Post by redsycorax on May 3, 2021 0:18:47 GMT
The Freedom Brigade has its share of supervillain opponents, often the more questionable ones filched or copied from other alternate Earths. For example, take Poultroon. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I wish to make it perfectly clear that (ahem) Poultroon is not an example of mechanised poultry in any way, manner, shape or form. He's been copied from another series altogether. Anyway, on to one of the most heinous metavian menaces of Earth-55...
++
SLOTHAM:
Badman, the Darknight Deviant, was annoyed to see another freeloading supervillain absconding from the First Metroville Bank of Slotham with a large loot crate. He flung a couple of badarangs in the general direction of the purloining poultry, but the villain merely put down the crate and deflected it with his metallic wristbands. Then it glared at him:
"Puny noctural mammal impersonator! Quake before the might of... Poultroon, the Perilous!"
Badman scowled: "Ahem. Beat it, you steroid-stuffed featherduster. This is my town and no other supervillain is allowed to cramp my style."
Poultroon advanced on the Caped Criminal: "We shall see about that!"
Badman went for his Ubiquitous Belt, but Poultroon threw himself at him:
"Unhand that loot crate! I was about to raid First Metroville before you upstaged me, you bad egg!"
FBUS SATELLITE:
22,300 miles above, the Freedom Brigade satellite had detected the antagonism in the city below within its Time Space Visualiser:
"Who's the overly aggressive rooster attacking Bads?" Black Vulcan nodded at the main viewscreen:
"Terrible what they put in farm animal feed these days." The Eye commented, then his sole brow furrowed.
"Wait a minute. I think I recognise him. It's my old Bestest League of America comrade Aukman!" Green Trashcan gasped.
"Hold on, didn't you tell us Aukman was identifiably human? That isn't a mask that turkey is wearing!" Black Vulcan thumbed a touchplate and the TSV screen produced an x-ray schematic:
"Categorically incorrect, Pierce. From its anatomy, I surmise that it's actually a chicken who was subjected to unethical scientific experiments involving a combination of radioactive parasites, gamma radiation whether on Earth or in orbit and not at all a cyborg created by a mad scientist when it got run over trying to cross the road. Definitely not. Absolutely not."
Lightpower grimaced: "Brian seems to be getting walloped around by that belligerent bird. The problem is, this creature may try to assert its dominance by pecking him to death!"
SLOTHAM PLAZA:
"Scram, Freedom Brigade! I was about to blast this bellicose birdbrain into that Oklahoma Baked Chicken outlet across the plaza!"
With a heinous uppercut, the Poultroon broke Badman's Ubiquity Belt asunder:
"That'll fix you, you myotimorph myrmidon!"
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "What's with the ofay dialogue this episode? It sounds like a Marbles superhero session from the sixties."
Captain Swift shrugged: "Search me, dude. Surrender or face the justice of the Freedom Brigade of the United States, you Poultroon! And incidentally, shouldn't you be on Earth-C if you're a giant agressive vague avianoid, shouldn't you be on Earth-C instead of here? I mean, unlike certain other alternate Earths, we don't have four foot tall duckoids around wisecracking and getting into situations."
"Kaka Haul? Is that you beneath the bird get up?" Green Trashcan stared at the predatory poultry:
"It's difficult to tell. I have so many mutually contradictory origin stories. However, I do know that I didn't always look like this. I was once a completely ordinary chicken- until I uncovered a mysterious alien powersuit that caused me to abruptly become imbued with unearthly energies and bulk out majorly." Poultroon confessed.
"Can I reason with you, Kaka? We were allies once." Green Trashcan pleaded.
"Uhhh! I'm having... a...characterisation short circuit... must...engage in repetitious and pointless violence...against...Freedom Brigade!"
Lightpower whistled: "That's some hastily amended characterisation contradiction. Nice outfit, though. Hey, didn't Aukman have wings?"
"I moulted. Prepare to face my wrath, Freedom Brigade!!!"
WHAM BIFF WALLOP POW BANG PKAAAARRK!!!!!
"Pkaark?" Lightpower queried.
"Hey, 'he's' laid an egg!" Mighty HermAphrodite observed.
"Say what? Don't tell me this is going to be one of those ridiculous parodies written with absolutely no knowledge of farmyard biology 101, like those weird male cows with udders?" Black Vulcan moaned.
"We'll see if you're a match for us at full power, Poultroon." Captain Swift snapped.
"Actually, wasn't that luridly coloured series of sound effects above supposed to suggest that?" The Eye commented.
"Ahem. Has everyone forgotten this is supposed to be a one-villain town and that villain is me?" Badman interjected, after sulking for several minutes.
Suddenly, there was a cracking sound and from the remains of the outsize egg, another Poultroon arose:
"Wait! I have it! Kaka Haul is actually the alien Egyptian pharaoh Pkakamun, doomed by an ancestral curse to eternally reincarnate until he gets a sensible origin story." The Eye exclaimed.
"So if Poultroon is indeed a he, why did he just hatch himself?" Lightpower indicated the two Poultroons now closing in on them.
"I think I may have the answer to that." Bat Woman materialised, with Lady Liberty and Princess Power.
"Yes, Poultroon is actually from the dying avianoid planet Thanatix, shot to Earth in the time of the ancient Egyptians. He keeps reincarnating as an ordinary chicken, but the depredations of the Oklahoma Baked Chicken fast food company keep culling susceptible poultry before they get to the stage of actually manifesting their inner potential. It's driven Pkakamun mad over time."
The Freedom Brigade looked at each other: "Hey, that's not a bad origin story, even if it's unnecessarily complicated and overwritten."
"Poultroons? Do you want to come with us and seek psychiatric treatment?" Lady Liberty offered.
But this wasn't going to turn out to be one of those episodes, for the Robobadjet suddenly let a giant oven loose near the Poultroon duo:
"Hah!" Badman cried triumphantly, as his Bad-Joke Punching Glove reverberated from his Ubiquity Belt, leaving the two Poultroons in a precarious situation:
"No! No! Don't microwave us! Not the eleven unearthly herbs and spices!"
Badman used his Badstick to grievous effect!: "It's too late for that now, you Raving Roosters! Get into that Giant Microwave! Now!!"
"PKAARRKKKK!!!" The Poultroons each gave a last despairing, deafening doomed cluck of fury and rage before the oven closed in on them.
"How could you, Brian? They were sentient beings, with hopes, dreams and strange poultry fixations, just like us, except he dressed as an enormous featherduster!" Princess Power angrily demanded.
Badman sneered: "Sorry, this is my city and I don't take kindly to garishly clad interlopers. Read the house rules... 'Badman shall always end up winning any story set in Slotham City, however expedient, contrived, ridiculous, convoluted or unlikely the story arc may be.' So there!" With that, Badman grabbed a Super Hyper Enormous Jumbo Huge OBC box, stuffed the baked Poultroons into it and drove off in the Badmobile with it, intent on sharing it with his elderly butler Albumin at the Badcave.
Lightpower placed a hand on Green Trashcan's shoulder: "It's all for the best, S. Mel. They didn't really belong here."
"I know, Dirk. It's just... you, Badman and I survived the Great Indefinite Crisis on A Multitude of Earths. But... Kaka was doomed from that moment on. They...didn't have a logical progression of events and it cost them in the end."
As they walked back to the teleporter, however, none of the Freedom Brigade spied a hidden egg concealed within one of the plaza palm trees. At some stage, new villainy would hatch from these beginnings!!!
THE END
++
SLOTHAM:
Badman, the Darknight Deviant, was annoyed to see another freeloading supervillain absconding from the First Metroville Bank of Slotham with a large loot crate. He flung a couple of badarangs in the general direction of the purloining poultry, but the villain merely put down the crate and deflected it with his metallic wristbands. Then it glared at him:
"Puny noctural mammal impersonator! Quake before the might of... Poultroon, the Perilous!"
Badman scowled: "Ahem. Beat it, you steroid-stuffed featherduster. This is my town and no other supervillain is allowed to cramp my style."
Poultroon advanced on the Caped Criminal: "We shall see about that!"
Badman went for his Ubiquitous Belt, but Poultroon threw himself at him:
"Unhand that loot crate! I was about to raid First Metroville before you upstaged me, you bad egg!"
FBUS SATELLITE:
22,300 miles above, the Freedom Brigade satellite had detected the antagonism in the city below within its Time Space Visualiser:
"Who's the overly aggressive rooster attacking Bads?" Black Vulcan nodded at the main viewscreen:
"Terrible what they put in farm animal feed these days." The Eye commented, then his sole brow furrowed.
"Wait a minute. I think I recognise him. It's my old Bestest League of America comrade Aukman!" Green Trashcan gasped.
"Hold on, didn't you tell us Aukman was identifiably human? That isn't a mask that turkey is wearing!" Black Vulcan thumbed a touchplate and the TSV screen produced an x-ray schematic:
"Categorically incorrect, Pierce. From its anatomy, I surmise that it's actually a chicken who was subjected to unethical scientific experiments involving a combination of radioactive parasites, gamma radiation whether on Earth or in orbit and not at all a cyborg created by a mad scientist when it got run over trying to cross the road. Definitely not. Absolutely not."
Lightpower grimaced: "Brian seems to be getting walloped around by that belligerent bird. The problem is, this creature may try to assert its dominance by pecking him to death!"
SLOTHAM PLAZA:
"Scram, Freedom Brigade! I was about to blast this bellicose birdbrain into that Oklahoma Baked Chicken outlet across the plaza!"
With a heinous uppercut, the Poultroon broke Badman's Ubiquity Belt asunder:
"That'll fix you, you myotimorph myrmidon!"
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "What's with the ofay dialogue this episode? It sounds like a Marbles superhero session from the sixties."
Captain Swift shrugged: "Search me, dude. Surrender or face the justice of the Freedom Brigade of the United States, you Poultroon! And incidentally, shouldn't you be on Earth-C if you're a giant agressive vague avianoid, shouldn't you be on Earth-C instead of here? I mean, unlike certain other alternate Earths, we don't have four foot tall duckoids around wisecracking and getting into situations."
"Kaka Haul? Is that you beneath the bird get up?" Green Trashcan stared at the predatory poultry:
"It's difficult to tell. I have so many mutually contradictory origin stories. However, I do know that I didn't always look like this. I was once a completely ordinary chicken- until I uncovered a mysterious alien powersuit that caused me to abruptly become imbued with unearthly energies and bulk out majorly." Poultroon confessed.
"Can I reason with you, Kaka? We were allies once." Green Trashcan pleaded.
"Uhhh! I'm having... a...characterisation short circuit... must...engage in repetitious and pointless violence...against...Freedom Brigade!"
Lightpower whistled: "That's some hastily amended characterisation contradiction. Nice outfit, though. Hey, didn't Aukman have wings?"
"I moulted. Prepare to face my wrath, Freedom Brigade!!!"
WHAM BIFF WALLOP POW BANG PKAAAARRK!!!!!
"Pkaark?" Lightpower queried.
"Hey, 'he's' laid an egg!" Mighty HermAphrodite observed.
"Say what? Don't tell me this is going to be one of those ridiculous parodies written with absolutely no knowledge of farmyard biology 101, like those weird male cows with udders?" Black Vulcan moaned.
"We'll see if you're a match for us at full power, Poultroon." Captain Swift snapped.
"Actually, wasn't that luridly coloured series of sound effects above supposed to suggest that?" The Eye commented.
"Ahem. Has everyone forgotten this is supposed to be a one-villain town and that villain is me?" Badman interjected, after sulking for several minutes.
Suddenly, there was a cracking sound and from the remains of the outsize egg, another Poultroon arose:
"Wait! I have it! Kaka Haul is actually the alien Egyptian pharaoh Pkakamun, doomed by an ancestral curse to eternally reincarnate until he gets a sensible origin story." The Eye exclaimed.
"So if Poultroon is indeed a he, why did he just hatch himself?" Lightpower indicated the two Poultroons now closing in on them.
"I think I may have the answer to that." Bat Woman materialised, with Lady Liberty and Princess Power.
"Yes, Poultroon is actually from the dying avianoid planet Thanatix, shot to Earth in the time of the ancient Egyptians. He keeps reincarnating as an ordinary chicken, but the depredations of the Oklahoma Baked Chicken fast food company keep culling susceptible poultry before they get to the stage of actually manifesting their inner potential. It's driven Pkakamun mad over time."
The Freedom Brigade looked at each other: "Hey, that's not a bad origin story, even if it's unnecessarily complicated and overwritten."
"Poultroons? Do you want to come with us and seek psychiatric treatment?" Lady Liberty offered.
But this wasn't going to turn out to be one of those episodes, for the Robobadjet suddenly let a giant oven loose near the Poultroon duo:
"Hah!" Badman cried triumphantly, as his Bad-Joke Punching Glove reverberated from his Ubiquity Belt, leaving the two Poultroons in a precarious situation:
"No! No! Don't microwave us! Not the eleven unearthly herbs and spices!"
Badman used his Badstick to grievous effect!: "It's too late for that now, you Raving Roosters! Get into that Giant Microwave! Now!!"
"PKAARRKKKK!!!" The Poultroons each gave a last despairing, deafening doomed cluck of fury and rage before the oven closed in on them.
"How could you, Brian? They were sentient beings, with hopes, dreams and strange poultry fixations, just like us, except he dressed as an enormous featherduster!" Princess Power angrily demanded.
Badman sneered: "Sorry, this is my city and I don't take kindly to garishly clad interlopers. Read the house rules... 'Badman shall always end up winning any story set in Slotham City, however expedient, contrived, ridiculous, convoluted or unlikely the story arc may be.' So there!" With that, Badman grabbed a Super Hyper Enormous Jumbo Huge OBC box, stuffed the baked Poultroons into it and drove off in the Badmobile with it, intent on sharing it with his elderly butler Albumin at the Badcave.
Lightpower placed a hand on Green Trashcan's shoulder: "It's all for the best, S. Mel. They didn't really belong here."
"I know, Dirk. It's just... you, Badman and I survived the Great Indefinite Crisis on A Multitude of Earths. But... Kaka was doomed from that moment on. They...didn't have a logical progression of events and it cost them in the end."
As they walked back to the teleporter, however, none of the Freedom Brigade spied a hidden egg concealed within one of the plaza palm trees. At some stage, new villainy would hatch from these beginnings!!!
THE END