Post by redsycorax on Sept 20, 2018 1:43:32 GMT
At the Hall of Freedom, the Freedom Brigade's AI Black Vulcan was busy fixing the Troubalert. Several days ago, Earth-55 had inexplicably reverted to its original place in the Multiverse, adjacent to the Source Wall and the Core 53 worlds, and the resultant upheaval had somewhat interfered with the always turgid activities of the Freedom Brigade of the United States. Their somewhat listless offspring, the Inferior Five, were busy having teenage sidekick interludes elsewhere, but in any case, FBUS had more pressing concerns, such as the condition of their headquarters and the sundry existential dramas that their membership were susceptible to. Captain Swift and his husband Ira West Allen were fine, as were Mr Might and Mermaid, although Mr Might's two former non-metahuman girlfriends still rolled in to conduct all-in womens wrestling competitions over the hand of their Neonian former paramour despite his marital status. Meanwhile, though, Princess Power and Patriot were having one of their interminable dysfunctional relationship interludes and refusing to join specialist FBUS teams with one another unless absolutely necessary.
Abruptly, the FBUS teleporter activated and a strangely familiar form materialised:
"Wow! He has got one cute chiselled ass!" objectified Princess Power.
"FBUS biometrics identify this as Dirk Grierson, former teenage ward of bankrupt Slotham City zillionaire Brian Payne."
"Shut up, Vulcan! That's supposed to be my secret identity."
"Hey, look, we've just been through a major multiversal upheaval and I'm busy fixing the Troubalert. Cut me some slack, bro."
"Wait a minute- it's the FBUS' old younger foe from the Duo of Darkness- Robber the Teen Plunder."
"Not any more. I got tired of the homoerotic lechery from Badman and fortunately, I won a case for sexual harassment from him. I'm straight now."
"Hetero fink!" muttered Captain Swift.
"No, I'm still gay. It's just that Badman is starting to get tubby and speaks erratically."
Mermaid gasped: "So, what you're saying is that Badman h-h-has... Shatnerosis?"
"Yes. He can hardly squeeze down the Badpole into our secret headquarters and on one recent outing, the Badrope broke. He can't fit into the Badmobile anymore and Albert, our loyal zombie retainer, has him on a diet. He's acting strangely."
"Yes, but he's always been a little camp. How is that any different from usual?" Mr Might queried.
"Quiet, Barb-El. This is serious. If Badman is starting to falter, then who will end up ruling the Slotham City underworld in this stead?"
Barbarella Google, that Damsel of Darkness known as The Badgirl, rode her Badcycle down Main Street in Slotham, fuming about the recent admission of her Republicanism to her dad, Don Jimmy Google of the Slotham Mafia. Several years ago, Barbarella had been elected as a Congressperson for an indeterminate political party and had lived in the nation's capital, Walsingham DC, for a while. Inevitably, questions arose over which party precisely. And so, Barbarella had sat Jimmy down and 'came out' to him. Initially, Jimmy had seemed to take it well, but then some strange volumes started to show up on her bookshelf- Ex-Republicans? A Longwinded Look into Changing Political Orientation, A Parents Guide to Preventing Republicanism, When Republicanism Hits Home, Someone I Love is A Republican and Coming Out of Republicanism. From the selection of titles, Barbarella gathered that her parents didn't approve of her political orientation, given that this material focused on the crises and scandals, depression, mental illness, extra-marital affairs, struggles with urges to cause pain to people, heavy medication, addiction to morris dancing, cereal abuse and even murder. Long ago, Barbarella had resolved never to be ashamed of her fiscal conservatism, but now the Giant Orangutan was running amok in the Presidential Blue House, screeching abuse at his handlers, flinging certain substances at his hapless Cabinet colleagues and just generally causing a catastrophic collapse in opinion poll ratings that made Republicans three points less popular than anthrax, on a par with bubonic plague.
She smirked to herself. Soon, she'd be able to boast that she had an honest job, as queenpin of Slotham City's underworld. She ran into the derelict remains of Stately Pain Manor, then did so again three tmes before she realised that the stock footage reel was stuck. Ultimately, however, Badgirl slid sedately down the Badpole into the Badcave, lair of the Duo of Darkness Minus One, Badman And. (No, it didn't fit, did it? As she prepared to clear her throat, she noticed Badman was trying to have a conversation with his undead butler, Albert Hapennysworth: "Mawster Brian... brainsss!"
"No, try harder, Albert. Not brains. What did you need to tell me about?"
"Mawster Dirk has turned up at the Hall of Freedom, with a new secret identity, Lightswitch."
"Oh? Is that what turns him on now? Why do they grow up so quickly, Albert?"
"Well, you couldn't keep him out of long trousers forever, Master Brian, and those speedos were beginning to chafe."
Abruptly, in strode Badgirl:
"Badgirl! How did you deduce my secret identity as Brian Payne?!"
"Honestly, Badman. I have your forensic skills, and I took your girth dimensions. It maps directly onto those of your alter ego. Now, given your weighty problems and speech difficulties, I suggest you hand your crime-causing portfolio over to me, given Robber has defected to the other side."
"I never thought he'd leave me. All right, all right. But do you have what it takes to be a top notch effective supervillainess?"
"Glad you asked."
Mermaid was on duty in the Hall of Freedom when she intercepted a distress call on the now functional Troubalert:
"Mr Might, Patriot, Lady Liberty, Captain Swift, Lightswitch, I have a Troubalert request from the Secret Department of Investigations for us."
"Holy national security!" Lightswitch said, leaping out of bed without any shorts on. Lady Liberty licked her lips as he hurriedly covered up, but not before she'd used her Libertyscope to take copious pictures of his taut, chiselled butt. Patriot said coldly:
"That was completely gratuitous."
"Rather like your interspecies dalliance with Elephantissima, the Pachyderm City ambassador and your handcuffs, you mean, Jabez?" Lady Liberty said sweetly.
"Isn't our divorce bad enough?"
"For whom? My film career has gone profitably into the black thanks to the public sympathy. And anyway, at least I'm not a ...(gasp) practising Republican!"
"Now, now. Jabez is entitled to his own political orientation..."
"Thank you, Billy."
"No matter how sick, disgusting and perverted some people may find that sort of politics. One other question. How is the SDI supposed to be 'secret' when it has its address on most street tracking software and emblazoned above its premises?" Mr Might queried.
"Hello, secret continent of Glacia that is somehow invisible from surveillance satellites and submarine sonar? This is Badgirl. I want to enlist the assistance of Dr Thinkquick. What? He's been fired for a particularly stupid plot that contributed to high-speed anthropogenic climate change? Bugger. Oh, well, thanks..."
Badgirl sighed as she put down the Badphone and crossed another ex-supervillain off the list. So far, she'd also eliminated King Plasto, inventor of the wonder-polymer Freep, the subterranean Earthors, subaquatic Hydronoids, Amy Zhan the fifty foot woman, and discovered the Fearian inhabitants of Venus were extinct due to the fact that they lived on a water world and their continents had no continental shelves. Or was that because the Termites of Venus were undermining the planet's limestone continental shelves? Anyway, they were extinct as well, having eaten themselves out of an ecological niche. What a stark warning to Earth not to evolve any mineral-eating giant arthropods!!! Anyway, she did some more excavation and came up with only two surplus names- the Capricorn Kid and Deconstructo, the French dismantlement metahuman. There was Yok Fu, but that was an anthropomorphic giant egg that spoke bad English and was an embarrassing anachronism that really shouldn't be there. She rubbed her hands in evil glee, or possibly also because the Badcave's central heating was on the blink.
Abruptly, the Troubalert sounded and the duty members of the Freedom Brigade ran or swam into the control room. Black Vulcan cleared his throat:
"I have a message from Colonel Wilcox at the SDI. Hey, wasn't he a white dude? Now she's named Yvonne and a beautiful African American sister..."
"Freedom Brigade!!! I have an urgent message from the environs of Slotham City. It seems to be from the highly secret, concealed and otherwise unknown Badcave, the secret headquarters of Badman And. Excuse the tacky opening blurb, it came with the message and it's proven impossible to erase it..."
There was a scene of a young woman in her twenties in a Badmanesque outfit, except much thinner and better designed. Over the image, the following ghastly theme music played:
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Where I come from is somewhere round the bend
And at least creepy old Badman isn't checking my rear end!
I'm into the fetish scene, if you really wanna know.
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Which superhero is always off his face?
Really, isn't that an utter, utter disgrace?
Yaaa, I'm far hotter than Badman
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Yaaa, I'm far hotter than Badman
Badgirl!
"Wow, that read like a really bad Thomas Pynchon verse interlude." Lady Liberty observed
"Hey dudes and chix, I have an unauthorised teleport arriving. I can't jam it. Uhhnnnn!"
Those innuendoes about my substance abuse problem. Hmmmph!!! thought Bowman.
"'Chix? Is that even a word?" Mermaid queried.
"Less grammatical precision, more action! The FBUS compound is about to be stormed!" Mr Might pointed to the rapidly coalescing point of light at the teleport nexus.
"Wait a minute," Princess Power frowned,"what do you mean stormed? There are only three of them in the teleport bay!"
"Tremble, Freedom Brigade of the United States!!! For we are... the Iniquity League of Abomination!!!"
"Well, you're not that abominable, actually. Are you a Republican?" Patriot said, sidling toward Badgirl, who sighed:
"Really, Patriot, I do sympathise with your plight, being married to a politically incompatible embodiment of US national spirit. However, chix before..."
"Ah, so you're the leader of this supervillain ring? Excellent. We're long overdue for an effective female metahuman enemy." Lady Liberty observed, to the applause of Green Canary, Princess Power and Mermaid.
"This is no time for occupational feminism." Mr Might scolded, until Lightswitch cleared his throat and pointed to the #MeToo badge that he'd just donned, just in case Lady Liberty made another inappropriate observation about his posterior.
"Weel you faaart them, mademoiselle Badgrill?" said Deconstructo, in atrocious franglais.
"Howdy, podner." said a westernised figure in tight fighting chaps,"is that a Badarang in your unitard or are you just pleased to see me? Ah'm the Capricorn Kid from the planet Texarkana."
"Settled by Brokeback Mountain devotees? Sorry, I'm not into cowboy outfits."
"Would you rather I took it off, then?"
"Do you mind? This fight scene is getting needlessly homoerotic." Mr Might scolded.
Pow! Wham! Sock! Kablooie! Zap! Arggh! Biff! Binky! went the antique sound effects, albeit not too well in synchronisation with the badly choreographed fight scene.
Earth-55! Bow Before Yur New Masters! thundered Intellectron of the Gentry.
"Oh great, we're having an extradimensional incursion as well. Who asked you folks to subvert the fabric of reality on this world?
He has a point, Intellectron. Is this alternate Urth worth invading?
Keep out of this, Dame Merciless, I'm in charge here, remember?
Up yours, you sexist ovoid! exclaimed the female Gentry, with applause from Mermaid, Lady Liberty, Green Canary, Princess Power and Badgirl.
She's right, you know, Intellectron. Remember what happened the last time you led a transdimensional incursion?
That'll be quite enough from your newbies, Damn All.
Right, like you original Gentry made an overwhelming impression when you alerted the whole of the Core 52 multiverse to your existence?
Oh, this is ridiculous! How can we possibly hope to establish dominion over this planet when we can't even agree with ourselves? exclaimed Darling Come Home.
And so arguing, the Gentry left Earth-55, all too aware that they would have to formulate an excuse about their inability to properly co-ordinate on one of the most haphazard alternate Earths in the Greater Multiverse to Empty-Is-My-Hand, who wasn't going to be too happy with them.
"Did we just witness a significant conflict within the membership of the most fearsome interdimensional threat to the integrity of the whole multiverse?"
"Hmmm. So they have trouble attracting new members too?" mused Patriot.
"We integrate them better, though." Captain Swift replied, having had enough of the interrupted conflict and setting the teleport for the Pink Cape, a nice little metahuman gay bar in San Francisco, as Lightswitch gratefully accompanied him.
"Sometimes." Green Canary said, cold-shouldering Bowman.
Choke. Will Dana ever forgive me for my substance abuse problem? Bowman asked himself.
"Hey! What about us? The Iniquity League is supposed to cause a massive existential threat in several of you that adversely affects your co-ordination as a fighting unit!" Badgirl exclaimed, before realising that she'd just needlessly infodumped expository dialogue and disclosed her mission objective to her opponents.
"You're not being taken seriously as a female leader? Oh, sister, Princess Power and I can relate!!! Back in the forties, I served almost exclusively as unpaid kitchen help and secretary to the Freedom Force, who were a massive case of self-righteous testosterone poisoning as well as the Golden Age predecessors of these clowns."
"Believe us, this whole situation is nothing to do whatsoever with your competence or professionalism as a supervillain, Badgirl. Actually, that was an excellent plan. It's just that the underlying ethos of this world is parody, according to Glamazon philosophy and advanced scientific exploration. Let's grab a beer somewhere and we can discuss this further."
"That's an excellent idea" Badgirl said, short-circuiting the patriarchal narrative of needless violence that would otherwise have ensued. The Capricorn Kid deserted the fight at that point too, trailing Captain Swift and Lightswitch to the Pink Cape in hopes of some cross-morality nookie with the single Lightswitch later that evening. This left Deconstructo alone facing Bowman, Patriot and Mr. Might, who quailed and sank dyspeptically to the ground as Deconstructo heaved a massive volume of French philosophy at him:
"Ahhhh! Being and Meaninglessness by Jean-Sol Partre, my one weakness!"
"Ah, so you actually read that junior doorstop collection of crappy, verbose and convoluted badly translated French philosophy too?" Bowman riposted.
"Zut alors! I weel not stand 'ere and witness my beloved patries greatest philosophe maligned by two hommes in etrange uniforms!" With that, Deconstructo teleported away, leaving Bowman, Patriot and Mr Might without any supervillains left to combat.
"Hey, I know! Let's have our own existential crisis about the ennui and changelessness of our world and cease combat because it's absolutely pointless!" Mr Might snapped his fingers.
"Sounds like a plan. I may need to lay off the sauce. My liver, kidney and pancreas aren't on speaking terms with me." Bowman said, as Patriot found himself in the deserted Hall of Freedom.
"Oh, hey, Jabez dude. I've got to turn on the cleaning machines and order new furniture, food utensils and IT from our central inventory." Downhearted, Patriot sauntered down the corridor to the exit, and to his interminable fate- as the human sidekick on the reality show that he conducted alongside the tempestuous erstwhile First Orangutan, Me and the Trump. Was this the end of the Freedom Brigade, he wondered forelornly to himself, or was it just execrable plotting and characterisation by an appallingly lazy fanfiction author?
At that moment, in a sudden act of deity, a large meteoroid plummetted from the heavens and squashed Patriot flat, never to rise from the scorchmark on the Hall of Freedom forecourt again, due to rank insubordination on his part.
Meanwhile, in the Badcave, Badman's Shatnerosis was far advanced: "Help. Get. Me. Out of. Here. I'm. Starving!" The corpulent Caped Criminal had gotten himself stuck inside the Badmobile, but given that someone at Stately Former Payne Manor had left the door open, Albert the undead Loyal Retainer was out roaming the streets of Slotham City looking for tasty human cranial content. As the hours grew on, Badman's cries grew weaker and weaker until...
THE END
Abruptly, the FBUS teleporter activated and a strangely familiar form materialised:
"Wow! He has got one cute chiselled ass!" objectified Princess Power.
"FBUS biometrics identify this as Dirk Grierson, former teenage ward of bankrupt Slotham City zillionaire Brian Payne."
"Shut up, Vulcan! That's supposed to be my secret identity."
"Hey, look, we've just been through a major multiversal upheaval and I'm busy fixing the Troubalert. Cut me some slack, bro."
"Wait a minute- it's the FBUS' old younger foe from the Duo of Darkness- Robber the Teen Plunder."
"Not any more. I got tired of the homoerotic lechery from Badman and fortunately, I won a case for sexual harassment from him. I'm straight now."
"Hetero fink!" muttered Captain Swift.
"No, I'm still gay. It's just that Badman is starting to get tubby and speaks erratically."
Mermaid gasped: "So, what you're saying is that Badman h-h-has... Shatnerosis?"
"Yes. He can hardly squeeze down the Badpole into our secret headquarters and on one recent outing, the Badrope broke. He can't fit into the Badmobile anymore and Albert, our loyal zombie retainer, has him on a diet. He's acting strangely."
"Yes, but he's always been a little camp. How is that any different from usual?" Mr Might queried.
"Quiet, Barb-El. This is serious. If Badman is starting to falter, then who will end up ruling the Slotham City underworld in this stead?"
Barbarella Google, that Damsel of Darkness known as The Badgirl, rode her Badcycle down Main Street in Slotham, fuming about the recent admission of her Republicanism to her dad, Don Jimmy Google of the Slotham Mafia. Several years ago, Barbarella had been elected as a Congressperson for an indeterminate political party and had lived in the nation's capital, Walsingham DC, for a while. Inevitably, questions arose over which party precisely. And so, Barbarella had sat Jimmy down and 'came out' to him. Initially, Jimmy had seemed to take it well, but then some strange volumes started to show up on her bookshelf- Ex-Republicans? A Longwinded Look into Changing Political Orientation, A Parents Guide to Preventing Republicanism, When Republicanism Hits Home, Someone I Love is A Republican and Coming Out of Republicanism. From the selection of titles, Barbarella gathered that her parents didn't approve of her political orientation, given that this material focused on the crises and scandals, depression, mental illness, extra-marital affairs, struggles with urges to cause pain to people, heavy medication, addiction to morris dancing, cereal abuse and even murder. Long ago, Barbarella had resolved never to be ashamed of her fiscal conservatism, but now the Giant Orangutan was running amok in the Presidential Blue House, screeching abuse at his handlers, flinging certain substances at his hapless Cabinet colleagues and just generally causing a catastrophic collapse in opinion poll ratings that made Republicans three points less popular than anthrax, on a par with bubonic plague.
She smirked to herself. Soon, she'd be able to boast that she had an honest job, as queenpin of Slotham City's underworld. She ran into the derelict remains of Stately Pain Manor, then did so again three tmes before she realised that the stock footage reel was stuck. Ultimately, however, Badgirl slid sedately down the Badpole into the Badcave, lair of the Duo of Darkness Minus One, Badman And. (No, it didn't fit, did it? As she prepared to clear her throat, she noticed Badman was trying to have a conversation with his undead butler, Albert Hapennysworth: "Mawster Brian... brainsss!"
"No, try harder, Albert. Not brains. What did you need to tell me about?"
"Mawster Dirk has turned up at the Hall of Freedom, with a new secret identity, Lightswitch."
"Oh? Is that what turns him on now? Why do they grow up so quickly, Albert?"
"Well, you couldn't keep him out of long trousers forever, Master Brian, and those speedos were beginning to chafe."
Abruptly, in strode Badgirl:
"Badgirl! How did you deduce my secret identity as Brian Payne?!"
"Honestly, Badman. I have your forensic skills, and I took your girth dimensions. It maps directly onto those of your alter ego. Now, given your weighty problems and speech difficulties, I suggest you hand your crime-causing portfolio over to me, given Robber has defected to the other side."
"I never thought he'd leave me. All right, all right. But do you have what it takes to be a top notch effective supervillainess?"
"Glad you asked."
Mermaid was on duty in the Hall of Freedom when she intercepted a distress call on the now functional Troubalert:
"Mr Might, Patriot, Lady Liberty, Captain Swift, Lightswitch, I have a Troubalert request from the Secret Department of Investigations for us."
"Holy national security!" Lightswitch said, leaping out of bed without any shorts on. Lady Liberty licked her lips as he hurriedly covered up, but not before she'd used her Libertyscope to take copious pictures of his taut, chiselled butt. Patriot said coldly:
"That was completely gratuitous."
"Rather like your interspecies dalliance with Elephantissima, the Pachyderm City ambassador and your handcuffs, you mean, Jabez?" Lady Liberty said sweetly.
"Isn't our divorce bad enough?"
"For whom? My film career has gone profitably into the black thanks to the public sympathy. And anyway, at least I'm not a ...(gasp) practising Republican!"
"Now, now. Jabez is entitled to his own political orientation..."
"Thank you, Billy."
"No matter how sick, disgusting and perverted some people may find that sort of politics. One other question. How is the SDI supposed to be 'secret' when it has its address on most street tracking software and emblazoned above its premises?" Mr Might queried.
"Hello, secret continent of Glacia that is somehow invisible from surveillance satellites and submarine sonar? This is Badgirl. I want to enlist the assistance of Dr Thinkquick. What? He's been fired for a particularly stupid plot that contributed to high-speed anthropogenic climate change? Bugger. Oh, well, thanks..."
Badgirl sighed as she put down the Badphone and crossed another ex-supervillain off the list. So far, she'd also eliminated King Plasto, inventor of the wonder-polymer Freep, the subterranean Earthors, subaquatic Hydronoids, Amy Zhan the fifty foot woman, and discovered the Fearian inhabitants of Venus were extinct due to the fact that they lived on a water world and their continents had no continental shelves. Or was that because the Termites of Venus were undermining the planet's limestone continental shelves? Anyway, they were extinct as well, having eaten themselves out of an ecological niche. What a stark warning to Earth not to evolve any mineral-eating giant arthropods!!! Anyway, she did some more excavation and came up with only two surplus names- the Capricorn Kid and Deconstructo, the French dismantlement metahuman. There was Yok Fu, but that was an anthropomorphic giant egg that spoke bad English and was an embarrassing anachronism that really shouldn't be there. She rubbed her hands in evil glee, or possibly also because the Badcave's central heating was on the blink.
Abruptly, the Troubalert sounded and the duty members of the Freedom Brigade ran or swam into the control room. Black Vulcan cleared his throat:
"I have a message from Colonel Wilcox at the SDI. Hey, wasn't he a white dude? Now she's named Yvonne and a beautiful African American sister..."
"Freedom Brigade!!! I have an urgent message from the environs of Slotham City. It seems to be from the highly secret, concealed and otherwise unknown Badcave, the secret headquarters of Badman And. Excuse the tacky opening blurb, it came with the message and it's proven impossible to erase it..."
There was a scene of a young woman in her twenties in a Badmanesque outfit, except much thinner and better designed. Over the image, the following ghastly theme music played:
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Where I come from is somewhere round the bend
And at least creepy old Badman isn't checking my rear end!
I'm into the fetish scene, if you really wanna know.
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Which superhero is always off his face?
Really, isn't that an utter, utter disgrace?
Yaaa, I'm far hotter than Badman
Badgirrrl, Badgirl!
Yaaa, I'm far hotter than Badman
Badgirl!
"Wow, that read like a really bad Thomas Pynchon verse interlude." Lady Liberty observed
"Hey dudes and chix, I have an unauthorised teleport arriving. I can't jam it. Uhhnnnn!"
Those innuendoes about my substance abuse problem. Hmmmph!!! thought Bowman.
"'Chix? Is that even a word?" Mermaid queried.
"Less grammatical precision, more action! The FBUS compound is about to be stormed!" Mr Might pointed to the rapidly coalescing point of light at the teleport nexus.
"Wait a minute," Princess Power frowned,"what do you mean stormed? There are only three of them in the teleport bay!"
"Tremble, Freedom Brigade of the United States!!! For we are... the Iniquity League of Abomination!!!"
"Well, you're not that abominable, actually. Are you a Republican?" Patriot said, sidling toward Badgirl, who sighed:
"Really, Patriot, I do sympathise with your plight, being married to a politically incompatible embodiment of US national spirit. However, chix before..."
"Ah, so you're the leader of this supervillain ring? Excellent. We're long overdue for an effective female metahuman enemy." Lady Liberty observed, to the applause of Green Canary, Princess Power and Mermaid.
"This is no time for occupational feminism." Mr Might scolded, until Lightswitch cleared his throat and pointed to the #MeToo badge that he'd just donned, just in case Lady Liberty made another inappropriate observation about his posterior.
"Weel you faaart them, mademoiselle Badgrill?" said Deconstructo, in atrocious franglais.
"Howdy, podner." said a westernised figure in tight fighting chaps,"is that a Badarang in your unitard or are you just pleased to see me? Ah'm the Capricorn Kid from the planet Texarkana."
"Settled by Brokeback Mountain devotees? Sorry, I'm not into cowboy outfits."
"Would you rather I took it off, then?"
"Do you mind? This fight scene is getting needlessly homoerotic." Mr Might scolded.
Pow! Wham! Sock! Kablooie! Zap! Arggh! Biff! Binky! went the antique sound effects, albeit not too well in synchronisation with the badly choreographed fight scene.
Earth-55! Bow Before Yur New Masters! thundered Intellectron of the Gentry.
"Oh great, we're having an extradimensional incursion as well. Who asked you folks to subvert the fabric of reality on this world?
He has a point, Intellectron. Is this alternate Urth worth invading?
Keep out of this, Dame Merciless, I'm in charge here, remember?
Up yours, you sexist ovoid! exclaimed the female Gentry, with applause from Mermaid, Lady Liberty, Green Canary, Princess Power and Badgirl.
She's right, you know, Intellectron. Remember what happened the last time you led a transdimensional incursion?
That'll be quite enough from your newbies, Damn All.
Right, like you original Gentry made an overwhelming impression when you alerted the whole of the Core 52 multiverse to your existence?
Oh, this is ridiculous! How can we possibly hope to establish dominion over this planet when we can't even agree with ourselves? exclaimed Darling Come Home.
And so arguing, the Gentry left Earth-55, all too aware that they would have to formulate an excuse about their inability to properly co-ordinate on one of the most haphazard alternate Earths in the Greater Multiverse to Empty-Is-My-Hand, who wasn't going to be too happy with them.
"Did we just witness a significant conflict within the membership of the most fearsome interdimensional threat to the integrity of the whole multiverse?"
"Hmmm. So they have trouble attracting new members too?" mused Patriot.
"We integrate them better, though." Captain Swift replied, having had enough of the interrupted conflict and setting the teleport for the Pink Cape, a nice little metahuman gay bar in San Francisco, as Lightswitch gratefully accompanied him.
"Sometimes." Green Canary said, cold-shouldering Bowman.
Choke. Will Dana ever forgive me for my substance abuse problem? Bowman asked himself.
"Hey! What about us? The Iniquity League is supposed to cause a massive existential threat in several of you that adversely affects your co-ordination as a fighting unit!" Badgirl exclaimed, before realising that she'd just needlessly infodumped expository dialogue and disclosed her mission objective to her opponents.
"You're not being taken seriously as a female leader? Oh, sister, Princess Power and I can relate!!! Back in the forties, I served almost exclusively as unpaid kitchen help and secretary to the Freedom Force, who were a massive case of self-righteous testosterone poisoning as well as the Golden Age predecessors of these clowns."
"Believe us, this whole situation is nothing to do whatsoever with your competence or professionalism as a supervillain, Badgirl. Actually, that was an excellent plan. It's just that the underlying ethos of this world is parody, according to Glamazon philosophy and advanced scientific exploration. Let's grab a beer somewhere and we can discuss this further."
"That's an excellent idea" Badgirl said, short-circuiting the patriarchal narrative of needless violence that would otherwise have ensued. The Capricorn Kid deserted the fight at that point too, trailing Captain Swift and Lightswitch to the Pink Cape in hopes of some cross-morality nookie with the single Lightswitch later that evening. This left Deconstructo alone facing Bowman, Patriot and Mr. Might, who quailed and sank dyspeptically to the ground as Deconstructo heaved a massive volume of French philosophy at him:
"Ahhhh! Being and Meaninglessness by Jean-Sol Partre, my one weakness!"
"Ah, so you actually read that junior doorstop collection of crappy, verbose and convoluted badly translated French philosophy too?" Bowman riposted.
"Zut alors! I weel not stand 'ere and witness my beloved patries greatest philosophe maligned by two hommes in etrange uniforms!" With that, Deconstructo teleported away, leaving Bowman, Patriot and Mr Might without any supervillains left to combat.
"Hey, I know! Let's have our own existential crisis about the ennui and changelessness of our world and cease combat because it's absolutely pointless!" Mr Might snapped his fingers.
"Sounds like a plan. I may need to lay off the sauce. My liver, kidney and pancreas aren't on speaking terms with me." Bowman said, as Patriot found himself in the deserted Hall of Freedom.
"Oh, hey, Jabez dude. I've got to turn on the cleaning machines and order new furniture, food utensils and IT from our central inventory." Downhearted, Patriot sauntered down the corridor to the exit, and to his interminable fate- as the human sidekick on the reality show that he conducted alongside the tempestuous erstwhile First Orangutan, Me and the Trump. Was this the end of the Freedom Brigade, he wondered forelornly to himself, or was it just execrable plotting and characterisation by an appallingly lazy fanfiction author?
At that moment, in a sudden act of deity, a large meteoroid plummetted from the heavens and squashed Patriot flat, never to rise from the scorchmark on the Hall of Freedom forecourt again, due to rank insubordination on his part.
Meanwhile, in the Badcave, Badman's Shatnerosis was far advanced: "Help. Get. Me. Out of. Here. I'm. Starving!" The corpulent Caped Criminal had gotten himself stuck inside the Badmobile, but given that someone at Stately Former Payne Manor had left the door open, Albert the undead Loyal Retainer was out roaming the streets of Slotham City looking for tasty human cranial content. As the hours grew on, Badman's cries grew weaker and weaker until...
THE END