Post by redsycorax on Nov 9, 2018 21:58:42 GMT
Some time in the 1940s, Freedom Force, the predecessors of the Freedom Brigade- Dr Fey, Startleman, Dr Goodnite, the Splatter, the Itsim and Johnny Blunder...oh, and Princess Power... were seated around their round table, when suddenly they were interrupted by a bizarre intruder. One second the Golden Age Cash and Green Trashcan had been seated there and the next moment, a new and unprecedented figure was. The Itsim was the first to gasp:
"Oh no!!! Where have the Cash and Green Trashcan gone?!"
"Never mind that, why is there a blue naked pervert seated at the Freedom Force round table?" Startleman said.
"I am Dr Manspreader and I am from the future of an alternate Earth. On my world, there are many like me."
"What, blue naked exhibitionist perversion is commonplace there? Avert your eyes, Princess Power!!!" Startleman said paternalistically.
"No, I meant metahumans. In fact, there is a massive metahuman arms race which threatens to destroy our world. And it will happen here, too."
"Hang on, Dr Fey, the Splatter, Johnny Blunder, Hourlongman and Startleman are the only ones with such abilities within the Freedom Force. Oh, and Princess Power, too."
"Look, is that any excuse for Dr Manspreader here being a wanton blue nudist who violates public decency laws- awppp!!!" Startleman said, as a gag materialised around his mouth.
"It all started with your Freedom Force and so, I have taken on it to purge Green Trashcan and the Crash from that continuity so that the future may be saved."
"What? But how are we supposed to balance our books with the Fastest Buck Alive vanished into oblivion?" Princess Power asked.
"That's your problem."
"No, annoying forties scriptwriter sexism is my problem. I just have to insure that any building damage or injuries sustained to others gets financially ironed out." The Amazon Accountant pointed out.
"Look, you can't just arbitarily abolish two of our core membership, particularly with Mighty Boy and Capeman unavoidably detained elsewhere."
"Can I get a word in edgeways? Oh yes I can. I'm a megalomaniac godlike being from an alternate universe who can do anything they want. Including being naked if I so desire."
"At him, men! Oh, and Princess Power." Dr Fey and the Splatter tried to restrain Dr Manspreader using their thaumaturgic powers, but they were insufficient. Startleman unleashed his cosmic wand, which fizzled out embarrassingly.
"No wonder you have Freudian problems with my nudity." Doctor Manspreader said smugly.
Johnny Blunder uttered his magic word "I C U!" And abruptly, his fifth dimensional Blunderbuss arrived. It then scrutinised all of Doctor Manspreader's actual dimensions, went eep and got the plaid suited imp controller out of the brownstone in an extreme hurry. This left Hourlongman, who proved tiresomely susceptible to time distortion. As Dr Manspreader dematerialised, Princess Power sighed:
"Well, that was an inexplicable episode, even if he did have nice-"
Startleman screamed and fainted at the impending saucy dialogue:
"Damn Hay Hay Hay Code." Dr Fey said, only to have a Hay Hay Hay Comics Code sticker abruptly appear over his mouth.
"Mighty Boy! Oh thank goodness you're here! We've just been attacked by a blue nudist from the future." Hourlongman said
"Er, are you sure some of Dr Fey's magical chemicals and ingredients didn't inadvertantly "escape" from his flasks again?" replied the Boy of Yesterday's Tomorrow Today.
"He said that there'd be some sort of metahuman arms race and that we were to blame. Hmmph." Dr Fey had finally prised the comics code sticker off his mouth.
"Great satellites of Neon! Don't worry, I'll use my electron microscope vision to detect the path it took!"
And with that, Mighty Boy accelerated into the future. He felt a headache coming on, indicating there might be a Kryptonian, Argonian, Xenonian, Radonian, Helium or Onegassonean in the vicinity, and wondered why he suddenly saw some golden mooning going on. He gasped, fell out of the timestream and into a cryogenic unit. Lex Object, his Tinyville archnemesis, rubbed his hands in demonic glee and chortled: "Ha ha ha Mighty Boy!!! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha! At last you will pay for making me bald and hideously unattractive to anyone with a pulse!!!"
"Must you use that many exclamation marks, Lex? And frankly, isn't that a rather cockamamie reason for holding a grudge against me?"
[And Lex remembered that dark, dark day he'd been cast out of home. Juan Object had pointed to him, inexplicably clad in a purple fluorescent dressing gown and hypocritically demi-bald himself pointed at his hairless son as Arienne Object held Enla, their baby daughter, in her arms: "You have disgraced our family by being an evil nefarious balderastophiliac hairophobiac!!! You are no longer our son!!! We don't want anything to do with you!!! Even though I'm obviously bislaptual myself and therefore being a ridiculous hypocritical pompous twit!!! Now go!!!. Afterward, although hair restoration was commonplace by the seventies, Lex Object had to have some sort of totally unconvincing motivation for his villainies, so baldness it was, even though it could have easily been cured and he was supposed to be a supergenius, so go figure..]
"Look, this is the forties. What do you expect, psychological realism in characterisation?"
"Quit hogging the fourth wall. I'm trying to track down a mysterious intruder who attacked the Freedom Force, my justice protecting allies. This is no time for a gratuitous supervillain attack by a slaphead with body image issues."
"Oh, him. Doctor Manspreader. Actually, he's from an alternate universe somewhere else. Your rather thick Freedom Force offsiders got it mangled in the translation. Due to comic books about the adventures of much more effective metahumans elsewhere in the multiverse than here, he got stuck in a tachyon modulator in the sixties, helped end an Asian War, had a strained collegial relationship with a cheap hysteric insane clown antihero, had an existential spell elsewhere in the solar system angsting about whether or not to save humanity despite the fact that he was omniscient, until his girlfriend showed him up and talked him into it, and then failed to do anything when one of his own colleagues destroyed a major American city, apparently to offset a looming nuclear war."
"Look, will you not provide continuity details well ahead of my actual appearance? It's bloody annoying." Doctor Manspreader complained as he materialised to face Mighty Boy.
"I am Bar-Bel, son of Dum-Bel, most advanced scientist of the rather embarrassingly not destroyed planet of Neon. That was a dirty trick, dangling that Radonian in front of me while I was in timestream transit."
"You seem to have a rather copious list of 'one weaknesses.'"
"Not you as well. Anyway, you're not even from this space-time continuum, so what does it matter to you what happens to this stream of events?"
"Because I'm an arbitrary, pretentious godlike being from a continuity period where nihilistic existential angst is considered cool."
"Oh, hell. You're to blame for that forthcoming grim and gritty period during the eighties, aren't you? When Badman took steroids and spent that entire decade flexing and posing while blowing up most of Slotham City? Which I can't possibly know about, except through a continuity patch from the Legion of Super-Rejects."
"Right, I've had this. This is an absolutely ridiculous and totally useless alternate universe and serves no appreciable purpose. Certainly not entertainment value."
At that point, Mighty Boy broke his bonds and clobbered the incredibly annoying and facetious blue metahumanoid. All reality splintered and dissolved into chaos...even more so than was usually the case with Earth-55... and then reordered themselves.
The Golden Age Cash and Green Trashcan found themselves reseated at the Freedom Force Roundtable and Mighty Boy found himself taking Lex Object to jail. Dr Manspreader found himself barred from entering Earth-55's universe and meddling with its history for no good reason. Patriot and Green Canary were alive again, as was Badman, although still permanently estranged from Dirk Grierson. P.S. Peculiar wasn't, because he was far too old to begin with and the temporal realignment had its limits. Bowman was once more affiliated to the Freedom Brigade, as was his verdant spouse. Patriot and Lady Liberty were still married as if nothing had happened, because the tacky interlude with the Pachyderm City ambassador Elephantissima had conveniently erased. In other words, it was all an unconvincingly stagy major continuity revision reverting everything to the status quo ante bellum, much like the rest of the DC Greater Multiverse.
THE END
"Oh no!!! Where have the Cash and Green Trashcan gone?!"
"Never mind that, why is there a blue naked pervert seated at the Freedom Force round table?" Startleman said.
"I am Dr Manspreader and I am from the future of an alternate Earth. On my world, there are many like me."
"What, blue naked exhibitionist perversion is commonplace there? Avert your eyes, Princess Power!!!" Startleman said paternalistically.
"No, I meant metahumans. In fact, there is a massive metahuman arms race which threatens to destroy our world. And it will happen here, too."
"Hang on, Dr Fey, the Splatter, Johnny Blunder, Hourlongman and Startleman are the only ones with such abilities within the Freedom Force. Oh, and Princess Power, too."
"Look, is that any excuse for Dr Manspreader here being a wanton blue nudist who violates public decency laws- awppp!!!" Startleman said, as a gag materialised around his mouth.
"It all started with your Freedom Force and so, I have taken on it to purge Green Trashcan and the Crash from that continuity so that the future may be saved."
"What? But how are we supposed to balance our books with the Fastest Buck Alive vanished into oblivion?" Princess Power asked.
"That's your problem."
"No, annoying forties scriptwriter sexism is my problem. I just have to insure that any building damage or injuries sustained to others gets financially ironed out." The Amazon Accountant pointed out.
"Look, you can't just arbitarily abolish two of our core membership, particularly with Mighty Boy and Capeman unavoidably detained elsewhere."
"Can I get a word in edgeways? Oh yes I can. I'm a megalomaniac godlike being from an alternate universe who can do anything they want. Including being naked if I so desire."
"At him, men! Oh, and Princess Power." Dr Fey and the Splatter tried to restrain Dr Manspreader using their thaumaturgic powers, but they were insufficient. Startleman unleashed his cosmic wand, which fizzled out embarrassingly.
"No wonder you have Freudian problems with my nudity." Doctor Manspreader said smugly.
Johnny Blunder uttered his magic word "I C U!" And abruptly, his fifth dimensional Blunderbuss arrived. It then scrutinised all of Doctor Manspreader's actual dimensions, went eep and got the plaid suited imp controller out of the brownstone in an extreme hurry. This left Hourlongman, who proved tiresomely susceptible to time distortion. As Dr Manspreader dematerialised, Princess Power sighed:
"Well, that was an inexplicable episode, even if he did have nice-"
Startleman screamed and fainted at the impending saucy dialogue:
"Damn Hay Hay Hay Code." Dr Fey said, only to have a Hay Hay Hay Comics Code sticker abruptly appear over his mouth.
"Mighty Boy! Oh thank goodness you're here! We've just been attacked by a blue nudist from the future." Hourlongman said
"Er, are you sure some of Dr Fey's magical chemicals and ingredients didn't inadvertantly "escape" from his flasks again?" replied the Boy of Yesterday's Tomorrow Today.
"He said that there'd be some sort of metahuman arms race and that we were to blame. Hmmph." Dr Fey had finally prised the comics code sticker off his mouth.
"Great satellites of Neon! Don't worry, I'll use my electron microscope vision to detect the path it took!"
And with that, Mighty Boy accelerated into the future. He felt a headache coming on, indicating there might be a Kryptonian, Argonian, Xenonian, Radonian, Helium or Onegassonean in the vicinity, and wondered why he suddenly saw some golden mooning going on. He gasped, fell out of the timestream and into a cryogenic unit. Lex Object, his Tinyville archnemesis, rubbed his hands in demonic glee and chortled: "Ha ha ha Mighty Boy!!! Ha ha ha!! Ha ha! At last you will pay for making me bald and hideously unattractive to anyone with a pulse!!!"
"Must you use that many exclamation marks, Lex? And frankly, isn't that a rather cockamamie reason for holding a grudge against me?"
[And Lex remembered that dark, dark day he'd been cast out of home. Juan Object had pointed to him, inexplicably clad in a purple fluorescent dressing gown and hypocritically demi-bald himself pointed at his hairless son as Arienne Object held Enla, their baby daughter, in her arms: "You have disgraced our family by being an evil nefarious balderastophiliac hairophobiac!!! You are no longer our son!!! We don't want anything to do with you!!! Even though I'm obviously bislaptual myself and therefore being a ridiculous hypocritical pompous twit!!! Now go!!!. Afterward, although hair restoration was commonplace by the seventies, Lex Object had to have some sort of totally unconvincing motivation for his villainies, so baldness it was, even though it could have easily been cured and he was supposed to be a supergenius, so go figure..]
"Look, this is the forties. What do you expect, psychological realism in characterisation?"
"Quit hogging the fourth wall. I'm trying to track down a mysterious intruder who attacked the Freedom Force, my justice protecting allies. This is no time for a gratuitous supervillain attack by a slaphead with body image issues."
"Oh, him. Doctor Manspreader. Actually, he's from an alternate universe somewhere else. Your rather thick Freedom Force offsiders got it mangled in the translation. Due to comic books about the adventures of much more effective metahumans elsewhere in the multiverse than here, he got stuck in a tachyon modulator in the sixties, helped end an Asian War, had a strained collegial relationship with a cheap hysteric insane clown antihero, had an existential spell elsewhere in the solar system angsting about whether or not to save humanity despite the fact that he was omniscient, until his girlfriend showed him up and talked him into it, and then failed to do anything when one of his own colleagues destroyed a major American city, apparently to offset a looming nuclear war."
"Look, will you not provide continuity details well ahead of my actual appearance? It's bloody annoying." Doctor Manspreader complained as he materialised to face Mighty Boy.
"I am Bar-Bel, son of Dum-Bel, most advanced scientist of the rather embarrassingly not destroyed planet of Neon. That was a dirty trick, dangling that Radonian in front of me while I was in timestream transit."
"You seem to have a rather copious list of 'one weaknesses.'"
"Not you as well. Anyway, you're not even from this space-time continuum, so what does it matter to you what happens to this stream of events?"
"Because I'm an arbitrary, pretentious godlike being from a continuity period where nihilistic existential angst is considered cool."
"Oh, hell. You're to blame for that forthcoming grim and gritty period during the eighties, aren't you? When Badman took steroids and spent that entire decade flexing and posing while blowing up most of Slotham City? Which I can't possibly know about, except through a continuity patch from the Legion of Super-Rejects."
"Right, I've had this. This is an absolutely ridiculous and totally useless alternate universe and serves no appreciable purpose. Certainly not entertainment value."
At that point, Mighty Boy broke his bonds and clobbered the incredibly annoying and facetious blue metahumanoid. All reality splintered and dissolved into chaos...even more so than was usually the case with Earth-55... and then reordered themselves.
The Golden Age Cash and Green Trashcan found themselves reseated at the Freedom Force Roundtable and Mighty Boy found himself taking Lex Object to jail. Dr Manspreader found himself barred from entering Earth-55's universe and meddling with its history for no good reason. Patriot and Green Canary were alive again, as was Badman, although still permanently estranged from Dirk Grierson. P.S. Peculiar wasn't, because he was far too old to begin with and the temporal realignment had its limits. Bowman was once more affiliated to the Freedom Brigade, as was his verdant spouse. Patriot and Lady Liberty were still married as if nothing had happened, because the tacky interlude with the Pachyderm City ambassador Elephantissima had conveniently erased. In other words, it was all an unconvincingly stagy major continuity revision reverting everything to the status quo ante bellum, much like the rest of the DC Greater Multiverse.
THE END