Post by redsycorax on Jun 3, 2021 4:42:41 GMT
The Freedom Brigade of Earth-55 have a dilemma on their hands. The Flexer, an hysterically prejudiced gunhappy and vaguely batmanish figure, has tantalised Lady Liberty into jumping ship with him with his cliched Ayn Randoid bad libertarian agit-prop dialogue. What are the World's Muddledest Heroes to do?
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"Yes, whenever innocent hairy Americans are threatened by the heinous forces of international balderasty, I am ready to shoot them up and shove them off the face of the Earth! Smash the dirty baldist scum!! Kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts!!! Kill, kill, kill, kill! Dirty filthy baldies!!!! I hate 'em, I hate 'em!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!" The Flexer screeched in a piece of purple prosaic dialogue.
"Coffee's ready."
"Coming, Dana."
"How could the Flexer have done this and what else does he intend to do?" Lightpower exclaimed.
"And more importantly, how do I get to sue him for being a cheap, bargain basement one-note ripoff of the Batmantm Archetrope, of which Bat Woman and I are this universe's only legitimate licensees?" Badman fumed.
"At a guess, I suspect someone has it in for Funk Mullet, given that the Flexer is a parody of one of his more offensive characters." Bat Woman commented.
"Any luck, Billy?" Green Trashcan said, as Captain Swift slid to a halt after criss-crossing the world.
"Nope. Wherever the Flexer is holding Dana, it's in another dimension, well-secluded, where they can see all. With a bit of a mind-flip, they're into a time slip and nothing will ever be the same..."
Mr Might cleared his throat: "But why is the Flexer so fanatically anti-bald?"
"Isn't it obvious, Clint? Balderastoholophiliacs are a perverted deliberate anomaly to the natural order of things. If we had been meant to be bald, we would have been born that way." Princess Power said.
"I've said it in the previous episode and I'll say it again- there is no fit or good reason to have peculiar prejudiced views about people who happen to lack hair." The Eye interjected.
"Balderastoholophiliacs are made, not born that way! Perverted men laugh in deliberate defiance of hairy morality as they murder innocent hairshafts in their thousands and parade around with naked full frontal noggins, shamelessly bare headed for all the world to see! It's filthy, disgusting, sick and unnatural!" The Mermaid said, frothing at the mouth.
"Have you forgotten one of our own, The Patriot, is bald?"
Princess Power sobbed: "I know and it turns my stomach! Jabez, the affair with Elephantissima, the daughter of the Ambassador from Pachyderm City, was bad enough. However, this is it. I cannot remain married to a...a... Hairless Horror!! People will ask why I'm not capable of being with a normal man. I want an instant divorce!"
And with that, she teleported down to Nevada to consummate her divorce.
TORONTO:
Meanwhile, on a peculiar, tilted disco floor, several people were doing a pretentious stylised dance almost but not quite unlike the Batusi. In the distance, a badly off tune female singer was intoning an almost wholly bad tune which sounded as if it could be written by the Freedom Brigade and Ratman's old enemy Yukio Nono, except for the fact she was dead. Or was she?
"Hahahaha! Ha! Ha! Oh, Tom, my love, we're about to get one over on these foolish Freedom Brigadiers by turning the prejudices of their addled world against them! Isn't it delicious?"
Her husband, former Oliver Twister pop musician Tom Glennan, raised a fluted wine glass to his wife:
"How fortunate for us that we've managed to have ourselves reincarnated on this Earth thanks to a hefty donation to Swami Pastrami. And that we chanced on that insane bad Batperson parody The Flexer. He'll wipe out the world's entire population with anti-balderastivirus for no good reason and with a great deal of gratuitous violence in the process. And it'll all happen with the accompaniement of a bizarrely atonal bad synthesiser routine with atonal Plastic Yukio soundtracks written by me!"
At which point, Bat Woman and her Bat Girl regiment, Mr Might, Mermaid, the Mighty HermAphrodite, the Eye, Green Trashcan and Captain Swift all pulverised an adjacent wall:
"Give up and surrender, Tom and Yukio! It's all over!"
"Never, Freedom Brigade! Because we're insane and ridiculously wealthy supervillains with far too much time on our hands, we decided on a nefarious plan! Namely because the scriptwriter has gotten tired of you and hatched a plot with the Inferior Five, your machiavellean offspring, to get this interminable series cancelled once and for all!" And with that, Yukio and Tom activated their bargain basement Time Sortertm and the series came screeching to a halt. Green Trashcan was sent back to his universe of origin along with Badman and Lightpower, who reverted to Robber the Teen Plunder, the Eye was sent back to Earth-862 and Bat Woman and her regiment of Bat Girls were imprisoned in a null-time continuum. Mighty Hermaphrodite was disincorporated back into Toni Gay and Butch Dykeman and the rest of the Freedom Brigade were aged about twenty five years, with adult children.
As for the Flexer, unfortunately, his anti-baldist crusade caught on. He succeeded in getting elected US President and launched an almighty Anti-Bald Purge, removing 'hairless horrors' from the civil service and armed forces, and packing the US Supreme Court to make Grinch v Poindexter even more repressive when it came to bald people. Unfortunately, the baldists used their shiny "head lights" against the USAF and US Army, resulting in crashed fighter planes and mass road transport pileups. In no time at all, the United States had lapsed into a Second Civil War, with the Bald States of America pitted against the Hairy States of America. However, the Second Civil War only lasted three weeks before the Inferior Five debuted before the world. Yes, I know it's highly convenient, but the Inferior Five had no significant political context, so it had to be that way. As far as anyone knows, the Flexer is still lurching around Las Vegas, exchanging Kalashnikov fire with the fearsome BLAHH, or Bald Liberation Army of Hairless Horrors.
Can the Freedom Brigade get out of this one, given that the whole scenario that Yukio and Tom have just engineered into existence has aborted the entire modern Freedom Brigade and replaced them with their incompetent offspring, the Inferior Five? Actually, no, because this series had to end some time and I had to set up the Inferior Five, but I won't be writing them. Bye!
THE END
++
"Yes, whenever innocent hairy Americans are threatened by the heinous forces of international balderasty, I am ready to shoot them up and shove them off the face of the Earth! Smash the dirty baldist scum!! Kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts!!! Kill, kill, kill, kill! Dirty filthy baldies!!!! I hate 'em, I hate 'em!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!" The Flexer screeched in a piece of purple prosaic dialogue.
"Coffee's ready."
"Coming, Dana."
"How could the Flexer have done this and what else does he intend to do?" Lightpower exclaimed.
"And more importantly, how do I get to sue him for being a cheap, bargain basement one-note ripoff of the Batmantm Archetrope, of which Bat Woman and I are this universe's only legitimate licensees?" Badman fumed.
"At a guess, I suspect someone has it in for Funk Mullet, given that the Flexer is a parody of one of his more offensive characters." Bat Woman commented.
"Any luck, Billy?" Green Trashcan said, as Captain Swift slid to a halt after criss-crossing the world.
"Nope. Wherever the Flexer is holding Dana, it's in another dimension, well-secluded, where they can see all. With a bit of a mind-flip, they're into a time slip and nothing will ever be the same..."
Mr Might cleared his throat: "But why is the Flexer so fanatically anti-bald?"
"Isn't it obvious, Clint? Balderastoholophiliacs are a perverted deliberate anomaly to the natural order of things. If we had been meant to be bald, we would have been born that way." Princess Power said.
"I've said it in the previous episode and I'll say it again- there is no fit or good reason to have peculiar prejudiced views about people who happen to lack hair." The Eye interjected.
"Balderastoholophiliacs are made, not born that way! Perverted men laugh in deliberate defiance of hairy morality as they murder innocent hairshafts in their thousands and parade around with naked full frontal noggins, shamelessly bare headed for all the world to see! It's filthy, disgusting, sick and unnatural!" The Mermaid said, frothing at the mouth.
"Have you forgotten one of our own, The Patriot, is bald?"
Princess Power sobbed: "I know and it turns my stomach! Jabez, the affair with Elephantissima, the daughter of the Ambassador from Pachyderm City, was bad enough. However, this is it. I cannot remain married to a...a... Hairless Horror!! People will ask why I'm not capable of being with a normal man. I want an instant divorce!"
And with that, she teleported down to Nevada to consummate her divorce.
TORONTO:
Meanwhile, on a peculiar, tilted disco floor, several people were doing a pretentious stylised dance almost but not quite unlike the Batusi. In the distance, a badly off tune female singer was intoning an almost wholly bad tune which sounded as if it could be written by the Freedom Brigade and Ratman's old enemy Yukio Nono, except for the fact she was dead. Or was she?
"Hahahaha! Ha! Ha! Oh, Tom, my love, we're about to get one over on these foolish Freedom Brigadiers by turning the prejudices of their addled world against them! Isn't it delicious?"
Her husband, former Oliver Twister pop musician Tom Glennan, raised a fluted wine glass to his wife:
"How fortunate for us that we've managed to have ourselves reincarnated on this Earth thanks to a hefty donation to Swami Pastrami. And that we chanced on that insane bad Batperson parody The Flexer. He'll wipe out the world's entire population with anti-balderastivirus for no good reason and with a great deal of gratuitous violence in the process. And it'll all happen with the accompaniement of a bizarrely atonal bad synthesiser routine with atonal Plastic Yukio soundtracks written by me!"
At which point, Bat Woman and her Bat Girl regiment, Mr Might, Mermaid, the Mighty HermAphrodite, the Eye, Green Trashcan and Captain Swift all pulverised an adjacent wall:
"Give up and surrender, Tom and Yukio! It's all over!"
"Never, Freedom Brigade! Because we're insane and ridiculously wealthy supervillains with far too much time on our hands, we decided on a nefarious plan! Namely because the scriptwriter has gotten tired of you and hatched a plot with the Inferior Five, your machiavellean offspring, to get this interminable series cancelled once and for all!" And with that, Yukio and Tom activated their bargain basement Time Sortertm and the series came screeching to a halt. Green Trashcan was sent back to his universe of origin along with Badman and Lightpower, who reverted to Robber the Teen Plunder, the Eye was sent back to Earth-862 and Bat Woman and her regiment of Bat Girls were imprisoned in a null-time continuum. Mighty Hermaphrodite was disincorporated back into Toni Gay and Butch Dykeman and the rest of the Freedom Brigade were aged about twenty five years, with adult children.
As for the Flexer, unfortunately, his anti-baldist crusade caught on. He succeeded in getting elected US President and launched an almighty Anti-Bald Purge, removing 'hairless horrors' from the civil service and armed forces, and packing the US Supreme Court to make Grinch v Poindexter even more repressive when it came to bald people. Unfortunately, the baldists used their shiny "head lights" against the USAF and US Army, resulting in crashed fighter planes and mass road transport pileups. In no time at all, the United States had lapsed into a Second Civil War, with the Bald States of America pitted against the Hairy States of America. However, the Second Civil War only lasted three weeks before the Inferior Five debuted before the world. Yes, I know it's highly convenient, but the Inferior Five had no significant political context, so it had to be that way. As far as anyone knows, the Flexer is still lurching around Las Vegas, exchanging Kalashnikov fire with the fearsome BLAHH, or Bald Liberation Army of Hairless Horrors.
Can the Freedom Brigade get out of this one, given that the whole scenario that Yukio and Tom have just engineered into existence has aborted the entire modern Freedom Brigade and replaced them with their incompetent offspring, the Inferior Five? Actually, no, because this series had to end some time and I had to set up the Inferior Five, but I won't be writing them. Bye!
THE END