Post by redsycorax on Jun 22, 2022 0:02:53 GMT
Alternate Earths do the strangest things. If you're tired of being laughed at by residents of other alternate universes just because our world has criminalised cannabis or other idiosyncratic foibles of ours, then worry no more! In a secluded and dead-end corner of the Multiverse, behold Earth-862, a downright peculiar Earth that makes us look good. In this strange alternate reality, meat was outlawed by the Thirty Third Amendment to the Constitution of the Remaining United States of Slightly Infringed America (RUSSIA). That Earth is defended by such heroes as the Zipper! The Female Zipper! ZsaZsa the Mythical! And the Purple Turtle! All of them gathered from the cosmic reaches of their universe as... the Law Infringement Action Responders!!! However, because of the absence of super-villains on their particular Earth, they've been reduced to public service announcements defending their world's social taboos. In this expedition into the twaddleverse, we look at the question of meat prohibition.
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The Thirty Third Amendment to the RUSSIA Constitution was the product of the Vegan Caterwaul Party period of office in the sixties. Due to an unfortunate and embarrassing series of clown photographs taken with the Supreme Court, nothing was able to resist the passage of this moralistic ban on the consumption of animal-based food products. And again, due to the arcane legal principle of Nihil Facere ("Do Nothing"), that's been the way it remained ever since it was passed a century ago.
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The Zipper cleared his throat and stared down the camera, taking a candy cigarette out of his mouth:
"Greetings, friends. We of LIAR would be remiss in our public duty if we didn't warn you of another menace confronting the people of our nubile confederation. Yes, I am talking of the threat posed to our moral fibre by... meat! Yes, heinous as it may seem, there are those elements in our society who lust after dead animal flesh and long to consume it, even if it is against the holy words of Pope Morrissey. Journey with us now into the nightmare world of these criminals in... Beware Meatheads!!!"
"I'm Lieutenant Zipperette, a police officer attached to the Youth Division of the Inglenook Police Department. I'm about to talk to a group of teenagers at Marilyn Munroe Kennedy Junior High. That looks innocent enough, doesn't it? Many people visit diners for honest fare like orange juice, lemonade and veggieburgers and fries. Sometimes, though, there are dangers that never come into the open. Let's take the case of Mona Minim. Mona had played a long game of softball and she didn't feel like going home just yet, so she loitered around a downtown area of Inglenook that she'd never encountered before. However, finding a diner, she sat down at a kiosk. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a hole opened up in the wall, and a strange smell wafted out. Mona had never encountered anything like this before, but for some reason, the smell tantalised her, seducing her into the next step. Before she knew it, a long, pendulous, throbbing shape appeared through the hole- a sausage!!! Mona took it in her hands and then, throwing caution to the wind, into her mouth! Oh, the succulence, the taste, the aroma! But little did Mona know that she was eating the flesh of dead animals!
On the following day, Mona found her footsteps direct her to the unnaturally cuisined diner again, but this time, an older man was there:
"Hey there. Want some more of the forbidden cut?" [Yes, that's right. It was the Purple Turtle, again. And as you can guess, Zsa Zsa the Mythical was playing Mona in this one.]
Mona couldn't help herself. Eagerly, she nodded. Breathing heavily as she was drawn into paths of carnivorous depravity and vice by the unscrupulous "butcher", Mona bit into the bread covered "hot dog!" She exclaimed in pleasure and demanded more. The saturnine 'butcher' smiled in satisfaction and then began to demand money from her. Mona couldn't help herself! She paid the butcher for his illicit, forbidden meat products and in little more than a fortnight, she craved the fragrance and taste of meat every day!!! Then Mr M, the butcher, took her under his wing and after several suggestive jokes about the shape of vegetation, he gave her fish. Mona was deep in the thrall of meat. She didn't know that Mr M was sick- a sickness that was not visible like measles or bubonic plague as he hauled out a carnographic volume... a meat cookbook!!! They did other things together. Finally, she told her parents and they reported it to the Vice Patrol. Mr M was apprehended and Mona was released into the custody of her parents. She hadn't realised that that this was part of an illicit, scandalous and sinful lifestyle.
Some of them are not so lucky. Mark Baldwape ended up the main course after visiting an illegal butchery. That's right... eating animal meat can lead directly to cannibalism- it can be a slippery slope. The decision is always yours. Beware the carnivore and the seductive but underground and sordid lifestyle that he or she represents. One never knows when meat pushers are about. They may appear normal, but you may find out too late that they're mentally ill and crave the taste of dead animal flesh in their mouths!" The Zipper finished his monologue and the curtains fell... because they hadn't been assembled properly.
THE END
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The Thirty Third Amendment to the RUSSIA Constitution was the product of the Vegan Caterwaul Party period of office in the sixties. Due to an unfortunate and embarrassing series of clown photographs taken with the Supreme Court, nothing was able to resist the passage of this moralistic ban on the consumption of animal-based food products. And again, due to the arcane legal principle of Nihil Facere ("Do Nothing"), that's been the way it remained ever since it was passed a century ago.
++
The Zipper cleared his throat and stared down the camera, taking a candy cigarette out of his mouth:
"Greetings, friends. We of LIAR would be remiss in our public duty if we didn't warn you of another menace confronting the people of our nubile confederation. Yes, I am talking of the threat posed to our moral fibre by... meat! Yes, heinous as it may seem, there are those elements in our society who lust after dead animal flesh and long to consume it, even if it is against the holy words of Pope Morrissey. Journey with us now into the nightmare world of these criminals in... Beware Meatheads!!!"
"I'm Lieutenant Zipperette, a police officer attached to the Youth Division of the Inglenook Police Department. I'm about to talk to a group of teenagers at Marilyn Munroe Kennedy Junior High. That looks innocent enough, doesn't it? Many people visit diners for honest fare like orange juice, lemonade and veggieburgers and fries. Sometimes, though, there are dangers that never come into the open. Let's take the case of Mona Minim. Mona had played a long game of softball and she didn't feel like going home just yet, so she loitered around a downtown area of Inglenook that she'd never encountered before. However, finding a diner, she sat down at a kiosk. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a hole opened up in the wall, and a strange smell wafted out. Mona had never encountered anything like this before, but for some reason, the smell tantalised her, seducing her into the next step. Before she knew it, a long, pendulous, throbbing shape appeared through the hole- a sausage!!! Mona took it in her hands and then, throwing caution to the wind, into her mouth! Oh, the succulence, the taste, the aroma! But little did Mona know that she was eating the flesh of dead animals!
On the following day, Mona found her footsteps direct her to the unnaturally cuisined diner again, but this time, an older man was there:
"Hey there. Want some more of the forbidden cut?" [Yes, that's right. It was the Purple Turtle, again. And as you can guess, Zsa Zsa the Mythical was playing Mona in this one.]
Mona couldn't help herself. Eagerly, she nodded. Breathing heavily as she was drawn into paths of carnivorous depravity and vice by the unscrupulous "butcher", Mona bit into the bread covered "hot dog!" She exclaimed in pleasure and demanded more. The saturnine 'butcher' smiled in satisfaction and then began to demand money from her. Mona couldn't help herself! She paid the butcher for his illicit, forbidden meat products and in little more than a fortnight, she craved the fragrance and taste of meat every day!!! Then Mr M, the butcher, took her under his wing and after several suggestive jokes about the shape of vegetation, he gave her fish. Mona was deep in the thrall of meat. She didn't know that Mr M was sick- a sickness that was not visible like measles or bubonic plague as he hauled out a carnographic volume... a meat cookbook!!! They did other things together. Finally, she told her parents and they reported it to the Vice Patrol. Mr M was apprehended and Mona was released into the custody of her parents. She hadn't realised that that this was part of an illicit, scandalous and sinful lifestyle.
Some of them are not so lucky. Mark Baldwape ended up the main course after visiting an illegal butchery. That's right... eating animal meat can lead directly to cannibalism- it can be a slippery slope. The decision is always yours. Beware the carnivore and the seductive but underground and sordid lifestyle that he or she represents. One never knows when meat pushers are about. They may appear normal, but you may find out too late that they're mentally ill and crave the taste of dead animal flesh in their mouths!" The Zipper finished his monologue and the curtains fell... because they hadn't been assembled properly.
THE END
