Post by redsycorax on Jan 15, 2023 2:51:17 GMT
On Earth-55, things are about to get even weirder...
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STATELY PAYNE MANOR:
Brian (Badman) Payne opened one eye, then wished he hadn't. Gazing down at him, despite the absence of any eyes in his eye socket, was a grinning skull with an incongruous brown moustache, wearing a trenchcoat:
"Wha-hey, Bads! It's me, Commissioner Jimbo Lays, aka Skellycoppie."
"I thought you were supposed to be over the hills and far away?"
"Oh come on, Bri. It's time to play!"
"Skellycoppie?!"
"Skellycoppie! Jimbo! It's time for Skellycoppie. Time for Skellycoppie. Ah. Where has all my continuity gone?"
"Look, Jimbo, you made a brief offscreen reference in 1965 and then no actual appearance. Since when are you a cavorting, jubilant sapient skeleton?"
"There's nothing in the rule book to say I can't be."
"You're not yet another five dimensional imp, by any chance?"
"No, I'm a recently introduced ironic retcon who's been cued up because a certain someone with a vendetta against you has returned from the afterlife."
"Oh, no. Not Batty Hatty."
"Yes, but how did you know that, Bri?"
"Simple. She went off the deep end after she was fired from the Badman television series in the sixties for being old, dim and boring, and turned into an evil satanist old reprobate."
"I get the old reprobate angle, but not the satanism."
"She was never the same after she relocated to Peculiar Place and took up with P.S.Peculiar. Look, Skellycoppie, what possible reason do you have for being retconned over here? I already have Badgirl and Albumin my zombie butler and criminal companion in arms for company."
"Look, in the latter case, isn't that a liability? I mean, you only have to make an observation like 'his jaw dropped', or refer to broken arms and legs, or other anatomical malfuctions, and there's an alarming prospect they could actually manifest!"
"Brainnns...I resent that, Mawster Brian. Look who's talking. At least there's a suitable if convoluted explanation for me being a zombie. Animated skeletons like this cheap Commissioner Gordon rip off here don't have that advantage. Apart from twee magical spells, that is."
"Who are you calling 'twee', you dilapidated deteriorating man-servant?"
"Well, it's true. Don't tell me, you were miraculously resurrected by Kishnu Vana, a cod Hindu avatar dreamt up for this episode."
"Look, Albumin, do you or do you not want to make sure Batty Hatty gets red pencilled from this series, this time permanently?"
"Yes, Mawster Brian, but I object to this metaphysical montebank being incorporated into the Bad Family."
"Just as well we don't have a "Bad Dog" around, or things could get awkward. All right, Skellycoppie, you're in. However, what precisely can or do you do?"
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
In the FBUS satellite, orbiting 22,300 miles above the Earth, Badman's former associate Dirk Grierson, ex-Robber the Boy Plunder and now Lightpower, raised an eyebrow:
"Albumin?!"
"Mawster Dirk. Look, something's up and it's not good. An interloping animated skeleton has just appeared in the Badcave and has convinced Mawster Brian to have him join the Bad Family."
"So what can I do about it, Albie? I turned good and I'm married to Hamish MacHunk now, remember. Crime never pays, particularly if it's Brian who's committing it. Have you tried arranging for a convenient pack of dogs to show up when it's their dinner time?"
"That would be too obvious and Mawster Brian would suspect it was me. Incidentally, Mrs Hooper has escaped from hell and is plotting revenge on all of us, including you, so be warned."
"Well, at least I'm out of the picture if she wants a virgin sacrifice, thanks to Hamish at the time. Barbarella doesn't fit the picture either, given what she told me about her and Arm Fall Off Boy from the future. Any idea about what form this revenge is going to take?"
"Have you and your Freedom Brigade colleagues heard of... the Curse of Fatal Darn?"
"Great Trenches of Neon!" exclaimed Mr Might, who had just materialised to replace Lightpower on monitor duty.
"Oh, good. Explain it to him and the others, please, Mr Might, I've got to reglue my lower jaw back on..."
As he looked around the assembled Freedom Brigade, Mr Might's brow furrowed: "I'd hoped that I'd never hear the words 'Curse of Fatal Darn' again. But it looks like eldritch powers are having commerce with it."
"Yes, and given Aunt Harriet's devil worship, she's up to no good. Anyhow, Clint, what is this Curse...?"
"Ancient Neon was troubled by half-human, half-walrus creatures called Treumpfs, orange in colouration and who infested our northern polar continent. Eventually, we had a referendum to get rid of them, but they contested the result, raided the Neonopolis House of Technocrats and harangued us endly on our communication networks until we'd had enough and beamed them en masse into the Zero Zone. However, they cursed us, stating that Neon would one day explode."
"Yes, but Clint, it still hasn't." Princess Power commented.
"For some perverse reason, Dana, there are also endless codicils attached to it. One particularly sinister one says that when the Clown shall Vend Un-Nutritious Foodstuffs and the Colonel Too, There Shall Arrive a Portent of Great Horror, It Shall Be Corpulent and Red and It Ith A Load of Olde Shat."
"Waitaminute. Isn't that unholy refrain a reference to our old enemy, Captain Pork of the Starship Unimpressed?"
THE STARSHIP UNIMPRESSED:
"Hah. Mister Haakon. Try. To Overthrow. Me. With Unsuspected. Telepathic. Powers. Will You?"
Captain Pork was having one of his temper tantrums and was throwing his weight around the Unimpressed bridge. Given that he'd left the main sequence ages ago, and had long since become a temperamental red giant in circumference, the consequences weren't particularly savoury. Lieutenants Hulu and Piotr Haakon were in the transporter bay trying to escape:
"Hulu, we're the only ones left and if we're not successful, Pork's engorged mass will overrun the entire Unimpressed."
"Just as well he's too gargantuan to transport off the ship without overstressing the transporter circuitry."
At that point, Bat Woman, the Eye and Captain Swift showed up:
"I take it you're the sole survivors of the Unimpressed?"
"It's Captain Pork. He's gone hysterical again and the warp drive can't take much more of his volume."
"It's awful, Freedom Brigade. He's destroyed the entire Wagon Train to the Star Journey franchise by his prima donna complex."
"It's even worse than that. Using my ocular abilities, I can see into several adjacent dimensions. Pork is now so cavernous that he extends into several contingent ones." The Eye commented tersely.
"How can anyone possibly be that chubby?" Captain Swift asked incredulously.
"Please, save us. Dr McDecoy kept warning him, saying "It's worse than that, you're FAT, Tim, FAT, Tim, FAT, Tim, FAT!!!" And Spotty kept complaining that 'ma engines cannae take much more of your weight, Cap'n.' But he wouldn't listen. Over the years, he's become so huge and egotistical, any last shred of talent and originality has long since ruthlessly been sucked out of the Unimpressed. "
"Billy, get them to safety. Vicky and I will have to deal with this."
As Captain Swift vanished into the time vortex with the two surviving crewpeople, Harriet Hooper swayed into the room, in a bright green sequined catsuit, wearing a plastic lamp cover over her head:
"Bat Woman and the Eye!!! You are too late to stop my final victory!"
"Aunt Harriet, stop this at once! If you don't, Captain Pork will expand to fill this entire universe and untold quadrillions will be squashed to death by his hideous hypermorbid obesity."
"Yes!"
"Oh no you don't, Batty Hatty!" Badman, Badgirl, Albumin and Skellycoppie had materialised to join them:
"Don't call me that. So, Badman, we meet again. Fired any series regulars lately?"
"Oh, for goodness' sake, Harriet, it's been sixty years. And anyway, Dirk's your nephew. Why aren't you out for revenge on him as well?"
"Because I'm going to erase this universe from existence and wipe you all out!"
Bat Woman and the Eye rolled theirs: "Not again."
"That's what you think, anyway. I've set the controls of the Unimpressed for a black hole." Bat Woman smirked
"But Pork is now millions of tons! He'll end up blocking that black hole!"
"Fortunately, the timey-wimey relativistic doo-hickey will mean that we can escape." And with that, Bat Woman and the Eye dematerialised. Badman, Albumin, Badgirl and Skellycoppie all glared at Aunt Harriet:
"This is all your fault, Hatty. Our last experiences are going to be crushed beneath your boyfriend's ridiculously exaggerated girth. What a horrible way to die!" Badman exclaimed.
"Nya haha ha ha!" Aunt Harriet replied, now truly insane, but also because the random dialogue generator is on the fritz again.
"Wait. There's an escape capsule. We can use it to get free and away from this universe, into a new one of our own where we can resurrect the Badman franchise away from that pesky Freedom Brigade."
"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYNE!" Aunt Harriet shrieked, shortly before the Unimpressed blocked the black hole and Captain Pork's mass finally became infinite.
EPILOGUE: HELL:
As she gritted her teeth, Aunt Harriet Hooper at least had the consolation of watching Captain Timothy H. Pork being forced to run on a treadmill and diet. However, she herself was trapped in an endless exotic dance routine. Shaking her fist upward, she hissed: "This isn't over, Freedom Brigade and Badman!!! One day I shall escape yet again and wreak my dread vengeance on you all!!"
THE END [12.30 PM, JANUARY 16, 2023]
++
STATELY PAYNE MANOR:
Brian (Badman) Payne opened one eye, then wished he hadn't. Gazing down at him, despite the absence of any eyes in his eye socket, was a grinning skull with an incongruous brown moustache, wearing a trenchcoat:
"Wha-hey, Bads! It's me, Commissioner Jimbo Lays, aka Skellycoppie."
"I thought you were supposed to be over the hills and far away?"
"Oh come on, Bri. It's time to play!"
"Skellycoppie?!"
"Skellycoppie! Jimbo! It's time for Skellycoppie. Time for Skellycoppie. Ah. Where has all my continuity gone?"
"Look, Jimbo, you made a brief offscreen reference in 1965 and then no actual appearance. Since when are you a cavorting, jubilant sapient skeleton?"
"There's nothing in the rule book to say I can't be."
"You're not yet another five dimensional imp, by any chance?"
"No, I'm a recently introduced ironic retcon who's been cued up because a certain someone with a vendetta against you has returned from the afterlife."
"Oh, no. Not Batty Hatty."
"Yes, but how did you know that, Bri?"
"Simple. She went off the deep end after she was fired from the Badman television series in the sixties for being old, dim and boring, and turned into an evil satanist old reprobate."
"I get the old reprobate angle, but not the satanism."
"She was never the same after she relocated to Peculiar Place and took up with P.S.Peculiar. Look, Skellycoppie, what possible reason do you have for being retconned over here? I already have Badgirl and Albumin my zombie butler and criminal companion in arms for company."
"Look, in the latter case, isn't that a liability? I mean, you only have to make an observation like 'his jaw dropped', or refer to broken arms and legs, or other anatomical malfuctions, and there's an alarming prospect they could actually manifest!"
"Brainnns...I resent that, Mawster Brian. Look who's talking. At least there's a suitable if convoluted explanation for me being a zombie. Animated skeletons like this cheap Commissioner Gordon rip off here don't have that advantage. Apart from twee magical spells, that is."
"Who are you calling 'twee', you dilapidated deteriorating man-servant?"
"Well, it's true. Don't tell me, you were miraculously resurrected by Kishnu Vana, a cod Hindu avatar dreamt up for this episode."
"Look, Albumin, do you or do you not want to make sure Batty Hatty gets red pencilled from this series, this time permanently?"
"Yes, Mawster Brian, but I object to this metaphysical montebank being incorporated into the Bad Family."
"Just as well we don't have a "Bad Dog" around, or things could get awkward. All right, Skellycoppie, you're in. However, what precisely can or do you do?"
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
In the FBUS satellite, orbiting 22,300 miles above the Earth, Badman's former associate Dirk Grierson, ex-Robber the Boy Plunder and now Lightpower, raised an eyebrow:
"Albumin?!"
"Mawster Dirk. Look, something's up and it's not good. An interloping animated skeleton has just appeared in the Badcave and has convinced Mawster Brian to have him join the Bad Family."
"So what can I do about it, Albie? I turned good and I'm married to Hamish MacHunk now, remember. Crime never pays, particularly if it's Brian who's committing it. Have you tried arranging for a convenient pack of dogs to show up when it's their dinner time?"
"That would be too obvious and Mawster Brian would suspect it was me. Incidentally, Mrs Hooper has escaped from hell and is plotting revenge on all of us, including you, so be warned."
"Well, at least I'm out of the picture if she wants a virgin sacrifice, thanks to Hamish at the time. Barbarella doesn't fit the picture either, given what she told me about her and Arm Fall Off Boy from the future. Any idea about what form this revenge is going to take?"
"Have you and your Freedom Brigade colleagues heard of... the Curse of Fatal Darn?"
"Great Trenches of Neon!" exclaimed Mr Might, who had just materialised to replace Lightpower on monitor duty.
"Oh, good. Explain it to him and the others, please, Mr Might, I've got to reglue my lower jaw back on..."
As he looked around the assembled Freedom Brigade, Mr Might's brow furrowed: "I'd hoped that I'd never hear the words 'Curse of Fatal Darn' again. But it looks like eldritch powers are having commerce with it."
"Yes, and given Aunt Harriet's devil worship, she's up to no good. Anyhow, Clint, what is this Curse...?"
"Ancient Neon was troubled by half-human, half-walrus creatures called Treumpfs, orange in colouration and who infested our northern polar continent. Eventually, we had a referendum to get rid of them, but they contested the result, raided the Neonopolis House of Technocrats and harangued us endly on our communication networks until we'd had enough and beamed them en masse into the Zero Zone. However, they cursed us, stating that Neon would one day explode."
"Yes, but Clint, it still hasn't." Princess Power commented.
"For some perverse reason, Dana, there are also endless codicils attached to it. One particularly sinister one says that when the Clown shall Vend Un-Nutritious Foodstuffs and the Colonel Too, There Shall Arrive a Portent of Great Horror, It Shall Be Corpulent and Red and It Ith A Load of Olde Shat."
"Waitaminute. Isn't that unholy refrain a reference to our old enemy, Captain Pork of the Starship Unimpressed?"
THE STARSHIP UNIMPRESSED:
"Hah. Mister Haakon. Try. To Overthrow. Me. With Unsuspected. Telepathic. Powers. Will You?"
Captain Pork was having one of his temper tantrums and was throwing his weight around the Unimpressed bridge. Given that he'd left the main sequence ages ago, and had long since become a temperamental red giant in circumference, the consequences weren't particularly savoury. Lieutenants Hulu and Piotr Haakon were in the transporter bay trying to escape:
"Hulu, we're the only ones left and if we're not successful, Pork's engorged mass will overrun the entire Unimpressed."
"Just as well he's too gargantuan to transport off the ship without overstressing the transporter circuitry."
At that point, Bat Woman, the Eye and Captain Swift showed up:
"I take it you're the sole survivors of the Unimpressed?"
"It's Captain Pork. He's gone hysterical again and the warp drive can't take much more of his volume."
"It's awful, Freedom Brigade. He's destroyed the entire Wagon Train to the Star Journey franchise by his prima donna complex."
"It's even worse than that. Using my ocular abilities, I can see into several adjacent dimensions. Pork is now so cavernous that he extends into several contingent ones." The Eye commented tersely.
"How can anyone possibly be that chubby?" Captain Swift asked incredulously.
"Please, save us. Dr McDecoy kept warning him, saying "It's worse than that, you're FAT, Tim, FAT, Tim, FAT, Tim, FAT!!!" And Spotty kept complaining that 'ma engines cannae take much more of your weight, Cap'n.' But he wouldn't listen. Over the years, he's become so huge and egotistical, any last shred of talent and originality has long since ruthlessly been sucked out of the Unimpressed. "
"Billy, get them to safety. Vicky and I will have to deal with this."
As Captain Swift vanished into the time vortex with the two surviving crewpeople, Harriet Hooper swayed into the room, in a bright green sequined catsuit, wearing a plastic lamp cover over her head:
"Bat Woman and the Eye!!! You are too late to stop my final victory!"
"Aunt Harriet, stop this at once! If you don't, Captain Pork will expand to fill this entire universe and untold quadrillions will be squashed to death by his hideous hypermorbid obesity."
"Yes!"
"Oh no you don't, Batty Hatty!" Badman, Badgirl, Albumin and Skellycoppie had materialised to join them:
"Don't call me that. So, Badman, we meet again. Fired any series regulars lately?"
"Oh, for goodness' sake, Harriet, it's been sixty years. And anyway, Dirk's your nephew. Why aren't you out for revenge on him as well?"
"Because I'm going to erase this universe from existence and wipe you all out!"
Bat Woman and the Eye rolled theirs: "Not again."
"That's what you think, anyway. I've set the controls of the Unimpressed for a black hole." Bat Woman smirked
"But Pork is now millions of tons! He'll end up blocking that black hole!"
"Fortunately, the timey-wimey relativistic doo-hickey will mean that we can escape." And with that, Bat Woman and the Eye dematerialised. Badman, Albumin, Badgirl and Skellycoppie all glared at Aunt Harriet:
"This is all your fault, Hatty. Our last experiences are going to be crushed beneath your boyfriend's ridiculously exaggerated girth. What a horrible way to die!" Badman exclaimed.
"Nya haha ha ha!" Aunt Harriet replied, now truly insane, but also because the random dialogue generator is on the fritz again.
"Wait. There's an escape capsule. We can use it to get free and away from this universe, into a new one of our own where we can resurrect the Badman franchise away from that pesky Freedom Brigade."
"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYNE!" Aunt Harriet shrieked, shortly before the Unimpressed blocked the black hole and Captain Pork's mass finally became infinite.
EPILOGUE: HELL:
As she gritted her teeth, Aunt Harriet Hooper at least had the consolation of watching Captain Timothy H. Pork being forced to run on a treadmill and diet. However, she herself was trapped in an endless exotic dance routine. Shaking her fist upward, she hissed: "This isn't over, Freedom Brigade and Badman!!! One day I shall escape yet again and wreak my dread vengeance on you all!!"
THE END [12.30 PM, JANUARY 16, 2023]