Post by redsycorax on Jan 8, 2023 2:09:19 GMT
Yes, I know that there are spelling mistakes in the title, but that's because of a glitch in the somewhat less than reliable Slotham City Police Department AI that should have read 'rogue's gallery,' but whose spell check has gone beserk, for cheap comedic effect. Anyhow, orbiting high above Slotham City, several old fiends made a rendezvous.
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The Spoker grimaced as his back tire deflated yet again. Perhaps he should get some new wheels? The problem was that given that Capeman and Cloakboy had gone bad after Brian Payne lost his fortune and turned into Badman and Robber the Boy Plunderer, money was at a premium. Badman had made a significant intervention in Slotham's black and grey markets, and his former [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep] had suffered because of it. He looked up to see a sinister squat black and white clad figure waddling away from the transporter pad. With that silhouette and outfit, it could only be one person: "Nun Quinn! Ophelia! I'm up here on the viewing platform!" Ophelia Catalept, otherwise known as the violently habited "Nun Quinn" had escaped from the St Andreas Institute for Wayward Nuns yet again and was laying down a trail of nun violence with her fiendish nun chuckers and nun guns:
"Waug! Hello, Jacques! How's the cycle business?"
The Spoker sighed: "For some reason, people don't want to buy bicycles from someone with scarlet hair, pancake makeup and green lip balm. I honestly can't think why."
"It's that blasted Camp Criminal. Since he went bad, there's no room in Slotham left for any of us."
The transporter pad chimed again, as a diminutive small kitten leapt off it, trailing assorted gems and pearl necklaces behind it in a carrier bag, and dressed incongruously in a miniature evening dress. The felonious feline disappeared behind a screen and emerged a few second later as a young Eurasian woman. For this was Su Lin Au Mao, the elusive Womancat, who had been bitten by a weretabby several years ago and who transformed into a kleptomaniac kitty during the full moon. As she untangled her hair, Womancat sighed:
"Where's Eddie gotten to? No, don't tell me, he couldn't escape from reform school again."
"It's his height that's the problem, Su. No-one realises that Eddie Niblet is in fact the Toddler, the prince of tantrums!" The Spoker said, but then checked his line of dialogue as the penultimate member of the [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep] materialised in their teleport bay foyer. Nimbly, the Toddler jumped off it and ran to join his larcenous lawless league of liaisons.
The final figure materialised on the teleport pad, without any facial features- for this was Harley Bent, or, as he was known, "No Face." Actually, they were there, but elsewhere on his body. His eyes were on his knees, his nose was in the middle of his back and his mouth was conveniently adjacent to his stomach. It's a long story, involving a particularly incompetent Slotham surgeon, which we really don't have time to recount here, fortunately.
"Is our membership drive working out, Jacques?" Harley asked the [Bleep] Rouge Gravity's [Bleep] chair.
The Spoker shook his head: "Marsupial Queen of Kangaroos can't be let out of Australia. Biack Widdershins is still in jail after driving the wrong way down a one-way street. The Bookwombat is still recovering from food poisoning after eating that volume of Lucrezia Borgias. Shrimp is still recovering from that unfortunate incident in the fishfood factory."
"Waug! Do we really need an underwater cowboy anyway?" Nun Quinn objected.
"Ahem. As I was saying... King Trout is still missing after that same incident...Mr Sneeze is still powerless after Badman sprayed him with antihistamine from his futility belt...the Mod Headwear is still living off the royalties from his hit single...False Foot is having problems with termites in his artificial second and third legs...Ma Porker is still in Gotham Womens Penitentiary and now so decrepit that she can't use her walking frame to get out...Slaphead is forced to stay outside the United States given its anti-balderastoholophilia laws... like the Mod Headwear, Chandelier is raking it in big in his entertainment career...the Syphon is still dealing with her blocked pipes... the Caterer got caught under food safety laws... Gervaise the Garlic as well... Nina Clavichord has moved to Metroville... Mint Chocolate melted... and like Marsupial Queen of Kangaroos and Olestra Queen of Cholesterol, Dr Cassowary can't get back in the country either."
"Oh, good grief! What chance do we have against Badman, Badgirl and Albumin the Zombie Wanderer with such a depleted line up?!" Womancat complained.
"Not so fast, my friends. We have a hidden strategic asset." And behind the curtains came a hauntingly familiar figure:
"Auntie Harriet Hooper, Dirk Grierson's non-canonical long lost relative!"
"But weren't you sent to hell due to the interference of the Freedom Brigade and Asmewdeus the Cute Kitty Demon King?"
"No more! I am about to mastermind a fiendish plan of my own using my inside knowledge of Stately Payne Manor. [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep], say hello to... the Curse of Fatal Darn!!!"
THE END [For Now. 10.35 AM. JANUARY 9, 2023]
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The Spoker grimaced as his back tire deflated yet again. Perhaps he should get some new wheels? The problem was that given that Capeman and Cloakboy had gone bad after Brian Payne lost his fortune and turned into Badman and Robber the Boy Plunderer, money was at a premium. Badman had made a significant intervention in Slotham's black and grey markets, and his former [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep] had suffered because of it. He looked up to see a sinister squat black and white clad figure waddling away from the transporter pad. With that silhouette and outfit, it could only be one person: "Nun Quinn! Ophelia! I'm up here on the viewing platform!" Ophelia Catalept, otherwise known as the violently habited "Nun Quinn" had escaped from the St Andreas Institute for Wayward Nuns yet again and was laying down a trail of nun violence with her fiendish nun chuckers and nun guns:
"Waug! Hello, Jacques! How's the cycle business?"
The Spoker sighed: "For some reason, people don't want to buy bicycles from someone with scarlet hair, pancake makeup and green lip balm. I honestly can't think why."
"It's that blasted Camp Criminal. Since he went bad, there's no room in Slotham left for any of us."
The transporter pad chimed again, as a diminutive small kitten leapt off it, trailing assorted gems and pearl necklaces behind it in a carrier bag, and dressed incongruously in a miniature evening dress. The felonious feline disappeared behind a screen and emerged a few second later as a young Eurasian woman. For this was Su Lin Au Mao, the elusive Womancat, who had been bitten by a weretabby several years ago and who transformed into a kleptomaniac kitty during the full moon. As she untangled her hair, Womancat sighed:
"Where's Eddie gotten to? No, don't tell me, he couldn't escape from reform school again."
"It's his height that's the problem, Su. No-one realises that Eddie Niblet is in fact the Toddler, the prince of tantrums!" The Spoker said, but then checked his line of dialogue as the penultimate member of the [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep] materialised in their teleport bay foyer. Nimbly, the Toddler jumped off it and ran to join his larcenous lawless league of liaisons.
The final figure materialised on the teleport pad, without any facial features- for this was Harley Bent, or, as he was known, "No Face." Actually, they were there, but elsewhere on his body. His eyes were on his knees, his nose was in the middle of his back and his mouth was conveniently adjacent to his stomach. It's a long story, involving a particularly incompetent Slotham surgeon, which we really don't have time to recount here, fortunately.
"Is our membership drive working out, Jacques?" Harley asked the [Bleep] Rouge Gravity's [Bleep] chair.
The Spoker shook his head: "Marsupial Queen of Kangaroos can't be let out of Australia. Biack Widdershins is still in jail after driving the wrong way down a one-way street. The Bookwombat is still recovering from food poisoning after eating that volume of Lucrezia Borgias. Shrimp is still recovering from that unfortunate incident in the fishfood factory."
"Waug! Do we really need an underwater cowboy anyway?" Nun Quinn objected.
"Ahem. As I was saying... King Trout is still missing after that same incident...Mr Sneeze is still powerless after Badman sprayed him with antihistamine from his futility belt...the Mod Headwear is still living off the royalties from his hit single...False Foot is having problems with termites in his artificial second and third legs...Ma Porker is still in Gotham Womens Penitentiary and now so decrepit that she can't use her walking frame to get out...Slaphead is forced to stay outside the United States given its anti-balderastoholophilia laws... like the Mod Headwear, Chandelier is raking it in big in his entertainment career...the Syphon is still dealing with her blocked pipes... the Caterer got caught under food safety laws... Gervaise the Garlic as well... Nina Clavichord has moved to Metroville... Mint Chocolate melted... and like Marsupial Queen of Kangaroos and Olestra Queen of Cholesterol, Dr Cassowary can't get back in the country either."
"Oh, good grief! What chance do we have against Badman, Badgirl and Albumin the Zombie Wanderer with such a depleted line up?!" Womancat complained.
"Not so fast, my friends. We have a hidden strategic asset." And behind the curtains came a hauntingly familiar figure:
"Auntie Harriet Hooper, Dirk Grierson's non-canonical long lost relative!"
"But weren't you sent to hell due to the interference of the Freedom Brigade and Asmewdeus the Cute Kitty Demon King?"
"No more! I am about to mastermind a fiendish plan of my own using my inside knowledge of Stately Payne Manor. [Bleep] Rouge Gravity [Bleep], say hello to... the Curse of Fatal Darn!!!"
THE END [For Now. 10.35 AM. JANUARY 9, 2023]