Post by redsycorax on Dec 21, 2020 1:04:48 GMT
Earth-55 has many strange anomalies. One of them is that characters that shouldn't actually be there because they're from incompatible background continuities. While this has been resolved to some extent through being reallocated to other gonzo alternate Earths in the Multiverse, sadly there are still some hangovers. Take Nazrat of the Monkeys. In the early twentieth century, Lord Pinkstoke crashed in an interchangeable African jungle. He got eaten by a giant anaconda, which is curious because they're supposed to be exclusively native to South America, but anyhow, a troupe of gorillas brought up his son, John, who later became Nazrat of the Monkeys, clad only in a loincloth, who swings through the jungle on vines and married Jane Plodder, another jungle-obsessed British aristocrat. Nazrat and Jane had a son, Krackhed, who inherited his dad's rather basic vocabulary, and Cheeto, an orangutan who later joined the Republicrat Party and became the 45th US President. Nazrat shared his adventures with Deepfried of Venus and Jim Blotter of Barflyme (Mars), which was strangely inhabitable despite the Mariner IV mission disproving that there was actually any life present on the deepfrozen world. Moreover, the Barflymians wore very little in the way of clothes. Be that as it may, Nazrat was totally and utterly evil. He arranged for the deforestation of large parts of the jungle, let hunters in to kill all the non-evil apes thereabouts and used the fortune to relocate to Beaverly Heights in Los Angeles. Where he still swung around in a loincloth and carried on like a primitive. Given the title, yes, eventually even the Freedom Brigade finally took notice.
++
BEAVERLEY HEIGHTS:
"Waal, kitties! Look up thar, it's that there Nazrat of the Monkeys." Joad Clumpett whistled through his greying moustache.
"Out of the way, Melly A. The monkey man prefers older ladies!" Grammy Clumpett preened and combed back her grey hair, having put on her best Victorian era frock.
"It's no good, Grammy. Don't you remember? Nazrat decapitated Jethrene and abducted Cousin Purl, who has never been seen again."
"I'll go get mah rifle..." But as he said that, Joad Clumpett was set upon by a horde of brutal chimpanzees and torn limb from limb.
Oblivious to reality, Grammy Clumpett closed her eyes and pursed her lips. Abruptly, there was a blinding pulse of light and she dematerialised, for a teleport beam had taken her to distant Barflyme, where a Barflymian warlord with very little aesthetic taste passionately embraced her and made her one of his/her harem. Thanks to the intervention of Jim Blotter, Grammy outlived the rest of her family by millennia. Melly A gasped, and ran for her life. She made it because Nazrat lost interest in the Clumpetts abruptly, and held Joad's head high above the concrete pond. For the next three decades, she used the inherited Clumpett fortune to open an animal sanctuary- except for apes. She didn't care what happened to them, for obvious reasons.
GEOGRAPHICALLY DODGY AFRICAN JUNGLE, BORDERING LOS ANGELES:
As he returned to his treetop home, Jane came out and gratefully accepted the loot from the raid on the Clumpett mansion:
"Good. That's the Clumpetts dispatched. That means that they can join the Prufrocks of Southamsterton, the Duggles of Pooterville and Pantiwaist Junction, all obliterated."
"Why wife am poorly disposed toward them?"
"Ah, Nazrat, my husband. It's because a ruthless media corporation ordered a senseless, bloodthirsty purge of all rural properties on the basis that they were incredibly boring to metropolitan and suburban viewers, so they hired us to obliterate them completely. Nyahahahaha!!!"
"Jane am turned nicely evil."
"Oh Nazrat, dahling. Due to this dimensionally promiscuous jungle, we can launch raids on the colonies at will. And become extremely rich."
"Kiss me, wife." For yes, Nazrat and Jane were deeply in love, despite their carnage and mayhem.
FBUS SATELLITE:
Mr Might looked up from the Troubalert:
"Problems, everyone. It's our somewhat old enemy, Nazrat of the Monkeys."
"But it's been fifty years. I thought his son Krakhed had taken over the jungle." Mermaid said quizically.
"Precisely which jungle are we talkin' about here?" Black Vulcan asked.
"No-one quite knows. It used to be situated somewhere anonymous in Africa, but it's become even more geographically unhinged in recent years. Parts of it have been sighted near Los Angeles." Bat Woman replied.
"This should be easy. All Nazrat does is talk to monkeys, yodel a lot and swing around trees clad in a very scanty loincloth." Lady Liberty grinned, rubbing her hands in glee.
Mr Might sighed: "Actually, no, Dana. Nazrat may look like a grunting primitive but ripped guy with a limited vocabulary, but..."
"Hey, that's right. Hamish and I bumped into Krakhed in a San Fran gay bar. Apparently, he came out ages ago and it was rather incongruous for a thirtysomething to be called Girl, especially if he wasn't transgendered and intending to transition, so he left the jungle and is currently running a gay pawn shop, the Three Balls." Lightpower added.
"That's a weird segue, Dirk." Mermaid pointed out.
"But why is Nazrat so evil?" The Mighty Hermaphrodite asked the others.
"We think he and his family ended up on our Earth when One of Those Crises obliterated a hypothetical evil Earth called, for argument's sake, Earth T-1. On that world, the Edgar Rice Krispies mythos were literally true, except they're morally inverted. Consequently, Nazrat, Jane and the other Edgar Rice Krispie characters were hurled through the Bleed to our particular alternate universe. Don't ask me why our universe attracts so much flotsam and jetsam. Sorry, S. Mal. That doesn't apply to you."
Green Trashcan shrugged: "Well, Badman definitely qualifies as jetsam. Speaking of which, I have some portentous news." Background music thundered in the distance.
"Oh no! You don't mean-" Lady Liberty gasped.
"Yes, I'm afraid so, time for another arbitrary continuity patch. My smelloring has traced the trajectories of the two disjointoids who were transported here when Yet Another Crisis obliterated their own home Earths. Namely, Jigsawer and Captain Piecework. And coincidentally enough, their minds became unhinged during their long interdimensional transit. They too have turned completely and reprehensibly evil."
"I have a question, actually. Didn't Piecework have a rogues gallery of his own? Because if they survived and were also transposed through the multiverse, they might have been morally inverted in the other direction." The Patriot interjected.
"Of course! Good thinking, Jabez. Yes, that's... Itsybitsyman, Dr Foot, Atom Fang and Mr Neurotic!"
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Hey, those names sound suspiciously familiar. Not too familiar, mind, but pretty convergent."
"We haven't a moment to lose! To the teleport! Except for you, Jabez. Not after your disgraceful episode with Elephantissima, the ambassador from Pachyderm City."
PACHYDERM CITY:
"Yes, it's a sad story. Nazrat's foster parents, Cornplaster and Zeezee were friends of ours. They're very nice gorillas. According to Cornplaster, though, Nazrat started hanging around with chimpanzee hoodlums and picked up their antisocial behaviour. And then he made friends with Cheeto the Insane Trumpanzee Orangutan."
"Yes, we know. We had to pry him out of the Bright House after he lost the last election and the incoming president, Joe Boredom, realised that his predecessor had gone rabid and had to be removed with extreme prejudice." Mr Might nodded as they spoke to Sobertar, alpha elephantoid of the hidden civilisation of Pachyderm City, also lost somewhere anonymous in Africa.
"Where's Jabez these days?" Impossible as it may seem, Elephantissima, the former ambassador from Pachyderm City had sidled up to the Freedom Brigade.
"On the satellite, you greyskinned homewrecking floozy." Lady Liberty said icily, glaring at her former romantic rival.
"Sobertar, old friend, do you know anything about the dimensionally wobbly jungle in which Nazrat, Jane ad nauseum dwell?" Captain Swift inquired
"Outer Slobovia dumped some tachyon weapon fallout canisters there. Conveniently for those two, it scrambled their spatial location."
THAT INCONGRUOUS AFRICAN JUNGLE- AGAIN:
"Don't look!" Lightpower tried to step in the way of the sudden human remains, but he was too late.
"Oh, no. No. My old friend, Goober Piles USMC...a forelorn skeleton! Damn you, Nazrat!!!" Lady Liberty sobbed.
"What the hey is Nazrat doin', killing off these people from ancient sixties sitcoms?" Black Vulcan had sighted the major attribute that unified the deceased and everyone gasped:
"Oh, of course! Pierce, you're a genius! Yes, exactly- all of the people killed thus far are participants in sixties reality television programmes, even if the networks did market them as situation comedies at the time!" Princess Power said.
"Not so fast, you annoying do-gooder spoilsports!" Jane brandished a large volume blaster bazooka, 'borrowed' from Jim Blotter on Mars which had somehow found its way into her hands. Unfortunately, she wasn't a terribly good shot.
"AHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAH!!!" Nazrat bellowed, as he clutched a convenient vine and swung toward the ensemble. The Mighty HermAphrodite produced a similarly inexplicable pair of garden shears and s/he snipped off the offending foliage, causing Nazrat to crash into a tree. Mister Might peeled him off, and began a long, drawn out fight with him without the top half of his uniform on. Lightpower and Captain Swift looked at each other: "Sorry, are we supposed to find this homoerotic? Because you know, Clint definitely isn't. As for Nazrat, his persecution complex has to come from somewhere."
"Gee thanks, guys. Some help decking Nazzie here would come in handy."
Meanwhile, Bat Woman had found herself equally matched against Jane:
"Uhhh! Damn feminist characterisation upgrade! Trust it to give my opponent combat proficiency!"
"Look, we were doing quite nicely before you Freedom Brigaders interfered with this get-rich quick gig of ours. Right, I've had quite enough of this! At 'em, Captain Piecework and Jigsawer!!!"
Lightpower produced aerosol glue from his ubiquity belt and sprayed it at Jigsawer, locking him together in a peculiar configuration, but Captain Piecework evaded the convenient plot resolution device, snarled, and rushed toward the Freedom Brigade, his limbs flying off to encounter them as he uttered his magic word: "Split!"
Abruptly, a raygun appeared high above and a diminutive figure pulled its trigger. Itsybitsyman had the great satisfaction of destroying his opponent's right arm before the left one flyswatted him out of contention. Atom Fang severed his opponent's foot from the rest of his leg, but the foot flew up and hit him in his metal jaw, before trying to choke him. Dr Foot twiddled a few knobs on his Criminalitron 666 computer, causing the surviving limbs to go awry and then short circuit. As Captain Piecework's torso tried to leave, it was pummelled by Lady Liberty and Princess Power, while the Mighty HermAphrodite picked up the irate head:
"You appear to have no body left."
"How dare you! Put me down at once." Mister Might obliged, sending his flame vision into the android's artificial cerebellum, which obligingly shortcircuited.
"Damn it! I knew I should have taken off with Fantometta when I had the chance! Incompetent male lackeys..." Jane fumed as she was taken away by LAPD officers.
As for Nazrat, he blinked as he rose to his feet: "Wow, that was strangely stimulating."
"Oh. Nazrat appears to have acquired a perfect vocabulary and turned inexplicably gay."
"Hey, this loincloth is tacky. Added to which, I've lost my gymnastic capabilities when I received that blow on the head." But all turned out well. Nazrat entered the gay adult entertainment field and never had to wear a loincloth again. And moreover, he also profited from this revenue stream and became independently wealthy, not having to earn illicit capital from criminal endeavours. As for Jane, she became a ruthless queenpin in Slotham City, finding herself pitted against that Darknight Deviant, Badman. But that's a story for another day...
THE END
++
BEAVERLEY HEIGHTS:
"Waal, kitties! Look up thar, it's that there Nazrat of the Monkeys." Joad Clumpett whistled through his greying moustache.
"Out of the way, Melly A. The monkey man prefers older ladies!" Grammy Clumpett preened and combed back her grey hair, having put on her best Victorian era frock.
"It's no good, Grammy. Don't you remember? Nazrat decapitated Jethrene and abducted Cousin Purl, who has never been seen again."
"I'll go get mah rifle..." But as he said that, Joad Clumpett was set upon by a horde of brutal chimpanzees and torn limb from limb.
Oblivious to reality, Grammy Clumpett closed her eyes and pursed her lips. Abruptly, there was a blinding pulse of light and she dematerialised, for a teleport beam had taken her to distant Barflyme, where a Barflymian warlord with very little aesthetic taste passionately embraced her and made her one of his/her harem. Thanks to the intervention of Jim Blotter, Grammy outlived the rest of her family by millennia. Melly A gasped, and ran for her life. She made it because Nazrat lost interest in the Clumpetts abruptly, and held Joad's head high above the concrete pond. For the next three decades, she used the inherited Clumpett fortune to open an animal sanctuary- except for apes. She didn't care what happened to them, for obvious reasons.
GEOGRAPHICALLY DODGY AFRICAN JUNGLE, BORDERING LOS ANGELES:
As he returned to his treetop home, Jane came out and gratefully accepted the loot from the raid on the Clumpett mansion:
"Good. That's the Clumpetts dispatched. That means that they can join the Prufrocks of Southamsterton, the Duggles of Pooterville and Pantiwaist Junction, all obliterated."
"Why wife am poorly disposed toward them?"
"Ah, Nazrat, my husband. It's because a ruthless media corporation ordered a senseless, bloodthirsty purge of all rural properties on the basis that they were incredibly boring to metropolitan and suburban viewers, so they hired us to obliterate them completely. Nyahahahaha!!!"
"Jane am turned nicely evil."
"Oh Nazrat, dahling. Due to this dimensionally promiscuous jungle, we can launch raids on the colonies at will. And become extremely rich."
"Kiss me, wife." For yes, Nazrat and Jane were deeply in love, despite their carnage and mayhem.
FBUS SATELLITE:
Mr Might looked up from the Troubalert:
"Problems, everyone. It's our somewhat old enemy, Nazrat of the Monkeys."
"But it's been fifty years. I thought his son Krakhed had taken over the jungle." Mermaid said quizically.
"Precisely which jungle are we talkin' about here?" Black Vulcan asked.
"No-one quite knows. It used to be situated somewhere anonymous in Africa, but it's become even more geographically unhinged in recent years. Parts of it have been sighted near Los Angeles." Bat Woman replied.
"This should be easy. All Nazrat does is talk to monkeys, yodel a lot and swing around trees clad in a very scanty loincloth." Lady Liberty grinned, rubbing her hands in glee.
Mr Might sighed: "Actually, no, Dana. Nazrat may look like a grunting primitive but ripped guy with a limited vocabulary, but..."
"Hey, that's right. Hamish and I bumped into Krakhed in a San Fran gay bar. Apparently, he came out ages ago and it was rather incongruous for a thirtysomething to be called Girl, especially if he wasn't transgendered and intending to transition, so he left the jungle and is currently running a gay pawn shop, the Three Balls." Lightpower added.
"That's a weird segue, Dirk." Mermaid pointed out.
"But why is Nazrat so evil?" The Mighty Hermaphrodite asked the others.
"We think he and his family ended up on our Earth when One of Those Crises obliterated a hypothetical evil Earth called, for argument's sake, Earth T-1. On that world, the Edgar Rice Krispies mythos were literally true, except they're morally inverted. Consequently, Nazrat, Jane and the other Edgar Rice Krispie characters were hurled through the Bleed to our particular alternate universe. Don't ask me why our universe attracts so much flotsam and jetsam. Sorry, S. Mal. That doesn't apply to you."
Green Trashcan shrugged: "Well, Badman definitely qualifies as jetsam. Speaking of which, I have some portentous news." Background music thundered in the distance.
"Oh no! You don't mean-" Lady Liberty gasped.
"Yes, I'm afraid so, time for another arbitrary continuity patch. My smelloring has traced the trajectories of the two disjointoids who were transported here when Yet Another Crisis obliterated their own home Earths. Namely, Jigsawer and Captain Piecework. And coincidentally enough, their minds became unhinged during their long interdimensional transit. They too have turned completely and reprehensibly evil."
"I have a question, actually. Didn't Piecework have a rogues gallery of his own? Because if they survived and were also transposed through the multiverse, they might have been morally inverted in the other direction." The Patriot interjected.
"Of course! Good thinking, Jabez. Yes, that's... Itsybitsyman, Dr Foot, Atom Fang and Mr Neurotic!"
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Hey, those names sound suspiciously familiar. Not too familiar, mind, but pretty convergent."
"We haven't a moment to lose! To the teleport! Except for you, Jabez. Not after your disgraceful episode with Elephantissima, the ambassador from Pachyderm City."
PACHYDERM CITY:
"Yes, it's a sad story. Nazrat's foster parents, Cornplaster and Zeezee were friends of ours. They're very nice gorillas. According to Cornplaster, though, Nazrat started hanging around with chimpanzee hoodlums and picked up their antisocial behaviour. And then he made friends with Cheeto the Insane Trumpanzee Orangutan."
"Yes, we know. We had to pry him out of the Bright House after he lost the last election and the incoming president, Joe Boredom, realised that his predecessor had gone rabid and had to be removed with extreme prejudice." Mr Might nodded as they spoke to Sobertar, alpha elephantoid of the hidden civilisation of Pachyderm City, also lost somewhere anonymous in Africa.
"Where's Jabez these days?" Impossible as it may seem, Elephantissima, the former ambassador from Pachyderm City had sidled up to the Freedom Brigade.
"On the satellite, you greyskinned homewrecking floozy." Lady Liberty said icily, glaring at her former romantic rival.
"Sobertar, old friend, do you know anything about the dimensionally wobbly jungle in which Nazrat, Jane ad nauseum dwell?" Captain Swift inquired
"Outer Slobovia dumped some tachyon weapon fallout canisters there. Conveniently for those two, it scrambled their spatial location."
THAT INCONGRUOUS AFRICAN JUNGLE- AGAIN:
"Don't look!" Lightpower tried to step in the way of the sudden human remains, but he was too late.
"Oh, no. No. My old friend, Goober Piles USMC...a forelorn skeleton! Damn you, Nazrat!!!" Lady Liberty sobbed.
"What the hey is Nazrat doin', killing off these people from ancient sixties sitcoms?" Black Vulcan had sighted the major attribute that unified the deceased and everyone gasped:
"Oh, of course! Pierce, you're a genius! Yes, exactly- all of the people killed thus far are participants in sixties reality television programmes, even if the networks did market them as situation comedies at the time!" Princess Power said.
"Not so fast, you annoying do-gooder spoilsports!" Jane brandished a large volume blaster bazooka, 'borrowed' from Jim Blotter on Mars which had somehow found its way into her hands. Unfortunately, she wasn't a terribly good shot.
"AHYAHYAHYAHYAHYAH!!!" Nazrat bellowed, as he clutched a convenient vine and swung toward the ensemble. The Mighty HermAphrodite produced a similarly inexplicable pair of garden shears and s/he snipped off the offending foliage, causing Nazrat to crash into a tree. Mister Might peeled him off, and began a long, drawn out fight with him without the top half of his uniform on. Lightpower and Captain Swift looked at each other: "Sorry, are we supposed to find this homoerotic? Because you know, Clint definitely isn't. As for Nazrat, his persecution complex has to come from somewhere."
"Gee thanks, guys. Some help decking Nazzie here would come in handy."
Meanwhile, Bat Woman had found herself equally matched against Jane:
"Uhhh! Damn feminist characterisation upgrade! Trust it to give my opponent combat proficiency!"
"Look, we were doing quite nicely before you Freedom Brigaders interfered with this get-rich quick gig of ours. Right, I've had quite enough of this! At 'em, Captain Piecework and Jigsawer!!!"
Lightpower produced aerosol glue from his ubiquity belt and sprayed it at Jigsawer, locking him together in a peculiar configuration, but Captain Piecework evaded the convenient plot resolution device, snarled, and rushed toward the Freedom Brigade, his limbs flying off to encounter them as he uttered his magic word: "Split!"
Abruptly, a raygun appeared high above and a diminutive figure pulled its trigger. Itsybitsyman had the great satisfaction of destroying his opponent's right arm before the left one flyswatted him out of contention. Atom Fang severed his opponent's foot from the rest of his leg, but the foot flew up and hit him in his metal jaw, before trying to choke him. Dr Foot twiddled a few knobs on his Criminalitron 666 computer, causing the surviving limbs to go awry and then short circuit. As Captain Piecework's torso tried to leave, it was pummelled by Lady Liberty and Princess Power, while the Mighty HermAphrodite picked up the irate head:
"You appear to have no body left."
"How dare you! Put me down at once." Mister Might obliged, sending his flame vision into the android's artificial cerebellum, which obligingly shortcircuited.
"Damn it! I knew I should have taken off with Fantometta when I had the chance! Incompetent male lackeys..." Jane fumed as she was taken away by LAPD officers.
As for Nazrat, he blinked as he rose to his feet: "Wow, that was strangely stimulating."
"Oh. Nazrat appears to have acquired a perfect vocabulary and turned inexplicably gay."
"Hey, this loincloth is tacky. Added to which, I've lost my gymnastic capabilities when I received that blow on the head." But all turned out well. Nazrat entered the gay adult entertainment field and never had to wear a loincloth again. And moreover, he also profited from this revenue stream and became independently wealthy, not having to earn illicit capital from criminal endeavours. As for Jane, she became a ruthless queenpin in Slotham City, finding herself pitted against that Darknight Deviant, Badman. But that's a story for another day...
THE END