Post by redsycorax on Jan 31, 2023 23:24:48 GMT
On many worlds within the multiverse, familiar characters have altered destinies and while the name is vaguely similar, the character definitely isn't. Thus is the case with the Italian supervillain that Earth-55's Freedom Brigade now encounter...
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ROMA:
Atop the Leaning Tower of Pizza, which was reconstructed from the original in Pisa after the latter fell over during an inconvenient earthquake during Global War B, a rather plump individual in a crimson tunic top, with a badly designed arachnid insignia, frizzy hair, a domino mask, outsize shorts and badly fitting boots, cackled insanely:
"Santa madre de Dio! E qualcuno e sembra quasi completamente diverso da un personaggio di una certa compagnia di fumetti rivale, ma ha lo stresso nome!/Holy mother of God! It's someone who looks almost completely unlike a character from a certain rival comics company but has the same name!"
"Hahaha! Hahaha! Si, spettatori civili, preparatevi a subire un assalto di ragni mutanti controllati telepaticamente!/ Hahaha! Hahaha! Yes, civilian spectators, prepare to suffer from an assault by telepathically controlled spiders!"
"Wow, anche la sue abilita sono completamente diverso da uno certo personaggio omonimo che rimarra sensa nome!/Wow, even his abilities are completely unlike a certain namesake who shall remain nameless!"
"E il dopiaggio qui e atrocamente mal sincronizzato! Per prima cosa, sono una donna, ma per qualche motivo ho una voca basso e profonda! And the dubbing here is atrociously badly synched! For one thing, I'm a woman, but for some reason, I have a deep bass voice!"
"Ah no! I ragni controllati telepaticamente si stannado impossessando dei nostri gioielli! Eppure, e davvero un terribile costume da supercattivo! Si pottrebe pensare che possa permettersi un designer decente, dato che questa chi l'Italia! Ah no, the telepathically controlled spiders are making away with our jewelry! And yet, that's a truly awful supervillain costume! You'd think he could afford a decent designer, given this is Italy!"
"E ha bisogno di andare palestra, male! Non ci sono scuse per quel tipo di flaccidita! And he needs to go to the gym badly! There's no excuse for that sort of flabbiness."
"E per quanto riguarda quell'orrible taglio di capelli e quell'orrenda barba...oh, aspetta, se n'e andato! And as for that awful haircut and ghastly facial hair... oh wait, he's gone!"
FBUS SATELLITE:
22,300 miles above the Earth pirouetted the Freedom Brigade of the United States satellite, where, in their down time, Bat Woman, the Eye and Mr Might were busily watching the latest episode of Netflux's interminable attempt to eke the last penny out of their Dalek property, namely Battle for the Valley of the Daleks, the latest sequel to their hit Valley of the Daleks, which dealt with the adventures of three somewhat overwrought Daleks -Neelyx, Anvros and Jynyfargh - to deal with life in Skaro's metallic capital, Dalazopolis. To cope with their ascent to power and fame, the Daleks in question sought illict means to enhance their abilities, namely the addictive technicolour electromagnetic 'joy juice.' Unfortunately for them, it made them highly strung and shrill, although, as Daleks tend to glide around shouting at objects and exterminating things, their behaviour went unnoticed. The three of them had affairs and betrayed each other countless times. Although the concept was lame to begin with, Earth-55's contingent of Whovians eagerly devoured the tangential spinoff series and made it a ratings hit. And thus arrived Beneath the Valley of the Daleks, Escape from the Valley of the Daleks, Conquest of the Valley of the Daleks, War for the Valley of the Daleks, Dawn of the Valley of the Daleks and now the latest instalment:
"You-utter-qlippoth-Neelyx! You-have-siphoned-off-all-my-joy-juice-you-addict! I-will-exterminate-you!"
"Hah!-Your-own-overindulgence-has-meant-your-aim-is-wildly-off!-You-exterminated-that-triffid-pot-plant!"
"Should-Daleks-have-exaggerated-shoulder-pads-when-we-have-no-shoulders?"
Thankfully and not before time, the FBUS Troubalert sounded to relieve the dreary monotony:
"Good heavens! It's an Italian supervillain whose translated name we shall studiously avoid on the basis of intellectual property infringement otherwise, but has an arachnid insignia on his upper tunic. However, his abilities are totally unlike those related to any other comic book company!" Mr Might exclaimed.
"Surely the operative aspect of this person's capabilities is their telepathic control over spiders? In which case, would insecticide work in this context?"
"Ah. No, given that the spiders are aerosol resistant mutants. They're rampaging across Italy, committing all manner of grand larceny in their wake. They need to be stopped, although the rest of the Freedom Brigade is away fighting the Busted Flush Gang." The Eye observed.
"I might have something in my Utility Bandolier for this...ah. A genetically engineered anti-arachnid fungus. Isn't it wonderful what science can conveniently come up with, especially given how unexpectedly spacious this bandolier is?"
"We have no time to lose! To the FBUS Teleporter!"
OBLIGATORY AWFUL THEME TUNE/ TEMA MUSICALE ORRIBILE OBLIGATORIO:
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Troppo paffuto per far quello che dovrebbe fare un ragno!
Non puo tessere una tela per sui vita!
Andare in giro e impossible con quelle cosce lardose!
Attenzion! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano e goffo!
E davvero doppiato male
E la sua uniforme e puramente per schlub!
Le sue capacita gli hanno data testa
Peccato che sia sovralimentato!
Attenzion! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano e goffo!
E esausto ogni volta che commette un crimine
e conta sui suoi ragni telepatici per recuperare il tempo!
Come puo qualcuno cosi incompetente farla franca con quella battuta!
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Avarizia mal progettata L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Per fortuna i ragni fanno tutto,
visto che sta portando cosi tanto peso!
E un miracolo che non sia statto catturato,
francamente, non ti lascia in visibilio!
Che fregatura!
L'Uomo Ragno Italanio!
Italian Spider Man! Italian Spider Man!
Too chubby to do what a spider should!
Can't spin a web for his life!
Swinging around is impossible with those lardy thighs!
Look out! Italian Spider Man is clumsy!
He really is badly dubbed
and his uniform is purely for schlubs!
His abilities have gone to his head
Too bad he's really overfed!
Look out! Italian Spider Man is clumsy!
He's exhausted whenever he commits a crime
And counts on his telepathic spiders to make up the time!
How can someone that incompetent get away with that line!
Italian Spider Man! Italian Spider Man!
Avaricious and badly designed Italian Spider Man!
Good thing the spiders do everything,
given he's carrying so much weight!
It's a wonder he hasn't been captured
and frankly, he doesn't leave you in raptures
What a rip-off!
Italian Spider Man!
ROME:
"URI! Cease and desist, particularly before you get us into trouble with a certain other comics company over the intellectual property rights of a character who shall remain nameless!"
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano sneered at Bat Woman and forgot that he was supposed to be speaking Italian:
"Look who's talking! At least I ripped off a certain other comics company as opposed to this one."
The Dark Knight Demimondaine frowned at her assailant: "Yes, but I'm in much better shape than you and at least my cinematic debut was sufficiently divergent from the original concept to get me a gig within the Freedom Brigade. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Apart from the fact that this Earth now has two clashing versions of Batman- one originally named "Badman" who's bent as a safety pin and a badly dressed female crime fighter with a legion of Bat Girls at her disposal?"
"Oh? What about the Other Spider-Man in our case?"
"That isn't relevant to the current discussion. Ah, Mr Might! My spiders have a little present for you..."
"Arrgh!!! Foccacia bread! My one weakness!"
"Oh sure. You telepathically control spiders and have a bargain basement uniform because it diverts attention from the fact that you're in serious trouble if you step outside Italy."
"Ahem. While this is a fascinating conversation, could we please move on and neutralise URI here before something untoward happens?"
"You are just a gigantic disembodied eyeball floating above the rest of us. Even for this Earth, that's desperate."
"URI. Might I point out that your telepathically controlled spiders have been attacked by cunning arachnotoxic fungi and are currently lying legs up in their thousands?" The Eye gesticulated with a downward gaze.
"Curse you! We appear to be at a stalemate! All right, how's this? I will not appear any further on this Earth and head off elsewhere in the Infinite Multiverse to somewhere I can get top billing. How does Earth-166 sound?"
Bat Woman was looking the reference up on the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index:
"All right. On that Earth, they've given the vote to cetaceans and higher primates and Africa had no land link to Europe and Asia after early hominids crossed over. It has no transmatter conduit to Earth-55, so you can head there and find yourself pitted against that world's Justicial Legends, Superduperman, Woman Wonder, Rubin and Batboy and Captain Marbles. Suits us."
"Hahaha! So long, Freedom Brigade! It hasn't been fun!" As URI vanished off into the netherlands of bleedspace, Bat Woman poured some acid on the foccacia bread and Mr Might came around:
"Everything done."
"I'm getting tired of these non-violent episode endings." Mr Might complained.
"Yes, but at least we're rid of that embarrassing corpulent, derivative criminal and good riddance." Bat Woman replied without a trace of irony.
"What say we get back to the FBUS satellite and finish binge watching that Valley of the Daleks repeat?" The Eye concluded.
"Oh, all right. At least the others are probably heading back from sinking the Busted Flush Gang by now." And with that, the Freedom Brigade turned for home.
THE END [3.30 PM, FEBRUARY 4, 2023]
++
ROMA:
Atop the Leaning Tower of Pizza, which was reconstructed from the original in Pisa after the latter fell over during an inconvenient earthquake during Global War B, a rather plump individual in a crimson tunic top, with a badly designed arachnid insignia, frizzy hair, a domino mask, outsize shorts and badly fitting boots, cackled insanely:
"Santa madre de Dio! E qualcuno e sembra quasi completamente diverso da un personaggio di una certa compagnia di fumetti rivale, ma ha lo stresso nome!/Holy mother of God! It's someone who looks almost completely unlike a character from a certain rival comics company but has the same name!"
"Hahaha! Hahaha! Si, spettatori civili, preparatevi a subire un assalto di ragni mutanti controllati telepaticamente!/ Hahaha! Hahaha! Yes, civilian spectators, prepare to suffer from an assault by telepathically controlled spiders!"
"Wow, anche la sue abilita sono completamente diverso da uno certo personaggio omonimo che rimarra sensa nome!/Wow, even his abilities are completely unlike a certain namesake who shall remain nameless!"
"E il dopiaggio qui e atrocamente mal sincronizzato! Per prima cosa, sono una donna, ma per qualche motivo ho una voca basso e profonda! And the dubbing here is atrociously badly synched! For one thing, I'm a woman, but for some reason, I have a deep bass voice!"
"Ah no! I ragni controllati telepaticamente si stannado impossessando dei nostri gioielli! Eppure, e davvero un terribile costume da supercattivo! Si pottrebe pensare che possa permettersi un designer decente, dato che questa chi l'Italia! Ah no, the telepathically controlled spiders are making away with our jewelry! And yet, that's a truly awful supervillain costume! You'd think he could afford a decent designer, given this is Italy!"
"E ha bisogno di andare palestra, male! Non ci sono scuse per quel tipo di flaccidita! And he needs to go to the gym badly! There's no excuse for that sort of flabbiness."
"E per quanto riguarda quell'orrible taglio di capelli e quell'orrenda barba...oh, aspetta, se n'e andato! And as for that awful haircut and ghastly facial hair... oh wait, he's gone!"
FBUS SATELLITE:
22,300 miles above the Earth pirouetted the Freedom Brigade of the United States satellite, where, in their down time, Bat Woman, the Eye and Mr Might were busily watching the latest episode of Netflux's interminable attempt to eke the last penny out of their Dalek property, namely Battle for the Valley of the Daleks, the latest sequel to their hit Valley of the Daleks, which dealt with the adventures of three somewhat overwrought Daleks -Neelyx, Anvros and Jynyfargh - to deal with life in Skaro's metallic capital, Dalazopolis. To cope with their ascent to power and fame, the Daleks in question sought illict means to enhance their abilities, namely the addictive technicolour electromagnetic 'joy juice.' Unfortunately for them, it made them highly strung and shrill, although, as Daleks tend to glide around shouting at objects and exterminating things, their behaviour went unnoticed. The three of them had affairs and betrayed each other countless times. Although the concept was lame to begin with, Earth-55's contingent of Whovians eagerly devoured the tangential spinoff series and made it a ratings hit. And thus arrived Beneath the Valley of the Daleks, Escape from the Valley of the Daleks, Conquest of the Valley of the Daleks, War for the Valley of the Daleks, Dawn of the Valley of the Daleks and now the latest instalment:
"You-utter-qlippoth-Neelyx! You-have-siphoned-off-all-my-joy-juice-you-addict! I-will-exterminate-you!"
"Hah!-Your-own-overindulgence-has-meant-your-aim-is-wildly-off!-You-exterminated-that-triffid-pot-plant!"
"Should-Daleks-have-exaggerated-shoulder-pads-when-we-have-no-shoulders?"
Thankfully and not before time, the FBUS Troubalert sounded to relieve the dreary monotony:
"Good heavens! It's an Italian supervillain whose translated name we shall studiously avoid on the basis of intellectual property infringement otherwise, but has an arachnid insignia on his upper tunic. However, his abilities are totally unlike those related to any other comic book company!" Mr Might exclaimed.
"Surely the operative aspect of this person's capabilities is their telepathic control over spiders? In which case, would insecticide work in this context?"
"Ah. No, given that the spiders are aerosol resistant mutants. They're rampaging across Italy, committing all manner of grand larceny in their wake. They need to be stopped, although the rest of the Freedom Brigade is away fighting the Busted Flush Gang." The Eye observed.
"I might have something in my Utility Bandolier for this...ah. A genetically engineered anti-arachnid fungus. Isn't it wonderful what science can conveniently come up with, especially given how unexpectedly spacious this bandolier is?"
"We have no time to lose! To the FBUS Teleporter!"
OBLIGATORY AWFUL THEME TUNE/ TEMA MUSICALE ORRIBILE OBLIGATORIO:
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Troppo paffuto per far quello che dovrebbe fare un ragno!
Non puo tessere una tela per sui vita!
Andare in giro e impossible con quelle cosce lardose!
Attenzion! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano e goffo!
E davvero doppiato male
E la sua uniforme e puramente per schlub!
Le sue capacita gli hanno data testa
Peccato che sia sovralimentato!
Attenzion! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano e goffo!
E esausto ogni volta che commette un crimine
e conta sui suoi ragni telepatici per recuperare il tempo!
Come puo qualcuno cosi incompetente farla franca con quella battuta!
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano! L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Avarizia mal progettata L'Uomo Ragno Italiano!
Per fortuna i ragni fanno tutto,
visto che sta portando cosi tanto peso!
E un miracolo che non sia statto catturato,
francamente, non ti lascia in visibilio!
Che fregatura!
L'Uomo Ragno Italanio!
Italian Spider Man! Italian Spider Man!
Too chubby to do what a spider should!
Can't spin a web for his life!
Swinging around is impossible with those lardy thighs!
Look out! Italian Spider Man is clumsy!
He really is badly dubbed
and his uniform is purely for schlubs!
His abilities have gone to his head
Too bad he's really overfed!
Look out! Italian Spider Man is clumsy!
He's exhausted whenever he commits a crime
And counts on his telepathic spiders to make up the time!
How can someone that incompetent get away with that line!
Italian Spider Man! Italian Spider Man!
Avaricious and badly designed Italian Spider Man!
Good thing the spiders do everything,
given he's carrying so much weight!
It's a wonder he hasn't been captured
and frankly, he doesn't leave you in raptures
What a rip-off!
Italian Spider Man!
ROME:
"URI! Cease and desist, particularly before you get us into trouble with a certain other comics company over the intellectual property rights of a character who shall remain nameless!"
L'Uomo Ragno Italiano sneered at Bat Woman and forgot that he was supposed to be speaking Italian:
"Look who's talking! At least I ripped off a certain other comics company as opposed to this one."
The Dark Knight Demimondaine frowned at her assailant: "Yes, but I'm in much better shape than you and at least my cinematic debut was sufficiently divergent from the original concept to get me a gig within the Freedom Brigade. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Apart from the fact that this Earth now has two clashing versions of Batman- one originally named "Badman" who's bent as a safety pin and a badly dressed female crime fighter with a legion of Bat Girls at her disposal?"
"Oh? What about the Other Spider-Man in our case?"
"That isn't relevant to the current discussion. Ah, Mr Might! My spiders have a little present for you..."
"Arrgh!!! Foccacia bread! My one weakness!"
"Oh sure. You telepathically control spiders and have a bargain basement uniform because it diverts attention from the fact that you're in serious trouble if you step outside Italy."
"Ahem. While this is a fascinating conversation, could we please move on and neutralise URI here before something untoward happens?"
"You are just a gigantic disembodied eyeball floating above the rest of us. Even for this Earth, that's desperate."
"URI. Might I point out that your telepathically controlled spiders have been attacked by cunning arachnotoxic fungi and are currently lying legs up in their thousands?" The Eye gesticulated with a downward gaze.
"Curse you! We appear to be at a stalemate! All right, how's this? I will not appear any further on this Earth and head off elsewhere in the Infinite Multiverse to somewhere I can get top billing. How does Earth-166 sound?"
Bat Woman was looking the reference up on the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index:
"All right. On that Earth, they've given the vote to cetaceans and higher primates and Africa had no land link to Europe and Asia after early hominids crossed over. It has no transmatter conduit to Earth-55, so you can head there and find yourself pitted against that world's Justicial Legends, Superduperman, Woman Wonder, Rubin and Batboy and Captain Marbles. Suits us."
"Hahaha! So long, Freedom Brigade! It hasn't been fun!" As URI vanished off into the netherlands of bleedspace, Bat Woman poured some acid on the foccacia bread and Mr Might came around:
"Everything done."
"I'm getting tired of these non-violent episode endings." Mr Might complained.
"Yes, but at least we're rid of that embarrassing corpulent, derivative criminal and good riddance." Bat Woman replied without a trace of irony.
"What say we get back to the FBUS satellite and finish binge watching that Valley of the Daleks repeat?" The Eye concluded.
"Oh, all right. At least the others are probably heading back from sinking the Busted Flush Gang by now." And with that, the Freedom Brigade turned for home.
THE END [3.30 PM, FEBRUARY 4, 2023]