Post by redsycorax on Sept 29, 2020 1:13:17 GMT
Come back with us now to the Dork Multiverse, home of Earths much too embarrassing, too hokey and too badly written ever to see the light of day again, except in the pages of fan fiction which subjects them to merciless satire and parody. On Earth-1275, one day, a supervillain named Zerba-Man confronted Batman and Robin, resulting in yet another bad uniform choice for the Camp Crusader, as if his suspicious rainbow outfits weren't enough. However, on Earth-1275, the outfit choice stuck...
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"Get back, everyone! B-Batman's new outfit causes headaches if you look at it too closely!!" Robin exclaimed
Batman groaned to himself. How had this all started, and what the hell did his new zebra couture have to do with electromagnetism anyway? It was only an hour since he and Robin had encountered Zerba-Man, whose body had been overloaded by magnetic force and now looked like a surrealist painting. Batman charged into the fray, but for his pains had gotten the colour scheme of his new uniform hopelessly wrong. As a result, he was being dissed mercilessly by Glottham City drag queens for its unmitigated awful tackiness:
"Batman!"
"Ah, Commissioner Gordon. Why are you wearing those dark glasses?"
"They're specially polarised to screen out your disastrous fashion choice, Batman. Good news, we managed to identify Zerba-Man's identity from forensic screening of that hair sample Robin spotted."
"Please don't mock my new outfit, Commissioner. It strikes fear into the hearts and bowels of Glottham City's criminals..."
"Fashion designers, art critics, and anyone susceptible to neurological spasms..."
"That'll be enough from you, Robin. Happily, I can only repel anyone who's repulsive already, so that means Glottham City tabloid journalists like Melly Nadgers won't be able to get close to me as long as I wear it."
"There's another problem, Batman. If it repels everything, how exactly will you be able to fight crime?"
"Fortunately, the substantial ghastliness of this outfit causes anyone who gets too near it to keel over in hideous pain." Robin observed.
"And it seems to cause your food to fly away as well. Just as well you had to go on a diet anyway, Batman."
"Not you too, Commissioner..."
"Hsst, Batman, what about your secret identity? If you show up like that while you're Bruce Whine, people will assume that you're either Batman or Zerba-Man. You'll be shunned. And you're causing endless traffic accidents as people swerve to try and get away from your awful outfit." Robin whispered.
"Oh, Momma, there's Batman. Can I go over and be a nuisance?" Tommy, the requisite precocious and deeply annoying small child, piped up.
"No, Tommy (SOB), no-one can go near Batman anymore, and that accompanying toothbrush moustache is just too ridiculous..."
"Robin, we have to find a solution to this, otherwise I can never be seen in public with you again..." Batman said gravely.
"No, Batman, don't say that. Look, it's simple. Just change back to your regular outfit. Oh. Why is that electromagnet in the adjacent junkyard fluctuating wildly?"
"I have a convoluted hunch about how we can foil Zerba-Man's ghastly scheme, Robin..."
Batman hid in a closet (...) within the junkyard until Zerba-Man and his henchpeople showed up and abruptly he found himself pulled toward Batman!
"Hey, what's going on? I'm not attracted to you!"
"Oh yes, you are... Butch Dykeman!!!" Batman exclaimed, grabbing Zerba-Man's electromagnetic belt and unmasking him at the same time.
"Curses! Yes, I know, Camp Crusader. I got tired of the snide remarks in gym class and turned to crime and bad outfit design to avenge myself on society."
"Look, will someone tell me what's wrong with this ensemble? Does my bum look big in it or something?" Batman growled.
"It's just hopelessly unaesthetic, that's all. Thank goodness I no longer have to wear it." Zerba-Man replied as he was bundled off to Glottham City Penitentiary
"Sorry, I'm not going to stop wearing it."
And so, Batman's career ended because of the sharp rise in optometrist bills which bankrupted Glottham City, the revelation of Batman's Bruce Whine identity, his inability to eat food and the sheer aesthetic embarrassment that he caused the city of his origin. Superman and the Justice League found reasons not to include him in cases and Robin and Alfred walled off the Batcave from Whine Manor.
THE END
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"Get back, everyone! B-Batman's new outfit causes headaches if you look at it too closely!!" Robin exclaimed
Batman groaned to himself. How had this all started, and what the hell did his new zebra couture have to do with electromagnetism anyway? It was only an hour since he and Robin had encountered Zerba-Man, whose body had been overloaded by magnetic force and now looked like a surrealist painting. Batman charged into the fray, but for his pains had gotten the colour scheme of his new uniform hopelessly wrong. As a result, he was being dissed mercilessly by Glottham City drag queens for its unmitigated awful tackiness:
"Batman!"
"Ah, Commissioner Gordon. Why are you wearing those dark glasses?"
"They're specially polarised to screen out your disastrous fashion choice, Batman. Good news, we managed to identify Zerba-Man's identity from forensic screening of that hair sample Robin spotted."
"Please don't mock my new outfit, Commissioner. It strikes fear into the hearts and bowels of Glottham City's criminals..."
"Fashion designers, art critics, and anyone susceptible to neurological spasms..."
"That'll be enough from you, Robin. Happily, I can only repel anyone who's repulsive already, so that means Glottham City tabloid journalists like Melly Nadgers won't be able to get close to me as long as I wear it."
"There's another problem, Batman. If it repels everything, how exactly will you be able to fight crime?"
"Fortunately, the substantial ghastliness of this outfit causes anyone who gets too near it to keel over in hideous pain." Robin observed.
"And it seems to cause your food to fly away as well. Just as well you had to go on a diet anyway, Batman."
"Not you too, Commissioner..."
"Hsst, Batman, what about your secret identity? If you show up like that while you're Bruce Whine, people will assume that you're either Batman or Zerba-Man. You'll be shunned. And you're causing endless traffic accidents as people swerve to try and get away from your awful outfit." Robin whispered.
"Oh, Momma, there's Batman. Can I go over and be a nuisance?" Tommy, the requisite precocious and deeply annoying small child, piped up.
"No, Tommy (SOB), no-one can go near Batman anymore, and that accompanying toothbrush moustache is just too ridiculous..."
"Robin, we have to find a solution to this, otherwise I can never be seen in public with you again..." Batman said gravely.
"No, Batman, don't say that. Look, it's simple. Just change back to your regular outfit. Oh. Why is that electromagnet in the adjacent junkyard fluctuating wildly?"
"I have a convoluted hunch about how we can foil Zerba-Man's ghastly scheme, Robin..."
Batman hid in a closet (...) within the junkyard until Zerba-Man and his henchpeople showed up and abruptly he found himself pulled toward Batman!
"Hey, what's going on? I'm not attracted to you!"
"Oh yes, you are... Butch Dykeman!!!" Batman exclaimed, grabbing Zerba-Man's electromagnetic belt and unmasking him at the same time.
"Curses! Yes, I know, Camp Crusader. I got tired of the snide remarks in gym class and turned to crime and bad outfit design to avenge myself on society."
"Look, will someone tell me what's wrong with this ensemble? Does my bum look big in it or something?" Batman growled.
"It's just hopelessly unaesthetic, that's all. Thank goodness I no longer have to wear it." Zerba-Man replied as he was bundled off to Glottham City Penitentiary
"Sorry, I'm not going to stop wearing it."
And so, Batman's career ended because of the sharp rise in optometrist bills which bankrupted Glottham City, the revelation of Batman's Bruce Whine identity, his inability to eat food and the sheer aesthetic embarrassment that he caused the city of his origin. Superman and the Justice League found reasons not to include him in cases and Robin and Alfred walled off the Batcave from Whine Manor.
THE END