Post by redsycorax on Oct 12, 2020 4:39:59 GMT
The Dork Multiverse is a realm where particularly embarassing interludes show up just to embarrass those who participate in them. For example, take Larissa Lenox. She "married" Superman and they had a son, except that it was actually Mr. Mxyzptlk. When Kal-El worked it all out, he tricked his 'son' into reciting a Kryptonian oath that contained the words 'kltpzyxm". returning him to his homeworld Zrfff in the Fifth Dimension. Unfortunately, on Earth-218, Superman really had married Larissa Lenox and the marriage certificate and resultant offspring were genuine. Oops.
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As Superman flew into Clark Kent's Metropolis apartment, ready to resume his civilian identity after a long night diverting asteroids from impacting on Alpha Centauri's Rann, he was startled to see a woman there- and moreover, it was one that he'd never met before. He frowned:
"Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing in my apartment?"
"Are you mad, Clark? You've been married to me, Larissa Lenox Kent, for the last five years."
"Great Krypton! Listen, lady, you're obviously confused..."
"How can you deny I'm your wife, Superman?! You signed our marriage certificate and there's our super-son. Why did you leave us?"
"See, Daddy? Me can fly, just like you!"
Abruptly, Lois Lane burst through the door:
"Superman! So it's true!! You!!! Larissa Lenox! You're the one who stabbed me in the back (CHOKE) and stole away my happiness (SOB!!!)"
"Save the tears, Lois. My husband will tell you why you had no chance in the first place."
"What? No! Look, Lois, this is all some ghastly mistake. I don't know this woman!"
"You have a Super-Son. Gasp! Wheeze! Oh, what have I done with my life?!"
"Ahem. Hello, Lois. It's Lex. As you can see, I've reformed due to telepathic intervention and so, if you're tired of forever pining after Big Blue..."
"Yes! Yes, Lex, I will marry you on the rebound!"
"Larissa, look, I remember none of this."
"Oh come off it! Don't use that hokey old red kryptonite excuse."
"That must be it! I got temporary amnesia, married you then and therefore cannot be held accountable for my actions."
"Right, I've had this!! You go off for five years, leaving me to raise Martin here on my own! You adulterously romance Lois Lane in full public view despite it! Well, see how you like this, buster!"
"Divorce papers?"
"That's right, bozo! I'm sueing you for half the Fortress of Solitude, the bottle city of Kandor, and all of your other chattels!"
"Larissa, can't we talk about this like reasonable adults?"
"No, because this isn't that sort of rational, well-ordered universe. See you in court, you ... you... Super-Philanderer!!!"
And so, Larissa Lenox v Superman ended in a massive debacle. Larissa got the property division she wanted so badly and in the process, wrecked Superman's reputation. Jimmy Olsen unfriended him, returning his supersonic signal watch and the Daily Planet was rocked by the revelation that all along, Superman had been Clark Kent after all. Meanwhile, Lois and Lex Luthor lived in radiant happiness and had a son called Larry. Unlike his father, he had hair and wasn't all cut up and bitter about going bald due to a laboratory chemical accident. Batman refused to be seen with him and Wonder Woman cut him cold, shortly after being transformed into a gorilla and falling madly in love with Flash's friend, President Solovar of Gorilla City, also leading to the unfortunate death by spontaneous combustion of Stave Travor.
THE END
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As Superman flew into Clark Kent's Metropolis apartment, ready to resume his civilian identity after a long night diverting asteroids from impacting on Alpha Centauri's Rann, he was startled to see a woman there- and moreover, it was one that he'd never met before. He frowned:
"Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing in my apartment?"
"Are you mad, Clark? You've been married to me, Larissa Lenox Kent, for the last five years."
"Great Krypton! Listen, lady, you're obviously confused..."
"How can you deny I'm your wife, Superman?! You signed our marriage certificate and there's our super-son. Why did you leave us?"
"See, Daddy? Me can fly, just like you!"
Abruptly, Lois Lane burst through the door:
"Superman! So it's true!! You!!! Larissa Lenox! You're the one who stabbed me in the back (CHOKE) and stole away my happiness (SOB!!!)"
"Save the tears, Lois. My husband will tell you why you had no chance in the first place."
"What? No! Look, Lois, this is all some ghastly mistake. I don't know this woman!"
"You have a Super-Son. Gasp! Wheeze! Oh, what have I done with my life?!"
"Ahem. Hello, Lois. It's Lex. As you can see, I've reformed due to telepathic intervention and so, if you're tired of forever pining after Big Blue..."
"Yes! Yes, Lex, I will marry you on the rebound!"
"Larissa, look, I remember none of this."
"Oh come off it! Don't use that hokey old red kryptonite excuse."
"That must be it! I got temporary amnesia, married you then and therefore cannot be held accountable for my actions."
"Right, I've had this!! You go off for five years, leaving me to raise Martin here on my own! You adulterously romance Lois Lane in full public view despite it! Well, see how you like this, buster!"
"Divorce papers?"
"That's right, bozo! I'm sueing you for half the Fortress of Solitude, the bottle city of Kandor, and all of your other chattels!"
"Larissa, can't we talk about this like reasonable adults?"
"No, because this isn't that sort of rational, well-ordered universe. See you in court, you ... you... Super-Philanderer!!!"
And so, Larissa Lenox v Superman ended in a massive debacle. Larissa got the property division she wanted so badly and in the process, wrecked Superman's reputation. Jimmy Olsen unfriended him, returning his supersonic signal watch and the Daily Planet was rocked by the revelation that all along, Superman had been Clark Kent after all. Meanwhile, Lois and Lex Luthor lived in radiant happiness and had a son called Larry. Unlike his father, he had hair and wasn't all cut up and bitter about going bald due to a laboratory chemical accident. Batman refused to be seen with him and Wonder Woman cut him cold, shortly after being transformed into a gorilla and falling madly in love with Flash's friend, President Solovar of Gorilla City, also leading to the unfortunate death by spontaneous combustion of Stave Travor.
THE END