Post by redsycorax on Jun 19, 2021 3:30:54 GMT
Back on Earth-79, the Camp Crusader, Batqueen aka Brace Won, isn't having a very good week. For one thing, somehow, Phil Ken Sebben has become the 46.5th President of the United States and is categorically insane. Join us now as the prancing POTUS gyrates around a pole while singing:
"Me
Me and
Me and my
Nuclear
Deterrent!
Are you
Perplexed
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Bedazzled
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Tantalised
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Irritated
Mainstream political parties?
My NORAD mainframe is sweet
Never
Forgets
Its target!
Do you want to know how?
Do you want to know how?
It never rests
It never listens
It never beeps
It only pulsates
Its frequency is always high
And so am I!
My NORAD mainframe is sweet
Never
Forgets
Its target!
Do you want to know how?
I
Preprogrammed
It!
So how did I become president?
So how did I become president?
Me
Me and
Me and my
Nuclear
Deterrent!
Are you
Thrilled
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Aroused
Mainstream political parties?
Are you
Panting
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Captivated
Mainstream political parties?
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent!"
"Shouldn't we be extremely worried that the incumbent President of the United States is gyrating suggestively around a pole, intoning a song that sings the praises of his sole control over the entire nuclear deterrent of this country, as well as acknowledging that he's high as a stealth bomber?" Batqueen whispered.
"We all have our eccentricities." A red-haired woman said, as Batqueen suddenly realised who it was:
"Badgirl, Barbarella Google from Earth-55? But you're a Republican!"
"Well, actually, Earth-79's Congress is more variegated than the one back home and frankly, things were getting awfully lame hanging around with Badman and Albumin in the Badcave all the time, so I decided to decamp here."
"If you're a presidential advisor, you must know how Sebben became president."
Barbarella winked: "That would be telling, Batsy."
"Look, surely there's a law against alternate universe inhabitants becoming presidential advisors!"
"Nope. I checked. It only prevents candidates originating from alternate Earths after what happened with all those AU Reagan alternates in the eighties. The Democrats heard about it and passed the Thirtieth Amendment, the spoilsports. Anyhow, I'm off to insure Phil gets something over those shorts he's wearing when he addresses the next press meeting."
"What else could possibly go wrong? I hope that ditty about the nuclear deterrent was just the president's attempt at extremely dark humour...."
GLEEP SATELLITE:
"Wait a moment," Batqueen observed, "the Super-Computer has come up with something on why Sebben does those badly choreographed routines..."
DANCING SICKNESS: It first broke out in Strasbourg, within what was then the Holy Roman Empire, in 1516. It seemed to predominantly affect young women, and local bishops and magistrates jailed them when they'd had enough of the relentless terpsichory. Previously, there had been minor, solitary outbreaks in eleventh century Kolbigk, Saxony and fifteenth century Apulia in Italy, after a woman was bitten by a tarantula and danced herself to death. However, it could be averted with the right kind of music and was attributed to demonic possession (the dread demon lord Discodemus) and overheated blood. For a time, it killed fifteen people a day, but there are no total numbers on alleged fatalities. In modern times, it has been attributed to food poisoning or mass hysteria.
After centuries of dormancy, there was a hideous twentieth-century outbreak of Dancing Sickness (Saturni nocte febricitantem), which has been traced to a New York disco and centred on Patient Tony ManZero. It involved him wearing weird clothes, too much cheap aftershave and convulsing strangely. The infection spread across much of the United States and Western Europe. Amongst its terrible side-effects was high-pitched screeching in Australian accents, traced to infected stings from shrill, deadly insects called Gee Bees (Acie stridens apes summum). Mercifully, a deeply compassionate display of disco record destruction by the Chicago White Sox baseball team resulted in the curtailment of infection in one major US city. The lesson spread and today, disco music is reviled and illegal in most jurisdictions outside Russia and North Korea. Make of that what you will.
ENCYCLOPEDIA DYSPEPTICA (2021 Edition)
Batqueen grimaced as Lavender Tornado came up to him:
"Have you contemplated the thought that Phil Ken Sebben might not be human?"
"I don't want to engage in evolutionary discrimination just because he'd lose an IQ comparison test with the average Neanderthal though, Guido."
"No, Brace, I mean...have you seen his wife?" Lavender Tornardo turned on the GLEEP viewscreen:
"So she has a curvaceous figure, long elegant legs and abundant blond hair. So?"
"Wait until she turns around..."
As Agatha Ken Sebben, First Lady of the United States, did so, Batqueen gasped:
"Are you saying the President married a drag queen?!" For there was no mistake- Phil Sebben's muscular lantern jaw, pencil moustache, Roman nose and tell-tale eyepatch were just as evident on Agatha!
"No, Agatha does seem to be otherwise female. What if she's a clone?"
Batqueen pondered this: "Well, that would explain the moustache..."
Lavender Tornado glowered at him: "Not my sort of clone, which is now known as a bear within the contemporary gay community anyway. No, she was manufactured from the same genetic material as Phil, but given a slight twist to make it approximately female. Don't forget, Phil has a brother called Bill, who's virtually identical but who wears his eyepatch on the other eye."
"But even if Phil's a clone, he was still elected US President."
"Then why can't anyone remember the day he was elected?"
"Guido, are you saying that ...President Sebben is a manufactured biological replica of a human being and not the real thing?"
"He needs to explain this, Batqueen. And why his Secret Service staff, several Chiefs of the Armed Forces and Congresspeople all do so as well..."
Unfortunately, at that moment, a certain all too familiar figure appeared within the teleporter:
"Victor Vile. Victor Vile. I'm here to pursue...Batqueen!"
"Ahhh! Guido, it's that tabloid stalker again! Quick, whip up a lavender tornado and conceal me within it."
As the former Guido the Clone Wonder did so, the somewhat inept journalist looked around GLEEP headquarters:
"Hey, Guido. Where's that gorgeous burning hunk of superherodom?"
Lavender Tornado sighed: "Look, Vic, how many times do I have to tell you, I've changed secret identities?"
"Well, it wasn't all that secret, hon. The uniform was very tight and left little to be ignored. Most of the gym bunnies in Gethom worked it out. Oh, all right, I'll call you Lavender Tornado. So where is your former guardian, even if you were twenty years older than him?"
"Will you try to uncover his secret identity again, Vic? Brace Won has had to take out a restraining order against you. And what's your obsession with that, anyway?"
"Look, I'm a one-note Lois Lane rip-off except for my red hair. And I work for a tabloid. Oops. I have a latte appointment with Ryan Robust in half an hour."
As he left, Guido disengaged the lavender tornado: "It's okay, Brace, he's gone. How did he get the combination number to the teleport anyhow?"
"Uh, one guess...padding. What a nuisance he is. Just as well we don't have to put up with Lori Lake and Louisa Louche from Earth-55 like Mr Might did before he retired recently. Anyhow, back to the main plot. What is President Phil Ken Sebben's dark secret, apart from the fact he's moonlighting here from Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law?"
PURPLE HOUSE:
"Why is the White House now mauve?" Lavender Tornado observed.
"Ha ha! Batqueen and Lavender Waterspout!"
"That's Lavender Tornado. I'll cut right to it. President Sebben, are you a clone? Because frankly, it's really suspicious that Agatha Ken Sebben is a facial dead ringer, apart from the woman's body."
"Ha ha! There's nothing in the Constitution against having a clone run for the American presidency, Lavender Watersports. You might want to try it yourself, sometime!"
Batqueen sighed: "Mr President, you've just admitted that you're a clone. How can you continue to stay in office after this?"
"Ha ha! Baglady, have you looked at the Congress lately?"
With a sinking feeling, Batqueen and Lavender Tornado did just that. With a mounting sense of horror, they saw that all the Congresspeople from the Constipational Party were Phil Ken Sebben clones!!!
"Funky Superman, we have a situation. Is the perfect duplicator ray machine missing from your Fortress of Lassitude?" Batqueen spoke into his GLEEP Communicator
"Oh heavy maaaan! I hadn't even noticed but wooow yeah, you're right. Where did I put it?"
"Never mind. Lavender Tornado and I think we know where it is. Don't we, Mr President?"
"Ha ha! And I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling superheroes!"
At which point, President Sebben unmasked as... "Badhair Boris!"
"Yes, Batqueen, you inane fusion superperson! Having capsized the United Kingdom, I now intend to take over the United States with a bevy of perfect duplicates of Phil Ken Sebben as my muppet. Sorry, that should be puppet. You'll never stop me! Phil Ken Sebben Squad, seize the Camp Crusader and the Moustached Manhunter and throw them into the Purple House dungeons!"
At which point, the entire GLEEP ensemble inopprtunely materialised from nowhere and Badhair Boris said an off-colour word before disappearing back to the precariously positioned United Kingdom.
"Ah. We seem to not have a president at the moment."
"Ha ha! Badhair Boris tied me up!" President Sebben said, stepping out of his bathroom.
"Not so fast, Mr President. We suspect you of conniving with Badhair Boris to take over the United States with endless numbers of your clones within the Congressional Constipationist Party... oh no, not the Supreme Court as well!" For indeed, there was a row of Sebben clone replicas enpanelled on the highest US court!
Batqueen grimaced: "We've got to do something before Phil Ken Sebben transforms this into a cube-shaped Sebben World!!!"
THE END (FOR NOW!)
"Me
Me and
Me and my
Nuclear
Deterrent!
Are you
Perplexed
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Bedazzled
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Tantalised
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Irritated
Mainstream political parties?
My NORAD mainframe is sweet
Never
Forgets
Its target!
Do you want to know how?
Do you want to know how?
It never rests
It never listens
It never beeps
It only pulsates
Its frequency is always high
And so am I!
My NORAD mainframe is sweet
Never
Forgets
Its target!
Do you want to know how?
I
Preprogrammed
It!
So how did I become president?
So how did I become president?
Me
Me and
Me and my
Nuclear
Deterrent!
Are you
Thrilled
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Aroused
Mainstream political parties?
Are you
Panting
Mainstream political parties?
Are
You
Captivated
Mainstream political parties?
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Nuclear
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent
Deterrent Deterrent!"
"Shouldn't we be extremely worried that the incumbent President of the United States is gyrating suggestively around a pole, intoning a song that sings the praises of his sole control over the entire nuclear deterrent of this country, as well as acknowledging that he's high as a stealth bomber?" Batqueen whispered.
"We all have our eccentricities." A red-haired woman said, as Batqueen suddenly realised who it was:
"Badgirl, Barbarella Google from Earth-55? But you're a Republican!"
"Well, actually, Earth-79's Congress is more variegated than the one back home and frankly, things were getting awfully lame hanging around with Badman and Albumin in the Badcave all the time, so I decided to decamp here."
"If you're a presidential advisor, you must know how Sebben became president."
Barbarella winked: "That would be telling, Batsy."
"Look, surely there's a law against alternate universe inhabitants becoming presidential advisors!"
"Nope. I checked. It only prevents candidates originating from alternate Earths after what happened with all those AU Reagan alternates in the eighties. The Democrats heard about it and passed the Thirtieth Amendment, the spoilsports. Anyhow, I'm off to insure Phil gets something over those shorts he's wearing when he addresses the next press meeting."
"What else could possibly go wrong? I hope that ditty about the nuclear deterrent was just the president's attempt at extremely dark humour...."
GLEEP SATELLITE:
"Wait a moment," Batqueen observed, "the Super-Computer has come up with something on why Sebben does those badly choreographed routines..."
DANCING SICKNESS: It first broke out in Strasbourg, within what was then the Holy Roman Empire, in 1516. It seemed to predominantly affect young women, and local bishops and magistrates jailed them when they'd had enough of the relentless terpsichory. Previously, there had been minor, solitary outbreaks in eleventh century Kolbigk, Saxony and fifteenth century Apulia in Italy, after a woman was bitten by a tarantula and danced herself to death. However, it could be averted with the right kind of music and was attributed to demonic possession (the dread demon lord Discodemus) and overheated blood. For a time, it killed fifteen people a day, but there are no total numbers on alleged fatalities. In modern times, it has been attributed to food poisoning or mass hysteria.
After centuries of dormancy, there was a hideous twentieth-century outbreak of Dancing Sickness (Saturni nocte febricitantem), which has been traced to a New York disco and centred on Patient Tony ManZero. It involved him wearing weird clothes, too much cheap aftershave and convulsing strangely. The infection spread across much of the United States and Western Europe. Amongst its terrible side-effects was high-pitched screeching in Australian accents, traced to infected stings from shrill, deadly insects called Gee Bees (Acie stridens apes summum). Mercifully, a deeply compassionate display of disco record destruction by the Chicago White Sox baseball team resulted in the curtailment of infection in one major US city. The lesson spread and today, disco music is reviled and illegal in most jurisdictions outside Russia and North Korea. Make of that what you will.
ENCYCLOPEDIA DYSPEPTICA (2021 Edition)
Batqueen grimaced as Lavender Tornado came up to him:
"Have you contemplated the thought that Phil Ken Sebben might not be human?"
"I don't want to engage in evolutionary discrimination just because he'd lose an IQ comparison test with the average Neanderthal though, Guido."
"No, Brace, I mean...have you seen his wife?" Lavender Tornardo turned on the GLEEP viewscreen:
"So she has a curvaceous figure, long elegant legs and abundant blond hair. So?"
"Wait until she turns around..."
As Agatha Ken Sebben, First Lady of the United States, did so, Batqueen gasped:
"Are you saying the President married a drag queen?!" For there was no mistake- Phil Sebben's muscular lantern jaw, pencil moustache, Roman nose and tell-tale eyepatch were just as evident on Agatha!
"No, Agatha does seem to be otherwise female. What if she's a clone?"
Batqueen pondered this: "Well, that would explain the moustache..."
Lavender Tornado glowered at him: "Not my sort of clone, which is now known as a bear within the contemporary gay community anyway. No, she was manufactured from the same genetic material as Phil, but given a slight twist to make it approximately female. Don't forget, Phil has a brother called Bill, who's virtually identical but who wears his eyepatch on the other eye."
"But even if Phil's a clone, he was still elected US President."
"Then why can't anyone remember the day he was elected?"
"Guido, are you saying that ...President Sebben is a manufactured biological replica of a human being and not the real thing?"
"He needs to explain this, Batqueen. And why his Secret Service staff, several Chiefs of the Armed Forces and Congresspeople all do so as well..."
Unfortunately, at that moment, a certain all too familiar figure appeared within the teleporter:
"Victor Vile. Victor Vile. I'm here to pursue...Batqueen!"
"Ahhh! Guido, it's that tabloid stalker again! Quick, whip up a lavender tornado and conceal me within it."
As the former Guido the Clone Wonder did so, the somewhat inept journalist looked around GLEEP headquarters:
"Hey, Guido. Where's that gorgeous burning hunk of superherodom?"
Lavender Tornado sighed: "Look, Vic, how many times do I have to tell you, I've changed secret identities?"
"Well, it wasn't all that secret, hon. The uniform was very tight and left little to be ignored. Most of the gym bunnies in Gethom worked it out. Oh, all right, I'll call you Lavender Tornado. So where is your former guardian, even if you were twenty years older than him?"
"Will you try to uncover his secret identity again, Vic? Brace Won has had to take out a restraining order against you. And what's your obsession with that, anyway?"
"Look, I'm a one-note Lois Lane rip-off except for my red hair. And I work for a tabloid. Oops. I have a latte appointment with Ryan Robust in half an hour."
As he left, Guido disengaged the lavender tornado: "It's okay, Brace, he's gone. How did he get the combination number to the teleport anyhow?"
"Uh, one guess...padding. What a nuisance he is. Just as well we don't have to put up with Lori Lake and Louisa Louche from Earth-55 like Mr Might did before he retired recently. Anyhow, back to the main plot. What is President Phil Ken Sebben's dark secret, apart from the fact he's moonlighting here from Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law?"
PURPLE HOUSE:
"Why is the White House now mauve?" Lavender Tornado observed.
"Ha ha! Batqueen and Lavender Waterspout!"
"That's Lavender Tornado. I'll cut right to it. President Sebben, are you a clone? Because frankly, it's really suspicious that Agatha Ken Sebben is a facial dead ringer, apart from the woman's body."
"Ha ha! There's nothing in the Constitution against having a clone run for the American presidency, Lavender Watersports. You might want to try it yourself, sometime!"
Batqueen sighed: "Mr President, you've just admitted that you're a clone. How can you continue to stay in office after this?"
"Ha ha! Baglady, have you looked at the Congress lately?"
With a sinking feeling, Batqueen and Lavender Tornado did just that. With a mounting sense of horror, they saw that all the Congresspeople from the Constipational Party were Phil Ken Sebben clones!!!
"Funky Superman, we have a situation. Is the perfect duplicator ray machine missing from your Fortress of Lassitude?" Batqueen spoke into his GLEEP Communicator
"Oh heavy maaaan! I hadn't even noticed but wooow yeah, you're right. Where did I put it?"
"Never mind. Lavender Tornado and I think we know where it is. Don't we, Mr President?"
"Ha ha! And I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling superheroes!"
At which point, President Sebben unmasked as... "Badhair Boris!"
"Yes, Batqueen, you inane fusion superperson! Having capsized the United Kingdom, I now intend to take over the United States with a bevy of perfect duplicates of Phil Ken Sebben as my muppet. Sorry, that should be puppet. You'll never stop me! Phil Ken Sebben Squad, seize the Camp Crusader and the Moustached Manhunter and throw them into the Purple House dungeons!"
At which point, the entire GLEEP ensemble inopprtunely materialised from nowhere and Badhair Boris said an off-colour word before disappearing back to the precariously positioned United Kingdom.
"Ah. We seem to not have a president at the moment."
"Ha ha! Badhair Boris tied me up!" President Sebben said, stepping out of his bathroom.
"Not so fast, Mr President. We suspect you of conniving with Badhair Boris to take over the United States with endless numbers of your clones within the Congressional Constipationist Party... oh no, not the Supreme Court as well!" For indeed, there was a row of Sebben clone replicas enpanelled on the highest US court!
Batqueen grimaced: "We've got to do something before Phil Ken Sebben transforms this into a cube-shaped Sebben World!!!"
THE END (FOR NOW!)