Post by redsycorax on May 14, 2021 2:41:28 GMT
Because Earth-55 is a parody of Earth-One, and the Freedom Brigade is a bad parody of the Justice League, yes, this Earth also has a group of metahuman teenagers in its future. Unfortunately, they're not particularly competent or memorable metahumans, but you probably figured that out anyway. As to what the Legion of Hyper Entities has to do with the Freedom Brigade, draw up a seat and all shall be explained...
TRITEOPOLIS, AD 2521:
"Roll call!"
"Green Boy, who can turn anything green. Camera Boy, who literally has a photographic eye. The Mess. Polecat, who has superstench abilities. Animal Lad. Calamity King...oops. Quake Kid...don't get too close to Energy Lad, or Quake Kid, CK, thanks. Golden Boy. Tusker. Eyeful Ethel. Arm-Fall Off Boy. Estimate Lad. The Skreeks."
"SKREEK!!!"
"Right, we're here because we need to induct a new member into our ranks. So, okay, you're Moggar, otherwise known as Incoherent Purple Catman?" Estimate Lad asked.
"Miaworrr. Yes."
"What are your superpowers?"
"Basically, enhanced cat ones. I can leap prodigious distances, especially when startled by cucumbers. I can hear fridge doors opening from a vast distance away. I can mesmerise people into doing my will. I'm very good at scaring rodent based beings. And anyway, given your respective abilities, I reckon I'm a shoe-in." Moggar towered over the others. He was wholly purple, had a scaly body and tail and recognisably leonine features. He thought he was probably in with a good chance, given how questionable the abilities of some of the existing Legion members were. Arm-Fall Off Boy? Eyeful Ethel? Camera Boy? Green Boy? Golden Boy? Sheesh!
Hurried whispering occurred amidst the Legionarys, until they'd come to a rushed conclusion:
"We're sorry, Incoherent Purple Cat Man, but you don't have the particular set of abilities that we're looking for."
"It's because I'm not humanoid, isn't it? I mean, I'm sorry, but some of your own abilities are just the result of physiological anomalies and the others are just plain useless in a combat situation."
"That's untrue. My superstench can drive people away so combat concludes in a short span of time." Polecat exclaimed.
"Admit it. You're all just here for the comic value because you're mildly amusing rejects from Legion of Super Heroes applications and this world has really, really low standards for superheroes."
"We don't really care for your insinuations, Incoherent Purple Catman."
"You'll pay for this! I'm going to have an inconsistent characterisation attack and suddenly become a supervillain!"
NYERK, AD 2521.
Bat Woman, the Eye and Mr Might materialised in a flat, derelict plain, where a desolate wind blew, surrounded by ruined and overgrown buildings, cracked sidewalks and ragged, impoverished inhabitants. Yes, the Big Apple hadn't changed at all in the last five centuries.
"Don't tell me that was another teleport malfunction?" Mr Might groaned.
Bat Woman nodded: "According to my Bat Computer, it seems we've been cast forward into the future. Five hundred years or so past our use-by date."
"Badly dressed lurid strangers! Can you help us? We are hopelessly terrorised by a sinister array of mutated creatures. A giant land dwelling clam! A magnetic eye monster! A flying swordfish! And...a rolling thing!"
The Eye took umbrage at this: "Excuse me, quite frankly I resent your aspersions against giant floating eyes with vision powers."
"Ours is bloodshot. Please, help us mere mortals against these night terrors! They're led by an Incoherent Purple Catman!"
Mr Might frowned: "Hang on, we've had a crossover here before. Isn't the resident hero the Mighty Delilah?"
"Yes, but she's away resisting the malignant sorceress Terria in the adjacent anarchistic territory of Njerze, where she's a tyrant queen."
Abruptly, there was a woosh and the Legion of Hyper Entities finally arrived in this badly strung out plotline. Or, more precisely, Arm Fall Off Boy, Eyefull Ethel, Camera Boy and Green Boy did.
"Mayor Sharman! We heard there was a fiendish menace afoot or a tentacle here and decided to intervene!"
"Oh, Estimate Lad! We are besieged by hideously disfigured mutants."
Eyefull Ethel and Arm Fall Off Boy glared at him. Bat Woman cleared her throat:
"Perhaps we can help. We're members of the Freedom Brigade of the United States from the past."
"Which explains the bad wardrobe malfunctions, I suppose. "
Bat Woman rolled her eyes: "Look, buster, I've read your bio. You're basically a bargain basement high intelligence creature whose father was a calculator, only your abilities are limited to numerical calculation. So can the sarcasm."
"We are representatives of a technologically advanced civilisation!" Green Boy protested.
"Right, which explains the surroundings..." Green Trashcan smirked.
"There are some things even high technology can't fix." Polecat sighed.
"Who is this Incoherent Purple Catman person anyway?" The Eye asked, bringing them back to the raison d'etre for this crossover.
"He seems to be a mutated leonoid from the remains of Nyerk Zoo, who has acquired anomalous bodily characteristics which he thought would entitle himself to automatic membership in our Legion of Hyper Entities. The very idea!" Estimate Lad sniffed.
"Hey, Eye. I'm a major fan. Given that nine eyes are way better than two, why don't we team up and head off on a reconnaissance mission?" Eyeful Ethel offered.
"Of course, my dear Ethel. And I must say, it's excellent to meet another ocularly advantaged individual in our line of work."
"Added to which, I find your cornea to die for..."
Arm Fall Off Boy's arm fell off and wriggled around. It then raised a finger up, as if inspired, twisted and beckoned to the other members of the two groups:
"Ah. So your arm does something other than fall off?"
"Yes. You see, I was bitten by a bad tempered radioactive lizard when I was a baby and somehow acquired its ability to shed body parts when I got tired of them and it got tired of me."
NJERZE, AD 2521:
"Who's been ruining everything?
It's been Terria behind the scenes!
Who's been manipulating all the plotlines?
It's been Terria behind the scenes!
She's lascivious (Bwahaha!)
and so devious
That you probably didn't realise it
And a shame it is (A shame it is)
With this rip off ditty ditty ditty ditty
It's too late to mend this sad timeline
Now I've buggered up everything
Cheers for Terria (Ha!)
Wicked Terria
It's been Terria behind the scenes!...
And I killed Absorbency Boy too!"
"Oh, good grief! Seriously, Terria, I knew you were diabolical, but that is the most ghastly theme tune parody I've ever heard! And did it have to be expository dialogue related to That Other Comics Company?"
"And you can stop whingeing, Delilah, dahling! Look, this whole series needs an utterly camp supervillain and I've decided to apply for the role, once I polish off that annoying Incoherent Purple Catman over in Nyerk!" Terria cackled evilly.
"Never! I'll get free from this bondage and then...oh, stop laughing at those double entendres! This is G rated comic fanfiction and it has its traditional meaning."
At that point, fragile masonry exploded outward:
"Surrender, Terria!"
"Oh poo. Hello, Legionarys. I see you've met those Freedom Brigadiers that I deliberately teleported here from the ancient past."
Estimate Lad pointed a finger at Terria: "Surrender, Terria! We know that you and Incoherent Purple Catman are working together on this."
Terria frowned: "What? No, we aren't. Do you really think I'd waste time with a horde of unlikely mutants like that lot?"
Bat Woman crossed her arms: "Excuse me, if I may? That giant roving carnivorous land clam and flying swordfish both bear the marks of a twisted mage. For one thing, they're rather unlikely to evolve naturally, even given the sheer illogic that seems to pervade the basic fabric of our world. So, by correlation, guess who that leaves?"
"Well, it will avail you nothing! And you've left out my rolling aardvark and evil eye, incidentally."
"Possibly because it was too embarrassing to mention?" Bat Woman riposted.
"Excuse me, I'm the Legion's official supergenius. I get to do all the sarcastic, witty dialogue." Estimate Lad snapped.
"Nyahahahaha!!!" cackled Terria, about to teleport away in a dark cloud of eldritch smoke, until the Eye floated in:
"The delightful Ethel and I tracked down the Incoherent Catman's mutant stooges and made clam chowder out of one of them, convinced the rolling aadvark that that was actually a perfectly reasonable defensive mechanism for a mammal of his species and not a mutation at all, and the flying swordfish was offered a chance to star in a marine fair with its own lucrative contract and as much seafood as it could eat. As for that other Eye, it turned out to be a descendant of mine, by sheer coincidence. I pointed out to it that if it hurt me, it endangered its own future."
As Arm Fall Off Boy's arm rejoined the rest of him, the other Legionary grinned:
"And my arm sneaked around the back of Incoherent Purple Catman and knocked him out while he wasn't looking. When he came to, Green Boy had cucumbers on hand ready to cower him into submission. Which, admittedly, leaves the slight problem of Terria."
"Drat! My latest ploy for world domination has failed again! It'd have worked too if it weren't for you meddling metahumans!" Terria fumed, before she realised that her eldritch smoke had disappeared and she hadn't magically teleported away. At which point, Eyefull Ethel hoisted a large blaster gun at her:
"Don't move, Terry! I can see all of your possible escape routes and I've programmed them all into this blastooka." And so, Terria the Sorceress was hauled off to Tacky-Grommet interstellar prison.
EPILOGUE:
"Well, it was nice meeting you, Legionarys, but we need to return to our own time period now. Incidentally, how did New York get so ruined and bent out of shape? And don't say it was always like this, even if it was for the purpose of a cheap gag. A very cheap gag."
"Our historical records are sketchy, Mr Might. We think it was a morbidly obese orange anthropoid who threw his weight around and demolished half the city as a result."
As the Freedom Brigadiers dematerialised after Terria's temporal displacement spell wore off, Estimate Lad muttered: "Pompous know it all show off! I'm glad she's gone."
Back in the twenty first century, Bat Woman sighed in relief as she said to Mr Might and the Eye: "I'm glad that's over. What a tiresome control freak Estimate Lad was!"
And in her prison cell on Tacky-Grommet, a somewhat smug Terria smirked to herself as she watched the licensing revenue proceeds from the title theme tune above flow into her Natlorean bank account. See, she mused. This proves that crime does pay after all!
THE END
TRITEOPOLIS, AD 2521:
"Roll call!"
"Green Boy, who can turn anything green. Camera Boy, who literally has a photographic eye. The Mess. Polecat, who has superstench abilities. Animal Lad. Calamity King...oops. Quake Kid...don't get too close to Energy Lad, or Quake Kid, CK, thanks. Golden Boy. Tusker. Eyeful Ethel. Arm-Fall Off Boy. Estimate Lad. The Skreeks."
"SKREEK!!!"
"Right, we're here because we need to induct a new member into our ranks. So, okay, you're Moggar, otherwise known as Incoherent Purple Catman?" Estimate Lad asked.
"Miaworrr. Yes."
"What are your superpowers?"
"Basically, enhanced cat ones. I can leap prodigious distances, especially when startled by cucumbers. I can hear fridge doors opening from a vast distance away. I can mesmerise people into doing my will. I'm very good at scaring rodent based beings. And anyway, given your respective abilities, I reckon I'm a shoe-in." Moggar towered over the others. He was wholly purple, had a scaly body and tail and recognisably leonine features. He thought he was probably in with a good chance, given how questionable the abilities of some of the existing Legion members were. Arm-Fall Off Boy? Eyeful Ethel? Camera Boy? Green Boy? Golden Boy? Sheesh!
Hurried whispering occurred amidst the Legionarys, until they'd come to a rushed conclusion:
"We're sorry, Incoherent Purple Cat Man, but you don't have the particular set of abilities that we're looking for."
"It's because I'm not humanoid, isn't it? I mean, I'm sorry, but some of your own abilities are just the result of physiological anomalies and the others are just plain useless in a combat situation."
"That's untrue. My superstench can drive people away so combat concludes in a short span of time." Polecat exclaimed.
"Admit it. You're all just here for the comic value because you're mildly amusing rejects from Legion of Super Heroes applications and this world has really, really low standards for superheroes."
"We don't really care for your insinuations, Incoherent Purple Catman."
"You'll pay for this! I'm going to have an inconsistent characterisation attack and suddenly become a supervillain!"
NYERK, AD 2521.
Bat Woman, the Eye and Mr Might materialised in a flat, derelict plain, where a desolate wind blew, surrounded by ruined and overgrown buildings, cracked sidewalks and ragged, impoverished inhabitants. Yes, the Big Apple hadn't changed at all in the last five centuries.
"Don't tell me that was another teleport malfunction?" Mr Might groaned.
Bat Woman nodded: "According to my Bat Computer, it seems we've been cast forward into the future. Five hundred years or so past our use-by date."
"Badly dressed lurid strangers! Can you help us? We are hopelessly terrorised by a sinister array of mutated creatures. A giant land dwelling clam! A magnetic eye monster! A flying swordfish! And...a rolling thing!"
The Eye took umbrage at this: "Excuse me, quite frankly I resent your aspersions against giant floating eyes with vision powers."
"Ours is bloodshot. Please, help us mere mortals against these night terrors! They're led by an Incoherent Purple Catman!"
Mr Might frowned: "Hang on, we've had a crossover here before. Isn't the resident hero the Mighty Delilah?"
"Yes, but she's away resisting the malignant sorceress Terria in the adjacent anarchistic territory of Njerze, where she's a tyrant queen."
Abruptly, there was a woosh and the Legion of Hyper Entities finally arrived in this badly strung out plotline. Or, more precisely, Arm Fall Off Boy, Eyefull Ethel, Camera Boy and Green Boy did.
"Mayor Sharman! We heard there was a fiendish menace afoot or a tentacle here and decided to intervene!"
"Oh, Estimate Lad! We are besieged by hideously disfigured mutants."
Eyefull Ethel and Arm Fall Off Boy glared at him. Bat Woman cleared her throat:
"Perhaps we can help. We're members of the Freedom Brigade of the United States from the past."
"Which explains the bad wardrobe malfunctions, I suppose. "
Bat Woman rolled her eyes: "Look, buster, I've read your bio. You're basically a bargain basement high intelligence creature whose father was a calculator, only your abilities are limited to numerical calculation. So can the sarcasm."
"We are representatives of a technologically advanced civilisation!" Green Boy protested.
"Right, which explains the surroundings..." Green Trashcan smirked.
"There are some things even high technology can't fix." Polecat sighed.
"Who is this Incoherent Purple Catman person anyway?" The Eye asked, bringing them back to the raison d'etre for this crossover.
"He seems to be a mutated leonoid from the remains of Nyerk Zoo, who has acquired anomalous bodily characteristics which he thought would entitle himself to automatic membership in our Legion of Hyper Entities. The very idea!" Estimate Lad sniffed.
"Hey, Eye. I'm a major fan. Given that nine eyes are way better than two, why don't we team up and head off on a reconnaissance mission?" Eyeful Ethel offered.
"Of course, my dear Ethel. And I must say, it's excellent to meet another ocularly advantaged individual in our line of work."
"Added to which, I find your cornea to die for..."
Arm Fall Off Boy's arm fell off and wriggled around. It then raised a finger up, as if inspired, twisted and beckoned to the other members of the two groups:
"Ah. So your arm does something other than fall off?"
"Yes. You see, I was bitten by a bad tempered radioactive lizard when I was a baby and somehow acquired its ability to shed body parts when I got tired of them and it got tired of me."
NJERZE, AD 2521:
"Who's been ruining everything?
It's been Terria behind the scenes!
Who's been manipulating all the plotlines?
It's been Terria behind the scenes!
She's lascivious (Bwahaha!)
and so devious
That you probably didn't realise it
And a shame it is (A shame it is)
With this rip off ditty ditty ditty ditty
It's too late to mend this sad timeline
Now I've buggered up everything
Cheers for Terria (Ha!)
Wicked Terria
It's been Terria behind the scenes!...
And I killed Absorbency Boy too!"
"Oh, good grief! Seriously, Terria, I knew you were diabolical, but that is the most ghastly theme tune parody I've ever heard! And did it have to be expository dialogue related to That Other Comics Company?"
"And you can stop whingeing, Delilah, dahling! Look, this whole series needs an utterly camp supervillain and I've decided to apply for the role, once I polish off that annoying Incoherent Purple Catman over in Nyerk!" Terria cackled evilly.
"Never! I'll get free from this bondage and then...oh, stop laughing at those double entendres! This is G rated comic fanfiction and it has its traditional meaning."
At that point, fragile masonry exploded outward:
"Surrender, Terria!"
"Oh poo. Hello, Legionarys. I see you've met those Freedom Brigadiers that I deliberately teleported here from the ancient past."
Estimate Lad pointed a finger at Terria: "Surrender, Terria! We know that you and Incoherent Purple Catman are working together on this."
Terria frowned: "What? No, we aren't. Do you really think I'd waste time with a horde of unlikely mutants like that lot?"
Bat Woman crossed her arms: "Excuse me, if I may? That giant roving carnivorous land clam and flying swordfish both bear the marks of a twisted mage. For one thing, they're rather unlikely to evolve naturally, even given the sheer illogic that seems to pervade the basic fabric of our world. So, by correlation, guess who that leaves?"
"Well, it will avail you nothing! And you've left out my rolling aardvark and evil eye, incidentally."
"Possibly because it was too embarrassing to mention?" Bat Woman riposted.
"Excuse me, I'm the Legion's official supergenius. I get to do all the sarcastic, witty dialogue." Estimate Lad snapped.
"Nyahahahaha!!!" cackled Terria, about to teleport away in a dark cloud of eldritch smoke, until the Eye floated in:
"The delightful Ethel and I tracked down the Incoherent Catman's mutant stooges and made clam chowder out of one of them, convinced the rolling aadvark that that was actually a perfectly reasonable defensive mechanism for a mammal of his species and not a mutation at all, and the flying swordfish was offered a chance to star in a marine fair with its own lucrative contract and as much seafood as it could eat. As for that other Eye, it turned out to be a descendant of mine, by sheer coincidence. I pointed out to it that if it hurt me, it endangered its own future."
As Arm Fall Off Boy's arm rejoined the rest of him, the other Legionary grinned:
"And my arm sneaked around the back of Incoherent Purple Catman and knocked him out while he wasn't looking. When he came to, Green Boy had cucumbers on hand ready to cower him into submission. Which, admittedly, leaves the slight problem of Terria."
"Drat! My latest ploy for world domination has failed again! It'd have worked too if it weren't for you meddling metahumans!" Terria fumed, before she realised that her eldritch smoke had disappeared and she hadn't magically teleported away. At which point, Eyefull Ethel hoisted a large blaster gun at her:
"Don't move, Terry! I can see all of your possible escape routes and I've programmed them all into this blastooka." And so, Terria the Sorceress was hauled off to Tacky-Grommet interstellar prison.
EPILOGUE:
"Well, it was nice meeting you, Legionarys, but we need to return to our own time period now. Incidentally, how did New York get so ruined and bent out of shape? And don't say it was always like this, even if it was for the purpose of a cheap gag. A very cheap gag."
"Our historical records are sketchy, Mr Might. We think it was a morbidly obese orange anthropoid who threw his weight around and demolished half the city as a result."
As the Freedom Brigadiers dematerialised after Terria's temporal displacement spell wore off, Estimate Lad muttered: "Pompous know it all show off! I'm glad she's gone."
Back in the twenty first century, Bat Woman sighed in relief as she said to Mr Might and the Eye: "I'm glad that's over. What a tiresome control freak Estimate Lad was!"
And in her prison cell on Tacky-Grommet, a somewhat smug Terria smirked to herself as she watched the licensing revenue proceeds from the title theme tune above flow into her Natlorean bank account. See, she mused. This proves that crime does pay after all!
THE END