Post by redsycorax on Jan 18, 2023 1:52:41 GMT
On Earth-55, something has gone badly wrong and I don't mean the plot for this misbegotten episode. Suddenly, in the 1940s, the Allies are under attack from badly designed creatures that are really humans posed against models of boats and planes. I'm sorry, that should read 'dinosaurs'. Look, what do you expect in a series with a budget this low? Is the Double Cross of Adenoid Hynkel really about to take over the world?
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THE 1940s:
On a model of a boat, in a fishtank, Tom Dond, international spy of misery, was busily losing a game of chance with the merchant marine:
"Well, Mr Dond, you're down to your last dollar."
"Then I'll have to bet one of my speedo-clad male companions instead!"
"What's that horrible rocking and abrupt rocking motion? Ah! That hideous screeching noise! The oceanic turmoil! What...what are they?!"
For high above the toy boat model towered a giant (sic) tiger person in a metal tank outfit with a gun sticking out of his midriff and robot legs! A dinosaur in an evening dress! And a giant creature almost completely but not quite unlike a moth! And all of them sported.... Double Cross armbands!
In poorly synchronised voiceovers, the trapped occupants of the besieged boat opened their mouths. Two minutes later, after the 'monsters' had sunk the vessel, the sound of their screams occurred.
FREEDOM FORCE BROWNSTONE:
Granny Gumshoe banged her gavel and convened the meeting:
"Freedom Force, we face an extraordinary threat to our nation's survival. Namely, low production values. They've started to infest our everyday lives."
Hatman quivered: "But how can we fight an enemy like that, particularly given the Double Cross' latest fiendish measure- their co-opted dinosaurs?"
Dr Fey interjected: "Ah, well, that's probably due to either an inconvenient time warp or a hitherto unexplored and unknown territory where the terrible thunder lizards in question survived."
"Can't you just zap them back there with your magic, Kant?" Startleman asked.
"No, I can't. They seem to be somehow strangely artificial. In fact, I suspect they're made of clay."
Fatman rubbed his hands together: "Oh, neat. This means that I can transform into my flying saucer self and zap them with heat rays, turning them glazed and immobile."
"But what could have led the Double Cross to do something this heinous and well, tacky?" Madame Fatal asked.
Dr Goodnite cleared his throat: "I'm afraid it's Adenoid Hynkel. I've suspected it for some time, but this latest ridiculous turn of events convinced me. Adenoid Hynkel is addicted to Twinkies tm."
"But if he's been driven insane by those oversugared evil snacks, then Global War B may soon be over!" Princess Power exclaimed in delight.
"Uh oh. Trouble, everyone! I've just spotted a Double Cross tyrannosaurus rex attacking the White House."
WASHINGTON DC:
And thus it turned out to be, given that the next scene was an unconvincing miniature of the home of the President of the United States. A stop-motion claymation dinosaur jerked and prowled around outside it, delivering badly synchronised roars. For some strange reason, Adenoid Hynkel was on its back, cheering it on:
"Ha haha ha! Mein leibster dinosaurier! Destroy the House in White in which der infernal US president lives!"
"You won't get away with this, Hynkel. Incidentally, what are you doing out of Slobovia?"
"Ach, things were getting too hot for me und I decided to launch zis sneaky attack on America. At zem, mein dinosaurier!"
Fatman transformed into a flying saucer and zapped the tyrannosaurus, which glazed over and became immobile.
"Ach! Nein!" Hynkel motioned, gesturing in the general direction of several other snarling and malevolent stop-motion claymation dinosaurs of assorted species. Dr Fey raised an eyebrow:
"Hey, wait a minute! These are just enlarged clay models of dinosaurs." And with that, Dr Fey waved his hand and the creatures shrank to tiny inert models, the threat over.
Adenoid Hynkel scowled: "Verdammt Freedom Force! I shall haff mein revenge on you one day!" And before anyone could stop him, he triggered an anachronistic highly experimental prototype teleport harness and was whisked back to his Sinnloserbunker.
"Well, that was accomplished commendably quickly. Well done, everyone!" Granny Gumshoe grinned.
"I'm not sure I like the implications of this, though. Just how cheap will budgetary restraints get in this series?" Madame Fatal mused uneasily.
"Who cares! Let's get back to the FF brownstone for some lemonade and cookies."
And so, in the wartorn land of Lower Slobovia, in Burlinsque, a vault of sinister plastic-wrapped cakes waited malevolently for their next adverse turn of events. They plotted and schemed, and they had all the time in the world, given the somewhat dodgy and highly questionable preservatives involved in their manufacture...
THE END [3.10 PM, JANUARY 22, 2023]
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THE 1940s:
On a model of a boat, in a fishtank, Tom Dond, international spy of misery, was busily losing a game of chance with the merchant marine:
"Well, Mr Dond, you're down to your last dollar."
"Then I'll have to bet one of my speedo-clad male companions instead!"
"What's that horrible rocking and abrupt rocking motion? Ah! That hideous screeching noise! The oceanic turmoil! What...what are they?!"
For high above the toy boat model towered a giant (sic) tiger person in a metal tank outfit with a gun sticking out of his midriff and robot legs! A dinosaur in an evening dress! And a giant creature almost completely but not quite unlike a moth! And all of them sported.... Double Cross armbands!
In poorly synchronised voiceovers, the trapped occupants of the besieged boat opened their mouths. Two minutes later, after the 'monsters' had sunk the vessel, the sound of their screams occurred.
FREEDOM FORCE BROWNSTONE:
Granny Gumshoe banged her gavel and convened the meeting:
"Freedom Force, we face an extraordinary threat to our nation's survival. Namely, low production values. They've started to infest our everyday lives."
Hatman quivered: "But how can we fight an enemy like that, particularly given the Double Cross' latest fiendish measure- their co-opted dinosaurs?"
Dr Fey interjected: "Ah, well, that's probably due to either an inconvenient time warp or a hitherto unexplored and unknown territory where the terrible thunder lizards in question survived."
"Can't you just zap them back there with your magic, Kant?" Startleman asked.
"No, I can't. They seem to be somehow strangely artificial. In fact, I suspect they're made of clay."
Fatman rubbed his hands together: "Oh, neat. This means that I can transform into my flying saucer self and zap them with heat rays, turning them glazed and immobile."
"But what could have led the Double Cross to do something this heinous and well, tacky?" Madame Fatal asked.
Dr Goodnite cleared his throat: "I'm afraid it's Adenoid Hynkel. I've suspected it for some time, but this latest ridiculous turn of events convinced me. Adenoid Hynkel is addicted to Twinkies tm."
"But if he's been driven insane by those oversugared evil snacks, then Global War B may soon be over!" Princess Power exclaimed in delight.
"Uh oh. Trouble, everyone! I've just spotted a Double Cross tyrannosaurus rex attacking the White House."
WASHINGTON DC:
And thus it turned out to be, given that the next scene was an unconvincing miniature of the home of the President of the United States. A stop-motion claymation dinosaur jerked and prowled around outside it, delivering badly synchronised roars. For some strange reason, Adenoid Hynkel was on its back, cheering it on:
"Ha haha ha! Mein leibster dinosaurier! Destroy the House in White in which der infernal US president lives!"
"You won't get away with this, Hynkel. Incidentally, what are you doing out of Slobovia?"
"Ach, things were getting too hot for me und I decided to launch zis sneaky attack on America. At zem, mein dinosaurier!"
Fatman transformed into a flying saucer and zapped the tyrannosaurus, which glazed over and became immobile.
"Ach! Nein!" Hynkel motioned, gesturing in the general direction of several other snarling and malevolent stop-motion claymation dinosaurs of assorted species. Dr Fey raised an eyebrow:
"Hey, wait a minute! These are just enlarged clay models of dinosaurs." And with that, Dr Fey waved his hand and the creatures shrank to tiny inert models, the threat over.
Adenoid Hynkel scowled: "Verdammt Freedom Force! I shall haff mein revenge on you one day!" And before anyone could stop him, he triggered an anachronistic highly experimental prototype teleport harness and was whisked back to his Sinnloserbunker.
"Well, that was accomplished commendably quickly. Well done, everyone!" Granny Gumshoe grinned.
"I'm not sure I like the implications of this, though. Just how cheap will budgetary restraints get in this series?" Madame Fatal mused uneasily.
"Who cares! Let's get back to the FF brownstone for some lemonade and cookies."
And so, in the wartorn land of Lower Slobovia, in Burlinsque, a vault of sinister plastic-wrapped cakes waited malevolently for their next adverse turn of events. They plotted and schemed, and they had all the time in the world, given the somewhat dodgy and highly questionable preservatives involved in their manufacture...
THE END [3.10 PM, JANUARY 22, 2023]