Post by redsycorax on Mar 3, 2021 2:21:33 GMT
Yes, it's time for Yet Another Crisis. Because it's that time of the year again.
EARTH-2011:
Jor-El, now thirty six feet tall, looked up from the distinctly dodgy spanking of his adult son Kal-El, and noticed the sky had turned crimson and was filled with violent antimatter storms. For some reason, the giant anomalous Kryptonian revenant ignored the ominous signs above and continued administering corporal punishment to the Butt of Steel, with inevitable consequences...
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-291:
Batman was using his impossibly large Bat Particle Beamer to fry the Yllans, interdimensional invaders who had wiped out the unjustly accused nonhominid Gruggs on their homeworld and then invaded that particular alternate Earth. As Robin was slowly being asphyxiated by an irate Yllan, Batman looked up to see vermilion skies and blinding white antimatter storms. But he wasn't good at multitasking and reasoned that his Earth needed to be protected from the interdimensional invasion first. And so, the entireity of Universe-291 disappeared in a gruesome hellstorm of particles and antiparticles due to his inability to make up his mind...
ZAP!!!!!!
EARTH-170:
"Oh, Solovar, whatever can that gigantic crimson hued doomsday skies and antimatter portend?"
"I don't know, Diana, but it doesn't look good."
"I must fly my invisible plane up there and try to protect Earth from it."
"It's pointless, Diana. It has already destroyed most of our universe and it lies even beyond your awesome capabilities."
"Oh, Solovar, to think of all of those years I wasted with those pissy sexist martinet Steve Whatsisname."
"My love, I want you to know I've treasured these last few years with you as a female gorilla. Kiss me..."
ZAP.
EARTH-218:
Larissa Lenox looked up, angrily:
"Oh crap!!! How am I going to spend all those trillion dollars from Superman's bigamy trial now?"
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-519:
"Batman!!! You've made an enormous boner!!!"
"This is no time for cheap double entendres, Joker. Those dark ruby skies and antimatter storm are about to erase our one-note world from existence."
"But don't you want to see my boner in response?"
"Not really, Joker."
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-K:
"Wonder Woman! We are under siege from an eerie transdimensional storm!" warbled the Ameoba Being
"Look, Amoeba Ma- er, Person - er Nonbinary Anachronism. Why do you still want my hand in interspecies marriage anyway? Even given this apocalypse?"
"I'm a pervert, Amazon. I reproduce ... sexually ... and I'm shunned by my people as a result. Admit it, I'm better for you than Steve Trifle."
"Yes, but that's not saying much. Oh, all right, Amoeba Nonbinary Person. I will marry you!"
"Oh, Wonder Woman! You've made me the happiest Gigantic Unicellular Organism in this cosmos!"
Just then, an angry majority of conservative US Supreme Court judges rushed up: "Oh no, you don't! You have a gender and that Amoeba being doesn't. And Shakira wants to sue you for that cheap rip off of her song in the original, Wonder Woman. You can't get married."
Wonder Woman sighed: "All of this seems rather academic, considering that apocalyptic..."
"What apocalypse? We only recognise orthodox conservative religious ones and this certainly isn't one of those!"
"Er, you mean that one?"
ZAP!!!!!!
EARTH-1275:
"Holy cosmic disaster, Batman!!! That ominous interdimensional ruddy hue to the skies above us and those blinding antimatter storms are going to destroy our world!"
A preacher popped up: "You see? You see? The day of wrath has descended upon us because the Caped Crusader was selfish and wanted to wear an awful zebra coloured outfit with magnetic properties!!! And the Almighty took offense at his bad dress sense!!!"
"Do you mind not criticising my fashion sense-" Batman said, before that universe ended before he could finish his sentence. And given his ghastly zebra coloured ensemble, perhaps it was just as well.
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH- 7891:
"Noirquik Bunny!!! Do you really hate existence so much that you'd destroy this whole cosmos because you're an evil psychotic megalomaniac lapinoid?"
"Yes, actually, Superman."
"Oh. Well, it's been fun. Lois. I must tell you I was secretly C-"
ZAP!!!!!!!
And with that, a small number of Earths were spared from the latest multiversal crisis, funnelled into a dimensional picket where they could continue to exist in relative security and peace.
Earth-55, the world of the Freedom Brigade of the United States...
Earth-158, the high-calorie world of Fatman, formerly Bobbin...
Earth-79, the world inhabited by Batqueen and Guido...
Earth-9767, the alternate Earth inhabited by the immortal Jerry (Ratman) Lewis and his associates Brawnhilda and Witch Kraft...
and Earth-Blue, the morose, incredibly angsty homeworld of the Melancholy Master of the Martial Arts, Sadman and his partner Sobbin, the Weeping Gorilla and a version of the Weeper.
EARTH-55:
"Wow, we've all been compressed into a pocket dimension. Five Earths. How unprecedented." Mr Might exclaimed.
"And for some reason, all of them have Batperson franchises. Which raises some interesting questions about the motivation for this massive destruction." Bat Woman said thoughtfully.
"Isn't it obvious? Some vastly powerful multiversal power got seriously annoyed at all of those utterly unfunny alternate Earths and decided to unilaterally erase them from existence on its own whim." The Eye sagely replied
"Er, what utterly unfunny alternate Earths with one-note comic interpretations? We alone appear to have been spared." Captain Swift noted, as the Transmatter Cube blazed suddenly in the corner:
"Batqueen. Are we glad to see you!"
"Same here, old friends. Oh, this is Ratman, apparently the chief superhero of one of the other surviving Earths, Earth-9767."
"Wait a minute. Aren't you Jerry Lewis underneath that mask?" Bat Woman interjected.
"I'm immortal on my Earth. Apparently, this is Fatman, the Corpulent Crimefighter who used to be Bobbin on his world, Earth-190. Fortunately, I managed to grab a matter compression truss off an exploding William Shatner as its universe combusted, otherwise the transmatter cube's weight setting would have been overwhelmed."
"And we are Sadman, Sobbin and the Weeping Gorilla, the mightiest superbeings on our world, Earth-Blue."
"What could have caused a calamity of this extent?" Bat Queen added.
"Possibly a beserk metacreative from Earth-33, they tend to wipe out the multiverse's various iterations for no apparent reason each year."
"Wait a minute. What's that ominous outline with the hairbun? Why, it's the late Cobweb Kid's relative, Aunt Mag Plucker!!!"
Puny humans. I am... THE AUNTIE MONITOR!!!
"Wow, that's some extremely large script. So, Aunt Mag turned evil after the Cobweb Kid died several Crises ago and turned into a vast, malignant interdimensional entity hellbent on cosmic devastation?" Batqueen expostulated.
"We're doomed! We're all going to die!" moaned the Weeping Gorilla, burying her head in her paws.
"So, she destroyed several unfunny Earths in the Dork Multiverse because she wanted to play literary critic?" Fatman said, looking up at the vast, stern elderly female figure.
"You have to admit, several of them were fairly one note." Bat Woman noted.
"But is that a good reason to have a parodic multiverse-spanning crisis and wipe out billions? Because some so-called humourous worlds were decidedly lame in origin and composition?" Witch Kraft debated with the others.
Let's see. One of you is a fusion of two fifties teenagers with names that were later evocative of lesbians and gay men. One of you is a giant Eye from a short-lived comics company. One of you is a cheap female Batman ripoff in a bargain basement outfit based on a Z Grade movie. Several of you are cheap imitations of Green Arrow, Green Lantern, the Flash, Wonder Woman, Superman and Lori Lemaris and Uncle Sam. with a backup spare Wonder Woman just in case. And what's with all the other Batman homonyms?
"Who are you calling a cheap Batman rip off, especially given you're plainly based on that webslinger's aunt from another universe?" Ratman objected.
"And who are you calling homonyms? What about my relationship with Feliona?" Fatman quavered.
"Is it a particularly good idea to rag an insanely powerful being like that? I remember reading what happened to that Earth-One version of me, the Dash. He got when he destroyed an anti-matter cannon." Captain Swift said nervously.
"Ah, but we can't re-enact that crisis, though, Billy. For one thing, I have no female cousin like Superduperman did."
Abruptly, the Freedom Brigade teleport activated:
"Badman? How did you get access to our confidential teleport code?"
"Look, I am the Darknight Deviant and supergenius, remember? Anyhow, this is obviously a parody of Crisis on Indecipherable Earths or whatever it was called, which reduced the number of Earths down to one, and was then arbitarily reversed because the single universe idea didn't work out."
"So, what you're saying is, it'll be Earth-55 alone at the end of all this?"
"Or Earth-79."
"Earth-9767."
"Earth-158"
Sadman moaned: "I just know Earth-Blue won't survive this Crisis."
"Hmmm," said Ratman, fiipping through a copy of Crisis on Infinite Earths that had somehow slipped through a bleedspace portal and had ended up serendipitously on Earth-55, "this "Aunty Monitor" seems to be an awful lot like the 'Anti-Monitor' depicted here. In which case, we should really read ahead to see what happens... okay, numerous characters get killed off... female superhuman... speedster... all Earths merge into one...more characters die...plot tidying up type details... single Earth remains."
"Oh man, not again," groaned Black Vulcan, "I died in one of the last multiversal crises."
"Wait a minute," Bat Woman replied,"I think you may be onto something there, Pierce. It's not the first time this has happened to Earth-55. And we've managed to survive this."
Badman rolled his eyes: "Well, duh! Yes, of course we have! Although we were originally apparently located on several different Earths beforehand. Green Trashcan, Lightpower and I come from the same original Earth, which was a barely coherent Charlton Comics parody of the Justice League, Bat Woman was originally the subject of an awful movie that ripped off the Bat archetrope, our offspring the Superior Five were actually the lead characters after our retirement, and the Mighty HermAphrodite is a fusion of two double entendre names in their secret identity. The only one who independently came from an alternate universe is The Eye."
"Hang on, didn't the Aunty Monitor say just that a few paragraphs ago?"
"Shouldn't we travel to our Earths to prevent them from being overwhelmed by the Aunty Monitor?"
"Yes, let's do that."
EARTH-79:
"Where's Europe?" Bat Woman asked.
"It was submerged by one of my rogues gallery, the Niggler, who's fanatically opposed to the very concept of Europe. When he lost the Europegoaway referendum back in 2015, he decided to act unilaterally and deep six it."
"What, without causing massive tidal waves and causing the inundation of Britain's major coastal and adjacent inland cities?"
"Hahahhaha! Yes, Batqueen! I see that some tacky and strange superhumans have accompanied you here, but it will avail you naught! With Europe out of the way, Eurosepticism can destroy the United Kingdom with all sorts of ridiculous anachronisms under the rubric of 'British tradition.' And look who I have with me!" The Niggler produced a very familiar figure indeed. For yes, as the reader may already have guessed, it was: "The Queen?"
"Batqueen, I know this will be hard for you to accept, but our Queen Elizabeth II is a megalomaniac supercriminal. She's behind rock and roll, bad science fiction novels, drugs, environmental protection groups and rules our Britain tyranically."
"Yes, this rawther kitsch chap over here made me an offer I couldn't refuse and so I dimension hopped over here. Incidentally, my Royal Blue Submarine is loaded with particle beams, lasers and all sorts of other superweaponry, Freedom Brigade, so don't even think about trying anything. Excuse me while I polish orf the Niggler here..."
"What? Arrgh!!!!" The Niggler abruptly plummeted to his death after the Queen hit him with a sceptre:
"Oh, that was fun! Which leaves me to try to dominate this Earth on my own."
"Queen Elizabeth II, how could you take advantage of this multiversal tragedy for your own sinister ends?"
"Quite easily. As you accurately observed a few paragraphs ago, Bat Woman, I am a megalomaniac supercriminal. And I think Batqueen here might actually prefer a rogues gallery who aren't metahuman versions of British centre-right politicians elsewhere in the multiverse."
"But Your Majesty, how did you become so diabolically malignant in their universe?"
"Simply becawse on Earth-55, all of the ridiculous conspiracy theories from elsewhere in the multiverse about one's House of Windsor are actually completely true. So I have an evil reputation to live up to."
"B-but I'm a loyal Briton! How can I possibly fight HRH?!" Batqueen gasped.
"You never had any problem when it was The Thatcher." Lady Liberty pointed out.
"Yes, but she was a megalomaniac supercriminal. I realise that apparently she was a politician elsewhere, but that's never been the case here."
"You know, Batqueen, I'm starting to like you, actually. I never had any time for that screeching would-be valkyrie in Downing Street back on one's home Earth and I was glad when she tried to trigger a zombie apocalypse in 1990 back home rather than relinquish her power as Prime Minister. We had a shoot out with one's heavy artillery in Downing Street which could only have one outcome."
"You mean you actively opposed your Thatcher as well, HRH?" Batqueen was visibly starting to weaken, with continuity being shamelessly manipulated in order to play on his achilles high heel...an anachronistic dislike for a particularly awful past British Prime Minister on some Earths and ruthless supervillain on others.
"Wake up! She's obviously a pawn for the Aunty Monitor!" Lavendar Tornado (formerly one of Batqueen's endless number of Guidos) hissed.
EARTH 9767:
"Can't say much for the surrounding decor." Badman said, scowling.
"Stop nagging, Brian. I know we have to put up with you being on the same side for once, but remember, you're barely tolerated here." Captain Swift retorted.
"Welcome to our world!" Brawnhilda responded.
"So, why do you let Lewis hog top billing?" Princess Power asked Ratman's associates.
"We don't. I mean, look at him. If it weren't for us, he'd be weighed down by that Futility Belt of his and never make it to crime scenes. Not that we have that many supervillains here."
"Oh, you're so lucky. For some reason, we get more than our fair share." Lady Liberty responded, but then, a shadow fell across them:
"The Aunty Monitor?"
"Hahahahaha! Oh Ratman, have you forgotten I, Rubber Yukio, who broke up the Oliver Twists, and my equally crooked husband Tom Glennan?"
"What? Your arch enemy is a bad Beatles rip off?"
"What's a beetle?" Ratman asked.
"Ah. Obviously a parallel universe version of our Oliver Twisters. It's a sad story. No, really it is. Saul Cartwright was the creative genius of the Olivers, but he got undeaded by Yukio here and Saul's no good rival Tom. And with the more obscure other two Olivers out of the way, Glennan and his crooked wife inherited the loot from their back albums." Witch Kraft said.
Princess Power, Lady Liberty and Badman looked at each other:
"Wow. Even we wouldn't do that tacky a Beatles parody."
"Look, this is an extremely dull alternate world. It seems to have not undergone Watergate, the 1973 oil shock, 1987 or 2008 stock market crashes and recessions that happened back home. Gack. So pure, so innocent." Badman grimaced.
"Regardless of our opinions, this Yukio NoNo appears to be totally evil and corrupt, even if she's a badly written parody of Yoko Ono, invested with all the malice and greed that disgruntled Beatles fans bitter at the band's breakup attributed to her."
BLATTTT!
"Oh dear. I appear to have unintentionally obliterated Ratman, Witch Kraft and Brawnhilda as well as Yukio in that sound effect. Ah well. TS."
"But who are you, extremely angry looking sixteen year old girl wielding an outsized murderdeathkill blasterzooka with an elderly woman in tow?"
"Yukio. Oh, Yukio, me love... Right, you. Wait until this Crisis is over and I come back impossibly powerful and vengeful because I've been..."
BLATTTT!
"Arrrrghhhhh!!! Oh, you evil..." Tom Glennan slumped to the ground dead, in order to prevent a tedious sequel.
"That's for killing off Saul and for marrying a miserable no-talent wife who split up the Olivers, manbiotch. Anyhoo. I'm Nikki Smith and this is my grandmother Nadine Rorty."
"Well, Nikki and Rorty, thank you for that needless but convenient display of violence and bloodshed. At least this means that Earth-9767 is safe and that the Aunty Monitor has been defeated."
EARTH-158:
Fatman motioned out at the world around him: "Welcome to my world."
"Is everyone as full-figured as you are here, Fatman?" Mighty HermAphrodite asked.
"Yes. Oh dear- our arch enemy the Jerker, possibly the oldest person on this world."
"Hahahahahaha ha. Yes, Fatman!! As you can see, in your absence, I have taken over our world and forced all of its inhabitants to diet!"
"You fiend! Our anatomies weren't built for that sort of exertion, I...oh. They look healthier, slimmer and their life expectancy has increased. Oh. What's going on? I'm starting to fade away and so is the world around us..."
Well, that's what you get for being a one-note Batman parody based on body negativity, chum. Fa la la la, Fatman!
"Aunty Monitor, how could you? You've obliterated a whole world on the basis of being a one-note Batman parody! Hundreds of thousands will die!
With a meme as feeble as that, it didn't deserve to exist for much longer. Anyhow, your plotline will be much simpler with only three Earths to deal with.
"Wait a minute," Green Trashcan said as they faded away, back to Earth-55, "what about Earth-Blue?"
Earth-Blue actually had a relatively sophisticated origin and could be utilised elsewhere, so just then, a massive Authorial space/time warp funnelled that Earth and its surrounding universe out of harm's way.
Hey, wait a minute! As the current omniversal menace in this story, I object strenuously to that last plot device.
Oh, tough. I'm the Author of this story, and what I write, goes.
That is needlessly deus ex machina. I will now obliterate the surviving three Earths just because I can do so...
And with that, Aunty Monitor overtaxed her powers and collapsed into a black hole so I can use these font effects to depict her downfall.
Aaaaaaaa aaaaaa rrrrrrr gggggggg hhhhh nooooooo oooo * blip
And with that, the dork multiversal crisis was over, leaving the three surviving Earths, Earth-55, Earth-9767 and Earth-79 interconnected within a pocket dimension. And three years later, Ratman, Witch Kraft and Brawnehilda were all resurrected in Oh No Not Another Crisis so they were able to divide Earth-9767 up peacefully, more or less, which meant Nikki was blissfully happy blowing things up and killing people in her area, accompanied by her incredibly reluctant and long-suffering grandmother.
Postscript:
EARTH-79, SEPTEMBER 8, 2022:
"Awp!!!"
"Oh dear. Mumsy? Oh well, that had to happen some time. Right, The Firm. I am now Queen Charles III. No, sorry, force of habit. King Charles III. I promise to take care of our reputation for avarice, corruption, malevolence and sheer profiteering. And this anthropooid is my spouse, Queen Camilla The Gorilla."
"Ook!"
"There's too much onomatopoeia going on here!"
THE END
EARTH-2011:
Jor-El, now thirty six feet tall, looked up from the distinctly dodgy spanking of his adult son Kal-El, and noticed the sky had turned crimson and was filled with violent antimatter storms. For some reason, the giant anomalous Kryptonian revenant ignored the ominous signs above and continued administering corporal punishment to the Butt of Steel, with inevitable consequences...
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-291:
Batman was using his impossibly large Bat Particle Beamer to fry the Yllans, interdimensional invaders who had wiped out the unjustly accused nonhominid Gruggs on their homeworld and then invaded that particular alternate Earth. As Robin was slowly being asphyxiated by an irate Yllan, Batman looked up to see vermilion skies and blinding white antimatter storms. But he wasn't good at multitasking and reasoned that his Earth needed to be protected from the interdimensional invasion first. And so, the entireity of Universe-291 disappeared in a gruesome hellstorm of particles and antiparticles due to his inability to make up his mind...
ZAP!!!!!!
EARTH-170:
"Oh, Solovar, whatever can that gigantic crimson hued doomsday skies and antimatter portend?"
"I don't know, Diana, but it doesn't look good."
"I must fly my invisible plane up there and try to protect Earth from it."
"It's pointless, Diana. It has already destroyed most of our universe and it lies even beyond your awesome capabilities."
"Oh, Solovar, to think of all of those years I wasted with those pissy sexist martinet Steve Whatsisname."
"My love, I want you to know I've treasured these last few years with you as a female gorilla. Kiss me..."
ZAP.
EARTH-218:
Larissa Lenox looked up, angrily:
"Oh crap!!! How am I going to spend all those trillion dollars from Superman's bigamy trial now?"
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-519:
"Batman!!! You've made an enormous boner!!!"
"This is no time for cheap double entendres, Joker. Those dark ruby skies and antimatter storm are about to erase our one-note world from existence."
"But don't you want to see my boner in response?"
"Not really, Joker."
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH-K:
"Wonder Woman! We are under siege from an eerie transdimensional storm!" warbled the Ameoba Being
"Look, Amoeba Ma- er, Person - er Nonbinary Anachronism. Why do you still want my hand in interspecies marriage anyway? Even given this apocalypse?"
"I'm a pervert, Amazon. I reproduce ... sexually ... and I'm shunned by my people as a result. Admit it, I'm better for you than Steve Trifle."
"Yes, but that's not saying much. Oh, all right, Amoeba Nonbinary Person. I will marry you!"
"Oh, Wonder Woman! You've made me the happiest Gigantic Unicellular Organism in this cosmos!"
Just then, an angry majority of conservative US Supreme Court judges rushed up: "Oh no, you don't! You have a gender and that Amoeba being doesn't. And Shakira wants to sue you for that cheap rip off of her song in the original, Wonder Woman. You can't get married."
Wonder Woman sighed: "All of this seems rather academic, considering that apocalyptic..."
"What apocalypse? We only recognise orthodox conservative religious ones and this certainly isn't one of those!"
"Er, you mean that one?"
ZAP!!!!!!
EARTH-1275:
"Holy cosmic disaster, Batman!!! That ominous interdimensional ruddy hue to the skies above us and those blinding antimatter storms are going to destroy our world!"
A preacher popped up: "You see? You see? The day of wrath has descended upon us because the Caped Crusader was selfish and wanted to wear an awful zebra coloured outfit with magnetic properties!!! And the Almighty took offense at his bad dress sense!!!"
"Do you mind not criticising my fashion sense-" Batman said, before that universe ended before he could finish his sentence. And given his ghastly zebra coloured ensemble, perhaps it was just as well.
ZAP!!!!!
EARTH- 7891:
"Noirquik Bunny!!! Do you really hate existence so much that you'd destroy this whole cosmos because you're an evil psychotic megalomaniac lapinoid?"
"Yes, actually, Superman."
"Oh. Well, it's been fun. Lois. I must tell you I was secretly C-"
ZAP!!!!!!!
And with that, a small number of Earths were spared from the latest multiversal crisis, funnelled into a dimensional picket where they could continue to exist in relative security and peace.
Earth-55, the world of the Freedom Brigade of the United States...
Earth-158, the high-calorie world of Fatman, formerly Bobbin...
Earth-79, the world inhabited by Batqueen and Guido...
Earth-9767, the alternate Earth inhabited by the immortal Jerry (Ratman) Lewis and his associates Brawnhilda and Witch Kraft...
and Earth-Blue, the morose, incredibly angsty homeworld of the Melancholy Master of the Martial Arts, Sadman and his partner Sobbin, the Weeping Gorilla and a version of the Weeper.
EARTH-55:
"Wow, we've all been compressed into a pocket dimension. Five Earths. How unprecedented." Mr Might exclaimed.
"And for some reason, all of them have Batperson franchises. Which raises some interesting questions about the motivation for this massive destruction." Bat Woman said thoughtfully.
"Isn't it obvious? Some vastly powerful multiversal power got seriously annoyed at all of those utterly unfunny alternate Earths and decided to unilaterally erase them from existence on its own whim." The Eye sagely replied
"Er, what utterly unfunny alternate Earths with one-note comic interpretations? We alone appear to have been spared." Captain Swift noted, as the Transmatter Cube blazed suddenly in the corner:
"Batqueen. Are we glad to see you!"
"Same here, old friends. Oh, this is Ratman, apparently the chief superhero of one of the other surviving Earths, Earth-9767."
"Wait a minute. Aren't you Jerry Lewis underneath that mask?" Bat Woman interjected.
"I'm immortal on my Earth. Apparently, this is Fatman, the Corpulent Crimefighter who used to be Bobbin on his world, Earth-190. Fortunately, I managed to grab a matter compression truss off an exploding William Shatner as its universe combusted, otherwise the transmatter cube's weight setting would have been overwhelmed."
"And we are Sadman, Sobbin and the Weeping Gorilla, the mightiest superbeings on our world, Earth-Blue."
"What could have caused a calamity of this extent?" Bat Queen added.
"Possibly a beserk metacreative from Earth-33, they tend to wipe out the multiverse's various iterations for no apparent reason each year."
"Wait a minute. What's that ominous outline with the hairbun? Why, it's the late Cobweb Kid's relative, Aunt Mag Plucker!!!"
Puny humans. I am... THE AUNTIE MONITOR!!!
"Wow, that's some extremely large script. So, Aunt Mag turned evil after the Cobweb Kid died several Crises ago and turned into a vast, malignant interdimensional entity hellbent on cosmic devastation?" Batqueen expostulated.
"We're doomed! We're all going to die!" moaned the Weeping Gorilla, burying her head in her paws.
"So, she destroyed several unfunny Earths in the Dork Multiverse because she wanted to play literary critic?" Fatman said, looking up at the vast, stern elderly female figure.
"You have to admit, several of them were fairly one note." Bat Woman noted.
"But is that a good reason to have a parodic multiverse-spanning crisis and wipe out billions? Because some so-called humourous worlds were decidedly lame in origin and composition?" Witch Kraft debated with the others.
Let's see. One of you is a fusion of two fifties teenagers with names that were later evocative of lesbians and gay men. One of you is a giant Eye from a short-lived comics company. One of you is a cheap female Batman ripoff in a bargain basement outfit based on a Z Grade movie. Several of you are cheap imitations of Green Arrow, Green Lantern, the Flash, Wonder Woman, Superman and Lori Lemaris and Uncle Sam. with a backup spare Wonder Woman just in case. And what's with all the other Batman homonyms?
"Who are you calling a cheap Batman rip off, especially given you're plainly based on that webslinger's aunt from another universe?" Ratman objected.
"And who are you calling homonyms? What about my relationship with Feliona?" Fatman quavered.
"Is it a particularly good idea to rag an insanely powerful being like that? I remember reading what happened to that Earth-One version of me, the Dash. He got when he destroyed an anti-matter cannon." Captain Swift said nervously.
"Ah, but we can't re-enact that crisis, though, Billy. For one thing, I have no female cousin like Superduperman did."
Abruptly, the Freedom Brigade teleport activated:
"Badman? How did you get access to our confidential teleport code?"
"Look, I am the Darknight Deviant and supergenius, remember? Anyhow, this is obviously a parody of Crisis on Indecipherable Earths or whatever it was called, which reduced the number of Earths down to one, and was then arbitarily reversed because the single universe idea didn't work out."
"So, what you're saying is, it'll be Earth-55 alone at the end of all this?"
"Or Earth-79."
"Earth-9767."
"Earth-158"
Sadman moaned: "I just know Earth-Blue won't survive this Crisis."
"Hmmm," said Ratman, fiipping through a copy of Crisis on Infinite Earths that had somehow slipped through a bleedspace portal and had ended up serendipitously on Earth-55, "this "Aunty Monitor" seems to be an awful lot like the 'Anti-Monitor' depicted here. In which case, we should really read ahead to see what happens... okay, numerous characters get killed off... female superhuman... speedster... all Earths merge into one...more characters die...plot tidying up type details... single Earth remains."
"Oh man, not again," groaned Black Vulcan, "I died in one of the last multiversal crises."
"Wait a minute," Bat Woman replied,"I think you may be onto something there, Pierce. It's not the first time this has happened to Earth-55. And we've managed to survive this."
Badman rolled his eyes: "Well, duh! Yes, of course we have! Although we were originally apparently located on several different Earths beforehand. Green Trashcan, Lightpower and I come from the same original Earth, which was a barely coherent Charlton Comics parody of the Justice League, Bat Woman was originally the subject of an awful movie that ripped off the Bat archetrope, our offspring the Superior Five were actually the lead characters after our retirement, and the Mighty HermAphrodite is a fusion of two double entendre names in their secret identity. The only one who independently came from an alternate universe is The Eye."
"Hang on, didn't the Aunty Monitor say just that a few paragraphs ago?"
"Shouldn't we travel to our Earths to prevent them from being overwhelmed by the Aunty Monitor?"
"Yes, let's do that."
EARTH-79:
"Where's Europe?" Bat Woman asked.
"It was submerged by one of my rogues gallery, the Niggler, who's fanatically opposed to the very concept of Europe. When he lost the Europegoaway referendum back in 2015, he decided to act unilaterally and deep six it."
"What, without causing massive tidal waves and causing the inundation of Britain's major coastal and adjacent inland cities?"
"Hahahhaha! Yes, Batqueen! I see that some tacky and strange superhumans have accompanied you here, but it will avail you naught! With Europe out of the way, Eurosepticism can destroy the United Kingdom with all sorts of ridiculous anachronisms under the rubric of 'British tradition.' And look who I have with me!" The Niggler produced a very familiar figure indeed. For yes, as the reader may already have guessed, it was: "The Queen?"
"Batqueen, I know this will be hard for you to accept, but our Queen Elizabeth II is a megalomaniac supercriminal. She's behind rock and roll, bad science fiction novels, drugs, environmental protection groups and rules our Britain tyranically."
"Yes, this rawther kitsch chap over here made me an offer I couldn't refuse and so I dimension hopped over here. Incidentally, my Royal Blue Submarine is loaded with particle beams, lasers and all sorts of other superweaponry, Freedom Brigade, so don't even think about trying anything. Excuse me while I polish orf the Niggler here..."
"What? Arrgh!!!!" The Niggler abruptly plummeted to his death after the Queen hit him with a sceptre:
"Oh, that was fun! Which leaves me to try to dominate this Earth on my own."
"Queen Elizabeth II, how could you take advantage of this multiversal tragedy for your own sinister ends?"
"Quite easily. As you accurately observed a few paragraphs ago, Bat Woman, I am a megalomaniac supercriminal. And I think Batqueen here might actually prefer a rogues gallery who aren't metahuman versions of British centre-right politicians elsewhere in the multiverse."
"But Your Majesty, how did you become so diabolically malignant in their universe?"
"Simply becawse on Earth-55, all of the ridiculous conspiracy theories from elsewhere in the multiverse about one's House of Windsor are actually completely true. So I have an evil reputation to live up to."
"B-but I'm a loyal Briton! How can I possibly fight HRH?!" Batqueen gasped.
"You never had any problem when it was The Thatcher." Lady Liberty pointed out.
"Yes, but she was a megalomaniac supercriminal. I realise that apparently she was a politician elsewhere, but that's never been the case here."
"You know, Batqueen, I'm starting to like you, actually. I never had any time for that screeching would-be valkyrie in Downing Street back on one's home Earth and I was glad when she tried to trigger a zombie apocalypse in 1990 back home rather than relinquish her power as Prime Minister. We had a shoot out with one's heavy artillery in Downing Street which could only have one outcome."
"You mean you actively opposed your Thatcher as well, HRH?" Batqueen was visibly starting to weaken, with continuity being shamelessly manipulated in order to play on his achilles high heel...an anachronistic dislike for a particularly awful past British Prime Minister on some Earths and ruthless supervillain on others.
"Wake up! She's obviously a pawn for the Aunty Monitor!" Lavendar Tornado (formerly one of Batqueen's endless number of Guidos) hissed.
EARTH 9767:
"Can't say much for the surrounding decor." Badman said, scowling.
"Stop nagging, Brian. I know we have to put up with you being on the same side for once, but remember, you're barely tolerated here." Captain Swift retorted.
"Welcome to our world!" Brawnhilda responded.
"So, why do you let Lewis hog top billing?" Princess Power asked Ratman's associates.
"We don't. I mean, look at him. If it weren't for us, he'd be weighed down by that Futility Belt of his and never make it to crime scenes. Not that we have that many supervillains here."
"Oh, you're so lucky. For some reason, we get more than our fair share." Lady Liberty responded, but then, a shadow fell across them:
"The Aunty Monitor?"
"Hahahahaha! Oh Ratman, have you forgotten I, Rubber Yukio, who broke up the Oliver Twists, and my equally crooked husband Tom Glennan?"
"What? Your arch enemy is a bad Beatles rip off?"
"What's a beetle?" Ratman asked.
"Ah. Obviously a parallel universe version of our Oliver Twisters. It's a sad story. No, really it is. Saul Cartwright was the creative genius of the Olivers, but he got undeaded by Yukio here and Saul's no good rival Tom. And with the more obscure other two Olivers out of the way, Glennan and his crooked wife inherited the loot from their back albums." Witch Kraft said.
Princess Power, Lady Liberty and Badman looked at each other:
"Wow. Even we wouldn't do that tacky a Beatles parody."
"Look, this is an extremely dull alternate world. It seems to have not undergone Watergate, the 1973 oil shock, 1987 or 2008 stock market crashes and recessions that happened back home. Gack. So pure, so innocent." Badman grimaced.
"Regardless of our opinions, this Yukio NoNo appears to be totally evil and corrupt, even if she's a badly written parody of Yoko Ono, invested with all the malice and greed that disgruntled Beatles fans bitter at the band's breakup attributed to her."
BLATTTT!
"Oh dear. I appear to have unintentionally obliterated Ratman, Witch Kraft and Brawnhilda as well as Yukio in that sound effect. Ah well. TS."
"But who are you, extremely angry looking sixteen year old girl wielding an outsized murderdeathkill blasterzooka with an elderly woman in tow?"
"Yukio. Oh, Yukio, me love... Right, you. Wait until this Crisis is over and I come back impossibly powerful and vengeful because I've been..."
BLATTTT!
"Arrrrghhhhh!!! Oh, you evil..." Tom Glennan slumped to the ground dead, in order to prevent a tedious sequel.
"That's for killing off Saul and for marrying a miserable no-talent wife who split up the Olivers, manbiotch. Anyhoo. I'm Nikki Smith and this is my grandmother Nadine Rorty."
"Well, Nikki and Rorty, thank you for that needless but convenient display of violence and bloodshed. At least this means that Earth-9767 is safe and that the Aunty Monitor has been defeated."
EARTH-158:
Fatman motioned out at the world around him: "Welcome to my world."
"Is everyone as full-figured as you are here, Fatman?" Mighty HermAphrodite asked.
"Yes. Oh dear- our arch enemy the Jerker, possibly the oldest person on this world."
"Hahahahahaha ha. Yes, Fatman!! As you can see, in your absence, I have taken over our world and forced all of its inhabitants to diet!"
"You fiend! Our anatomies weren't built for that sort of exertion, I...oh. They look healthier, slimmer and their life expectancy has increased. Oh. What's going on? I'm starting to fade away and so is the world around us..."
Well, that's what you get for being a one-note Batman parody based on body negativity, chum. Fa la la la, Fatman!
"Aunty Monitor, how could you? You've obliterated a whole world on the basis of being a one-note Batman parody! Hundreds of thousands will die!
With a meme as feeble as that, it didn't deserve to exist for much longer. Anyhow, your plotline will be much simpler with only three Earths to deal with.
"Wait a minute," Green Trashcan said as they faded away, back to Earth-55, "what about Earth-Blue?"
Earth-Blue actually had a relatively sophisticated origin and could be utilised elsewhere, so just then, a massive Authorial space/time warp funnelled that Earth and its surrounding universe out of harm's way.
Hey, wait a minute! As the current omniversal menace in this story, I object strenuously to that last plot device.
Oh, tough. I'm the Author of this story, and what I write, goes.
That is needlessly deus ex machina. I will now obliterate the surviving three Earths just because I can do so...
And with that, Aunty Monitor overtaxed her powers and collapsed into a black hole so I can use these font effects to depict her downfall.
Aaaaaaaa aaaaaa rrrrrrr gggggggg hhhhh nooooooo oooo * blip
And with that, the dork multiversal crisis was over, leaving the three surviving Earths, Earth-55, Earth-9767 and Earth-79 interconnected within a pocket dimension. And three years later, Ratman, Witch Kraft and Brawnehilda were all resurrected in Oh No Not Another Crisis so they were able to divide Earth-9767 up peacefully, more or less, which meant Nikki was blissfully happy blowing things up and killing people in her area, accompanied by her incredibly reluctant and long-suffering grandmother.
Postscript:
EARTH-79, SEPTEMBER 8, 2022:
"Awp!!!"
"Oh dear. Mumsy? Oh well, that had to happen some time. Right, The Firm. I am now Queen Charles III. No, sorry, force of habit. King Charles III. I promise to take care of our reputation for avarice, corruption, malevolence and sheer profiteering. And this anthropooid is my spouse, Queen Camilla The Gorilla."
"Ook!"
"There's too much onomatopoeia going on here!"
THE END