Post by redsycorax on Oct 17, 2020 0:50:47 GMT
Hostess desert pies tended to addict superheroes during the seventies, particularly Superman, Batman and Plastic Man (although the Incredible Hulk and Captain America lie outside our purview). There's an entire Earth, Earth-766, in which the addiction is still commonplace and has twisted the lives of superheroes, causing the tragic destruction of that world. But what does this have to do with Earth-55 and the Freedom Brigade? Aren't you sorry you asked?
++
"Mmmm, a delicious Hostesstm pie!!!"
"Superman! A giant asteroid is heading rapidly toward the Earth! Save us!"
"Not until I finish this cherry-apple Hostesstm pie and it gives me the energy to do it."
"Batman and Robin?"
"Sorry, we're busy with these scrumptious Hostesstm pies too! We've just finished tying up our nefarious but hitherto opponent, the Grimacer, who fell into our hands while...say, isn't that asteroid gettng rather large.."
"Superman!!!"
"Okay, finished-
BabadaBOOM!!!
"Oops..." But the calorie-laden, accursed desert pies had not yet completed their trajectory of doom and destruction. Inexplicably surviving the incineration of Earth-766, inexorably moving toward their next target- Earth-55, home of the Freedom Brigade.
EARTH-55:
"Mermaid...!"
"I'm on it, Clint. Not so fast, Duckman!!!" Abruptly, there was a flock of airborne octopi which cascaded through the air and pinned down the green carnardine criminal.
"WAK! WAK! This is discrimination against me because I'm an avian, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't. It's because you're committing acts of domestic terrorism against anything to do with eggs."
"It's a sanctity of avian life issue, you wouldn't understand." Mr Might and Mermaid handed over the miscreant mallard to the New York Metropolitan Police and then walked away to the teleport atop the NYPD roof:
"Why are there so many criminal cases that involve ducks suddenly, Clint?"
"I have no idea, Lauren. There seems to be a bizarre influx of them. Perhaps it's an evolutionary twist. Perhaps one day, Earth will be dominated by space-age Ducks!!!"
"Oh, Clint. Do you really think so? Will humanity fall under this tyrannical pinion wing of dictatorship? "
"Perhaps Bat Woman can help us..."
FBUS Satellite:
"Vicky, we're being besieged by diabolical ducks. Did your forensic analysis uncover much?" Mermaid said.
"It's odd you should mention that, Lauren. Are you familiar with Hostesstm desert pies?"
"Oh no!!! I thought that nightmare was over!" Princess Power gasped from the Time Space Visualiser.
"Debbie? You know about them?"
"Our predecessors, Freedom Force, fought that addictive substance when it first appeared on our world in 1930. From what we know, Hostesstm pies are a highly addictive malignant substance that has spread across the multiverse and has been responsible for people turning into depraved, antisocial monsters in order to fulfil their craving for the cupcakes, Chocodile twinkies, Ding Dongs, Hohos, Snoballs, Suzie Qs, zingers and Twinkies. Eventually, vast numbers of Twinkies overwhelm planetary social structures and defenses, suppressing all social activities other than the consumption of the cakes in question. There was a Double Cross German conspiracy to flood the United States with them during the Second Global War. Sadly, one of them killed the Cobweb Kid. His Aunt Meg was twisted into a soulless, conscience-free pusher by those corrosive cakes. FDR finally declared them illegal in 1941."
"So what are they doing on our world, Debbie?" Mr Might asked
"From what I've found out, twinkies are cunning parasitic forms of predatory foodstuff, which can travel across alternate universes. The wrapping is plastic, which has been illegal here for the last twenty years. Nor does the geographic location match anywhere on our Earth. It seems to have originated on Earth-766, but I couldn't receive any interdimensional broadcasts from that setting. Rampant twinkie addiction resulted in a state of oversugared obliviousness to the prospect of a giant asteroid impact. Worse still, it can even affect high grade metahumans like Clint."
"You mean there are neonite ingredients?"
Bat Woman nodded: "Strawberry neonite, to be exact, Clint."
Meanwhile, Lex Object had sneakily made away with forty Hostess Twinkietm supersized cakes. That's four tens. And it was terrible, given that he had plans to use them against Mr Might. Unfortunately, an inconvenient space warp opened up and they cascaded through it to Earth-1992, where they satiated the hunger of a zombie apocalypse survivor from Tallahassee. Which shows that crime doesn't pay and nor does addiction to heinous small oversugared cakes of malevolent origin and intent.
"This is serious. Incidentally, does this have anything to do with the hordes of giant anthropomorphic ducks currently besieging our world?" Mermaid asked.
"Hula hoop, my friends! I request assistance! I am being nibbled at by one of the aforementioned." The Mighty HermAphrodite radioed from the world beneath.
"Earth-222? I've been trying to raise them on the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Communicator, but there's no hysterical squawking from that tachyon wavelength the way there usually is. Unless... Earth-222 has been destroyed by the twinkie onslaught as well...?"
STANDARD CITY:
"Back back you wanton waterfowl!!!"
A cigar smoking duckoid had cornered the latest member of the Freedom Brigade and menaced him/her with a blaster almost as large as he was:
"You will be destroyed, Earth person of uncertain gender identity!"
"Why?"
"Oh, you want an information dump and character development, even though I'm a four-foot high anthropomorphic duck and obviously are less probable than you are? I am Darnold Duq, formerly President of the United Ducks of Ameurtica. Then the twinkie scourge materialised in the skies above us and rained sickly sweet doom and devastation on our planet. It was hopeless. Within weeks, our civilisation had collapsed and then there was an artificial twinkie shortage- and the Union of Communist Carnard Republics went to microwave war with us. In our addiction, we wiped out our own world. A few of us escaped to scattered alternate Earths across the multiverse. But the twinkies followed us and overwhelmed us, forcing us into servitude to the satanic snacks!"
"Was that exclamation mark really necessary?" Mighty HermAphrodite observed sagely. The duckoid levelled its blaster at her/him and prepared to slaughter the superhero/ine chained to the wall before him.
"Cease and surrender, duckoid!!!" Mr Might ordered. In response, the snarling duckoid bared his fangs, even if they were anatomically incorrect and shouldn't have been there. Unfortunately for him, Darnold Duq had no anger management skilled and descended into a cascade of histrionic bouncing and squawking, enabling Captain Swift to overpower him and tie him up.
"Are you okay, Toni and Butch?" Bat Woman said as she unchained the former captive.
"The fiendish fowl tried to force me to eat that criminal confectionary and addict me. But I outsmarted it."
"Well, it is a giant duck..."
"WAKWAKWAKWAK!!! I'll tell you nothing, supercoppers!"
In response, Bat Woman slipped on Bat Oven Gloves and pulled out a huge canister of stuffing. Darnold's eyes widened in fear as she upended him and prepared to slit him, licking her lips
"How do you want to be stuffed, Darnold? With oregano and parsley? With an orange stuffed in your beak?!"
"You're not sticking your fist in me, metahuman! I'll tell! I'll tell! You sadist!"
Abruptly, a large box of twinkies materialised above North America, plummeting toward the western coast. However, this time, Black Vulcan and Bowman were waiting in the FBUS satellite. They had triangulated attention on the sinister sweetness and located where it came from...
"Earth-33?! That dull as dishwater, boring dump?! So it has no addictive qualities at all?"
"Well, apparently twinkies were implicated in the death of two public officials in California on that world in the late 1970s. They were alleged to have driven one of their colleagues insane."
"So... that batch of Hostess cakes somehow fell through a wormhole and was transmuted into really addictive confectionary due to its transit across the multiverse?"
"Yes, and now we have its location, we can cut off the supply. Well done, guys!"
'But what do we do about these refugee ducks from Earth-222?"
EARTH-428:
Abruptly, one day on an alternate Earth where no sapient life had ever evolved, a large flock of duckoids materialised above what would have been the location of Lake Superior elsewhere. They plummeted into it in a squawking, complaining and irate mass and splashed ashore, to find several million items of merchandise, prefabricated buildings and food. The happy ducks descended on it and over the years, forgot about their experiences on other alternate Earths. And on Earth-55, an enormous pile of twinkies was incinerated, filling the air with sweet-smelling fumes as it combusted.
With that, the 'cakes of wrath' episode came to a close. Nevermore would the criminal confectionary menace the multiverse!!!
THE END
++
"Mmmm, a delicious Hostesstm pie!!!"
"Superman! A giant asteroid is heading rapidly toward the Earth! Save us!"
"Not until I finish this cherry-apple Hostesstm pie and it gives me the energy to do it."
"Batman and Robin?"
"Sorry, we're busy with these scrumptious Hostess
"Superman!!!"
"Okay, finished-
BabadaBOOM!!!
"Oops..." But the calorie-laden, accursed desert pies had not yet completed their trajectory of doom and destruction. Inexplicably surviving the incineration of Earth-766, inexorably moving toward their next target- Earth-55, home of the Freedom Brigade.
EARTH-55:
"Mermaid...!"
"I'm on it, Clint. Not so fast, Duckman!!!" Abruptly, there was a flock of airborne octopi which cascaded through the air and pinned down the green carnardine criminal.
"WAK! WAK! This is discrimination against me because I'm an avian, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't. It's because you're committing acts of domestic terrorism against anything to do with eggs."
"It's a sanctity of avian life issue, you wouldn't understand." Mr Might and Mermaid handed over the miscreant mallard to the New York Metropolitan Police and then walked away to the teleport atop the NYPD roof:
"Why are there so many criminal cases that involve ducks suddenly, Clint?"
"I have no idea, Lauren. There seems to be a bizarre influx of them. Perhaps it's an evolutionary twist. Perhaps one day, Earth will be dominated by space-age Ducks!!!"
"Oh, Clint. Do you really think so? Will humanity fall under this tyrannical pinion wing of dictatorship? "
"Perhaps Bat Woman can help us..."
FBUS Satellite:
"Vicky, we're being besieged by diabolical ducks. Did your forensic analysis uncover much?" Mermaid said.
"It's odd you should mention that, Lauren. Are you familiar with Hostesstm desert pies?"
"Oh no!!! I thought that nightmare was over!" Princess Power gasped from the Time Space Visualiser.
"Debbie? You know about them?"
"Our predecessors, Freedom Force, fought that addictive substance when it first appeared on our world in 1930. From what we know, Hostesstm pies are a highly addictive malignant substance that has spread across the multiverse and has been responsible for people turning into depraved, antisocial monsters in order to fulfil their craving for the cupcakes, Chocodile twinkies, Ding Dongs, Hohos, Snoballs, Suzie Qs, zingers and Twinkies. Eventually, vast numbers of Twinkies overwhelm planetary social structures and defenses, suppressing all social activities other than the consumption of the cakes in question. There was a Double Cross German conspiracy to flood the United States with them during the Second Global War. Sadly, one of them killed the Cobweb Kid. His Aunt Meg was twisted into a soulless, conscience-free pusher by those corrosive cakes. FDR finally declared them illegal in 1941."
"So what are they doing on our world, Debbie?" Mr Might asked
"From what I've found out, twinkies are cunning parasitic forms of predatory foodstuff, which can travel across alternate universes. The wrapping is plastic, which has been illegal here for the last twenty years. Nor does the geographic location match anywhere on our Earth. It seems to have originated on Earth-766, but I couldn't receive any interdimensional broadcasts from that setting. Rampant twinkie addiction resulted in a state of oversugared obliviousness to the prospect of a giant asteroid impact. Worse still, it can even affect high grade metahumans like Clint."
"You mean there are neonite ingredients?"
Bat Woman nodded: "Strawberry neonite, to be exact, Clint."
Meanwhile, Lex Object had sneakily made away with forty Hostess Twinkietm supersized cakes. That's four tens. And it was terrible, given that he had plans to use them against Mr Might. Unfortunately, an inconvenient space warp opened up and they cascaded through it to Earth-1992, where they satiated the hunger of a zombie apocalypse survivor from Tallahassee. Which shows that crime doesn't pay and nor does addiction to heinous small oversugared cakes of malevolent origin and intent.
"This is serious. Incidentally, does this have anything to do with the hordes of giant anthropomorphic ducks currently besieging our world?" Mermaid asked.
"Hula hoop, my friends! I request assistance! I am being nibbled at by one of the aforementioned." The Mighty HermAphrodite radioed from the world beneath.
"Earth-222? I've been trying to raise them on the Heisenberg Alternate Probability Communicator, but there's no hysterical squawking from that tachyon wavelength the way there usually is. Unless... Earth-222 has been destroyed by the twinkie onslaught as well...?"
STANDARD CITY:
"Back back you wanton waterfowl!!!"
A cigar smoking duckoid had cornered the latest member of the Freedom Brigade and menaced him/her with a blaster almost as large as he was:
"You will be destroyed, Earth person of uncertain gender identity!"
"Why?"
"Oh, you want an information dump and character development, even though I'm a four-foot high anthropomorphic duck and obviously are less probable than you are? I am Darnold Duq, formerly President of the United Ducks of Ameurtica. Then the twinkie scourge materialised in the skies above us and rained sickly sweet doom and devastation on our planet. It was hopeless. Within weeks, our civilisation had collapsed and then there was an artificial twinkie shortage- and the Union of Communist Carnard Republics went to microwave war with us. In our addiction, we wiped out our own world. A few of us escaped to scattered alternate Earths across the multiverse. But the twinkies followed us and overwhelmed us, forcing us into servitude to the satanic snacks!"
"Was that exclamation mark really necessary?" Mighty HermAphrodite observed sagely. The duckoid levelled its blaster at her/him and prepared to slaughter the superhero/ine chained to the wall before him.
"Cease and surrender, duckoid!!!" Mr Might ordered. In response, the snarling duckoid bared his fangs, even if they were anatomically incorrect and shouldn't have been there. Unfortunately for him, Darnold Duq had no anger management skilled and descended into a cascade of histrionic bouncing and squawking, enabling Captain Swift to overpower him and tie him up.
"Are you okay, Toni and Butch?" Bat Woman said as she unchained the former captive.
"The fiendish fowl tried to force me to eat that criminal confectionary and addict me. But I outsmarted it."
"Well, it is a giant duck..."
"WAKWAKWAKWAK!!! I'll tell you nothing, supercoppers!"
In response, Bat Woman slipped on Bat Oven Gloves and pulled out a huge canister of stuffing. Darnold's eyes widened in fear as she upended him and prepared to slit him, licking her lips
"How do you want to be stuffed, Darnold? With oregano and parsley? With an orange stuffed in your beak?!"
"You're not sticking your fist in me, metahuman! I'll tell! I'll tell! You sadist!"
Abruptly, a large box of twinkies materialised above North America, plummeting toward the western coast. However, this time, Black Vulcan and Bowman were waiting in the FBUS satellite. They had triangulated attention on the sinister sweetness and located where it came from...
"Earth-33?! That dull as dishwater, boring dump?! So it has no addictive qualities at all?"
"Well, apparently twinkies were implicated in the death of two public officials in California on that world in the late 1970s. They were alleged to have driven one of their colleagues insane."
"So... that batch of Hostess cakes somehow fell through a wormhole and was transmuted into really addictive confectionary due to its transit across the multiverse?"
"Yes, and now we have its location, we can cut off the supply. Well done, guys!"
'But what do we do about these refugee ducks from Earth-222?"
EARTH-428:
Abruptly, one day on an alternate Earth where no sapient life had ever evolved, a large flock of duckoids materialised above what would have been the location of Lake Superior elsewhere. They plummeted into it in a squawking, complaining and irate mass and splashed ashore, to find several million items of merchandise, prefabricated buildings and food. The happy ducks descended on it and over the years, forgot about their experiences on other alternate Earths. And on Earth-55, an enormous pile of twinkies was incinerated, filling the air with sweet-smelling fumes as it combusted.
With that, the 'cakes of wrath' episode came to a close. Nevermore would the criminal confectionary menace the multiverse!!!
THE END