Post by redsycorax on May 9, 2024 1:40:22 GMT
Is there no far out space menace that won't besiege our beloved Freedom Brigade? Right, that does it! I told you narratophages not to infest these headers! Take THAT!!!
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PROLAPSE:
The threat of runaway flatulence continues slowly to contaminate Earth's atmosphere with heinous amounts of methane. This is of grave concern to all the people of Earth. Much of this methane escapes our atmosphere and is therefore poisoning the distant reaches of outer space. One day, it is possible that such worlds as the planet Bendus in the galaxy of Chad may become uninhabitable due to the horrific stench. The High Council of Bendus... hey wait a minute, they're actually the aliens who couldn't stand the awful sixties pulp author William S. Burrows. And so, let us return to these incongruously outfitted giant chesspieces, robots and starfish who are gesticulating furiously, because the costume budget didn't run to mouthpieces, whose existence is threatened by the possible mass nausea on Earth caused by uncontrolled flatulence, which would devastate that corner of the universe. Don't ask me why Saturn is overhead, swaying strangely. The scientists of Bendus have created their own superpower endowed android, named Proton Man, who can fly through space and is conveniently invulnerable.
TODAYNESS:
The Freedom Brigade were lounging around in their satellite when they heard shocked gasps and cries of panic as horrific clouds of runaway methane engulfed an aircraft:
"What's this? Who's that strange creature flying transparently?"
"And where did that annoying horde of small Japanese boys come from? And the nun?" Princess Power frowned.
"I think we're going to have a horrific misunderstanding unless we resolve this business with the flying humanoid." Mr Might said, accelerating out the airlock.
"WOWGOLLYGEEWHILLICKERS!!! It's the Freedom Brigade!"
"Listen, you interchangeable group of small Japanese boys. I don't know where you came from, but please, stay to one side while we get on with the episode..."
"Princess Power! Mister Might! Mermaid! Mighty HermAphrodite! But where are the enervating beeping robots? There has to be an enervating beeping robot!!!"
"No, there aren't. Bat Woman?"
"Oh no, it's happening again! We're caught in a characterisation and continuity warp based on the assumption that only sub-adolescents could possibly be superhero fans. Hey, wait a minute! You're so interchangeable, it's ridiculous! Who are your parents?"
"We don't have any. Ooops."
"I thought so! Turn on the pressure hoses. They're just animatodes! Interlopers who turn up to pad up unneccessarily prolonged narrative arcs." The wailing interchangeable small Japanese boy replicas melted into a garish multicoloured slush pile.
SKY TWELVE:
Why aren't these subtitles making any sense? Oh, never mind. Anyhow, several kilometres away, Proton Man whizzed through the sky, intent on locating the source of Earth's runaway flatulence:
"Oi! Strangely alien costumed being who flies at vast speeds and is invulnerable, rather like a certain character whose name we can' t repeat because that company's so litigious! Look down here!"
Proton Man gasped: "You! You hideous wizened bald creature in a loincloth, with the impossible wrinkled face, googly eyes, and for whom there is no life for several thousand kilometres around! Who are you?"
"I am Asphyxion the Incontinent! Hahahahhahhahahaa! Ha! Yes, Proton Man! With my super power of accelerated methane production, I will nauseate the entire cosmos!! They will lose the will to resist and succumb to my rule! Hahahahhahahahahaha! Ha! Ha!"
"No! For I have been sent from the far out planet Bendus to master you and make you cease this wanton naughtiness! I will zap you with my destructo-vision!"
As the duel of badly uniformed alien contenders began, Mr Might arrived:
"Asphyxion the Incontinent, Stench King of Space!! And you, friend, are you the mysterious intruder from a far out galaxy sent to frustrate his runaway methane production?"
"Yes, Mr Might, for I have the ability of a trillion planets that will banish this odiferous oppressor to a place where he will never pollute this planet again!"
"That's just hyperbole. Frankly, this whole adventure is in terribly bad taste and even worse odour. The Freedom Brigade has contacted Wrigleyanus, the filthiest planet in the cosmos, a 'dirty Uranus', and they're going to take Asphyxion here into custody!"
"Awp!"
"Asphyxion, it's all over. Your lifestyle is a failure, your methane emissions too extreme. I'm your new overlord, we return to Wrigleyanus. Prepare the matter transporter beam!"
"From the time I went away... goodbye was all I had to say... cards of swallows, cards for the insane...I've got... sleep particles in my eyes and I realise... I'm going home! I'm going home!! I'm...going...home!!!"
"Actually, no. Your methane emissions are beyond the tolerance of all intelligent life. We'll just zap you into the Nuisance Zone with our Atomic Protractors from Space, into another dimension where well-secluded, you can see all, but no-one can smell you. " As the eldritch transdimensional incarceration ray blazed, Aphyxion screeched, until fading away completely. As the Wrigleyanusians teleported away, Mister Might was puzzled:
"I'm coming back. It looks like that alien guy was going to tackle the other methane emitting alien, but the methane emitting alien's own species took mercy on us and sent Asphyxion into a prison dimension. I'm not sure what the interloping alien superhero was doing here, but he's heading back into the wild black yonder and it looks like the same congress of cheap alien giant chesspieces with no mouths and wildly gesticulating arms, standing giant starfish with halos and robots from our encounter with William. S. Burrows were responsible. Oh, and for some reason, a giant Saturn is swaying in the background behind them."
"I've just tallied up the scientific inaccuracies in this episode and they're not pretty. Blatant disregard for interstellar distances, weird beliefs that our atmosphere somehow permeates the entire universe, and Saturns being where they shouldn't be. Clint, I'm worried. This episode was one of the worst yet, both budgetarily and in terms of scientific veracity. Can we take much more of this awful scripting and characterisation?" Bat Woman said, deeply concerned at the awfulness of the current episode.
"I don't know, Vicky. I just don't know." Mr Might said lamely.
THE END [12.45 AM, MAY 10TH, 2024]
++
PROLAPSE:
The threat of runaway flatulence continues slowly to contaminate Earth's atmosphere with heinous amounts of methane. This is of grave concern to all the people of Earth. Much of this methane escapes our atmosphere and is therefore poisoning the distant reaches of outer space. One day, it is possible that such worlds as the planet Bendus in the galaxy of Chad may become uninhabitable due to the horrific stench. The High Council of Bendus... hey wait a minute, they're actually the aliens who couldn't stand the awful sixties pulp author William S. Burrows. And so, let us return to these incongruously outfitted giant chesspieces, robots and starfish who are gesticulating furiously, because the costume budget didn't run to mouthpieces, whose existence is threatened by the possible mass nausea on Earth caused by uncontrolled flatulence, which would devastate that corner of the universe. Don't ask me why Saturn is overhead, swaying strangely. The scientists of Bendus have created their own superpower endowed android, named Proton Man, who can fly through space and is conveniently invulnerable.
TODAYNESS:
The Freedom Brigade were lounging around in their satellite when they heard shocked gasps and cries of panic as horrific clouds of runaway methane engulfed an aircraft:
"What's this? Who's that strange creature flying transparently?"
"And where did that annoying horde of small Japanese boys come from? And the nun?" Princess Power frowned.
"I think we're going to have a horrific misunderstanding unless we resolve this business with the flying humanoid." Mr Might said, accelerating out the airlock.
"WOWGOLLYGEEWHILLICKERS!!! It's the Freedom Brigade!"
"Listen, you interchangeable group of small Japanese boys. I don't know where you came from, but please, stay to one side while we get on with the episode..."
"Princess Power! Mister Might! Mermaid! Mighty HermAphrodite! But where are the enervating beeping robots? There has to be an enervating beeping robot!!!"
"No, there aren't. Bat Woman?"
"Oh no, it's happening again! We're caught in a characterisation and continuity warp based on the assumption that only sub-adolescents could possibly be superhero fans. Hey, wait a minute! You're so interchangeable, it's ridiculous! Who are your parents?"
"We don't have any. Ooops."
"I thought so! Turn on the pressure hoses. They're just animatodes! Interlopers who turn up to pad up unneccessarily prolonged narrative arcs." The wailing interchangeable small Japanese boy replicas melted into a garish multicoloured slush pile.
SKY TWELVE:
Why aren't these subtitles making any sense? Oh, never mind. Anyhow, several kilometres away, Proton Man whizzed through the sky, intent on locating the source of Earth's runaway flatulence:
"Oi! Strangely alien costumed being who flies at vast speeds and is invulnerable, rather like a certain character whose name we can' t repeat because that company's so litigious! Look down here!"
Proton Man gasped: "You! You hideous wizened bald creature in a loincloth, with the impossible wrinkled face, googly eyes, and for whom there is no life for several thousand kilometres around! Who are you?"
"I am Asphyxion the Incontinent! Hahahahhahhahahaa! Ha! Yes, Proton Man! With my super power of accelerated methane production, I will nauseate the entire cosmos!! They will lose the will to resist and succumb to my rule! Hahahahhahahahahaha! Ha! Ha!"
"No! For I have been sent from the far out planet Bendus to master you and make you cease this wanton naughtiness! I will zap you with my destructo-vision!"
As the duel of badly uniformed alien contenders began, Mr Might arrived:
"Asphyxion the Incontinent, Stench King of Space!! And you, friend, are you the mysterious intruder from a far out galaxy sent to frustrate his runaway methane production?"
"Yes, Mr Might, for I have the ability of a trillion planets that will banish this odiferous oppressor to a place where he will never pollute this planet again!"
"That's just hyperbole. Frankly, this whole adventure is in terribly bad taste and even worse odour. The Freedom Brigade has contacted Wrigleyanus, the filthiest planet in the cosmos, a 'dirty Uranus', and they're going to take Asphyxion here into custody!"
"Awp!"
"Asphyxion, it's all over. Your lifestyle is a failure, your methane emissions too extreme. I'm your new overlord, we return to Wrigleyanus. Prepare the matter transporter beam!"
"From the time I went away... goodbye was all I had to say... cards of swallows, cards for the insane...I've got... sleep particles in my eyes and I realise... I'm going home! I'm going home!! I'm...going...home!!!"
"Actually, no. Your methane emissions are beyond the tolerance of all intelligent life. We'll just zap you into the Nuisance Zone with our Atomic Protractors from Space, into another dimension where well-secluded, you can see all, but no-one can smell you. " As the eldritch transdimensional incarceration ray blazed, Aphyxion screeched, until fading away completely. As the Wrigleyanusians teleported away, Mister Might was puzzled:
"I'm coming back. It looks like that alien guy was going to tackle the other methane emitting alien, but the methane emitting alien's own species took mercy on us and sent Asphyxion into a prison dimension. I'm not sure what the interloping alien superhero was doing here, but he's heading back into the wild black yonder and it looks like the same congress of cheap alien giant chesspieces with no mouths and wildly gesticulating arms, standing giant starfish with halos and robots from our encounter with William. S. Burrows were responsible. Oh, and for some reason, a giant Saturn is swaying in the background behind them."
"I've just tallied up the scientific inaccuracies in this episode and they're not pretty. Blatant disregard for interstellar distances, weird beliefs that our atmosphere somehow permeates the entire universe, and Saturns being where they shouldn't be. Clint, I'm worried. This episode was one of the worst yet, both budgetarily and in terms of scientific veracity. Can we take much more of this awful scripting and characterisation?" Bat Woman said, deeply concerned at the awfulness of the current episode.
"I don't know, Vicky. I just don't know." Mr Might said lamely.
THE END [12.45 AM, MAY 10TH, 2024]