coalesce around them.
"I blame that annoying dipsomaniac mad scientist and his extremely dim grandson for this situation. Let's forget any of this ever happened..." Lightpower said.
"Well, that was weird, although that Lightpower guy was seriously cute." Vance Maximus shrugged.
"What say we go back to the underground Vindicators base and have some nice seasoned blumberflarg to celebrate the season?" Supernova suggested.
"Mmm-mmm. With the twelve satanic herbs, spices and obscure biochemicals?" Crocubot spoke up.
"Think I'll just have some nice orange juice and toast." Adam Rails commented as their Vindicatormobile appeared and they piled into it. And for those who partook of the night's ceremonial feast, it was a cheery Blumbus for one and all, except for the teenage guy who was that year's blumberflarg, but different strokes for different folks.
EPIFLARG:
There was indeed a Batman and Robin analogue on Earth-Blumbus. Unfortunately, you can probably guess what finally happened to the Boy Blumber. Under the pretence that he was off to Hudblumb University, Ribose was ambushed by Bruche Ween and his antique butler, Antient and promptly dispatched. Ween and Antient quickly died of food poisoning, because the Boy Blumber had suspected what was about to happen and loaded up on slow acting toxins. Thus, unceremoniously, ended the lives of Bartman and Ribose, the Boy Blumber and their spinoff television series.
"The Infinite. Void. These. Are. The. Voyages. Of. The. Starship. Blumberprise. Its. Five Year. Mission. To. Exploit Bizarre New Worlds. For Tasty Male Teenage Blumberflarg bait. To seek out. New food sources. And. Demolish Time Honoured. Civilisations. To. Bloodily Feed. Where. No Person. Has. Fed. Before!!!"
-Captain William S. Blumbirk, USS Blumberprise, CE 2267/ ATMG 345.6
THE END