Post by redsycorax on Oct 9, 2018 3:01:22 GMT
Earth-F.
Of all the Earths in the infinite multiverse, this one has less reason to exist than any other, even the completely uninhabited ones where life never evolved. On this Earth, life does exist, but constructed along completely illogical and simplistic lines akin to bad American cartoon children's programming from the seventies and eighties. Due to the fact that interplanetary defence was mediocre and so were most military institutions and political leadership, the Martian dictator Martler and his Solazis then invaded the planet. In time, he bequeathed his ill-gotten dominion to his daughter Ma'avis Martler, but their universe was succumbing to the consequences of eighty years of bad plotting, characterisation and lackadaisical laws of physics. Desperately, Ma'avis Martler devised a cunning plan- which would endanger some of the more respectable Earths in the multiverse later, but in the interim period, the Solazis planned to send their not quite so awesome 'hit and miss squad' to what they considered a relatively more easy target... Earth-55, formerly Earth-12 (Pre-Crisis Notation), home to the Freedom Brigade of the United States and sundry others.
"Angel don't be discouraged
the Ape, he ain't so hard to understand
...the Ape was born in the zoo,
spent a lot of time in his cage;
his belly was hungry for bananas,
his mind for the works of Arthur Conan Doyle
SPOOOOOO!!!"
The Freedom Brigade applauded as one of Lightswitch's lightarangs took out the nuisance narratophage which had decided to emulate a sitcom featuring two other inhabitants of Earth-55's universe. Lady Liberty checked the Troubalert:
"Black Vulcan, dear, that was the fifteenth one this month."
"Hey, Lady L, I am not responsible for pest control. I think someone's breeding them and deliberately setting them loose in Earth orbit."
"But surely the filtration system...?"
"They're gettin' more cunning."
"Cunning? How can a sound blip and twee verbal content be 'cunning' with that little actual substance?"
"I don't know, Mermaid. Hey, is it really true that there was a cheap JLA rip-off called the Super Friends on this Earth?"
"Yeah, but they got flushed out of our world for not meeting even minimal standards of character development, continuity and plot development. The Earths 0 and 1 Justice Leagues are profoundly embarrassed by them and refuse to discuss them in polite company apparently. They try to pretend they never existed." Princess Power explained.
"Rather like the Inf- er Superior Five, before they decamped off to Earth-9415?"
"Cliff?"
Mr Might's brow furrowed:
"The threat evaluation device has registered an incursion from that hideously disorganised realm of ephemeral alternate worlds that no-one else wants to acknowledge, the Dork Multiverse."
"Which one? And what an excellent way to change the subject, Cliff." Bat Woman asked
"Thanks, Vicky. Okay. The menace in question is from the bargain basement reality known as Earth-F, primarily because the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index's lower threshold couldn't measure just how improbable it really is and because the Multiverse Nomenclature Division was on strike that day. Lightswitch, you may or may not be too young, but does anyone else remember Bobby and Conrad the Plesiosaur, the Schlapfs, Manic Mouse and the Fieldstones?"
"So, not only are the 'elite' inhabitants of Earth-F derived from cheap and crappy properties, they're copies of those properties?" Lightswitch asked.
Mr Might looked uncomfortable: "Uh, I don't think we should pursue this particular line of dialogue for obvious, if ironic reasons." Mr Might hastily said.
"All right, so why are they invading our Earth?" Mermaid continued.
"Possibly because they regard it as less of a threat assessment than several more resilient targets?" Black Vulcan said, playing Beelzebub's Advocate.
"Huh. At least Plan 9 from Outer Space didn't actually happen on our Earth, unlike theirs."
And with that, battle was joined. It wasn't very long, given that the Earth-F hit and miss squad was too badly organised to fight together and their design and skill set was no match for the Freedom Brigade, which really says something about how awful they were. Mermaid spotted a construction anomaly in Conrad the Plesiosaur and got two very large blue whales along to pull at him. The 'plesiosaur' turned out to be nothing more than a giant sock, leaving the hand that symbolised Empty Is His Hand to make an extremely rude gesture at her. Frank Fieldstone was stopped by Princess Power using her submission lasoo, and relegated to a cheap creationist caveperson exhibit somewhere in the Southern United States. Manic Mouse was dealt with by Liberty Cat, Lady Liberty's hitherto unknown metafeline pet, who relished the extra snack. This left the Schlapfs.
"La la la la la la
We will overrun!!!
La la la la la la
You're nothing but scum!!!
La la la la la la
Do not resist us!!!
La la la la la
Or we'll grind you into dust!!!"
"Oh, great, just what we need. Evil Earth-3/Mirror universe versions of a certain highly annoying blue village of vaguely Belgian derived cartoon characters. Sorry, is it my imagination or is the quality of our villains way, way down on what it used to be?"
"Tyrannical tall type modern people!!! Accept the hegemony of the Schlapfs or we will overrun you and lay waste to this satellite."
Captain Swift rolled his eyes: "Oh, wow, what a major menace to life and limb you vertically challenged low-rez guys are. Hmmm, let's see. Okay, your chemical composition is cellulose, pulp, salt water, carbon, titanium dioxide, wax emulsion, formaldehyde, water glycol and azo pigments. This means that there could be several ways to dispose of you. And you don't qualify as either organic lifeforms or AIs in the FBUS Charter of Ethics, so we can really go to town."
"Oh, shit."
"Grampa Schlapf!!!" protested a scandalised Schlapfette. In the next moment, the Freedom Brigade deployed several highly original ways to dispose of their rather fragile opponents. Mermaid directed a highly concentrated shower of whale spoutage at them, which had inevitable consequences due to the cheap ink that had been used with their production. Captain Swift accelerated around them and they quickly reached 451 degrees Fahrenheit, or 233 degrees Celsius, at which point paper ignited, and so did several of the Schlapfts caught within it. Lightswitch wheeled out a paper shredder and Mr Might, Lady Liberty and Princess Power then fed the screaming Schlapfs into it. As the last wail diminished into silence, Mr Might observed:
"Okay, that's weird. Usually, we have a far longer outing with our arch nemesis, even given the crap alternate Earth these bozos came from."
"Unless... there's an ulterior cause behind this." Lady Liberty said, as an evil cackle made them turn.
"Ha ha ha ha!!! Yes, Freedom Brigade, it is I, your fearsome old opponent, Ma'avis Martler and her Solazis."
"Say what? Ain't she the daughter of that turkey Martler who got kicked off Earth-2 for being just too crap fer the fifties Superman comics?" Black Vulcan sagely remarked.
"My father was a Martian martyr! Martler the Martian martyr!!"
"No wonder you got rejected from Earth-2. That's a serious universe."
"Enough! I subdued Earth-F, now I shall take over Earth-12!"
"That's Earth-55. Are you using an outdated Multiverse Reader software option?" Captain Swift asked.
"You do realise that you were defeated by Orson Welles of Earth-2 last time as well as Superman?"
"Stop this ceaseless expository dialogue! I am ruler of one world, soon I shall take over two!!!"
"Uh huh. You do realise that we defeated your cellulose servitors under two minutes or so?"
"Was that gratuitous violence against the Schlapfs really necessary?"
"It's not for us to make value judgements about the wish-fulfilment fantasies of creative presences elsewhere in the multiverse. Mind you, we all hated those little purple buggers too. They were nauseatingly cute and finished every second word in Schlapf. Although I thought making them evil was an excellent touch, as was the fact that they had extremely little substance. You do realise that we can easily overcome you, Ma'avis?"
"Hah! Never! Forward, my Solazis. ...I said, forward, my Solazis. Hello? Solazis?"
"Look, if it's all the same to you, Madame Martler, we want to resettle on Mars-55."
"Well, anyway. You puny human males would never assault a female!"
Lady Liberty sighed: "Not again. Why do these supervillains have such antiquated ideas of sex roles?"
"What? You have females amongst your membership?!"
"What does she think this is, a Robert Kanigher Justice Society story or Silver Age JLA script?" Mermaid complained.
"I mean, it's bad enough coming from male supervillains, but Ma'avis is female." Lady Liberty agreed.
"I do feel the bond of sisterhood coming on."
"But I am also vaguely female. Surely this also applies to me?"
"Sorry, you get let off only if you manifest similar wokenness to the patriarchal bias of superhero comics orthodoxy."
"Look, can I help it if my Earth is hopelessly stuck in the fifties and has kitsch social values?"
"Not our problem. Altogether, now..."
And so, for the second time in as many Freedom Brigade episodes, metahuman feminism triumphed and Ma'avis Martler was propelled back through the interdimensional void to Earth-F, whereupon a highly convenient antimatter storm abruptly showed up due to a quantum vacuum phase transition and obliterated its entire universe, killing trillions. As the blinding white void closed in on her, Ma'avis Martler fumed about how unfairly high narrative expectations were in the twenty first century, before she ceased to exist altogether.
THE END
Of all the Earths in the infinite multiverse, this one has less reason to exist than any other, even the completely uninhabited ones where life never evolved. On this Earth, life does exist, but constructed along completely illogical and simplistic lines akin to bad American cartoon children's programming from the seventies and eighties. Due to the fact that interplanetary defence was mediocre and so were most military institutions and political leadership, the Martian dictator Martler and his Solazis then invaded the planet. In time, he bequeathed his ill-gotten dominion to his daughter Ma'avis Martler, but their universe was succumbing to the consequences of eighty years of bad plotting, characterisation and lackadaisical laws of physics. Desperately, Ma'avis Martler devised a cunning plan- which would endanger some of the more respectable Earths in the multiverse later, but in the interim period, the Solazis planned to send their not quite so awesome 'hit and miss squad' to what they considered a relatively more easy target... Earth-55, formerly Earth-12 (Pre-Crisis Notation), home to the Freedom Brigade of the United States and sundry others.
"Angel don't be discouraged
the Ape, he ain't so hard to understand
...the Ape was born in the zoo,
spent a lot of time in his cage;
his belly was hungry for bananas,
his mind for the works of Arthur Conan Doyle
SPOOOOOO!!!"
The Freedom Brigade applauded as one of Lightswitch's lightarangs took out the nuisance narratophage which had decided to emulate a sitcom featuring two other inhabitants of Earth-55's universe. Lady Liberty checked the Troubalert:
"Black Vulcan, dear, that was the fifteenth one this month."
"Hey, Lady L, I am not responsible for pest control. I think someone's breeding them and deliberately setting them loose in Earth orbit."
"But surely the filtration system...?"
"They're gettin' more cunning."
"Cunning? How can a sound blip and twee verbal content be 'cunning' with that little actual substance?"
"I don't know, Mermaid. Hey, is it really true that there was a cheap JLA rip-off called the Super Friends on this Earth?"
"Yeah, but they got flushed out of our world for not meeting even minimal standards of character development, continuity and plot development. The Earths 0 and 1 Justice Leagues are profoundly embarrassed by them and refuse to discuss them in polite company apparently. They try to pretend they never existed." Princess Power explained.
"Rather like the Inf- er Superior Five, before they decamped off to Earth-9415?"
"Cliff?"
Mr Might's brow furrowed:
"The threat evaluation device has registered an incursion from that hideously disorganised realm of ephemeral alternate worlds that no-one else wants to acknowledge, the Dork Multiverse."
"Which one? And what an excellent way to change the subject, Cliff." Bat Woman asked
"Thanks, Vicky. Okay. The menace in question is from the bargain basement reality known as Earth-F, primarily because the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Index's lower threshold couldn't measure just how improbable it really is and because the Multiverse Nomenclature Division was on strike that day. Lightswitch, you may or may not be too young, but does anyone else remember Bobby and Conrad the Plesiosaur, the Schlapfs, Manic Mouse and the Fieldstones?"
"So, not only are the 'elite' inhabitants of Earth-F derived from cheap and crappy properties, they're copies of those properties?" Lightswitch asked.
Mr Might looked uncomfortable: "Uh, I don't think we should pursue this particular line of dialogue for obvious, if ironic reasons." Mr Might hastily said.
"All right, so why are they invading our Earth?" Mermaid continued.
"Possibly because they regard it as less of a threat assessment than several more resilient targets?" Black Vulcan said, playing Beelzebub's Advocate.
"Huh. At least Plan 9 from Outer Space didn't actually happen on our Earth, unlike theirs."
And with that, battle was joined. It wasn't very long, given that the Earth-F hit and miss squad was too badly organised to fight together and their design and skill set was no match for the Freedom Brigade, which really says something about how awful they were. Mermaid spotted a construction anomaly in Conrad the Plesiosaur and got two very large blue whales along to pull at him. The 'plesiosaur' turned out to be nothing more than a giant sock, leaving the hand that symbolised Empty Is His Hand to make an extremely rude gesture at her. Frank Fieldstone was stopped by Princess Power using her submission lasoo, and relegated to a cheap creationist caveperson exhibit somewhere in the Southern United States. Manic Mouse was dealt with by Liberty Cat, Lady Liberty's hitherto unknown metafeline pet, who relished the extra snack. This left the Schlapfs.
"La la la la la la
We will overrun!!!
La la la la la la
You're nothing but scum!!!
La la la la la la
Do not resist us!!!
La la la la la
Or we'll grind you into dust!!!"
"Oh, great, just what we need. Evil Earth-3/Mirror universe versions of a certain highly annoying blue village of vaguely Belgian derived cartoon characters. Sorry, is it my imagination or is the quality of our villains way, way down on what it used to be?"
"Tyrannical tall type modern people!!! Accept the hegemony of the Schlapfs or we will overrun you and lay waste to this satellite."
Captain Swift rolled his eyes: "Oh, wow, what a major menace to life and limb you vertically challenged low-rez guys are. Hmmm, let's see. Okay, your chemical composition is cellulose, pulp, salt water, carbon, titanium dioxide, wax emulsion, formaldehyde, water glycol and azo pigments. This means that there could be several ways to dispose of you. And you don't qualify as either organic lifeforms or AIs in the FBUS Charter of Ethics, so we can really go to town."
"Oh, shit."
"Grampa Schlapf!!!" protested a scandalised Schlapfette. In the next moment, the Freedom Brigade deployed several highly original ways to dispose of their rather fragile opponents. Mermaid directed a highly concentrated shower of whale spoutage at them, which had inevitable consequences due to the cheap ink that had been used with their production. Captain Swift accelerated around them and they quickly reached 451 degrees Fahrenheit, or 233 degrees Celsius, at which point paper ignited, and so did several of the Schlapfts caught within it. Lightswitch wheeled out a paper shredder and Mr Might, Lady Liberty and Princess Power then fed the screaming Schlapfs into it. As the last wail diminished into silence, Mr Might observed:
"Okay, that's weird. Usually, we have a far longer outing with our arch nemesis, even given the crap alternate Earth these bozos came from."
"Unless... there's an ulterior cause behind this." Lady Liberty said, as an evil cackle made them turn.
"Ha ha ha ha!!! Yes, Freedom Brigade, it is I, your fearsome old opponent, Ma'avis Martler and her Solazis."
"Say what? Ain't she the daughter of that turkey Martler who got kicked off Earth-2 for being just too crap fer the fifties Superman comics?" Black Vulcan sagely remarked.
"My father was a Martian martyr! Martler the Martian martyr!!"
"No wonder you got rejected from Earth-2. That's a serious universe."
"Enough! I subdued Earth-F, now I shall take over Earth-12!"
"That's Earth-55. Are you using an outdated Multiverse Reader software option?" Captain Swift asked.
"You do realise that you were defeated by Orson Welles of Earth-2 last time as well as Superman?"
"Stop this ceaseless expository dialogue! I am ruler of one world, soon I shall take over two!!!"
"Uh huh. You do realise that we defeated your cellulose servitors under two minutes or so?"
"Was that gratuitous violence against the Schlapfs really necessary?"
"It's not for us to make value judgements about the wish-fulfilment fantasies of creative presences elsewhere in the multiverse. Mind you, we all hated those little purple buggers too. They were nauseatingly cute and finished every second word in Schlapf. Although I thought making them evil was an excellent touch, as was the fact that they had extremely little substance. You do realise that we can easily overcome you, Ma'avis?"
"Hah! Never! Forward, my Solazis. ...I said, forward, my Solazis. Hello? Solazis?"
"Look, if it's all the same to you, Madame Martler, we want to resettle on Mars-55."
"Well, anyway. You puny human males would never assault a female!"
Lady Liberty sighed: "Not again. Why do these supervillains have such antiquated ideas of sex roles?"
"What? You have females amongst your membership?!"
"What does she think this is, a Robert Kanigher Justice Society story or Silver Age JLA script?" Mermaid complained.
"I mean, it's bad enough coming from male supervillains, but Ma'avis is female." Lady Liberty agreed.
"I do feel the bond of sisterhood coming on."
"But I am also vaguely female. Surely this also applies to me?"
"Sorry, you get let off only if you manifest similar wokenness to the patriarchal bias of superhero comics orthodoxy."
"Look, can I help it if my Earth is hopelessly stuck in the fifties and has kitsch social values?"
"Not our problem. Altogether, now..."
And so, for the second time in as many Freedom Brigade episodes, metahuman feminism triumphed and Ma'avis Martler was propelled back through the interdimensional void to Earth-F, whereupon a highly convenient antimatter storm abruptly showed up due to a quantum vacuum phase transition and obliterated its entire universe, killing trillions. As the blinding white void closed in on her, Ma'avis Martler fumed about how unfairly high narrative expectations were in the twenty first century, before she ceased to exist altogether.
THE END