Post by redsycorax on May 21, 2021 1:35:03 GMT
Earth-55 has its own share of heroic ripoffs, mostly when it comes to the Justice League, Justice Society and Legion of Super Heroes on Earth-One. However, at times, there are something like original characters lurking around in the undergrowth. The Flexer isn't one of them. See, what happened was basically this. Television star P.P. Hoimin concealed his baldness for many, many years, until an air-conditioning malfunction caused his toupee to fly off his head during an interview session. Earth-55 has a very sarcastic, mocking attitude toward hair loss, which didn't help P.P's anterior career prospects. P.P was then struck by lightning during a chemical experiment, which also killed his relatives, and resulted in a bite from a very irate radioactive rat. His extremely bad day turned him categorically insane and caused him to change his name to Goose Wayle (moan...), establish a metropolitan centre that looks suspiciously like Badman's Slotham city and then don a deliberate Batman ripoff costume, albeit without the pointy ears and the aversion to firearms and killing. Now, Flexer takes his revenge against heinous baldophobia. Cue the Freedom Brigade...
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Baldness has been a moral and social problem in the western world since the days of early Christianity, when an unfortunately quite corrupted version (QCV) of the Bible had a scene in the Garden of Eden in which God told Adam and Eve not to shave all their hair off their heads. A serpent convinced the rather stupid Adam that women found baldness sexy and so Adam basically hacked all the hair off his head with clam shells. When Eve saw this, she understandably fainted dead away. Then Adam heard God walking about in the garden and hid. Unfortunately, God saw an ugly pink bulbous lump in the garden, threw Adam out of the Garden of Eden and renamed him "Slappity." God remade an Adam and wiped Eve's short term memory. As for Slappity, he became a gigolo, but didn't get much business because ruins weren't supposed to have been invented then. As if this weren't enough. several centuries later, the inhabitants of Slappim and Begorrah walked around with full frontal baldity. God got a severe headache from the glare and blasted Slappim and Begorrah with an indescribable natural disaster. Baldophobia came and went over the decades and may have reached a peak in the eighteenth century, given the immense hair of Enlightenment aristocracy. And then came the Baltimore Resuscitation, where Archbishop John Waters decided to make a quick buck by persecuting the "wilfully bald," due to his shares in a Hair Restoration company. His exploitation paid off big time, contributing to the election of Spiro Agnew as US President and the controversial US Supreme Court decision Grinch vs Poindexter.
ENCYCLOPEDIA DYSPEPTICA (2021 Edition)
BALTIMORE: 2021:
Francine Fishpaw was a normal, three hundred pound Catholic suburban Baltimore housewife, living with her artist son Dexter and talented macrame assembler daughter Lulu, when suddenly, she became aware that her husband was a balderastoholophiliac! Every morning, she shuddered as he took his razor in his hands and chortled evilly: "Hahahhaha!!!! Time to murder all my hair again for another day!!!"
Francine tried to hide her head under the pillow so as not to hear the microaudible screams of poor little hairshafts, untimely ripped from his head and cruelly slaughtered in their thousands. Finally, she could stand no more of his perverted sadism. Realising her husband was incurably and disgustingly BALD, she called the police and reported him to them! A Black Maria sped toward them and ripping off Elmer's toupee, they exposed his naked noggin for all the world to see. Today, Francine is happily married to abundantly hirsute and hunky art cinema owner Todd Tomorrow and Elmer is just a demented hair hating memory.
This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by Citizens for A Hairy Tomorrow: "Without Fear, WE speak for the Hair!!!"
CLICK
"I'm not sure I like this sudden turn toward criminalisation and hatred of Baldness. Some people are just naturally bald and it's not right to fear and express revulsion of them just because they're follicularly uninhibited." Captain Swift said to the other Freedom Brigade members, seated around their square table.
"How can you say that, Billy? What about the right to life of those poor little hairshafts, screaming subaudibly in pain and agony, brutally put to death in their millions due to men's vanity?" Princess Power exclaimed.
"In any case, it doesn't personally affect us at all. None of us walks shamelessly around with a stark nude forehead for all the world to see." The Patriot sniffed in disgust.
"Look, I don't like making generalisations, but my old enemy Lex Object suddenly turned violent and antisocial when all his hair fell out, on the basis that no-one would want him." Mr Might observed.
"Yes, but they don't. He's an utter goit anyway, Clint." Mermaid replied.
"I agree with Clint, here. Everyone knows the glare from bald heads causes thousands of traffic and air accidents each year. It has to be suppressed for the sake of normal humans like ourselves." Green Trashcan interjected.
"Surely that's an old folk myth?" Bat Woman responded.
"Can I just say that this particular prejudice on Earth-55 strikes me as weird and arbitrary? It doesn't exist where I come from, Earth-862" The Eye observed.
"Um, Eye, you do remember that they're heavily into meat prohibition back there, right?" Lightpower added.
"At least respecting the right to life of innocent nonhuman animals is a rational premise. As opposed to this peculiar sentiment that men without hair are somehow evil and should be actively persecuted for their 'evil.' " The Eye concluded.
GETHEM CITY:
Meanwhile, in picturesque Gethem City, Goose Wayle and Celina Bile were enjoying a romantic tryst when Dr Frigid's bald head glare blinded a convenient aircraft and caused it to collide with the Wayle Enterprises tower. In the ensuing melee, several houseplants were killed, although efficient evacuation procedures had insured the safety of all of its human residents. Unfortunately, however, Goose Wayle was actually... The Flexer, a ridiculously cheap bargain basement Batperson rip-off known for his inferential jumps, lack of intelligence, rampant category mistakes and sponging off his ancestral inherited wealth. Seeing that his inamorata Celina had a small cut on her finger, he flew into a monumental rage, dressed up in an earless cowl and an ill-fitting knock off superhero costume with a hastily scrawled logo. He yelled: "That does it, you hair hating monsters! Your evil conspiracy to make wholesome, decent normal Americanstm tolerate folliculacide and slaughter untold trillions of innocent Americantm hairshafts ends tonight!!!"
Abruptly, up screeched the Badmobile, with a fuming Badman carrying a large folio envelope:
"Look! How many times do I have to tell cheap knockoff impersonators like you, you fraud?! I'm the only legally licensed Batperson Archetrope on this Earth, apart from Bat Woman, who's comfortably enough away from it not to matter?! Cease and desist!"
"Are you a hairless horror, you Camp Crusading cornball?! Because I'm a Real Americantm man!!!"
Badman fumed: "Don't tell me, you intend to commit mass wanton slaughter of anyone who doesn't conform to your concept of hairy virtue."
"A Balderastophiloholic deliberately caused an aircraft to crash into that nice entrepreneur Goose Wayle's skyscraper and was responsible for the gruesome, horrific deaths of several Americantm houseplants! You will be avenged, Brave Americantm vegetation!!!"
"Right, just for that, I'm calling my mortal enemies, the Freedom Brigade..."
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE :
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Hey, why is the Troubalert going off while we're all up here?"
Bat Woman looked intently at it: "Badman? What fiendish feat of villainy are you perpetrating- erk. What's happened to my dialogue?!"
Mr Might's long distance vision spotted the source of the hackneyed response:
"Great Mud Falls of Neon!!! Now they've got me doing it too. It seems that Badman is responding to a highly irate, shrill ripoff of his intellectual property, only without pointy ears, with a weight problem, A peculiar fist shaped logo on his chest, and an extremely large bazooka emblazoned with that fist logo on it."
Lightpower also pointed to the Troubalert motion sensor: "Hey, where's this Getham City place?"
The Eye looked startled: "Good heavens! Not another cheap Batperson archetrope infringement!"
Badman cleared his throat: "Thank you for that expository dialogue, Dirk. As you've just observed, this equally anomalous duplicate of the real Slotham City just appeared next to ours, complete with a hysterical, large projectile firing individual who has this industrial scale hate on for baldies."
"To avoid copious firearm damage, we'll need to teleport down our strongest members- Mr Might, Lady Liberty, Princess Power, Captain Swift, Green Trashcan, Mighty HermAphrodite, Eye, to the teleporter, now!" Patriot ordered.
GETHEM CITY:
As the Freedom Brigade's Whaaa-Heyyy Team disembarked from their teleport terminal, they saw the menacing figure of the Flexer in the distance. Lady Liberty gasped:
"Why, he's just a wholesome, normal Americantm carrying on with his right to bear weapons! Yoo hoo, Badman type person! I'm a libertarian! You can carry all the firearms you like, dear, I won't stop you!"
The Flexer suddenly and completely forgot that his Goose Wayle persona was supposed to be in love with Celina Bile and took Lady Liberty in his arms:
"At last! A Real Americantm superheroine! Come with me, beautiful embodiment of the patriotic statue that stands in New Yerk harbour and we shall together unleash a holy crusade against the hair haters, barber avoiders, alopeciacs, balderasts, hairphobiacs and other hairless horrors that afflict our wholesome, normal Americatm!!!"
The Eye had noticed something, however: "Have the rest of you noticed the trademark subscript that appears whenever he mentions the name of this country?"
Princess Power gulped: "We'd better do something fast! Dana's seriously susceptible to that sort of wooing, given Jabez's indiscretion with Elephantissima, the wife of the Ambassador from Pachyderm City several years ago. And the libertarian cliches involved in the Flexer's enthusiasm for the Second Amendment are rapidly eroding her good judgement!"
"Lady Liberty, you voluptuous Real Americantm beauty, I have an unexpected plot twist for you. Did you know that Jabez H. Woosh, your so-called "Patriot" husband is actually... a secret, practising hairophobiacal, follicularcidal...balderastoholophiliac?!!!"
"No!" Lady Liberty cried, but then saw the illicitly obtained photographs and knew in her heart they were true:
"You don't deserve to be with that philandering, hair hating closet baldomaniac, Dana! Come away with me and stand up for Real Americantm values!!!"
Lady Liberty gasped: "Oh, no! How can I resist a walking embodiment of virtuous American manhood like you, especially given your character assessment of Jabez is completely accurate?!"
The Eye materialised next to the couple: "Look, you do realise causing mass mayhem and wanton carnage is outside our licensee status as a superhero association analogue?"
The Flexer scoffed: "Government regulation, phah! Them filthy baldies deserve to pay for subverting our decent Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pastafarian, Chthulhu worshipping religious moral values and going around shamelessly with their full frontal naked noggins out here in public view! Won't somebody think of the children?! All the time exposed to the abnormal defollicularised likes of Jean-Pall Lickard, Professor Echsaver, S'amm S'mmith, Lex Object and all them other hair hating balderastoholophiliacs?!"
Lady Liberty interposed herself between them: "I can't stand this any longer! The Flexer is right! And I'm going with him!" Abruptly, with a fiendish deranged cackle, the Flexer and Lady Liberty dematerialised. Princess Power exclaimed:
"Oh no! No! The Flexer has perverted Lady Liberty with all of his repetitious cliches and made her swerve from the path of self-righ... sorry, now they've got me doing it."
The Mighty HermAphrodite swallowed: "This is serious. With all the power of an alpha class meta like Lady Liberty at his disposal, who knows what damage the Flexer could do to people without hair? What do we do now?!"
THE END (For Now!!!)
++
Baldness has been a moral and social problem in the western world since the days of early Christianity, when an unfortunately quite corrupted version (QCV) of the Bible had a scene in the Garden of Eden in which God told Adam and Eve not to shave all their hair off their heads. A serpent convinced the rather stupid Adam that women found baldness sexy and so Adam basically hacked all the hair off his head with clam shells. When Eve saw this, she understandably fainted dead away. Then Adam heard God walking about in the garden and hid. Unfortunately, God saw an ugly pink bulbous lump in the garden, threw Adam out of the Garden of Eden and renamed him "Slappity." God remade an Adam and wiped Eve's short term memory. As for Slappity, he became a gigolo, but didn't get much business because ruins weren't supposed to have been invented then. As if this weren't enough. several centuries later, the inhabitants of Slappim and Begorrah walked around with full frontal baldity. God got a severe headache from the glare and blasted Slappim and Begorrah with an indescribable natural disaster. Baldophobia came and went over the decades and may have reached a peak in the eighteenth century, given the immense hair of Enlightenment aristocracy. And then came the Baltimore Resuscitation, where Archbishop John Waters decided to make a quick buck by persecuting the "wilfully bald," due to his shares in a Hair Restoration company. His exploitation paid off big time, contributing to the election of Spiro Agnew as US President and the controversial US Supreme Court decision Grinch vs Poindexter.
ENCYCLOPEDIA DYSPEPTICA (2021 Edition)
BALTIMORE: 2021:
Francine Fishpaw was a normal, three hundred pound Catholic suburban Baltimore housewife, living with her artist son Dexter and talented macrame assembler daughter Lulu, when suddenly, she became aware that her husband was a balderastoholophiliac! Every morning, she shuddered as he took his razor in his hands and chortled evilly: "Hahahhaha!!!! Time to murder all my hair again for another day!!!"
Francine tried to hide her head under the pillow so as not to hear the microaudible screams of poor little hairshafts, untimely ripped from his head and cruelly slaughtered in their thousands. Finally, she could stand no more of his perverted sadism. Realising her husband was incurably and disgustingly BALD, she called the police and reported him to them! A Black Maria sped toward them and ripping off Elmer's toupee, they exposed his naked noggin for all the world to see. Today, Francine is happily married to abundantly hirsute and hunky art cinema owner Todd Tomorrow and Elmer is just a demented hair hating memory.
This Public Service Announcement was brought to you by Citizens for A Hairy Tomorrow: "Without Fear, WE speak for the Hair!!!"
CLICK
"I'm not sure I like this sudden turn toward criminalisation and hatred of Baldness. Some people are just naturally bald and it's not right to fear and express revulsion of them just because they're follicularly uninhibited." Captain Swift said to the other Freedom Brigade members, seated around their square table.
"How can you say that, Billy? What about the right to life of those poor little hairshafts, screaming subaudibly in pain and agony, brutally put to death in their millions due to men's vanity?" Princess Power exclaimed.
"In any case, it doesn't personally affect us at all. None of us walks shamelessly around with a stark nude forehead for all the world to see." The Patriot sniffed in disgust.
"Look, I don't like making generalisations, but my old enemy Lex Object suddenly turned violent and antisocial when all his hair fell out, on the basis that no-one would want him." Mr Might observed.
"Yes, but they don't. He's an utter goit anyway, Clint." Mermaid replied.
"I agree with Clint, here. Everyone knows the glare from bald heads causes thousands of traffic and air accidents each year. It has to be suppressed for the sake of normal humans like ourselves." Green Trashcan interjected.
"Surely that's an old folk myth?" Bat Woman responded.
"Can I just say that this particular prejudice on Earth-55 strikes me as weird and arbitrary? It doesn't exist where I come from, Earth-862" The Eye observed.
"Um, Eye, you do remember that they're heavily into meat prohibition back there, right?" Lightpower added.
"At least respecting the right to life of innocent nonhuman animals is a rational premise. As opposed to this peculiar sentiment that men without hair are somehow evil and should be actively persecuted for their 'evil.' " The Eye concluded.
GETHEM CITY:
Meanwhile, in picturesque Gethem City, Goose Wayle and Celina Bile were enjoying a romantic tryst when Dr Frigid's bald head glare blinded a convenient aircraft and caused it to collide with the Wayle Enterprises tower. In the ensuing melee, several houseplants were killed, although efficient evacuation procedures had insured the safety of all of its human residents. Unfortunately, however, Goose Wayle was actually... The Flexer, a ridiculously cheap bargain basement Batperson rip-off known for his inferential jumps, lack of intelligence, rampant category mistakes and sponging off his ancestral inherited wealth. Seeing that his inamorata Celina had a small cut on her finger, he flew into a monumental rage, dressed up in an earless cowl and an ill-fitting knock off superhero costume with a hastily scrawled logo. He yelled: "That does it, you hair hating monsters! Your evil conspiracy to make wholesome, decent normal Americanstm tolerate folliculacide and slaughter untold trillions of innocent Americantm hairshafts ends tonight!!!"
Abruptly, up screeched the Badmobile, with a fuming Badman carrying a large folio envelope:
"Look! How many times do I have to tell cheap knockoff impersonators like you, you fraud?! I'm the only legally licensed Batperson Archetrope on this Earth, apart from Bat Woman, who's comfortably enough away from it not to matter?! Cease and desist!"
"Are you a hairless horror, you Camp Crusading cornball?! Because I'm a Real Americantm man!!!"
Badman fumed: "Don't tell me, you intend to commit mass wanton slaughter of anyone who doesn't conform to your concept of hairy virtue."
"A Balderastophiloholic deliberately caused an aircraft to crash into that nice entrepreneur Goose Wayle's skyscraper and was responsible for the gruesome, horrific deaths of several Americantm houseplants! You will be avenged, Brave Americantm vegetation!!!"
"Right, just for that, I'm calling my mortal enemies, the Freedom Brigade..."
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE :
Black Vulcan raised an eyebrow: "Hey, why is the Troubalert going off while we're all up here?"
Bat Woman looked intently at it: "Badman? What fiendish feat of villainy are you perpetrating- erk. What's happened to my dialogue?!"
Mr Might's long distance vision spotted the source of the hackneyed response:
"Great Mud Falls of Neon!!! Now they've got me doing it too. It seems that Badman is responding to a highly irate, shrill ripoff of his intellectual property, only without pointy ears, with a weight problem, A peculiar fist shaped logo on his chest, and an extremely large bazooka emblazoned with that fist logo on it."
Lightpower also pointed to the Troubalert motion sensor: "Hey, where's this Getham City place?"
The Eye looked startled: "Good heavens! Not another cheap Batperson archetrope infringement!"
Badman cleared his throat: "Thank you for that expository dialogue, Dirk. As you've just observed, this equally anomalous duplicate of the real Slotham City just appeared next to ours, complete with a hysterical, large projectile firing individual who has this industrial scale hate on for baldies."
"To avoid copious firearm damage, we'll need to teleport down our strongest members- Mr Might, Lady Liberty, Princess Power, Captain Swift, Green Trashcan, Mighty HermAphrodite, Eye, to the teleporter, now!" Patriot ordered.
GETHEM CITY:
As the Freedom Brigade's Whaaa-Heyyy Team disembarked from their teleport terminal, they saw the menacing figure of the Flexer in the distance. Lady Liberty gasped:
"Why, he's just a wholesome, normal Americantm carrying on with his right to bear weapons! Yoo hoo, Badman type person! I'm a libertarian! You can carry all the firearms you like, dear, I won't stop you!"
The Flexer suddenly and completely forgot that his Goose Wayle persona was supposed to be in love with Celina Bile and took Lady Liberty in his arms:
"At last! A Real Americantm superheroine! Come with me, beautiful embodiment of the patriotic statue that stands in New Yerk harbour and we shall together unleash a holy crusade against the hair haters, barber avoiders, alopeciacs, balderasts, hairphobiacs and other hairless horrors that afflict our wholesome, normal Americatm!!!"
The Eye had noticed something, however: "Have the rest of you noticed the trademark subscript that appears whenever he mentions the name of this country?"
Princess Power gulped: "We'd better do something fast! Dana's seriously susceptible to that sort of wooing, given Jabez's indiscretion with Elephantissima, the wife of the Ambassador from Pachyderm City several years ago. And the libertarian cliches involved in the Flexer's enthusiasm for the Second Amendment are rapidly eroding her good judgement!"
"Lady Liberty, you voluptuous Real Americantm beauty, I have an unexpected plot twist for you. Did you know that Jabez H. Woosh, your so-called "Patriot" husband is actually... a secret, practising hairophobiacal, follicularcidal...balderastoholophiliac?!!!"
"No!" Lady Liberty cried, but then saw the illicitly obtained photographs and knew in her heart they were true:
"You don't deserve to be with that philandering, hair hating closet baldomaniac, Dana! Come away with me and stand up for Real Americantm values!!!"
Lady Liberty gasped: "Oh, no! How can I resist a walking embodiment of virtuous American manhood like you, especially given your character assessment of Jabez is completely accurate?!"
The Eye materialised next to the couple: "Look, you do realise causing mass mayhem and wanton carnage is outside our licensee status as a superhero association analogue?"
The Flexer scoffed: "Government regulation, phah! Them filthy baldies deserve to pay for subverting our decent Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pastafarian, Chthulhu worshipping religious moral values and going around shamelessly with their full frontal naked noggins out here in public view! Won't somebody think of the children?! All the time exposed to the abnormal defollicularised likes of Jean-Pall Lickard, Professor Echsaver, S'amm S'mmith, Lex Object and all them other hair hating balderastoholophiliacs?!"
Lady Liberty interposed herself between them: "I can't stand this any longer! The Flexer is right! And I'm going with him!" Abruptly, with a fiendish deranged cackle, the Flexer and Lady Liberty dematerialised. Princess Power exclaimed:
"Oh no! No! The Flexer has perverted Lady Liberty with all of his repetitious cliches and made her swerve from the path of self-righ... sorry, now they've got me doing it."
The Mighty HermAphrodite swallowed: "This is serious. With all the power of an alpha class meta like Lady Liberty at his disposal, who knows what damage the Flexer could do to people without hair? What do we do now?!"
THE END (For Now!!!)