Post by redsycorax on Apr 23, 2021 5:16:58 GMT
Hello children. Are you ready for today's stories? Then we'll begin. One day, Krieghilda the Valkyrie went to visit Brian Wumble in his dilapidated cottage. Grasping him roughly by his scrawny shoulders, she pulled him down on the bed tearing off his flimsy... Old Kelpicia, the Seaweed Queen, was a jolly maritime legend who loved the life of the sea. She loved to hang out around the pier where the ladies dressed as men... Dr McWhirter ran the corner shop. near the foot of the redwood tree, by the Jupiters Flytrap, near Ivy Town where he sold bootleg surplus nuclear weapons... Amazon bondage...with a coconut tree? AWKKK!!! Sorry, that was a narratophage infestation. For some reason, they seem to infest this particular thread. Yes, we return to Earth-55, the alternate Earth that houses the Freedom Brigade of the United States, well away from the more sensible areas of the Multiverse. Today, they are beset by an unwanted incursion from some old foes...
++++
Down in the intestines of New Yurt City, a shadowy figure prowled, with a sinister horned cowl. No, not that sinister horned cowl or that shadowy figure. As he stepped into the swinging light's range, he was plainly visible as.... Brickbat, the Master of A Dozen Rectangular Stone Objects!!! Brickbat scowled at the bulky green figure sauntered into view: "Bloor, the dictator of Uranus? But what are you doing here?"
"Uranus was rammed and its biosphere finally gave out. Also, our hordes of metal-chested Incongruazons defected to Venus. Curse the Freedom Force!"
"Hang on, wasn't your enemy supposed to be Power Nelson, the Future Man?"
"He was, but something went badly wrong and...good heavens! Roach Wrangler! Generic Person? What an assembly for evilness!"
"Hey, why the question mark when my name was brought up?" queried the Acrimonious Outline.
"Sorry, GP. Nothing intentional. We seem to have been assembled for a reason- and somebody was responsible!" Brickbat rasped.
"Let us create a new criminal organisation and call it... the Banality of Evil!" Bloor cackled.
"Shouldn't we have some female supervillains enlisted?"
And then a vaguely female form lurched into view: "Looking for me, boys?"
"Why, it's Gorilla Boss, an arch enemy of Batsvestites across the Multiverse. Weren't you supposed to be male, though?" Generic Person gasped.
"No, for the purposes of this outing, I'm from Earth-11, which conveniently explains the gender switch."
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Let the Freedom Brigade beware... the Banality of Evil!!!" Bloor insanely chortled.
"Er, Bloor? About our group title..." Brickbat whispered.
METROVILLE CITY:
As Bat Woman and her Bat Girls patrolled Metroville City, an ominous shadow was cast across their path. And then another. Bat Woman frowned:
"Excuse me, I'm the only licensed holder of the Bat Person archetrope on this particular alternate Earth. There's only room for one."
"Then how do you explain Badman, who's basically a complete and utter Batman rip-off, albeit with a different logo on his chest and a bent cowl point?"
"Step out into the light where I can see you!"
In response, the mysterious figure threw a series of gas-filled bricks at the Darknight Dare-Damsel. Unfortunately, given the fact that they were indeed bricks and far denser than the gas they contained, they fell well short of Bat Woman and the regiment of Bat Girls behind her:
"Wait a minute! Only one bat-themed villain has that inane gimmick, and a clashing lime green suit to match! Brickbat! So it is you!"
"I see my reputation precedes me, Bat Woman."
"Well, your bricks certainly didn't." Bat Woman prepared for battle, but just then, a crook appeared and Brickbat was removed from the scene of an excruciatingly unconvincing crime.
"Oh, not another one. Do I have to repeat that intellectual property and licensee status commentary all over again?"
"No, Bat Woman, for I am... the Horned Hood!"
"What is this, Former Retired Villains Recriminalisation Day? And you're supposed to be from Earth-S. What are you doing here?!"
"Well, Mr Scarlet and Pinky are apparently too embarrassed to be seen with me and this cheap gimmick of mine, and so is the Death Battalion. They threw me out so I crossed the Multiverse until I came here. And at least I don't have an attached Bat prefix or suffix anywhere in my name."
"You won't take me, Bat Woman."
WHAM! POW! ZING! WALLOP! BLEEP!
"'Bleep?'
"Sorry, we've had to cut back on battle sound effects. Your game is over, Horned Hood! There are only so many lousy cheap Bat ripoffs in existence!"
NEAR SPACE:
High above, Mr Might was cruising at a high altitude, on his way back from a space mission to prevent Nebulon and Piggalon colliding with one another. Suddenly, the Man of Tomorrow's Yesterday was perplexed by an outline etched in space:
"Generic Person? But aren't you supposed to be just a pretentious existential gimmick?"
"Uniqueness and individuality are at the core of all human suffering, Mr Might."
"Uh, given our apparent strong resemblance to that "Justice League" group on Earth-One, aren't you talking to the wrong conceptual parallel?"
"You are the strongest person in this world! You must pay for standing out amidst the crowd." Generic Person lunged at Mr Might.
"This is serious, unlike the rule in this thread! If you connect with me, I'll become a vague outline too!"
"Give up, Mr Might! Even your abilities cannot outlast me, for ever."
"Hang on, that's right. Your abilities don't correspond to any of my several one weaknesses."
"Oh crap!" Generic Person said, as a haymaker from the Man of Rust connected and was kayoed.
ORBOPOLIS:
The Eye had received the messages about encounters with cut-rate, highly incompetent supervillains and awaited his turn. Sure enough, a horde of scuttling cockroaches heralded the arrival of... the Roach Liberator. The Eye gestured toward the pile of writhing incest vermin and a giant flyspray can abruptly appeared alongside it, aimed directly at the incoming pestilence. From its nozzle, a thick, acrid cloud of maximum strength insecticide emanated, which meant that the little buggers were soon on their backs with their six legs waving feebly in the air, as the pallid form of the insectopath in question pointed an accusing finger at the Optical Avenger:
"Murderer!"
"Oh, that's right, you're an animal rights activist, aren't you?"
"How could you?! Don't you think those thousands of innocent cucharachas you just wantonly massacred deserved to live as well?"
"Look, it's nothing personal. You've just got an extremely weak modus operandi and highly questionable superpower. I sympathise. I used to have the same problem. Have you thought about heading over to Earth-177, where there was a nuclear war in 1987 and cockroaches are the dominant form of life? I think you'd be extremely happy there."
"Wow. An interdimensional roach sanctuary, where my little companions can live safe from vertebrate tyranny and callousness! How can I ever thank you, Eye?"
"Think nothing of it. You aren't actually evil, more misguided. Goodbye and have a happy continued existence, Roach Liberator."
Which meant another supervillain had to take Roach Liberator's place. Abruptly, an irate female gorilla in a fifties outfit materialised where the sadly misunderstood friend of insect vermin had stood mere moments ago. She gnashed her somewhat forbidding teeth: "Eye! I, Gorilla Boss, have come for you!"
"Oh. Well, a female sapient gorilla is as convincing as a male one, I suppose. And how do you intend to stop me, predatory primate of pain?"
"That's quite good, actually, I like it. But I have been assigned here by the Banality of Evil to engineer your downfall!"
The Eye started to laugh: "The Banality... of Evil?"
"Look, all the really good supervillain titles are already taken. We had to make do. And I thought I'd be fighting Bat Woman instead of you."
The Eye rolled his pupil: "Oh, all right. Let's have a battle."
ZAP! WALLOP! CLANG! POW! WHAM! BOING!
"Boing?"
"Hey, beggars can't be choosers with our budget for sound effects. Erk! A giant eyepatch!"
As she grappled with the captive Eye, Gorilla Boss happily reflected to herself that being a superintelligent primate did have some advantages in tactical combat. The Eye groaned to itself, realising that if it had only been Lady Liberty or Princess Power who had fought her, Gorilla Boss might have responded to interspecies feminist dialogue referring to the fact that she was the sole female involved with the Banality of Evil, and should have been the leader, given how effective she was as a supervillain, and anyway, rugged combat was so patriarchal...
VENUS-55:
Around the multiverse, alternate Earths are not the only planets in the solar system that vary from universe to universe. We've already established Neptune is inhabited by incompetent aliens whose invasion was seriously bungled and who are dealing with Martian red weed ennui. Some Venuses are hellworlds with forbidding dense atmospheres causing a superheated surface. Some are home to Carboniferous jungle analogues. Others have seltzer water seas. Others are vast planetary deserts. In some alternate solar systems, Venus has its own Moon-sized satellite and so has a shorter day, tides and sapient life. Most of them are matriarchies. And some of them are just plain weird.
Princess Power and Lady Liberty were farewelling their old friend, Queen Desiris of Venera Monstrosa. When the tongue kissing had stopped between Princess Power and Queen Desiris, Lady Liberty raised an eyebrow: "What?"
"Does Steve Tremor know about you and Her Royal Homewreckerness over there?"
"Your Majesty! Earth womanlings! We have sighted a planetary invasion fleet! From Uranus!"
Queen Desiris smote her fist: "Gadzooks! It must be Bloor of Uranus, come to reclaim his Incongruazons from this oasis of planetary peace and enlightenment!"
Lady Liberty frowned: "They suffered under a male ruler?"
"Possibly. He's got bug eyes, extremely large lips and he's a revoltingly lurid shade of green. If he is a he. Don't ask me how lizardoids evolved billions of miles from our solar system's ecosphere and managed to establish a foothold on a gaseous upper atmosphere, but then scientific accuracy has never been this series strong point."
Lady Liberty contacted FBUS HQ:
"Green Trashcan? Mermaid? Mighty HermAphrodite? Is there anyone there who can teleport us across to the flagship of the Uranusian armada?"
The telepathic circuit crackled: "Sure thing, Dana. We were just about to head out there ourselves."
URANUSIAN FLAGSHIP:
As Mermaid, Green Trashcan and the Mighty HermAphrodite materialised, GT used his smell o ring to negate the horrible methane odour lurking around the vessel, while the Mighty Hermaphrodite closed on Bloor: "Hah! You're a strong man but you can't frighten me!"
"Excuse me, I'm a nonbinary metahuman? Please use proper personal pronouns when engaged in combat against me."
"Sorry. Actually. we Uranusians don't have any genders to speak of. We just bud. Damn. My surreptitious plot to use the Banality of Evil as a front to invade Venus has failed."
"Who were you going to sic on us next, Bloor? ' Reefer King?' When cannabis has never been illegal on our Earth?"
"Mumble mumble grrft!" The Eye complained profusely beneath his giant eyepatch snare.
"Gorilla Boss? Could you free our erstwhile captive?"
Gorilla Boss grumbled to herself: "Typical weak male leadership. Next time I'll find an all-female supervillainess squad..."
"Oh, please do! Libby, Vicky and I would be only too happy to fight a highly competent, professional set of female villains for once! It's normally an enormous sausage party around here."
"I can relate, sisters. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll retreat to Earth-11 so you can mop up this affair." And with that, Gorilla Boss ran to the transmatter cube and dematerialised:
"As for you, Bloor, your plot is undone. Return to Uranus and don't even think of raiding the inner solar system with a hackneyed set of has-been supervillains again!"
"Hmmph," said Generic Person,"I'm off back to Earth-Null to fight the Heckler again. And I think I resent the term hackneyed in reference to me, thanks very much."
"Hey, it was good to fight an ungendered supervillain for once, too, though. Don't be a stranger!" Mighty HermAphrodite waved goodbye.
And with that, the abortive supervillains organisation lapsed into quiescence, nevermore to rise from its ashes and dust.
THE END
++++
Down in the intestines of New Yurt City, a shadowy figure prowled, with a sinister horned cowl. No, not that sinister horned cowl or that shadowy figure. As he stepped into the swinging light's range, he was plainly visible as.... Brickbat, the Master of A Dozen Rectangular Stone Objects!!! Brickbat scowled at the bulky green figure sauntered into view: "Bloor, the dictator of Uranus? But what are you doing here?"
"Uranus was rammed and its biosphere finally gave out. Also, our hordes of metal-chested Incongruazons defected to Venus. Curse the Freedom Force!"
"Hang on, wasn't your enemy supposed to be Power Nelson, the Future Man?"
"He was, but something went badly wrong and...good heavens! Roach Wrangler! Generic Person? What an assembly for evilness!"
"Hey, why the question mark when my name was brought up?" queried the Acrimonious Outline.
"Sorry, GP. Nothing intentional. We seem to have been assembled for a reason- and somebody was responsible!" Brickbat rasped.
"Let us create a new criminal organisation and call it... the Banality of Evil!" Bloor cackled.
"Shouldn't we have some female supervillains enlisted?"
And then a vaguely female form lurched into view: "Looking for me, boys?"
"Why, it's Gorilla Boss, an arch enemy of Batsvestites across the Multiverse. Weren't you supposed to be male, though?" Generic Person gasped.
"No, for the purposes of this outing, I'm from Earth-11, which conveniently explains the gender switch."
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Let the Freedom Brigade beware... the Banality of Evil!!!" Bloor insanely chortled.
"Er, Bloor? About our group title..." Brickbat whispered.
METROVILLE CITY:
As Bat Woman and her Bat Girls patrolled Metroville City, an ominous shadow was cast across their path. And then another. Bat Woman frowned:
"Excuse me, I'm the only licensed holder of the Bat Person archetrope on this particular alternate Earth. There's only room for one."
"Then how do you explain Badman, who's basically a complete and utter Batman rip-off, albeit with a different logo on his chest and a bent cowl point?"
"Step out into the light where I can see you!"
In response, the mysterious figure threw a series of gas-filled bricks at the Darknight Dare-Damsel. Unfortunately, given the fact that they were indeed bricks and far denser than the gas they contained, they fell well short of Bat Woman and the regiment of Bat Girls behind her:
"Wait a minute! Only one bat-themed villain has that inane gimmick, and a clashing lime green suit to match! Brickbat! So it is you!"
"I see my reputation precedes me, Bat Woman."
"Well, your bricks certainly didn't." Bat Woman prepared for battle, but just then, a crook appeared and Brickbat was removed from the scene of an excruciatingly unconvincing crime.
"Oh, not another one. Do I have to repeat that intellectual property and licensee status commentary all over again?"
"No, Bat Woman, for I am... the Horned Hood!"
"What is this, Former Retired Villains Recriminalisation Day? And you're supposed to be from Earth-S. What are you doing here?!"
"Well, Mr Scarlet and Pinky are apparently too embarrassed to be seen with me and this cheap gimmick of mine, and so is the Death Battalion. They threw me out so I crossed the Multiverse until I came here. And at least I don't have an attached Bat prefix or suffix anywhere in my name."
"You won't take me, Bat Woman."
WHAM! POW! ZING! WALLOP! BLEEP!
"'Bleep?'
"Sorry, we've had to cut back on battle sound effects. Your game is over, Horned Hood! There are only so many lousy cheap Bat ripoffs in existence!"
NEAR SPACE:
High above, Mr Might was cruising at a high altitude, on his way back from a space mission to prevent Nebulon and Piggalon colliding with one another. Suddenly, the Man of Tomorrow's Yesterday was perplexed by an outline etched in space:
"Generic Person? But aren't you supposed to be just a pretentious existential gimmick?"
"Uniqueness and individuality are at the core of all human suffering, Mr Might."
"Uh, given our apparent strong resemblance to that "Justice League" group on Earth-One, aren't you talking to the wrong conceptual parallel?"
"You are the strongest person in this world! You must pay for standing out amidst the crowd." Generic Person lunged at Mr Might.
"This is serious, unlike the rule in this thread! If you connect with me, I'll become a vague outline too!"
"Give up, Mr Might! Even your abilities cannot outlast me, for ever."
"Hang on, that's right. Your abilities don't correspond to any of my several one weaknesses."
"Oh crap!" Generic Person said, as a haymaker from the Man of Rust connected and was kayoed.
ORBOPOLIS:
The Eye had received the messages about encounters with cut-rate, highly incompetent supervillains and awaited his turn. Sure enough, a horde of scuttling cockroaches heralded the arrival of... the Roach Liberator. The Eye gestured toward the pile of writhing incest vermin and a giant flyspray can abruptly appeared alongside it, aimed directly at the incoming pestilence. From its nozzle, a thick, acrid cloud of maximum strength insecticide emanated, which meant that the little buggers were soon on their backs with their six legs waving feebly in the air, as the pallid form of the insectopath in question pointed an accusing finger at the Optical Avenger:
"Murderer!"
"Oh, that's right, you're an animal rights activist, aren't you?"
"How could you?! Don't you think those thousands of innocent cucharachas you just wantonly massacred deserved to live as well?"
"Look, it's nothing personal. You've just got an extremely weak modus operandi and highly questionable superpower. I sympathise. I used to have the same problem. Have you thought about heading over to Earth-177, where there was a nuclear war in 1987 and cockroaches are the dominant form of life? I think you'd be extremely happy there."
"Wow. An interdimensional roach sanctuary, where my little companions can live safe from vertebrate tyranny and callousness! How can I ever thank you, Eye?"
"Think nothing of it. You aren't actually evil, more misguided. Goodbye and have a happy continued existence, Roach Liberator."
Which meant another supervillain had to take Roach Liberator's place. Abruptly, an irate female gorilla in a fifties outfit materialised where the sadly misunderstood friend of insect vermin had stood mere moments ago. She gnashed her somewhat forbidding teeth: "Eye! I, Gorilla Boss, have come for you!"
"Oh. Well, a female sapient gorilla is as convincing as a male one, I suppose. And how do you intend to stop me, predatory primate of pain?"
"That's quite good, actually, I like it. But I have been assigned here by the Banality of Evil to engineer your downfall!"
The Eye started to laugh: "The Banality... of Evil?"
"Look, all the really good supervillain titles are already taken. We had to make do. And I thought I'd be fighting Bat Woman instead of you."
The Eye rolled his pupil: "Oh, all right. Let's have a battle."
ZAP! WALLOP! CLANG! POW! WHAM! BOING!
"Boing?"
"Hey, beggars can't be choosers with our budget for sound effects. Erk! A giant eyepatch!"
As she grappled with the captive Eye, Gorilla Boss happily reflected to herself that being a superintelligent primate did have some advantages in tactical combat. The Eye groaned to itself, realising that if it had only been Lady Liberty or Princess Power who had fought her, Gorilla Boss might have responded to interspecies feminist dialogue referring to the fact that she was the sole female involved with the Banality of Evil, and should have been the leader, given how effective she was as a supervillain, and anyway, rugged combat was so patriarchal...
VENUS-55:
Around the multiverse, alternate Earths are not the only planets in the solar system that vary from universe to universe. We've already established Neptune is inhabited by incompetent aliens whose invasion was seriously bungled and who are dealing with Martian red weed ennui. Some Venuses are hellworlds with forbidding dense atmospheres causing a superheated surface. Some are home to Carboniferous jungle analogues. Others have seltzer water seas. Others are vast planetary deserts. In some alternate solar systems, Venus has its own Moon-sized satellite and so has a shorter day, tides and sapient life. Most of them are matriarchies. And some of them are just plain weird.
Princess Power and Lady Liberty were farewelling their old friend, Queen Desiris of Venera Monstrosa. When the tongue kissing had stopped between Princess Power and Queen Desiris, Lady Liberty raised an eyebrow: "What?"
"Does Steve Tremor know about you and Her Royal Homewreckerness over there?"
"Your Majesty! Earth womanlings! We have sighted a planetary invasion fleet! From Uranus!"
Queen Desiris smote her fist: "Gadzooks! It must be Bloor of Uranus, come to reclaim his Incongruazons from this oasis of planetary peace and enlightenment!"
Lady Liberty frowned: "They suffered under a male ruler?"
"Possibly. He's got bug eyes, extremely large lips and he's a revoltingly lurid shade of green. If he is a he. Don't ask me how lizardoids evolved billions of miles from our solar system's ecosphere and managed to establish a foothold on a gaseous upper atmosphere, but then scientific accuracy has never been this series strong point."
Lady Liberty contacted FBUS HQ:
"Green Trashcan? Mermaid? Mighty HermAphrodite? Is there anyone there who can teleport us across to the flagship of the Uranusian armada?"
The telepathic circuit crackled: "Sure thing, Dana. We were just about to head out there ourselves."
URANUSIAN FLAGSHIP:
As Mermaid, Green Trashcan and the Mighty HermAphrodite materialised, GT used his smell o ring to negate the horrible methane odour lurking around the vessel, while the Mighty Hermaphrodite closed on Bloor: "Hah! You're a strong man but you can't frighten me!"
"Excuse me, I'm a nonbinary metahuman? Please use proper personal pronouns when engaged in combat against me."
"Sorry. Actually. we Uranusians don't have any genders to speak of. We just bud. Damn. My surreptitious plot to use the Banality of Evil as a front to invade Venus has failed."
"Who were you going to sic on us next, Bloor? ' Reefer King?' When cannabis has never been illegal on our Earth?"
"Mumble mumble grrft!" The Eye complained profusely beneath his giant eyepatch snare.
"Gorilla Boss? Could you free our erstwhile captive?"
Gorilla Boss grumbled to herself: "Typical weak male leadership. Next time I'll find an all-female supervillainess squad..."
"Oh, please do! Libby, Vicky and I would be only too happy to fight a highly competent, professional set of female villains for once! It's normally an enormous sausage party around here."
"I can relate, sisters. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll retreat to Earth-11 so you can mop up this affair." And with that, Gorilla Boss ran to the transmatter cube and dematerialised:
"As for you, Bloor, your plot is undone. Return to Uranus and don't even think of raiding the inner solar system with a hackneyed set of has-been supervillains again!"
"Hmmph," said Generic Person,"I'm off back to Earth-Null to fight the Heckler again. And I think I resent the term hackneyed in reference to me, thanks very much."
"Hey, it was good to fight an ungendered supervillain for once, too, though. Don't be a stranger!" Mighty HermAphrodite waved goodbye.
And with that, the abortive supervillains organisation lapsed into quiescence, nevermore to rise from its ashes and dust.
THE END