Post by redsycorax on Nov 9, 2022 3:49:16 GMT
All right, given that Earth-55 (home of the Freedom Brigade and DC parody characters in general) is that sort of world, it's probably crassly opportunist to introduce this cheap ripoff from Batman: Brave and the Bold.
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GOTHIK CITY:
Mr Woman-Face turned, scowling, batting his feminine eyelashes and lipsticked mouth to face her old enemy:
"Princess Power!"
"Yes, Manuel A. Womanface, me! It's no good tossing back your sultry locks that way, it doesn't work on me."
In a sultry womanly voice, Mr Woman-Face gestured: "You brute! Picking on an unarmed defenceless..."
"Sorry, but under the Freedom Brigade Code of Engagement, it's perfectly okay for me to punch the lights out of either male or female supervillains. And incidentally, those female nonverbal gestures and behavioural cues are really utterly stereotyped and quite offensive."
"Oh, poo! In that case, eat lead, Enormous Amazon!" From his wallet, Mr Woman-Face produced a dainty pearl-handed gun and began to shoot with it.
As Princess Power did her bullets and bracelets routine, her FBUS colleague the Mighty HermAphrodite showed up:
"Butch and Toni! Am I ever glad to see you! Oh, and this is my old nemesis Mr Woman-Face."
"Well! It's good to see someone who's mildly attractive crimefighting for a change!"
Mighty HermAphrodite groaned: "Don't you start. I've just had a torrid day deflecting the villainous He/She's flirting with both of me and frankly, I don't date across the morality barrier."
CUTAWAY:
But how did Mr Woman-Face come to be? Manuel A. Woman-Face used to be in Capeman's rogues gallery, but when Brian Payne went bad and degenerated into Badman the Caped Criminal after losing his fortune, Woman-Face was left with no rogues gallery to belong to. And so, he decided to sashay toward Princess Power's somewhat lacklustre retinue of no-gooders and brighten things up. Incidentally, while he has a feminine face and non-verbal cues, Mister Woman-Face is attracted to women with masculine speech depth and facial appearance, so that basically means that if he turned up elsewhere in the multiverse, he'd be romancing a certain Brave and the Bold character or Venture Brothers scientist. It's complicated. And as for their origin, I can't be bothered with writing one. Let's say baby Manuel encountered a radioactive high heel left by a negligent drag queen and got zapped by it. And thus emerged... Mr. Woman-Face!!!
Or had a woman fallen through a skylight, inspiring Mr Woman Face to behave like a stereotyped fifties feminine figure? No-one was quite sure, and it's probably better not to ask.
However, Mister Woman-Face eluded capture. Opening his compact, he blew a thick acrid cloud of cloying perfume from his utility purse: "Oh, damn!"
"How are we going to live this down, Dana? Woman-Face is a two-bit supervillain. This might lead to exaggerated expectations on his part."
Lightpower teleported both of them back up to the FBUS satellite, where additional ominous news awaited them:
"My husband Hamish has been kidnapped!"
"How?"
"He was trying to buy a new kilt when he was waylaid by Mister Woman-Face."
"Wow, that was quick. But definitely Manuel's modus operandi. It makes sense that he'd do something nefarious involving Scotland."
"And the problem is, the Blight House is on one of its ridiculous Gender Theory antipathy episodes again. President DeInsanitis thinks Scotland is the cause of all 'Gender Treachery' so he's banned all things Caledonian on that basis. Haggis. Bagpipes. Gordon Ramsey. The Loch Ness Monster. Scotch. Hogmanay. Robert Burns poetry. All of it, illegal in the United States thanks to Rube v Whayhay-Jimmy.
As a result, they're refusing to rescue Hamish unless he swears off kilts. And as he's a patriotic Scotsdude..."
"I get the picture. It's going to be one of those episodes again, is it?"
SECRET HEADQUARTERS:
"Ha, Hamish MacHunk Grierson! Soon I shall get the ransom from your husband and have a great time with it!"
"Och, ye fiendish villain. An' stop eyein' me kilt that way. Nae, ye cannae have it. It's nae for the likes of sassenachs like you.'
"Why should Scotland have all the fun?"
"Because it waends up the English nae end."
"I know that killjoy president of ours is against Scotland, but you look super in it."
"Ye're a straight bloke and naewhere near Scottish. You shouldnae be anywhere near it."
"We'll see about that!" Mr Woman Face switched on a windmachine beneath a grate. Hamish had to fight to keep his kilt from doing an impromptu Marilyn Monroe number and growled manfully at the pouting, posturing figure. Abruptly, the window broke and Lightpower swept down on a rope:
"It's curtains for you, Woman-Face!"
"You've ruined mine! How dare you?!"
"Oh, get a life, Manuel!"
"It's all right for you, Lightpower. But what's a poor man like me to do?"
"What about ditching that kitsch fifties femininity routine of yours for a start?"
"I'm not doing it for you! Somewhere out there, there's a thrusting, resolute lantern-jawed gravel-voiced woman of action who'll take me in their arms and take me away from this!"
"Perhaps there is, but it's a little too soon for a crossover of that sort."
"Oh no, it's not!" Silhouetted in the doorway, the wind blowing her veil from her stubble-covered lantern jaw and steely grey eyes was...
"Dr Wifely?" For yes, indeed, it was the resolute Dr Marine Wifely, brilliant female mad scientist with some anomalous self-presentation issues!
"Yes, Mrs Manface couldn't make it due to an unfortunate incident with Babyface, her husband, but she's my sister. Unhand that delicate, swooning creature that you've cornered! He's all mine!"
Mr Woman-Face gasped in ecstacy: "Oh! Dr Wifely! How masterful and domineering you are!"
"You need someone to take care of you, Manuel. And that woman is me!"
"Oh, Marine!"
"Oh, Manuel. Come into my arms."
"With pleasure!" And with that, Dr Wifely triggered yet another teleport unit as Dirk finished untying Hamish:
"Are you okay?"
"What was that all about, Dirk?"
"I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with desperate filler stories before the main event."
EPILOGUE:
And so, in a wedding clinch, Mr Woman-Face and Dr Wifely tied the knot and were pronounced Spouse and Spouse, due to the somewhat elderly nature of the presiding religious official and the somewhat labyrinthine gender of both participants. A new villainous duo had emerged on Earth-55, but what would it portend? Or would Mr Woman-Face be content with being a husband and father, given that he was a terrific cook and interior decorator?
THE END
++
GOTHIK CITY:
Mr Woman-Face turned, scowling, batting his feminine eyelashes and lipsticked mouth to face her old enemy:
"Princess Power!"
"Yes, Manuel A. Womanface, me! It's no good tossing back your sultry locks that way, it doesn't work on me."
In a sultry womanly voice, Mr Woman-Face gestured: "You brute! Picking on an unarmed defenceless..."
"Sorry, but under the Freedom Brigade Code of Engagement, it's perfectly okay for me to punch the lights out of either male or female supervillains. And incidentally, those female nonverbal gestures and behavioural cues are really utterly stereotyped and quite offensive."
"Oh, poo! In that case, eat lead, Enormous Amazon!" From his wallet, Mr Woman-Face produced a dainty pearl-handed gun and began to shoot with it.
As Princess Power did her bullets and bracelets routine, her FBUS colleague the Mighty HermAphrodite showed up:
"Butch and Toni! Am I ever glad to see you! Oh, and this is my old nemesis Mr Woman-Face."
"Well! It's good to see someone who's mildly attractive crimefighting for a change!"
Mighty HermAphrodite groaned: "Don't you start. I've just had a torrid day deflecting the villainous He/She's flirting with both of me and frankly, I don't date across the morality barrier."
CUTAWAY:
But how did Mr Woman-Face come to be? Manuel A. Woman-Face used to be in Capeman's rogues gallery, but when Brian Payne went bad and degenerated into Badman the Caped Criminal after losing his fortune, Woman-Face was left with no rogues gallery to belong to. And so, he decided to sashay toward Princess Power's somewhat lacklustre retinue of no-gooders and brighten things up. Incidentally, while he has a feminine face and non-verbal cues, Mister Woman-Face is attracted to women with masculine speech depth and facial appearance, so that basically means that if he turned up elsewhere in the multiverse, he'd be romancing a certain Brave and the Bold character or Venture Brothers scientist. It's complicated. And as for their origin, I can't be bothered with writing one. Let's say baby Manuel encountered a radioactive high heel left by a negligent drag queen and got zapped by it. And thus emerged... Mr. Woman-Face!!!
Or had a woman fallen through a skylight, inspiring Mr Woman Face to behave like a stereotyped fifties feminine figure? No-one was quite sure, and it's probably better not to ask.
However, Mister Woman-Face eluded capture. Opening his compact, he blew a thick acrid cloud of cloying perfume from his utility purse: "Oh, damn!"
"How are we going to live this down, Dana? Woman-Face is a two-bit supervillain. This might lead to exaggerated expectations on his part."
Lightpower teleported both of them back up to the FBUS satellite, where additional ominous news awaited them:
"My husband Hamish has been kidnapped!"
"How?"
"He was trying to buy a new kilt when he was waylaid by Mister Woman-Face."
"Wow, that was quick. But definitely Manuel's modus operandi. It makes sense that he'd do something nefarious involving Scotland."
"And the problem is, the Blight House is on one of its ridiculous Gender Theory antipathy episodes again. President DeInsanitis thinks Scotland is the cause of all 'Gender Treachery' so he's banned all things Caledonian on that basis. Haggis. Bagpipes. Gordon Ramsey. The Loch Ness Monster. Scotch. Hogmanay. Robert Burns poetry. All of it, illegal in the United States thanks to Rube v Whayhay-Jimmy.
As a result, they're refusing to rescue Hamish unless he swears off kilts. And as he's a patriotic Scotsdude..."
"I get the picture. It's going to be one of those episodes again, is it?"
SECRET HEADQUARTERS:
"Ha, Hamish MacHunk Grierson! Soon I shall get the ransom from your husband and have a great time with it!"
"Och, ye fiendish villain. An' stop eyein' me kilt that way. Nae, ye cannae have it. It's nae for the likes of sassenachs like you.'
"Why should Scotland have all the fun?"
"Because it waends up the English nae end."
"I know that killjoy president of ours is against Scotland, but you look super in it."
"Ye're a straight bloke and naewhere near Scottish. You shouldnae be anywhere near it."
"We'll see about that!" Mr Woman Face switched on a windmachine beneath a grate. Hamish had to fight to keep his kilt from doing an impromptu Marilyn Monroe number and growled manfully at the pouting, posturing figure. Abruptly, the window broke and Lightpower swept down on a rope:
"It's curtains for you, Woman-Face!"
"You've ruined mine! How dare you?!"
"Oh, get a life, Manuel!"
"It's all right for you, Lightpower. But what's a poor man like me to do?"
"What about ditching that kitsch fifties femininity routine of yours for a start?"
"I'm not doing it for you! Somewhere out there, there's a thrusting, resolute lantern-jawed gravel-voiced woman of action who'll take me in their arms and take me away from this!"
"Perhaps there is, but it's a little too soon for a crossover of that sort."
"Oh no, it's not!" Silhouetted in the doorway, the wind blowing her veil from her stubble-covered lantern jaw and steely grey eyes was...
"Dr Wifely?" For yes, indeed, it was the resolute Dr Marine Wifely, brilliant female mad scientist with some anomalous self-presentation issues!
"Yes, Mrs Manface couldn't make it due to an unfortunate incident with Babyface, her husband, but she's my sister. Unhand that delicate, swooning creature that you've cornered! He's all mine!"
Mr Woman-Face gasped in ecstacy: "Oh! Dr Wifely! How masterful and domineering you are!"
"You need someone to take care of you, Manuel. And that woman is me!"
"Oh, Marine!"
"Oh, Manuel. Come into my arms."
"With pleasure!" And with that, Dr Wifely triggered yet another teleport unit as Dirk finished untying Hamish:
"Are you okay?"
"What was that all about, Dirk?"
"I'm not sure, but it might have something to do with desperate filler stories before the main event."
EPILOGUE:
And so, in a wedding clinch, Mr Woman-Face and Dr Wifely tied the knot and were pronounced Spouse and Spouse, due to the somewhat elderly nature of the presiding religious official and the somewhat labyrinthine gender of both participants. A new villainous duo had emerged on Earth-55, but what would it portend? Or would Mr Woman-Face be content with being a husband and father, given that he was a terrific cook and interior decorator?
THE END
