Post by redsycorax on Jan 4, 2019 21:30:29 GMT
Batqueen,Batqueen
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Where'd you get that tiara from, and why does it go wrong?
Why do you hang around with that clone, we really want to know?
Batqueen, Batqueen
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Why is your outfit an utter aesthetic disgrace?
Why does that clone have such a bushy moustache?
Yaaa, is DC sueing?
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Yaaa, Is DC sueing?
Batqueen!!!
"Oh, good grief! Where'd that tacky theme music come from?"
"And why the pointed references to me, for that matter?" Guido, the fortymumblemumble clone sniffed.
"Possibly the composer isn't very good at her or his job."
"Still, it does make a good point about you and the bat tiara."
"Incidentally, you do realise that this is supposed to be about our allies the Freedom Brigade, don't you?"
"No, this is just a padding backup story while they retool for 2019."
"Guido, we aren't pursuing The Thatcher this time. No, this is an exploratory probe into our world, our life and times!!!"
1. ORIGIN
"Mother! Father! T-they've been killed by polyester stupidity fleas on that fundamentalist preacher!!! No!!! Oh, I shall be traumatised for the rest of my life."
2. INSPIRATION FOR THE OUTFIT:
"Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot. I must adopt a motif that terrifies the hell out of people, but what! What? What???"
At that point, several terrified people ran past screaming, away from an irate Phyllis Diller female impersonator wielding a cutthroat stiletto heel:
"That's it! I shall become a drag queen and a ghastly old bat!!!"
3. THE ORIGIN OF GUIDO THE CLONE WONDER:
"Oh no!!! Bear hunters have carted away all the talent in my bar!!! I'm all alone in this scene!"
"Worry not, middle-aged clone fellow! I was deprived of my social network too, so I adopted this crusade against evilness and put downs of campness! I am Batqueen!"
"You're not my type, sorry."
"No, I meant my completely non-sexual partner. Here, put on these tight speedos and short sleeved outfit, as well as those dainty slippers! There! You shall be Guido, the Clone Wonder!!"
"Does my bum look big in these shorts?"
"Absolutely not, my pert-arsed companion..."
"Why do I suspect I'm going to regret this?"
4. TRADUCEMENT OF THE IDIOTS:
"Who is this Stanley Warthog guy and why does he see fit to slander us in this book, Traducement of the Idiots?"
"Batqueen and Guido the Clone Wonder live in a fantasy gay DIY home improvement disaster, where Guido parades around in his tight shorts for Batqueen's viewing pleasure and to take Batqueen's mind off that bloody awful interior decor. Added to which, how can Batqueen have possibly adopted Guido when Guido is about twenty years older than he is? And that outfit! Why is Batqueen so crap at throwing that tiara of his at villains? Why is he so obsessed with making dated cutting references to Margaret Thatcher when she's been dead for five years? Doesn't he have any other members in his rogues gallery that could be enlisted, and not cheap Superfriends ripoffs like the ones that the Freedom Brigade faces?"
"Hey!!!" Mermaid called from Earth-55, making a cameo in this episode.
"He does have one good point, Batqueen. I've been wearing these shorts for the last twenty-nine years and frankly, I'm starting to chafe down there."
"The time has come for you to collect your pension, Guido. You must give way to Guido II."
"Er, you do realise that I am a clone for a reason, don't you, Batqueen?"
"Oh. Oh, of course, how remiss of me. I'll just call up Detroit and order a new one."
5. THE OTHER ROGUES GALLERY VILLAINS:
"Ha ha yes, Batqueen and Guido, I shall sink Europe!"
"You villainous fiend, Niggler! That will kill hundreds of millions! Camembert, croissants, French maids outfits, the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, and French philosophy will all become memories. Hmm. On the other hand..."
Guido slapped Batqueen: "This is no time to turn Euroseptic, Batqueen. Use your tiara on him before he goes too far. No, on second thought, let me resort to the Guidocycle and do it instead. Honestly, do I get paid enough for this? I'm carrying this Dysfunctional Double-Act." Meanwhile, while the twosome were squabbling, the Niggler had indeed caused the subcontinent to capsize...
The Dysfunctional Double-Act found that Niggler wasn't working alone. Or was he? It was difficult to tell, given the distinctly competitive edge that their other rogues gallery frontliner, Blondeman, had toward the other two occupants. Blondeman was a rival of the Thatcher for the leadership of the Cultservative PredaTory and loathed her intensely. The two of them wouldn't appear in the same headquarters and attempts to broker compromise between them had gone hopelessly awry. As well as that, Blondeman also liked Europe, which alienated him from the Niggler, who was suffering from a severe case of Eurosepsis. In any case, Blondeman's cunning plans always fell through, so they let the Lunnyn Metropolice arrest him when his escape helicopter failed to become operational. Meanwhile, the Niggler was suffering from a bad case of ennui and purposelessness, having killed off the Eurobloc as he'd always fantasised. He realised darkly that now he knew what one-note supervillains like the Prankster, Toyman and Egghead felt like without their primary motivation.
There were attempts to launch another rogues gallery supervillain, Slaphead, who was based on Yeg Phu-Sothoth, but he was unfortunate enough to plagiarise Lex Luthor's former baldness motivation for turning evil, and got hit with a restraining order from Earth-21. He got annoyed and stopped being nefarious as a result.
6. THE OTHER GUIDOS:
With Guido I in retirement, the other Guidos proved to be no better. Guido II ended up inadvertantly buried in a mine, which the Thatcher then closed without consideration for the consequences. Guido III experienced an ambiguous death but then got resurrected again. Then he developed amnesia, shaved off his moustache and became completely invisible. Batqueen ultimately found him dressed horribly in an overlapped shirt in flares and platform shoes, dancing horribly to rewinded Abba. At point, someone dug up Guido II, who redesignated himself Green Guido and went off crimefighting himself in Bladderhaven. Guido III was meanwhile diagnosed with incurable Funkydudeitis and got reassigned to protective custody in a Seventies Fashion Maximum Security Centre where people could regurgitate the aberrant cultural norms and aesthetic ghastliness of that decade to their hearts content. Guido Dicetti (Guido I) had meanwhile made a fortune on his Batqueen memoirs and comfortably retired to Ibiza.
7. GLEEP: THE GROOVY LEAGUE OF EARTH PLANET:
Inevitably, as this is a DC parody universe, there inevitably has to be a horde of tacky, ripoff, bowdlerised cheap Justice League impersonators lurking somewhere, but this isn't the Freedom Brigade's universe, so there had to be another one devised. And so it was that Batqueen encounterd his old comrades within the Groovy League of Earth Planet (GLEEP).
"No, that's the Global Law Enforcement Echelon Project. Get it right!" Batqueen scolded.
Anyhow. Gathered together from the comic retches of the universe are the galaxy's grossest superbeings. Batqueen and Guido! Funky Superman!! Morris the Duck!!! Polka Dot Lantern!!!! Mrglftnk the Zrfffian Manhunter!!!! All gathered together to secure truth, justice, merchandising opportunites, lucrative television series contracts, to uphold good and promote virtue!!!!!
"I bring this GLEEP meeting to order."
"Can I have an anchovy pizza?" Mrglftnk the Zrfffian Manhunter asked
"Foodbreak in fifteen minutes. My friends, we face a terrible dilemma. As you are aware, our last movie, GLEEP Goes Insane on Mescalin, went dead as a dodo at the box office. Given that media spin-offs are the key to our operational funding, we're going to have to introduce cutbacks if this continues. Batqueen?"
"I could be prevailed upon to do another movie, given how successful mine are."
"Funky Superman."
"I don't see why we're so het up about the bread angle, mannnn."
"Speaking as a Duck, I think we should have a crossover with an alternate universe. Preferably Earth 222, where I come from." Morris expostulated.
"Why is a giant talking duck part of our organisation, anyway?" Polka Dot Lantern said, trying to ignore the fact that Morris wasn't wearing any trousers.
"Why shouldn't DC have one of its own?"
"Uh, Earth-26?"
"No, that's more of a generic talking animal alternate Earth. Earth-222 has ducks as its dominant lifeform."
"Ahem. Excuse me, I'm the title character here and team leader. Team, we face a hideous menace."
"Not the Phu'uddd from my home Earth?"
"Morris, please. No, I refer to Kanjar Mello."
"Wow, mann. You mean the sentient marshmallow is on the rampage aggggain? Up, up and wherever!!!" Unfortunately, Funky Superman had smoked far too many Kryptonian Red Joy Weed cigarettes before attending the meeting and he forgot to use the airlock. Mrglftnk undid the damage:
"Sorry. I was a member of the first incarnation of GLEEP when we met Kanjar Mello beforehand. Superman was less Funkier back then, and we had a lot more members. Anyhow, enough expository dialogue. Ah, there's Krypty the Supercat back with Funky Superman."
"I refuse to participate any further in this adventure. I'm sorry, but a confectionary version of the Silver Age JLA villain Kanjar Ro is just utterly ridiculous. I'm off to confront some more serious supervillains like Minestrone, the Zebra-Striped Evil Lantern."
"Guido, could you bring up the flamethrower from the Queencave?"
"Do we have the right to kill sentient alien confectionary merely because we disapprove of its moral code?"
"I wasn't talking about Kanjar Mello, Morris..."
8. ON HIS OWN:
As they sat eating the duck l'orange that had resulted from the last vignette, Batqueen rubbed his chin and then baulked at the resignation letter from Guido:
"Guido?! How could you?"
"For the very simple reason that the other two Guidos didn't work out and I got recalled from Ibiza. Sorry, I've had it. Having me stick my fist repeatedly into what remained of Morris the Duck was the last straw of all."
"He was dead and you were stuffing him."
"Then why did he sound as if he was enjoying it?"
"Oh no. It's another bloody continuity glitch, isn't it? Morris isn't really dead, this is his evil dopplegangduck from Earth -222 in the Duck Multiverse and he's actually in the Spectral Zone!"
"WAAAKKK!!!" said Morris as he rematerialised.
"Wow, dude, heaviness..." meandered Funky Superman
"Guido's not the only one who's quitting. You're eating a sentient canardoid, no matter if he was my evil alternate universe twin. I cannot live with that. And stop gesturing menacingly at me with those extra oranges."
With that, Morris resigned, leaving only Funky Superman and Krypty in the GLEEP satellite.
"Sorry dude, I just remembered it's time for me to return to Groovytropolis and be a reporter guy for the Groovy Planet."
"Are you saying GLEEP has ceased to exist? But who will save the Earth from hostile menaces now?"
9. CONSCIENCE STRIKES
"Oh no... I..I... ate a sentient duckoid!!! How could I? What came over me?! I call myself a crime fighter...but..."
"Gordon Bennett." Guido fumed, still around despite having supposedly resigned in the last vignette,"this is nothing but padding in order to complete the Ten Labours of Batqueen, isn't it? Any moment now, you'll dress in a rainbow outfit and ask me if your bum looks big in that?"
"No, haven't we already done that?"
"Gasp!!! Who's that muscular heroic lesbian version of you?"
"This whole story arc is suffering from a profound gender imbalance. I am Batdyke, aka Klaudia Krane. Your cousin, Royce."
"How did you know I was Royce Twine, Batdyke?"
"Because I'm your intellectual equal, only more technically adept and better on a motorbike."
"Hang on, aren't you actually Mo from Alison Bechdel's Dykes to Watch Out For?"
"It's on 'hiatus' according to her, so I'm moonlighting over here instead. Well spotted, Guido."
"Can I be your partner instead of his?"
"Sorry, I'm a solo Darknight Dyke."
"Pity. You're a far more convincing superhero than he is."
"Never mind, Guido. We can still have team ups and crossovers."
"I've decided not to be Guido any longer. For one thing, those speedos of mine are so badly eroded, they've turned into a menace to public morality. Call me... Lavendar Tornado!!!"
"But you don't have any superpowers, Gu- er, Lav..."
"Nope, I was struck by a lavendar lightning bolt which mysteriously turns me into a tastefully dressed magical superhero who wears long trousers vaguely analogous to Captain Marvel. Finally, I get my own career. So long, Batqueen. Let's make a date for our next team up, Batdyke."
"Nice outfit, Lavendar Tornado..."
"Thanks. How about Slotham City next February?"
10. THE TERROR OF THE BATQUEEN WHO CUTS EXPENDITURE:
"Gasp! Why, you're a corrupted alternate universe fusion of me and my arch-nemesis The Thatcher!"
"Bwahahahaha!!! Yes, Batqueen, in my Britain, I was possessed by the same eldritch market forces that gave the Thatcher her contempt for society, and anything other than her indomitable will as she slashed public expenditure and put lame ducks and moaning Minnies to the sword, garotte or rack!!! I am more than a match for you!!!"
"I defeated the Thatcher on my Earth and I will do so to you as well. Look, she's been dead for the last seven years on the Earths that she didn't destroy after provoking nuclear war with Russia. Give it a rest. I know she's a Halloween figure in Wales and South Yorkshire and the subject of considerable horror movies, but this particular trope isn't even remotely funny anymore and this is supposed to be a humorous story thread."
"Never! There is no alternative! This lady isn't for turning, unless motivated to do so by satanic monetarist entities."
"Look, stop trying to unnecessarily prolong this. This is about ten laborious vignettes and this is perilously close to a full-scale narrative."
"Forget it, Batqueen. I read the previous sections. Given the ridiculously complicated Guido subplot, there'll be no hope for rescue for you. Awwk!!! What have you done! Oh no!!! Das Kapital!!! Ahhhh!!! I cannot stand the power of the hammer and sickle! Ahhhhh!!!! Socialism!!! No!!!! It burns! It burns!! I'm combusting!!!" And with that unearthly screech, the Batqueen Who Cuts Expenditure was herself deleted from existence.
11. HANG ON, THERE ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE TEN OF THESE:
"Great! I can head off and have a crossover with the Freedom Brigade."
12.OH NO YOU DON'T. WATCH THIS PANEL:
"Don't go near that Save key! Don't even think about it!"
13. TOO LATE. THIS STORY IS OVER:
"b u t . "
THE END
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Where'd you get that tiara from, and why does it go wrong?
Why do you hang around with that clone, we really want to know?
Batqueen, Batqueen
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Why is your outfit an utter aesthetic disgrace?
Why does that clone have such a bushy moustache?
Yaaa, is DC sueing?
Batqueen, Batqueen!!!
Yaaa, Is DC sueing?
Batqueen!!!
"Oh, good grief! Where'd that tacky theme music come from?"
"And why the pointed references to me, for that matter?" Guido, the fortymumblemumble clone sniffed.
"Possibly the composer isn't very good at her or his job."
"Still, it does make a good point about you and the bat tiara."
"Incidentally, you do realise that this is supposed to be about our allies the Freedom Brigade, don't you?"
"No, this is just a padding backup story while they retool for 2019."
"Guido, we aren't pursuing The Thatcher this time. No, this is an exploratory probe into our world, our life and times!!!"
1. ORIGIN
"Mother! Father! T-they've been killed by polyester stupidity fleas on that fundamentalist preacher!!! No!!! Oh, I shall be traumatised for the rest of my life."
2. INSPIRATION FOR THE OUTFIT:
"Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot. I must adopt a motif that terrifies the hell out of people, but what! What? What???"
At that point, several terrified people ran past screaming, away from an irate Phyllis Diller female impersonator wielding a cutthroat stiletto heel:
"That's it! I shall become a drag queen and a ghastly old bat!!!"
3. THE ORIGIN OF GUIDO THE CLONE WONDER:
"Oh no!!! Bear hunters have carted away all the talent in my bar!!! I'm all alone in this scene!"
"Worry not, middle-aged clone fellow! I was deprived of my social network too, so I adopted this crusade against evilness and put downs of campness! I am Batqueen!"
"You're not my type, sorry."
"No, I meant my completely non-sexual partner. Here, put on these tight speedos and short sleeved outfit, as well as those dainty slippers! There! You shall be Guido, the Clone Wonder!!"
"Does my bum look big in these shorts?"
"Absolutely not, my pert-arsed companion..."
"Why do I suspect I'm going to regret this?"
4. TRADUCEMENT OF THE IDIOTS:
"Who is this Stanley Warthog guy and why does he see fit to slander us in this book, Traducement of the Idiots?"
"Batqueen and Guido the Clone Wonder live in a fantasy gay DIY home improvement disaster, where Guido parades around in his tight shorts for Batqueen's viewing pleasure and to take Batqueen's mind off that bloody awful interior decor. Added to which, how can Batqueen have possibly adopted Guido when Guido is about twenty years older than he is? And that outfit! Why is Batqueen so crap at throwing that tiara of his at villains? Why is he so obsessed with making dated cutting references to Margaret Thatcher when she's been dead for five years? Doesn't he have any other members in his rogues gallery that could be enlisted, and not cheap Superfriends ripoffs like the ones that the Freedom Brigade faces?"
"Hey!!!" Mermaid called from Earth-55, making a cameo in this episode.
"He does have one good point, Batqueen. I've been wearing these shorts for the last twenty-nine years and frankly, I'm starting to chafe down there."
"The time has come for you to collect your pension, Guido. You must give way to Guido II."
"Er, you do realise that I am a clone for a reason, don't you, Batqueen?"
"Oh. Oh, of course, how remiss of me. I'll just call up Detroit and order a new one."
5. THE OTHER ROGUES GALLERY VILLAINS:
"Ha ha yes, Batqueen and Guido, I shall sink Europe!"
"You villainous fiend, Niggler! That will kill hundreds of millions! Camembert, croissants, French maids outfits, the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, and French philosophy will all become memories. Hmm. On the other hand..."
Guido slapped Batqueen: "This is no time to turn Euroseptic, Batqueen. Use your tiara on him before he goes too far. No, on second thought, let me resort to the Guidocycle and do it instead. Honestly, do I get paid enough for this? I'm carrying this Dysfunctional Double-Act." Meanwhile, while the twosome were squabbling, the Niggler had indeed caused the subcontinent to capsize...
The Dysfunctional Double-Act found that Niggler wasn't working alone. Or was he? It was difficult to tell, given the distinctly competitive edge that their other rogues gallery frontliner, Blondeman, had toward the other two occupants. Blondeman was a rival of the Thatcher for the leadership of the Cultservative PredaTory and loathed her intensely. The two of them wouldn't appear in the same headquarters and attempts to broker compromise between them had gone hopelessly awry. As well as that, Blondeman also liked Europe, which alienated him from the Niggler, who was suffering from a severe case of Eurosepsis. In any case, Blondeman's cunning plans always fell through, so they let the Lunnyn Metropolice arrest him when his escape helicopter failed to become operational. Meanwhile, the Niggler was suffering from a bad case of ennui and purposelessness, having killed off the Eurobloc as he'd always fantasised. He realised darkly that now he knew what one-note supervillains like the Prankster, Toyman and Egghead felt like without their primary motivation.
There were attempts to launch another rogues gallery supervillain, Slaphead, who was based on Yeg Phu-Sothoth, but he was unfortunate enough to plagiarise Lex Luthor's former baldness motivation for turning evil, and got hit with a restraining order from Earth-21. He got annoyed and stopped being nefarious as a result.
6. THE OTHER GUIDOS:
With Guido I in retirement, the other Guidos proved to be no better. Guido II ended up inadvertantly buried in a mine, which the Thatcher then closed without consideration for the consequences. Guido III experienced an ambiguous death but then got resurrected again. Then he developed amnesia, shaved off his moustache and became completely invisible. Batqueen ultimately found him dressed horribly in an overlapped shirt in flares and platform shoes, dancing horribly to rewinded Abba. At point, someone dug up Guido II, who redesignated himself Green Guido and went off crimefighting himself in Bladderhaven. Guido III was meanwhile diagnosed with incurable Funkydudeitis and got reassigned to protective custody in a Seventies Fashion Maximum Security Centre where people could regurgitate the aberrant cultural norms and aesthetic ghastliness of that decade to their hearts content. Guido Dicetti (Guido I) had meanwhile made a fortune on his Batqueen memoirs and comfortably retired to Ibiza.
7. GLEEP: THE GROOVY LEAGUE OF EARTH PLANET:
Inevitably, as this is a DC parody universe, there inevitably has to be a horde of tacky, ripoff, bowdlerised cheap Justice League impersonators lurking somewhere, but this isn't the Freedom Brigade's universe, so there had to be another one devised. And so it was that Batqueen encounterd his old comrades within the Groovy League of Earth Planet (GLEEP).
"No, that's the Global Law Enforcement Echelon Project. Get it right!" Batqueen scolded.
Anyhow. Gathered together from the comic retches of the universe are the galaxy's grossest superbeings. Batqueen and Guido! Funky Superman!! Morris the Duck!!! Polka Dot Lantern!!!! Mrglftnk the Zrfffian Manhunter!!!! All gathered together to secure truth, justice, merchandising opportunites, lucrative television series contracts, to uphold good and promote virtue!!!!!
"I bring this GLEEP meeting to order."
"Can I have an anchovy pizza?" Mrglftnk the Zrfffian Manhunter asked
"Foodbreak in fifteen minutes. My friends, we face a terrible dilemma. As you are aware, our last movie, GLEEP Goes Insane on Mescalin, went dead as a dodo at the box office. Given that media spin-offs are the key to our operational funding, we're going to have to introduce cutbacks if this continues. Batqueen?"
"I could be prevailed upon to do another movie, given how successful mine are."
"Funky Superman."
"I don't see why we're so het up about the bread angle, mannnn."
"Speaking as a Duck, I think we should have a crossover with an alternate universe. Preferably Earth 222, where I come from." Morris expostulated.
"Why is a giant talking duck part of our organisation, anyway?" Polka Dot Lantern said, trying to ignore the fact that Morris wasn't wearing any trousers.
"Why shouldn't DC have one of its own?"
"Uh, Earth-26?"
"No, that's more of a generic talking animal alternate Earth. Earth-222 has ducks as its dominant lifeform."
"Ahem. Excuse me, I'm the title character here and team leader. Team, we face a hideous menace."
"Not the Phu'uddd from my home Earth?"
"Morris, please. No, I refer to Kanjar Mello."
"Wow, mann. You mean the sentient marshmallow is on the rampage aggggain? Up, up and wherever!!!" Unfortunately, Funky Superman had smoked far too many Kryptonian Red Joy Weed cigarettes before attending the meeting and he forgot to use the airlock. Mrglftnk undid the damage:
"Sorry. I was a member of the first incarnation of GLEEP when we met Kanjar Mello beforehand. Superman was less Funkier back then, and we had a lot more members. Anyhow, enough expository dialogue. Ah, there's Krypty the Supercat back with Funky Superman."
"I refuse to participate any further in this adventure. I'm sorry, but a confectionary version of the Silver Age JLA villain Kanjar Ro is just utterly ridiculous. I'm off to confront some more serious supervillains like Minestrone, the Zebra-Striped Evil Lantern."
"Guido, could you bring up the flamethrower from the Queencave?"
"Do we have the right to kill sentient alien confectionary merely because we disapprove of its moral code?"
"I wasn't talking about Kanjar Mello, Morris..."
8. ON HIS OWN:
As they sat eating the duck l'orange that had resulted from the last vignette, Batqueen rubbed his chin and then baulked at the resignation letter from Guido:
"Guido?! How could you?"
"For the very simple reason that the other two Guidos didn't work out and I got recalled from Ibiza. Sorry, I've had it. Having me stick my fist repeatedly into what remained of Morris the Duck was the last straw of all."
"He was dead and you were stuffing him."
"Then why did he sound as if he was enjoying it?"
"Oh no. It's another bloody continuity glitch, isn't it? Morris isn't really dead, this is his evil dopplegangduck from Earth -222 in the Duck Multiverse and he's actually in the Spectral Zone!"
"WAAAKKK!!!" said Morris as he rematerialised.
"Wow, dude, heaviness..." meandered Funky Superman
"Guido's not the only one who's quitting. You're eating a sentient canardoid, no matter if he was my evil alternate universe twin. I cannot live with that. And stop gesturing menacingly at me with those extra oranges."
With that, Morris resigned, leaving only Funky Superman and Krypty in the GLEEP satellite.
"Sorry dude, I just remembered it's time for me to return to Groovytropolis and be a reporter guy for the Groovy Planet."
"Are you saying GLEEP has ceased to exist? But who will save the Earth from hostile menaces now?"
9. CONSCIENCE STRIKES
"Oh no... I..I... ate a sentient duckoid!!! How could I? What came over me?! I call myself a crime fighter...but..."
"Gordon Bennett." Guido fumed, still around despite having supposedly resigned in the last vignette,"this is nothing but padding in order to complete the Ten Labours of Batqueen, isn't it? Any moment now, you'll dress in a rainbow outfit and ask me if your bum looks big in that?"
"No, haven't we already done that?"
"Gasp!!! Who's that muscular heroic lesbian version of you?"
"This whole story arc is suffering from a profound gender imbalance. I am Batdyke, aka Klaudia Krane. Your cousin, Royce."
"How did you know I was Royce Twine, Batdyke?"
"Because I'm your intellectual equal, only more technically adept and better on a motorbike."
"Hang on, aren't you actually Mo from Alison Bechdel's Dykes to Watch Out For?"
"It's on 'hiatus' according to her, so I'm moonlighting over here instead. Well spotted, Guido."
"Can I be your partner instead of his?"
"Sorry, I'm a solo Darknight Dyke."
"Pity. You're a far more convincing superhero than he is."
"Never mind, Guido. We can still have team ups and crossovers."
"I've decided not to be Guido any longer. For one thing, those speedos of mine are so badly eroded, they've turned into a menace to public morality. Call me... Lavendar Tornado!!!"
"But you don't have any superpowers, Gu- er, Lav..."
"Nope, I was struck by a lavendar lightning bolt which mysteriously turns me into a tastefully dressed magical superhero who wears long trousers vaguely analogous to Captain Marvel. Finally, I get my own career. So long, Batqueen. Let's make a date for our next team up, Batdyke."
"Nice outfit, Lavendar Tornado..."
"Thanks. How about Slotham City next February?"
10. THE TERROR OF THE BATQUEEN WHO CUTS EXPENDITURE:
"Gasp! Why, you're a corrupted alternate universe fusion of me and my arch-nemesis The Thatcher!"
"Bwahahahaha!!! Yes, Batqueen, in my Britain, I was possessed by the same eldritch market forces that gave the Thatcher her contempt for society, and anything other than her indomitable will as she slashed public expenditure and put lame ducks and moaning Minnies to the sword, garotte or rack!!! I am more than a match for you!!!"
"I defeated the Thatcher on my Earth and I will do so to you as well. Look, she's been dead for the last seven years on the Earths that she didn't destroy after provoking nuclear war with Russia. Give it a rest. I know she's a Halloween figure in Wales and South Yorkshire and the subject of considerable horror movies, but this particular trope isn't even remotely funny anymore and this is supposed to be a humorous story thread."
"Never! There is no alternative! This lady isn't for turning, unless motivated to do so by satanic monetarist entities."
"Look, stop trying to unnecessarily prolong this. This is about ten laborious vignettes and this is perilously close to a full-scale narrative."
"Forget it, Batqueen. I read the previous sections. Given the ridiculously complicated Guido subplot, there'll be no hope for rescue for you. Awwk!!! What have you done! Oh no!!! Das Kapital!!! Ahhhh!!! I cannot stand the power of the hammer and sickle! Ahhhhh!!!! Socialism!!! No!!!! It burns! It burns!! I'm combusting!!!" And with that unearthly screech, the Batqueen Who Cuts Expenditure was herself deleted from existence.
11. HANG ON, THERE ARE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE TEN OF THESE:
"Great! I can head off and have a crossover with the Freedom Brigade."
12.OH NO YOU DON'T. WATCH THIS PANEL:
"Don't go near that Save key! Don't even think about it!"
13. TOO LATE. THIS STORY IS OVER:
"b u t . "
THE END