Post by redsycorax on Jan 28, 2023 2:47:11 GMT
Yes, I'm afraid that one of the side-effects of the resurrection of the Infinite Multiverse was the regurgitation of that truly awful realm of DC AUs named the "Dork Multiverse" And Jimmy Olsen plays a disproportionate role in many of them. For example, on this alternate Earth, Jiminy Olsoon marries a gorilla. And in this universe, it sticks.
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Have you ever dreamed of an imperialist African interlude, involving lording it over African tribal communities, possibly undertaking some unseemly and probably illegal interspecies romance with a gorilla? You haven't? Well, tough. This is what happens when Superman's "friend", Jiminy Olsoon, crashlands in the aforementioned setting and gets into a questionable relationship with a lovesick, quite formidable female anthropoid. And his so-called "best friend" connives in this highly dodgy escapade.
"Clark! I'm getting sea-sick in this portable hammock. When do we stop?"
"Now Jiminy, you need to learn to exert your natural dominance over The Natives, which is why we're sitting back in these antique sedan chairs."
"Clark, I must don a torn animal leotard for no real reason and dive into this pool of quicksand!" As he did so, Clark sighed to himself. Mad impetuous Jiminy! Fortunately, or otherwise at that moment, he noticed an impending midspace collision in an alien planetary system several light years away and quickly changed to Superman. Meanwhile, Jiminy was rescued by Bruta, a female gorilla whose strength hauled him out of the quagmire. However, complications set in:
"Urrrk?"
"Gee, thanks female gorilla. You can put me down now."
"Rurk!!!" Bruta said, for she had a highly questionable fixation on higher primates of other species and had fallen instantly in love with the Daily Punnet's red-haired teenage reporter.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Er... let's not lose our heads! For one thing, what you're thinking about is illegal in most countries on this continent for one thing. And for another, isn't the Comics Code Authority still in force? It's supposed to be 1965!"
"Look! The Sacred Ape has chosen her mate at last! She is taking the red-haired ingenue guy back to her mountain cave!"
"Oook ook ook!"
"Help! Help!"
"Krukk yurk?"
"No, Bruta, you can't bribe me with bananas! Take those ugly lips away! And where the hell is Superman?!"
At last, Bruta fell asleep and Jiminy took the opportunity to escape from her cave. -Thank heavens for those jungle vines she uses for bedding. Now I can escape from that kinky ape!
Unfortunately, the tribesmen apprehended Jiminy and quickly returned him to the custody of the love-stick gorilla goddess of the interchangeable jungle setting. However, and belatedly, Superman got back from his convenient interstellar foray- and promptly acted as a spoilsport: "Now, now, Bruta...little Jiminy doesn't want to play 'house' at the moment, despite his romances with five dimensional female imps, female superheroes from the thirtieth century and sundry other females." The Africans were inevitably awed at Superman's display of strength and flight and promptly decided to ordain him as a witch doctor. For some reason, despite being an airline stewardess, Jiminy's girlfriend Luci Lune was in the accompanying film crew. Displaying an abyssmal knowledge of colonial European law about such matters, Luci made a veil for Bruta out of mosquito netting and vegetation. The gorilla made googly eyes at her intended husband, who gulped. At that point, Superman showed up:
"Er-sorry, Jiminy, but the witch doctor is sick and the natives want me to perform the ceremony instead. And they've just appointed me as one."
"Gee, thanks, "pal." Superman, you do realise that interspecies marriage is illegal, don't you?"
"Don't be such a bigot, Jiminy! Why do you think Lowis Lune and I are interested in each other? Just for that, I will marry you off!"
And so... "When the water boils in this cauldron, you will be man and wife. Ah- the steam rises! By the customs of this land, I pronounce you husband and wife. Bruta, you may kiss the groom!"
"Ook ook gruk! SMERSHHH!!!"
-What a revolting development! Jiminy thought as Bruta's lips closed on her new spouses. Fortunately for him, though, he had a movie clip of an angry gorilla hurling him off a cliff. On Earth-One, it succeeded in alienating the affections of his new anthropoid bride and the couple were divorced rather expediently.
However, and very unfortunately, it didn't do so on Earth-298. At this point, thankfully, we must heed the dictates of the Comics Code Authority and draw an extremely rapid curtain over what happened next. And say no more about it. Ever.
Source: "The Bride of Jungle Jimmy": Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen 98 (December 1966): darkworldsquarterly.gwthomas.org/jungle-jimmy-olsen
THE END [3.45 PM, JANUARY 28, 2023]
++
Have you ever dreamed of an imperialist African interlude, involving lording it over African tribal communities, possibly undertaking some unseemly and probably illegal interspecies romance with a gorilla? You haven't? Well, tough. This is what happens when Superman's "friend", Jiminy Olsoon, crashlands in the aforementioned setting and gets into a questionable relationship with a lovesick, quite formidable female anthropoid. And his so-called "best friend" connives in this highly dodgy escapade.
"Clark! I'm getting sea-sick in this portable hammock. When do we stop?"
"Now Jiminy, you need to learn to exert your natural dominance over The Natives, which is why we're sitting back in these antique sedan chairs."
"Clark, I must don a torn animal leotard for no real reason and dive into this pool of quicksand!" As he did so, Clark sighed to himself. Mad impetuous Jiminy! Fortunately, or otherwise at that moment, he noticed an impending midspace collision in an alien planetary system several light years away and quickly changed to Superman. Meanwhile, Jiminy was rescued by Bruta, a female gorilla whose strength hauled him out of the quagmire. However, complications set in:
"Urrrk?"
"Gee, thanks female gorilla. You can put me down now."
"Rurk!!!" Bruta said, for she had a highly questionable fixation on higher primates of other species and had fallen instantly in love with the Daily Punnet's red-haired teenage reporter.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Er... let's not lose our heads! For one thing, what you're thinking about is illegal in most countries on this continent for one thing. And for another, isn't the Comics Code Authority still in force? It's supposed to be 1965!"
"Look! The Sacred Ape has chosen her mate at last! She is taking the red-haired ingenue guy back to her mountain cave!"
"Oook ook ook!"
"Help! Help!"
"Krukk yurk?"
"No, Bruta, you can't bribe me with bananas! Take those ugly lips away! And where the hell is Superman?!"
At last, Bruta fell asleep and Jiminy took the opportunity to escape from her cave. -Thank heavens for those jungle vines she uses for bedding. Now I can escape from that kinky ape!
Unfortunately, the tribesmen apprehended Jiminy and quickly returned him to the custody of the love-stick gorilla goddess of the interchangeable jungle setting. However, and belatedly, Superman got back from his convenient interstellar foray- and promptly acted as a spoilsport: "Now, now, Bruta...little Jiminy doesn't want to play 'house' at the moment, despite his romances with five dimensional female imps, female superheroes from the thirtieth century and sundry other females." The Africans were inevitably awed at Superman's display of strength and flight and promptly decided to ordain him as a witch doctor. For some reason, despite being an airline stewardess, Jiminy's girlfriend Luci Lune was in the accompanying film crew. Displaying an abyssmal knowledge of colonial European law about such matters, Luci made a veil for Bruta out of mosquito netting and vegetation. The gorilla made googly eyes at her intended husband, who gulped. At that point, Superman showed up:
"Er-sorry, Jiminy, but the witch doctor is sick and the natives want me to perform the ceremony instead. And they've just appointed me as one."
"Gee, thanks, "pal." Superman, you do realise that interspecies marriage is illegal, don't you?"
"Don't be such a bigot, Jiminy! Why do you think Lowis Lune and I are interested in each other? Just for that, I will marry you off!"
And so... "When the water boils in this cauldron, you will be man and wife. Ah- the steam rises! By the customs of this land, I pronounce you husband and wife. Bruta, you may kiss the groom!"
"Ook ook gruk! SMERSHHH!!!"
-What a revolting development! Jiminy thought as Bruta's lips closed on her new spouses. Fortunately for him, though, he had a movie clip of an angry gorilla hurling him off a cliff. On Earth-One, it succeeded in alienating the affections of his new anthropoid bride and the couple were divorced rather expediently.
However, and very unfortunately, it didn't do so on Earth-298. At this point, thankfully, we must heed the dictates of the Comics Code Authority and draw an extremely rapid curtain over what happened next. And say no more about it. Ever.
Source: "The Bride of Jungle Jimmy": Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen 98 (December 1966): darkworldsquarterly.gwthomas.org/jungle-jimmy-olsen
THE END [3.45 PM, JANUARY 28, 2023]