Post by redsycorax on Feb 23, 2022 1:42:48 GMT
Yes, like rats and cockroaches, you can never get rid of the Freedom Brigade of the United States, the lackadaisical super-team of the vaguely comedic Earth-55 (formerly Earth-12 in a previous iteration of the Multiverse). No sooner do you try to erase its cast from continuity than bad plotting and comic book physics hit you with a double whammy and they're back again. All right, what happened was this. Apparently, the Inferior Five had their span of recorded continuity adventures in the sixties and then promptly retired and raked in the royalties from reprints of their adventures and a highly contrived- er, convoluted- er, convenient -er, cockamamie "Rejuvenation Accident" returned the Freedom Brigade to their relative youthfulness and an even more (take your pick of adjectives) "Multiversal Storm Event" redeposited Bat Woman, the Eye, Lightpower and the Mighty HermAphrodite back on Earth-55, along with sundry Bat Girls and the Freedom Brigade's Cowled Criminal nemesis Badman and his entourage as well. Right, now we've got that extremely lame excuse for the return of FBUS to this thread out of the way, on with the plot...
++
"My fellow balderastoholophiliacs!!! Long have we been cruelly mocked for being hairless horrors, resigned to stereotyped mad scientist characters on mass media or super-intelligent aliens without a smidgeon of humanity or ruthless mass murderers of cute, photogenic ickle hairshafts being cruelly slaughtered by us deliberately shaving our heads and diabolically laughing as our shavers defoliate our scalps and plunge thousands of hairshafts to screaming, agonising deaths as their lengths and lives are cruelly cut short!!! It's time that balderastoholophilia was made a respectable social condition and depathologised! Balderastophiloholism is not a disease!! Baldists are revolting!
"Baldists are revolting! Baldists are revolting!"
For yes, Mr Might's arch enemy Lex Object had overdosed on stolen Hostess Twinkie tm pies, which he had carted off en masse from a previous Freedom Brigade case and greedily consumed. The psychotropic effects of the oversugared snack meant that Lex had promptly gone insane, turned into an even greater megalomaniac than he usually was and started a crusade to legitimise alopecia. [I want to make it clear that personally, I have nothing against baldness as an Author, but Earth-55 has some pretty weird quirks of its own and widespread disdain for male pattern baldness is one of them.-Author]
It was anyone's guess about why the late French bald philosopher Michel Foucault was on the central view screen, doing a duet with Grace Jones from the eighties, "Slaves to the Discourse", although possibly it was intended as a soundtrack. His irate French estate sued the revolting Baldists for what ensued, but that's another story and it's a long, boring legalese one, so I won't repeat it here.
FREEDOM BRIGADE HQ:
"It looks like Lex is finally going straight, Clint."
Mr Might nodded, then awaited the obvious and predictable rejoinder from the FBUS gay contingent- Captain Swift and Lightpower. Sure enough..:
"And heterosexuality is welcome to him!" Captain Swift riposted.
"Why should straight women be stuck with him?" Mermaid queried.
"Actually, Lauren, I don't think I've ever seen Lex enamoured with anything or anyone, apart from those forty Hostess Twinkies tm he stole from our escapade with those Delicacies of Doom. Hmm. I wonder if it's possible a Hostess Twinkies tm overdose caused Lex to metamorphose into a charismatic but thankfully asexual demagogue. So I don't think either camp can claim him." Bat Woman offered.
"Thank goodness," Lightpower commented, "Badman is gross and vulgar enough without more tacky gay supervillains getting into the act."
"Right, now we've finished making fun of Lex for not being able to have a satisfactory human relationship with anyone, what do we do about this new social movement of radical hair haters that he's unleashed?" Mermaid brought them back to the point of their meeting.
"There's not much we can do, unless this is a cunning plan of his yet again and he plans to use his newfound political strength to lob my one weaknesses at me." Mr Might responded.
"No, he's just trying to tap bald resentment for being laughed at, mocked repeatedly and shunned for romantic partners." The Patriot said, uneasily.
"Not without reason..." commented Lady Liberty, Patriot's unhappily married spouse. Fortunately, a retcon had erased all the other FBUS members knowledge that the Patriot was a closet baldist himself, but his wife knew and still resented the fling Jabez Woosh (Patriot) had had with Elephantissima, the ambassador from Pachyderm City, the hidden super-civilisation of highly evolved trunk bearing mammals in Africa.
"Jabez does have a point," Lady Liberty continued ruefully, "it's not an accepted lifestyle variation like Republicanism." [Again, this is one of Earth-55's little quirks. For some reason, the Democrat Party quite heavily dominates US politics there and as a result, Republicanism is the subject of snide remarks and snickers in some quarters. -Author]
Bat Woman gravely interjected: "I'm afraid some of the more susceptible Bat Girls are considering voting for him."
"Can't you keep your Bat Girls under control, Vicky? They chased Hamish again when he was wearing a thong on Venus Beach the other day." Lightpower protested.
"This is a free country. If Lex isn't breaking any laws, how can we legitimately stop him?" Captain Swift said, worried.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER:
"This is Trisha Takanawa, Quohog News. Well, people said it wouldn't happen and let's face it, it really shouldn't- but Indiana, the US state with the highest level of male pattern baldness in the union has almost unilaterally declared for Lex Object's Bald Prod Party. The consequences have been immediate- baldness has been decriminalised there, it is now regarded as hate humour to make anti-bald jokes and Telly Savalas, Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis and Robert Duvall have been declared state heroes. Only time can tell whether this revolting bald episode will spread to the rest of the national scalp."
AND INEVITABLY...:
"Pro-Hair! Pro-Hair! Save the unjustly barbered poor little hairshafts!"
"Hairshafts deserve to live! Deliberate baldness is an affront against normal human hairiness!"
"Alopecia is an abomination! God destroyed Siam after it had a bald king who had it off with his normal hairy governess!"
"Hair are people too!"
And to top it off, the "Pro-Hair" lobby released a somewhat suspect if not wildly demented DVD entitled The Screaming Shaft, in which close ups and CGI superimposed anthropomorphic features superimposed on hairshafts made it look as if they were screaming when shaver blades descended on them as they were hacked off and spiralled in highly contrived slow motion to the floor below. Accompanying this was Lex Object laughing uncontrollably and diabolically: "Hahahahaha Ha!!!! I love the microscopic screams of slaughtered hairshafts in the morning as they die in their thousands!!! If not millions!!! Nyahahahahaha Ha!"
INDIANA:
"Officer! Officer! That bald man just shone his head at me and caused me to fall off my bike!"
"You'll have to come along with me, ma'am. That's hate humour under the New Indiana Code of Persecution of Hairy People."
"No! No! I'm innocent! It wasn't a joke! Baldity is no laughing matter! Look at the vast number of increased vehicle accidents now that Bald is legal in Indiana, caused by the glare of wilfully full frontal nude naked noggins!"
"I'm sorry, but we all have to adjust to social change."
"Help! Help! I'm being oppressed by radical balditarian tyranny! Oh, won't someone help me!" And in the matter of an instant, a certain scarlet flash happened and the woman was abruptly transported from Baldist Indiana to neighbouring and sane Illinois.
"You're safe now, ma'am. They can't touch you here, across the border." Captain Swift comforted the grateful woman.
"The pro-hair people warned that radical balderastoholophilia would be like this! Oh, Captain, why did we never listen to them until it was too late?!"
"The Freedom Brigade can't interfere in a state's internal policies, but we can prevent normal hairy people from being victimised by the nefarious bald regime in Indiana."
NEW YORK:
"And today, we have as guest on our programme, Mister Might, the Man of Iron, long-time nemesis of Lex Object, the tyrannical hairless horror who terrorises normal hairy people in Indiana under his grim Bald Prod regime. Mister Might, thank you for appearing on the Tomorrow Show. What is your reaction to the announcement that Indiana is going to secede from the United States unless the Supreme Court legalises bald?"
"I think this whole debate is getting out of control. It was never really about Lex Object's baldness. He's just opportunistically seduced suggestible and gullible bald men into thinking that there is widespread discrimination and ridicule of them. However, we must respect the law of the land. If the Court rules that Bald is in fact legal, that does not make it particularly aesthetic or normal, however."
"Can you comment on the rumours that one of your own members, the Patriot, is in fact a Secret Baldist?"
"No comment, Heraldo."
INDIANA:
Meanwhile, the baldist tyranny was escalating still further. Cars and aeroplanes were facing disrupted travel as bald head glare proliferated and people were dazzled by the ever-present illumination. And true to the fears of the pro-hair lobby outside the crazed renegade US state, normal hairy people were being punished for simply being follicularly advantaged. And there were Bald Prod marches in Indiana's cities to demonstrate their defiance:
"All we are saying is give Bald a chance! All we are saying is give Bald a chance!"
"Affirm alopecia! Affirm alopecia!"
"Baby spanking BALD! Baby spanking BALD!!"
"1 2, 1 2 3! Down with Hairy Tyranny!!!"
And the Baldists wantonly flashed their shameless naked noggins at the hapless hairy majority of the embattled state:
"Oh please! Not in front of the children!"
"Wah momma! The Baldy Men have killed all their hairs!" At which point, Mr Might swooped down and rescued the horrified mother and her child from the hideous hairless sight. As he flew away, Mr Might's noble brow creased with concern. Something had to be done about the revolting baldists, and soon, otherwise the Bald contagion would spread to other susceptible states.
WASHINGTON DC:
As if by coincidence, the US Supreme Court handed down its Bloe Vs Bloatin decision, in which ten out of the eight judges decided that Bald would remain illegal in the United States. In response, the defiant Bald Prod regime in Indianapolis carried out its grim threat to secede from the Union. Meanwhile, the Freedom Brigade was called in to suppress Bald Prod riots and anti-hair deviance in Florida and Texas, which had the highest proportion of Baldies after Indiana. At which point, one of their own made a startling announcement:
"I'm going to defect to the other side. I can no longer stand by and watch my hair hating brethren and sisterns persecuted for their hairstyle choice. From now on, I am no longer the Patriot! Call me Captain Alopecia!" And with that, the Patriot... Jabez Woosh, a former hero and founding member of the Freedom Brigade of the United States... flung off his tophat and wantonly displayed his naked noggin full frontally for the whole world to see.
"Jabez! No!!" Lady Liberty gasped in horror.
"Say it with a thud! I'm into Bald Prod!" And with that, he deserted his former colleagues.
Princess Power comforted her sobbing comrade in arms: "Oh, Debbie! I never dreamed Jabez was-was...a balderastoholophiliac! He told me a strange chemical accident had turned his hair platinum and sculpted! Oh, how could I have been so blind?!"
Mermaid bit her lip: "We need to act. There are about seven million Indianans. Of that, only a small proportion are radical hair hatists. Remember, we don't want to cause rampant destruction, even if they were responsible for having a Dim Quail appointed as a Vice President by Jabez' dad, Hernia Gorge Woosh when he was a former president."
ROUSING MARTIAL MUSIC:
As the Freedom Brigade prepared for battle, Lux Aeternum's Requiem for A Dream echoed in the background. Mermaid meditated, marshalling her telepathic powers. Black Vulcan plugged himself into the mains to recharge. Bat Woman called in her Bat Girls for a performance appraisal and managed to identify the Bald sympathiser elements before they were deployed. Captain Swift finetuned his superspeed outfit to insure maximum performance. Green Trashcan made sure his smell o ring was fully charged. Bowman switched to a smaller cape to insure it didn't get in the way as he prepared novelty arrows for intervention. Mighty HermAphrodite engaged in a bigendered spritzer to attract susceptible proponents to their cause. Lightpower did gym exercises and nookied with his husband Hamish MacHunk. Lady Liberty sharpened the spikes on the edge of her LiberTiara and made sure her LiberTorch was fully energised. Princess Power ate a carb-fuelled meal. Mr Might spent much of the time using Woogle Street View to ascertain the locations of concentrations of his one weakness(es) within Indiana. The Eye spent the time looking for protective spectacles suited for an oculoid of its size. At length, Mermaid contacted apprehensive President Joe Bidet:
"Mr President? I know you're busy being manly and intimidating to Vladimir Putin in his criminal campaign of terror against Lower Slovekia, but the Freedom Brigade is going into Indiana. This Bald Prod menace must be handled once and for all. Oh, and send our regards to Mrs. Bidet and Willow the Cat."
HIGH ABOVE INDIANA:
And so, their renegade member Captain Alopecia (formerly the Patriot, but now in rebellion against the legitimate hairy government of the United States) bounced extremely high, then down again, then up again, because he'd forgotten that he couldn't fly. Mermaid's telepathic commands insured multiple oysters flung their pearls at him, Black Vulcan aimed a sizeable lightning bolt at him and let fly, and under Bat Woman's command, a horde of rampaging Bat Girls swarmed his headquarters while Captain Swift tied up Bald Prod protestors crewing Captain Alopecia's base and Green Trashcan incapacitated them with the overpowering smell of stale toupee glue. Lightpower and Mister Might launched a blistering attack on those Bald Prodders who were as yet unvanquished, while Lady Liberty and Princess Power took care of Baldonic Women (!!!) who had joined the Baldist cause and insisted on being every bit as much as hairlessly horrific as their male counterparts. The Eye mesmerised Lex Object, leaving Captain Alopecia to plummet downward until Mr Might caught him:
"It's over, Object. Your balderastophiloholic conspiracy to subvert normal hairy America is over and hairy Indianians are free once more to walk in the sunlight and not be blinded by the glare from chrome domes or being forced to shave off their luxurious locks. Now we can deal with your Hostess Twinkie tm addiction, which is probably the reason you embarked on this ridiculous stunt in the first place!"
"Curse you, Mr Might! I will be avenged! Bald Prod will rise again and we will prevail next time. Meanwhile, give me gorgeous raspberry jelly filled or delicious cherry tart flavoured Hostess Twinkie tm pies before I go mad!"
As Lex Object was led away to rehabilitation, Mr Might shook his head:
"Poor Lex. Now, the question is, what do we do about Jabez?"
Lady Liberty gritted her teeth: "Look, he's gone too far this time. That was anti-hair treason against the legitimate government of the United States, even if it is ruled by (ugh) Democrats at the moment. Jabez needs to be locked away and expelled from the Freedom Brigade. We cannot continue to have him within our ranks."
"Bald Prod! Bald Prod! All we are saying is give Bald a chance! All we are saying is give Bald a chance! 1 2, 1 2 3, down with Hairy Tyranny!" Captain Alopecia frothed at the mouth as he fought the hatware which concealed his shameful full frontal baldity from the public gaze. As Lady Liberty wept while signing the divorce papers yet again, this time, she knew that their marriage could not be repaired. However, the revolting Baldists were now in handcuffs, even if some of them did enjoy that sort of thing more than they really should have and the United States was free once more from the shiny topskin of Balderastoholophiliac subversion. Once more, the Freedom Brigade had defended America's freedom, no matter what the cost!!!
THE END!!!
APPENDIX: THE SIN OF SIAM
And thus it was that God looked down on the land of Siam and saw Anna and the King of Thailand cavorting around with the monarch wilfully Bald, in defiance of God's solemn edicts against hair hatred. And God's wroth was kindled and he was nauseated to see the King of Siam's annoyingly shiny naked noggin, fully frontal and unclothed. And he said to Anna, look, I'm going to send angels in there and retrieve you. And Anna said you're absolutely right, God, it's a nightmare down here. Please, do it quickly. And God sent two angels down, who arrived quickly at Anna's house , for Anna and her son had not engaged in Siamese hair hated , despite being in a palace heaving with the abomination. And the angels said, Anna, God is going to submerge this place for the awfulness that is here. And Anna said, we're already packed. But meanwhile, a mob of Siamese surrounded her home, male and female, and also large and small, all with their heads baby spanking BALD!!! . And they didst all say: Mrs Anna! Bring us the strangers out that we may shave them! And the angels said, do not worry, Anna we'll distract them while you exit stage left And so Anna and her family did abscond. At which point, God arranged for an enormous tsunami to completely submerge Thailand for its toleration of the sin of Siamy, even if it was Buddhist and therefore not strictly within His remit.
But unfortunately, there was a diaspora and baldists spread through the whole of the world And Anna said: "I like this not, and frankly there goes the entire geographical vicinity."
++
"My fellow balderastoholophiliacs!!! Long have we been cruelly mocked for being hairless horrors, resigned to stereotyped mad scientist characters on mass media or super-intelligent aliens without a smidgeon of humanity or ruthless mass murderers of cute, photogenic ickle hairshafts being cruelly slaughtered by us deliberately shaving our heads and diabolically laughing as our shavers defoliate our scalps and plunge thousands of hairshafts to screaming, agonising deaths as their lengths and lives are cruelly cut short!!! It's time that balderastoholophilia was made a respectable social condition and depathologised! Balderastophiloholism is not a disease!! Baldists are revolting!
"Baldists are revolting! Baldists are revolting!"
For yes, Mr Might's arch enemy Lex Object had overdosed on stolen Hostess Twinkie tm pies, which he had carted off en masse from a previous Freedom Brigade case and greedily consumed. The psychotropic effects of the oversugared snack meant that Lex had promptly gone insane, turned into an even greater megalomaniac than he usually was and started a crusade to legitimise alopecia. [I want to make it clear that personally, I have nothing against baldness as an Author, but Earth-55 has some pretty weird quirks of its own and widespread disdain for male pattern baldness is one of them.-Author]
It was anyone's guess about why the late French bald philosopher Michel Foucault was on the central view screen, doing a duet with Grace Jones from the eighties, "Slaves to the Discourse", although possibly it was intended as a soundtrack. His irate French estate sued the revolting Baldists for what ensued, but that's another story and it's a long, boring legalese one, so I won't repeat it here.
FREEDOM BRIGADE HQ:
"It looks like Lex is finally going straight, Clint."
Mr Might nodded, then awaited the obvious and predictable rejoinder from the FBUS gay contingent- Captain Swift and Lightpower. Sure enough..:
"And heterosexuality is welcome to him!" Captain Swift riposted.
"Why should straight women be stuck with him?" Mermaid queried.
"Actually, Lauren, I don't think I've ever seen Lex enamoured with anything or anyone, apart from those forty Hostess Twinkies tm he stole from our escapade with those Delicacies of Doom. Hmm. I wonder if it's possible a Hostess Twinkies tm overdose caused Lex to metamorphose into a charismatic but thankfully asexual demagogue. So I don't think either camp can claim him." Bat Woman offered.
"Thank goodness," Lightpower commented, "Badman is gross and vulgar enough without more tacky gay supervillains getting into the act."
"Right, now we've finished making fun of Lex for not being able to have a satisfactory human relationship with anyone, what do we do about this new social movement of radical hair haters that he's unleashed?" Mermaid brought them back to the point of their meeting.
"There's not much we can do, unless this is a cunning plan of his yet again and he plans to use his newfound political strength to lob my one weaknesses at me." Mr Might responded.
"No, he's just trying to tap bald resentment for being laughed at, mocked repeatedly and shunned for romantic partners." The Patriot said, uneasily.
"Not without reason..." commented Lady Liberty, Patriot's unhappily married spouse. Fortunately, a retcon had erased all the other FBUS members knowledge that the Patriot was a closet baldist himself, but his wife knew and still resented the fling Jabez Woosh (Patriot) had had with Elephantissima, the ambassador from Pachyderm City, the hidden super-civilisation of highly evolved trunk bearing mammals in Africa.
"Jabez does have a point," Lady Liberty continued ruefully, "it's not an accepted lifestyle variation like Republicanism." [Again, this is one of Earth-55's little quirks. For some reason, the Democrat Party quite heavily dominates US politics there and as a result, Republicanism is the subject of snide remarks and snickers in some quarters. -Author]
Bat Woman gravely interjected: "I'm afraid some of the more susceptible Bat Girls are considering voting for him."
"Can't you keep your Bat Girls under control, Vicky? They chased Hamish again when he was wearing a thong on Venus Beach the other day." Lightpower protested.
"This is a free country. If Lex isn't breaking any laws, how can we legitimately stop him?" Captain Swift said, worried.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER:
"This is Trisha Takanawa, Quohog News. Well, people said it wouldn't happen and let's face it, it really shouldn't- but Indiana, the US state with the highest level of male pattern baldness in the union has almost unilaterally declared for Lex Object's Bald Prod Party. The consequences have been immediate- baldness has been decriminalised there, it is now regarded as hate humour to make anti-bald jokes and Telly Savalas, Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis and Robert Duvall have been declared state heroes. Only time can tell whether this revolting bald episode will spread to the rest of the national scalp."
AND INEVITABLY...:
"Pro-Hair! Pro-Hair! Save the unjustly barbered poor little hairshafts!"
"Hairshafts deserve to live! Deliberate baldness is an affront against normal human hairiness!"
"Alopecia is an abomination! God destroyed Siam after it had a bald king who had it off with his normal hairy governess!"
"Hair are people too!"
And to top it off, the "Pro-Hair" lobby released a somewhat suspect if not wildly demented DVD entitled The Screaming Shaft, in which close ups and CGI superimposed anthropomorphic features superimposed on hairshafts made it look as if they were screaming when shaver blades descended on them as they were hacked off and spiralled in highly contrived slow motion to the floor below. Accompanying this was Lex Object laughing uncontrollably and diabolically: "Hahahahaha Ha!!!! I love the microscopic screams of slaughtered hairshafts in the morning as they die in their thousands!!! If not millions!!! Nyahahahahaha Ha!"
INDIANA:
"Officer! Officer! That bald man just shone his head at me and caused me to fall off my bike!"
"You'll have to come along with me, ma'am. That's hate humour under the New Indiana Code of Persecution of Hairy People."
"No! No! I'm innocent! It wasn't a joke! Baldity is no laughing matter! Look at the vast number of increased vehicle accidents now that Bald is legal in Indiana, caused by the glare of wilfully full frontal nude naked noggins!"
"I'm sorry, but we all have to adjust to social change."
"Help! Help! I'm being oppressed by radical balditarian tyranny! Oh, won't someone help me!" And in the matter of an instant, a certain scarlet flash happened and the woman was abruptly transported from Baldist Indiana to neighbouring and sane Illinois.
"You're safe now, ma'am. They can't touch you here, across the border." Captain Swift comforted the grateful woman.
"The pro-hair people warned that radical balderastoholophilia would be like this! Oh, Captain, why did we never listen to them until it was too late?!"
"The Freedom Brigade can't interfere in a state's internal policies, but we can prevent normal hairy people from being victimised by the nefarious bald regime in Indiana."
NEW YORK:
"And today, we have as guest on our programme, Mister Might, the Man of Iron, long-time nemesis of Lex Object, the tyrannical hairless horror who terrorises normal hairy people in Indiana under his grim Bald Prod regime. Mister Might, thank you for appearing on the Tomorrow Show. What is your reaction to the announcement that Indiana is going to secede from the United States unless the Supreme Court legalises bald?"
"I think this whole debate is getting out of control. It was never really about Lex Object's baldness. He's just opportunistically seduced suggestible and gullible bald men into thinking that there is widespread discrimination and ridicule of them. However, we must respect the law of the land. If the Court rules that Bald is in fact legal, that does not make it particularly aesthetic or normal, however."
"Can you comment on the rumours that one of your own members, the Patriot, is in fact a Secret Baldist?"
"No comment, Heraldo."
INDIANA:
Meanwhile, the baldist tyranny was escalating still further. Cars and aeroplanes were facing disrupted travel as bald head glare proliferated and people were dazzled by the ever-present illumination. And true to the fears of the pro-hair lobby outside the crazed renegade US state, normal hairy people were being punished for simply being follicularly advantaged. And there were Bald Prod marches in Indiana's cities to demonstrate their defiance:
"All we are saying is give Bald a chance! All we are saying is give Bald a chance!"
"Affirm alopecia! Affirm alopecia!"
"Baby spanking BALD! Baby spanking BALD!!"
"1 2, 1 2 3! Down with Hairy Tyranny!!!"
And the Baldists wantonly flashed their shameless naked noggins at the hapless hairy majority of the embattled state:
"Oh please! Not in front of the children!"
"Wah momma! The Baldy Men have killed all their hairs!" At which point, Mr Might swooped down and rescued the horrified mother and her child from the hideous hairless sight. As he flew away, Mr Might's noble brow creased with concern. Something had to be done about the revolting baldists, and soon, otherwise the Bald contagion would spread to other susceptible states.
WASHINGTON DC:
As if by coincidence, the US Supreme Court handed down its Bloe Vs Bloatin decision, in which ten out of the eight judges decided that Bald would remain illegal in the United States. In response, the defiant Bald Prod regime in Indianapolis carried out its grim threat to secede from the Union. Meanwhile, the Freedom Brigade was called in to suppress Bald Prod riots and anti-hair deviance in Florida and Texas, which had the highest proportion of Baldies after Indiana. At which point, one of their own made a startling announcement:
"I'm going to defect to the other side. I can no longer stand by and watch my hair hating brethren and sisterns persecuted for their hairstyle choice. From now on, I am no longer the Patriot! Call me Captain Alopecia!" And with that, the Patriot... Jabez Woosh, a former hero and founding member of the Freedom Brigade of the United States... flung off his tophat and wantonly displayed his naked noggin full frontally for the whole world to see.
"Jabez! No!!" Lady Liberty gasped in horror.
"Say it with a thud! I'm into Bald Prod!" And with that, he deserted his former colleagues.
Princess Power comforted her sobbing comrade in arms: "Oh, Debbie! I never dreamed Jabez was-was...a balderastoholophiliac! He told me a strange chemical accident had turned his hair platinum and sculpted! Oh, how could I have been so blind?!"
Mermaid bit her lip: "We need to act. There are about seven million Indianans. Of that, only a small proportion are radical hair hatists. Remember, we don't want to cause rampant destruction, even if they were responsible for having a Dim Quail appointed as a Vice President by Jabez' dad, Hernia Gorge Woosh when he was a former president."
ROUSING MARTIAL MUSIC:
As the Freedom Brigade prepared for battle, Lux Aeternum's Requiem for A Dream echoed in the background. Mermaid meditated, marshalling her telepathic powers. Black Vulcan plugged himself into the mains to recharge. Bat Woman called in her Bat Girls for a performance appraisal and managed to identify the Bald sympathiser elements before they were deployed. Captain Swift finetuned his superspeed outfit to insure maximum performance. Green Trashcan made sure his smell o ring was fully charged. Bowman switched to a smaller cape to insure it didn't get in the way as he prepared novelty arrows for intervention. Mighty HermAphrodite engaged in a bigendered spritzer to attract susceptible proponents to their cause. Lightpower did gym exercises and nookied with his husband Hamish MacHunk. Lady Liberty sharpened the spikes on the edge of her LiberTiara and made sure her LiberTorch was fully energised. Princess Power ate a carb-fuelled meal. Mr Might spent much of the time using Woogle Street View to ascertain the locations of concentrations of his one weakness(es) within Indiana. The Eye spent the time looking for protective spectacles suited for an oculoid of its size. At length, Mermaid contacted apprehensive President Joe Bidet:
"Mr President? I know you're busy being manly and intimidating to Vladimir Putin in his criminal campaign of terror against Lower Slovekia, but the Freedom Brigade is going into Indiana. This Bald Prod menace must be handled once and for all. Oh, and send our regards to Mrs. Bidet and Willow the Cat."
HIGH ABOVE INDIANA:
And so, their renegade member Captain Alopecia (formerly the Patriot, but now in rebellion against the legitimate hairy government of the United States) bounced extremely high, then down again, then up again, because he'd forgotten that he couldn't fly. Mermaid's telepathic commands insured multiple oysters flung their pearls at him, Black Vulcan aimed a sizeable lightning bolt at him and let fly, and under Bat Woman's command, a horde of rampaging Bat Girls swarmed his headquarters while Captain Swift tied up Bald Prod protestors crewing Captain Alopecia's base and Green Trashcan incapacitated them with the overpowering smell of stale toupee glue. Lightpower and Mister Might launched a blistering attack on those Bald Prodders who were as yet unvanquished, while Lady Liberty and Princess Power took care of Baldonic Women (!!!) who had joined the Baldist cause and insisted on being every bit as much as hairlessly horrific as their male counterparts. The Eye mesmerised Lex Object, leaving Captain Alopecia to plummet downward until Mr Might caught him:
"It's over, Object. Your balderastophiloholic conspiracy to subvert normal hairy America is over and hairy Indianians are free once more to walk in the sunlight and not be blinded by the glare from chrome domes or being forced to shave off their luxurious locks. Now we can deal with your Hostess Twinkie tm addiction, which is probably the reason you embarked on this ridiculous stunt in the first place!"
"Curse you, Mr Might! I will be avenged! Bald Prod will rise again and we will prevail next time. Meanwhile, give me gorgeous raspberry jelly filled or delicious cherry tart flavoured Hostess Twinkie tm pies before I go mad!"
As Lex Object was led away to rehabilitation, Mr Might shook his head:
"Poor Lex. Now, the question is, what do we do about Jabez?"
Lady Liberty gritted her teeth: "Look, he's gone too far this time. That was anti-hair treason against the legitimate government of the United States, even if it is ruled by (ugh) Democrats at the moment. Jabez needs to be locked away and expelled from the Freedom Brigade. We cannot continue to have him within our ranks."
"Bald Prod! Bald Prod! All we are saying is give Bald a chance! All we are saying is give Bald a chance! 1 2, 1 2 3, down with Hairy Tyranny!" Captain Alopecia frothed at the mouth as he fought the hatware which concealed his shameful full frontal baldity from the public gaze. As Lady Liberty wept while signing the divorce papers yet again, this time, she knew that their marriage could not be repaired. However, the revolting Baldists were now in handcuffs, even if some of them did enjoy that sort of thing more than they really should have and the United States was free once more from the shiny topskin of Balderastoholophiliac subversion. Once more, the Freedom Brigade had defended America's freedom, no matter what the cost!!!
THE END!!!
APPENDIX: THE SIN OF SIAM
And thus it was that God looked down on the land of Siam and saw Anna and the King of Thailand cavorting around with the monarch wilfully Bald, in defiance of God's solemn edicts against hair hatred. And God's wroth was kindled and he was nauseated to see the King of Siam's annoyingly shiny naked noggin, fully frontal and unclothed. And he said to Anna, look, I'm going to send angels in there and retrieve you. And Anna said you're absolutely right, God, it's a nightmare down here. Please, do it quickly. And God sent two angels down, who arrived quickly at Anna's house , for Anna and her son had not engaged in Siamese hair hated , despite being in a palace heaving with the abomination. And the angels said, Anna, God is going to submerge this place for the awfulness that is here. And Anna said, we're already packed. But meanwhile, a mob of Siamese surrounded her home, male and female, and also large and small, all with their heads baby spanking BALD!!! . And they didst all say: Mrs Anna! Bring us the strangers out that we may shave them! And the angels said, do not worry, Anna we'll distract them while you exit stage left And so Anna and her family did abscond. At which point, God arranged for an enormous tsunami to completely submerge Thailand for its toleration of the sin of Siamy, even if it was Buddhist and therefore not strictly within His remit.
But unfortunately, there was a diaspora and baldists spread through the whole of the world And Anna said: "I like this not, and frankly there goes the entire geographical vicinity."