Post by redsycorax on Sept 22, 2020 2:38:55 GMT
Because this wretched Time-Space Visualiser isn't working properly, I'm only getting reception from Earth-9767 at the moment. You remember, it's the one where all of the Adventures of Jerry Lewis comics were real, Lewis himself is still alive in 2020, his annoying subteen nephew Renfrew grew up and became an equally annoying stockbroker in New York, he still uses his old Ratman secret identity and, assisted by his romantic interests Witch Kraft and Brawnhilda, fights a never-amusing battle for skits, satire and the comedian way!!! All right, who let the exclamation marks loose? !!! Damn. Some have escaped from the Superman Vs the NoirQuik Bunny story and they've bred. Someone hand me a mallet. !!! EEK !!! SQUELCH. ! SQUISH. There, that gets rid of them. Now, as I was saying, there is much of Earth-9767 that can be derived from just lazy inertia and rejection of any substantial characterisation shift or continuity. Like some of the other 'humorous' alternate Earths, alternate versions of particularly embarassing one-note characters end up on them- like the public domain Corpulent Crimefighter Fatman and his suddenly acquired teenage assistant Bobbin in the case of Earth-1201, Crimebuster's embarrassingly gendered opponent He-She on Earth-4611 Skidoo, and as you can note from the title, a cheap rip-off identical copy of the Beatles from a particularly weird Batman adventure
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Yukio NoNo, the evil terrorist wife of ex- Oliver Twister Tom Glennan, was cleaning her AK-47 machine gun in the kitchen. Yukio had had a troubled childhood, given attempts by the Japanese Propriety Army to erase her from existence because a precognitive associated with the puritanical terrorist cell had predicted she would become a highly pretentious mediocre artist. However, the bombing attempts had all failed to get rid of her and out of pure spite and malice, Yukio malevolently decided to split up the Oliver Twisters and exploit Tom Glennan to sell her hackneyed, awful art works. When Ratman and Rotten, the Boy Encumberance, beat her to it in an unrecorded January 1970 adventure which got left out of the Adventures of Jerry Lewis comics because it was just too damned embarrassing, the enraged artist manque transformed herself into the art-themed supervillain "Rubber Yukio.' Throughout the seventies, she left a trail of petty larceny and unaesthetic awfulness in her wake, aided and abetted by her embittered husband Tom Glennan. The curdled couple perpetrated such kitsch abominations as "Beds for Bombs", and her infamous installation piece "A Grotty Slab of Cardboard", and hid from apprehension by Ratman using "Bag Outs", which involved simply hiding in large paper bags. Thereafter, she founded her Rubber Yukio Gang, which tortured New Yorkers with displays of awful, indecipherable atonal gibberish "songs" in order to coerce them into giving them money. Despite their ardent habit of intoning enthusiastically pro-war songs, Earth-9767 was actually a peaceful place and even post-communists were admired for their kitsch , cheap and shoddy products beased on the personality cults of Mao, Stalin and the Kim dysentery in East Korea. Shortly after their deaths, Russia, China and East Korea had all abandoned communism and flooded the west with badly designed kitsch merchandise featuring their deceased iconic leadership. At one point, Rubber Yukio's hand fell off during a predatory sing-in at the Fourteenth Municipal Bank of Queens. To obtain money for prosthetic surgery, Tom Glennan hatched a plan with his murderous hack wife.
The underlying motif was this- Saul Cartwright, the Oliver Twist lead singer, was the only real one left in the band itself, as the original Tom Glennan, Benji Farr and Hal Garrison had been killed in a crash in the Himalayas shortly before their visit to Stoatham City. However, Yukio realised that she loved the twisted clone of Tom Glennan more than her original husband, and established her criminal career alongside him. She broke him out of prison and tried to extort money out of the remaining Oliver Twisters with the dastardly meme that Saul Cartwright Was Undead.
And thus it was, one day in September 2020, that the Rodent of Righteousness Ratman and his stalwart crimefighter sidekicks, Witch Kraft and Brawnhilda, stood over a luridly costumed but still strangely animated corpse:
"Urrgh. Brains!!!"
"I can hardly stand it. Saul Cartwright, undead! Who could committed such a heinous act?" Brawnhilda said mournfully.
"Probably someone who used the requisite Haitian zombie reanimation. Which is odd, because they only do job lots of five at a time and have an extremely limited range. No, someone was responsible for this!" Witch Kraft said, musing on the moaning concealed figure beneath them:
"What about the other Oliver Twists, Hal Garrison and Benji Farr?"
Ratman shook his head: "Hal became completely invisible several years ago and then faded away altogether. Benji joined the Purple People in Ontagon and is still trapped in that cult because no-one noticed either."
"Wasn't there another one, Jerry?" Witch Kraft's brow furrowed as she tried to remember who it was.
"Of course! Tom Glennan, the fourth Oliver Twist! Booted out of the band for trying to spread rumours that Saul was dead, when it was actually the other three who'd died in the frigid wastes of the Himalayas! And given his diabolically evil wife Rubber Yukio NoNo, he could have easily secured zombie reanimation voodoo dust from Haiti and reanimated Saul that way."
"Hahahahahaha!!! Yes, it was I, Yukio NoNo, Tom Glennan's evil, seriously undertalented wife! Now that Saul Cartwright is undead, Tom and I can help ourselves to the residuals from the Oliver Twists profits! And moreover, I control him using secret mystical Haitian voudoun rites! Sic 'em, corpsey!" Saul Cartwright's undead reanimated form shambled to its feet, fixed his gaze on the triad of crimefighters and began to lurch forward, moaning with no conscious intent, other than to ingest the nutritious content of their respective crania. Witch Kraft grabbed her broom:
"Jerry, Brawnie, hop on! They won't be able to catch us if we take to the skies."
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Witchy? Your mastery of that broomstick is marginal at the best of times."
"Oh yeah? And how many times have you had to repair the Axe of Ginnungagap? And how many times has it fallen apart this year?"
"Only fifteen. Jerry? What are you thinking?"
"Witchy, could you put us down next to that grocery store?"
And so, because of its complete lack of cognitive activity, the Saul Cartwright zombie moaned gutturally in pleasure and helped itself to brain-shaped cabbages, enabling Witch Kraft to seal it into a magical time loop. However, it had also signed over the cumulative profits from the Oliver Twists back catalogue over to Yukio and Glennan.
"I don't believe this! Evil triumphed!" Ratman fumed.
"Nah, mate. We weren't responsible for Saul snuffin' it, we only reanimated his corpse using illicitly obtained Haitian zombie voudoun powder."
"Wait a minute," objected Brawnhilda, "what about dishonouring human remains?"
"Well, we didn't. Despite the fact that Tommy has every reason to harbor a grudge against Saul for his unjust ejection from the Oliver Twists, as you can see, we dressed his zombie afterself immaculately, insured he got kept clean from the detritus of human dindins that he fed upon, and even spent a small fortune on embalming him so necrotic body odour wasn't a problem. Therefore, we didn't actually 'dishonour' his remains at all, within the letter of the law..." Yukio cackled evilly.
"What about instructing him to attack us?"
"Nope, I think you'll find that's instinctive zombie anthropophagic reflex activity." Glennan smirked.
"I've really had enough of this meandering, inane plotline. Let's head over to a fancy Stoatham restaurant and have high tea!" Witch Kraft said angrily.
"Spoilsports!" Yukio called at their departing forms.
"Never mind them, love. We've done it! We're finally filthy rich!"
"Oh, Tommy! What a lesson for the youth of America! Larceny and blackmail do pay in the end." And hand in hand, the bargain basement baddies walked together into the sunset.
THE END.
[See, this is what happens when you have no Comics Coercion Authority...]
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Yukio NoNo, the evil terrorist wife of ex- Oliver Twister Tom Glennan, was cleaning her AK-47 machine gun in the kitchen. Yukio had had a troubled childhood, given attempts by the Japanese Propriety Army to erase her from existence because a precognitive associated with the puritanical terrorist cell had predicted she would become a highly pretentious mediocre artist. However, the bombing attempts had all failed to get rid of her and out of pure spite and malice, Yukio malevolently decided to split up the Oliver Twisters and exploit Tom Glennan to sell her hackneyed, awful art works. When Ratman and Rotten, the Boy Encumberance, beat her to it in an unrecorded January 1970 adventure which got left out of the Adventures of Jerry Lewis comics because it was just too damned embarrassing, the enraged artist manque transformed herself into the art-themed supervillain "Rubber Yukio.' Throughout the seventies, she left a trail of petty larceny and unaesthetic awfulness in her wake, aided and abetted by her embittered husband Tom Glennan. The curdled couple perpetrated such kitsch abominations as "Beds for Bombs", and her infamous installation piece "A Grotty Slab of Cardboard", and hid from apprehension by Ratman using "Bag Outs", which involved simply hiding in large paper bags. Thereafter, she founded her Rubber Yukio Gang, which tortured New Yorkers with displays of awful, indecipherable atonal gibberish "songs" in order to coerce them into giving them money. Despite their ardent habit of intoning enthusiastically pro-war songs, Earth-9767 was actually a peaceful place and even post-communists were admired for their kitsch , cheap and shoddy products beased on the personality cults of Mao, Stalin and the Kim dysentery in East Korea. Shortly after their deaths, Russia, China and East Korea had all abandoned communism and flooded the west with badly designed kitsch merchandise featuring their deceased iconic leadership. At one point, Rubber Yukio's hand fell off during a predatory sing-in at the Fourteenth Municipal Bank of Queens. To obtain money for prosthetic surgery, Tom Glennan hatched a plan with his murderous hack wife.
The underlying motif was this- Saul Cartwright, the Oliver Twist lead singer, was the only real one left in the band itself, as the original Tom Glennan, Benji Farr and Hal Garrison had been killed in a crash in the Himalayas shortly before their visit to Stoatham City. However, Yukio realised that she loved the twisted clone of Tom Glennan more than her original husband, and established her criminal career alongside him. She broke him out of prison and tried to extort money out of the remaining Oliver Twisters with the dastardly meme that Saul Cartwright Was Undead.
And thus it was, one day in September 2020, that the Rodent of Righteousness Ratman and his stalwart crimefighter sidekicks, Witch Kraft and Brawnhilda, stood over a luridly costumed but still strangely animated corpse:
"Urrgh. Brains!!!"
"I can hardly stand it. Saul Cartwright, undead! Who could committed such a heinous act?" Brawnhilda said mournfully.
"Probably someone who used the requisite Haitian zombie reanimation. Which is odd, because they only do job lots of five at a time and have an extremely limited range. No, someone was responsible for this!" Witch Kraft said, musing on the moaning concealed figure beneath them:
"What about the other Oliver Twists, Hal Garrison and Benji Farr?"
Ratman shook his head: "Hal became completely invisible several years ago and then faded away altogether. Benji joined the Purple People in Ontagon and is still trapped in that cult because no-one noticed either."
"Wasn't there another one, Jerry?" Witch Kraft's brow furrowed as she tried to remember who it was.
"Of course! Tom Glennan, the fourth Oliver Twist! Booted out of the band for trying to spread rumours that Saul was dead, when it was actually the other three who'd died in the frigid wastes of the Himalayas! And given his diabolically evil wife Rubber Yukio NoNo, he could have easily secured zombie reanimation voodoo dust from Haiti and reanimated Saul that way."
"Hahahahahaha!!! Yes, it was I, Yukio NoNo, Tom Glennan's evil, seriously undertalented wife! Now that Saul Cartwright is undead, Tom and I can help ourselves to the residuals from the Oliver Twists profits! And moreover, I control him using secret mystical Haitian voudoun rites! Sic 'em, corpsey!" Saul Cartwright's undead reanimated form shambled to its feet, fixed his gaze on the triad of crimefighters and began to lurch forward, moaning with no conscious intent, other than to ingest the nutritious content of their respective crania. Witch Kraft grabbed her broom:
"Jerry, Brawnie, hop on! They won't be able to catch us if we take to the skies."
"Are you sure that's a good idea, Witchy? Your mastery of that broomstick is marginal at the best of times."
"Oh yeah? And how many times have you had to repair the Axe of Ginnungagap? And how many times has it fallen apart this year?"
"Only fifteen. Jerry? What are you thinking?"
"Witchy, could you put us down next to that grocery store?"
And so, because of its complete lack of cognitive activity, the Saul Cartwright zombie moaned gutturally in pleasure and helped itself to brain-shaped cabbages, enabling Witch Kraft to seal it into a magical time loop. However, it had also signed over the cumulative profits from the Oliver Twists back catalogue over to Yukio and Glennan.
"I don't believe this! Evil triumphed!" Ratman fumed.
"Nah, mate. We weren't responsible for Saul snuffin' it, we only reanimated his corpse using illicitly obtained Haitian zombie voudoun powder."
"Wait a minute," objected Brawnhilda, "what about dishonouring human remains?"
"Well, we didn't. Despite the fact that Tommy has every reason to harbor a grudge against Saul for his unjust ejection from the Oliver Twists, as you can see, we dressed his zombie afterself immaculately, insured he got kept clean from the detritus of human dindins that he fed upon, and even spent a small fortune on embalming him so necrotic body odour wasn't a problem. Therefore, we didn't actually 'dishonour' his remains at all, within the letter of the law..." Yukio cackled evilly.
"What about instructing him to attack us?"
"Nope, I think you'll find that's instinctive zombie anthropophagic reflex activity." Glennan smirked.
"I've really had enough of this meandering, inane plotline. Let's head over to a fancy Stoatham restaurant and have high tea!" Witch Kraft said angrily.
"Spoilsports!" Yukio called at their departing forms.
"Never mind them, love. We've done it! We're finally filthy rich!"
"Oh, Tommy! What a lesson for the youth of America! Larceny and blackmail do pay in the end." And hand in hand, the bargain basement baddies walked together into the sunset.
THE END.
[See, this is what happens when you have no Comics Coercion Authority...]