Post by redsycorax on Oct 10, 2021 1:56:01 GMT
The Freedom Brigade and Superior Five, their offspring, weren't the first superbeings on Earth-55. That dubious honor belongs to the Freedom Force, who were active in the 1940s. Fatman, the Human Flying Saucer... Captain Tootsie, who derived his abilities from an advertising gimmick that involved confectionary... Hatman, secretly Grant Richmond, a lawyer whose tophat insignia strikes fear into the heart of villains everywhere...Granny Gumshoe, the crime-fighting senior citizen genius... Madam Fatal, Dr Fey, Startleman, Dr Goodnite, the Splatter, the Cash, Green Trashcan, the Itsim and Johnny Blunder...oh, and Princess Power. who fight their sworn enemies, the Siblinghood of Naughtiness...former carnival clown Ugly Man... transvestite supervillain Mother Goose... and a strangely gendered supervillain called He-She...the Splinter, a malignant sapient puppet...all in the employ of Adenoid Hinkel and his Double Cross Party of Slobovia!!! And what does Doodles Duck of Earth-C have to do with any of this?
FREEDOM FORCE BROWNSTONE:
"Isn't this whole meeting room getting just a little overcrowded?" complained the Golden Age Green Trashcan.
"Good point, but I'm so glad we now have such a complement of members. And even better, another woman around here! At last!" Princess Power exulted.
"Look, it's the forties. Isn't it a little too soon for occupational feminism?" Startleman observed.
"Not really, no. After all, this is the historical period of Eleanor Roosevelt and Rosie the Riveter."
"Hey, where is Granny Gumshoe?" The grey haired guardian popped her head up from the vehicle maintenance bay.
"I've just finished an audit and tune-up of our vehicle fleet. Now, would anyone like some blueberry pie?"
"Great minds think alike!" Madam Fatal produced her own comestibles.
"Oh, I can see we're going to get along famously, Fatie dear, even if you do have a perceptible five o'clock shadow." (Madam Fatal cursed, for 'she' was not really a woman at all, but debutant and playboy Richard Stanton, who dressed up as a sprightly two-fisted combat-proficient octogenarian woman to fight crime and for no other reason whatsoever!!! )
Meanwhile, Fatman and Hatman were having an argument over who was the license holder for the Batman Archetrope in that particular context:
"At least I wear a cowl and use headwear gimmickry. And your resemblance to the Bat Archetrope is...
"
"Running very fast and turning into a flying saucer."
"Does anyone want a tootsie?" Captain Tootsie asked
"Not until after lunch, Captain dear." Granny Gumshoe and Madam Fatal chorused.
"Nah noo. I wish there was some worldshaking menace to...what? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Johnny Blunder had just idly spoken the magic word that summoned Blunderbus, his five-dimensional magical entity companion into existence. In the twinkling of an eye, the Siblinghood of Naughtiness appeared in their midst. Granny Gumshoe brandished a chainsaw and advanced threateningly on Splinter:
"Hey! No fair! That's an anachronism."
The grey-haired genius shook her head: "Nope, sorry. I did some reading up on the history of devices that can be utilised against wooden themed nuisances when I first came across you, you overblown devil's doll. It turns out that the chainsaw here was invented in Germany in 1916 and its vendor business was doing a roaring trade in heavily forested midwestern states until Mr Hinkel and his Double Crossers seized power. Whereupon a bevy of local entrepreneurs came across and developed them for the local market."
"No, Granny! You can't!"
"Oh yes, I can. This is the Golden Age and we have a far more elastic moral code when it comes to getting rid of supervillains. Say bye bye, Woodentop." With that, Granny started up her chainsaw and proceeded to carve up the hapless one-note supervillain.
Meanwhile, Madam Fatal and Mother Goose were engaged in fisticuffs of their own:
"You wouldn't hit a woman, would you?"
Fatal rolled 'her' eyes: "Er, in case you haven't noticed, I am a woman!"
"Oh damn, so am I. So that rule doesn't apply in our cases?"
"Afraid not. Goodnight to all the ships at sea!" Madam Fatal landed a hefty haymaker on 'her' enemy and 'she' was down for the count.
"Hey, babe. Want to make beautiful music together?" He-She's male side was flexing his muscles and ripped his white t-shirt, winking at her.
"Sorry, but you're decidedly a double-timer." Princess Power said, nodding at Hatman, who was being serenaded by He-She's female half:
"Oh, Hatman, you're so big, strong and tough!"
"What say we switch sides, Deborah?"
"Suits me, Grant." And with that, Princess Power and Hatman nullified their appropriately gendered opponents.
SLOBOVIA:
Meanwhile, in Burlinsque, the picturesque Slobovian capital, Adenoid Hinkel was hyperventilating as usual:
"Ach der Limburger and crappen zer dinklebum! Mine latest plan to attack zer heinous Freedumpkof Force has failed once more! What shall I do now?"
"Mein Leader! Zere may be anuffer way out of dis pickle we are in! We in the Abwahrt will summon up a demonic entity and sic it on zem!"
"Goot idea, Gobbles. Vot one did you haff in mind?"
"Possibly Asmodeus or Baphomet or Xthulhu. One of zer biggies."
"Ja, as long as you don't use one of zose corrupted texts (unt not in a nice vay either). The last time someone tried to summon Asmodeus, zey got Asmewdeus, der infernal kitty-cat instead. So ja, the Leadercarbuncle was nicely empty of rats for several years, but he also ate several of mein top advisers."
At that point, the real power behind Adenoid Hinkel's throne sauntered in. Bette Buchseite might have been statuesque and clad in very revealing outfits, but she was also a powerful and determined military strategist: "Mein Leader. Can ve discuss ze invasion of Norwegia now?"
"Ach, Bette, mein uppige dame, I can deny you nothing unt nor can the Slobovian Double-Cross Army!"
"Adenoid, mein leibchen, take a look at what just fell through a convenient chartreuse portal into our world..."
CONTRIVED BACKSTORY:
On Earth-One's House of Mystery, a panicking Earth-C Doodles Duck was running in blind terror from its denizens, Abel, Cain and Eve, all of whom were brandishing carving knives, assorted oranges and gazing hungrily at him. As his Earth had lacked carnivores for several centuries, Doodles was horrified that when he had accepted the dinner invitation across the dimensional boundaries here, he had inadvertently consented to be its main course. Abruptly, he saw a small green dimensional portal, promising an escape from his plight. The frightened little yellow duck took his cue and jumped through the portal...
In inter-universal space, he passed a floating table with cake atop it, ignoring the alien script below it scrawled on a piece of paper. It read: Eat me if you want to grow bigger. Which is what happened, only Doodles had no conventional frame of reference to recognise his abrupt transformation. He sighted a mauve spatial vortex and began to drift toward it. It was only when he was ejected into the Slobovian countryside amidst the carnage and gunfire of Global War B that he realised that he might well have jumped from what had very probably been a frying pan into an equally inhospitable fire. It was only then that he recognised a hairless ape woman gazing up at him with a smile on her face. Not being particularly experienced when it came to human nonverbal cues, Doodles didn't recognise that it was actually a sinister expression of glee as she calculated how to exploit this particular giant yellow avian windfall that had suddenly arrived on Slobovia's metaphorical doorstep...
RIGHT, NOW THAT'S OVER WITH...:
And thus, it was soon that a giant yellow bird was seen striding across the European landscape, quacking away to itself in a menacing undertone, or as menacing as a gigantic eighty foot duck can sound, flattening Allied armed forces and crushing them under its webbed feet. What kind of world was this, Doodles asked himself? Uncles played core roles on his native Earth-C, due to the high mortality rate of immediate parents. He was an uncle to his nephew Cuthbert, he himself had been uncled by his own relative Unca Croesus O'Duck and so on through the ages. It was immoral not to recognise the necessity of uncling! These perverted hairless apes had to be taught a lesson! Except the nice ones in Slobovia who had fed him so lavishly, even if the food had tasted somewhat odd. Little did naive Doodles realise that the abundance of tasty bread had contained a potent hallucinogen that was warping his avian senses!!!
Soon, Doodles had reached the Atlantic coast of France and proceeded to flap across, causing no end of meteorological complications and ditched or off course aircraft due to the formidable gusts of air displaced by them. At least he hadn't sought to duckpaddle across, which might have caused tsunamis in his literal wake. As it was, however, with its armed forces subject to considerable mayhem and disruption and without stopping to ask themselves why an enlarged yellow avian had suddenly turned up in the middle of Global War B, the Allied military jumped to the conclusion that the giant duck was indeed hostile. Meanwhile, America's duck hunters rubbed their hands in glee as they calculated the ordinance that would be needed to bring down this granddaddy of all airborne targets. Then they finished calculating it and abruptly dropped dead from traumatic shock.
As he flew above West Monroe, Louisiana, Doodles caught sight of some duck shooting enthusiasts. Although he was a male duck, somehow he had contrived to gestate and hatch an egg, given that Earth-55 tends to have its own cockamamie laws of nature when it comes to things like that. Flinging caution to the winds and the egg to its fate, it plummeted downwards to a swamp where a dynasty of duck hunters was abruptly wiped out. However, Doodles was intent on New York instead and so the malevolent mallard flew onward, ever onward...
At this point, our heroes re-enter the narrative. Madame Fatal and Fatman closed in on the cruel canard, who narrowed his avian eyes at them and promptly fell madly in love with Madam Fatal. Because Earth-55 had no King Kong, poor Richard had no idea of the climatic showdown scene awaiting her as Doodles sideswiped Fatman's saucer and grabbed Madam Fatal in his giant avian webbed feet. A stunned Fatman plummeted to the ground, although Granny Gumshoe had thoughtfully provided a trampoline there. When he reached New York, Freedom Force prepared for a showdown with Doodles, who had been told to climb the Empire State Building and slap at passing planes with his free wing, while he held Madam Fatal captive in the other...
Madam Fatal was having problems with forties female stereotyping. Given how active Richard Cranston actually was, he had no idea why Madam Fatal had suddenly developed a delicate satin draped frame. As it clung to her thighs, she started to cry, because Fay Wray was dressed just the same and glaring daggers at her down on the street below while camera-equipped planes circled the irate giant yellow duck at a safe distance.
"Ah. I have it! This giant yellow duck is from an alternate universe, where the course of history and evolution went differently and non-human animals ended up as polydominant species!" Dr Fey exclaimed.
"Are you aware how off the wall that sounds?" Dr Goodnite replied.
"Well, can you offer a better explanation of why we now have an eighty foot giant duck with our own Madam Fatal as captive high atop the Empire State building?"
"Just get that scene-stealing elderly hussy down from there!" Fay Wray hissed, still angry at Madam Fatal for pre-empting certain other events.
"Stand clear, everyone!" Granny Gumshoe levelled a bazooka sized exotic weapon that resembled something from Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers, centred it on Doodles and squeezed the trigger, zapping the irate and befuddled giant duck. As it hit the bewildered bird, he began to shrink down to a more manageable size, leaving Princess Power to catch the plummeting Madam Fatal. Doodles himself landed in Dr Fey's lap: "What's happening? Why do you people want to kill me?"
Granny Gumshoe cleared her throat: "Look dear, I'm sorry. You're not the dominant species here, though I can understand your desire for revenge. But the Double Crossers lied to you. We don't all undertake such activities. I take it you're from an alternate or parallel Earth and not from around here, even given some of the distinctly odd scientific experiments involving reptiles and amphibians in Nihonia. Would you let us return you there?"
"I see. I was initially being pursued by some evil humans from a haunted house somewhere on Earth-One. They wanted me for dinner and not in a nice way, either. I'm originally from Earth-C, which has polyvalent evolution and universal vegetarianism, so I was shocked!"
"Dr Fey, could you zap our displaced little yellow friend back to his Earth-C. And I think we need to pay this haunted house on this Earth-One of his a visit."
HOUSE OF MYSTERY:
"Ah! Ow! Why did we ever let Ambush Bug talk us into this? Hey, lady! Stop with the frying pan!" Cain complained, as Abel lay groggily on the carpet (or pretended to. Actually, he was enjoying the spectacle of his brother being repeatedly brained by one of Granny Gumshoe's "enhanced" heavyweight frying pans. If he played dead, he wouldn't get injured. Cain's companion Eve was facing her own challenge, from an enraged Fay Wray, nursing a blunderbus. With the Great Sadness, audiences hadn't felt up to motion pictures and so King Kong had been cancelled in 1933 and RKO Radio Pictures had only now decided to produce it- that was, until the unfortunate incident with "Doodles Kong" as he'd been christened. Fay Wray was irate that she wouldn't get paid again after the second cancellation and volunteered to commit mayhem against the original cause.
EARTH-C:
And thus, Doodles Duck lived happily ever after, or at least did until the Crisis on Infinite Earths abolished Earth-C from existence after the usual anti-matter storms and red skies descended on it in 1985.
THE END
FREEDOM FORCE BROWNSTONE:
"Isn't this whole meeting room getting just a little overcrowded?" complained the Golden Age Green Trashcan.
"Good point, but I'm so glad we now have such a complement of members. And even better, another woman around here! At last!" Princess Power exulted.
"Look, it's the forties. Isn't it a little too soon for occupational feminism?" Startleman observed.
"Not really, no. After all, this is the historical period of Eleanor Roosevelt and Rosie the Riveter."
"Hey, where is Granny Gumshoe?" The grey haired guardian popped her head up from the vehicle maintenance bay.
"I've just finished an audit and tune-up of our vehicle fleet. Now, would anyone like some blueberry pie?"
"Great minds think alike!" Madam Fatal produced her own comestibles.
"Oh, I can see we're going to get along famously, Fatie dear, even if you do have a perceptible five o'clock shadow." (Madam Fatal cursed, for 'she' was not really a woman at all, but debutant and playboy Richard Stanton, who dressed up as a sprightly two-fisted combat-proficient octogenarian woman to fight crime and for no other reason whatsoever!!! )
Meanwhile, Fatman and Hatman were having an argument over who was the license holder for the Batman Archetrope in that particular context:
"At least I wear a cowl and use headwear gimmickry. And your resemblance to the Bat Archetrope is...
""Running very fast and turning into a flying saucer."
"Does anyone want a tootsie?" Captain Tootsie asked
"Not until after lunch, Captain dear." Granny Gumshoe and Madam Fatal chorused.
"Nah noo. I wish there was some worldshaking menace to...what? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Johnny Blunder had just idly spoken the magic word that summoned Blunderbus, his five-dimensional magical entity companion into existence. In the twinkling of an eye, the Siblinghood of Naughtiness appeared in their midst. Granny Gumshoe brandished a chainsaw and advanced threateningly on Splinter:
"Hey! No fair! That's an anachronism."
The grey-haired genius shook her head: "Nope, sorry. I did some reading up on the history of devices that can be utilised against wooden themed nuisances when I first came across you, you overblown devil's doll. It turns out that the chainsaw here was invented in Germany in 1916 and its vendor business was doing a roaring trade in heavily forested midwestern states until Mr Hinkel and his Double Crossers seized power. Whereupon a bevy of local entrepreneurs came across and developed them for the local market."
"No, Granny! You can't!"
"Oh yes, I can. This is the Golden Age and we have a far more elastic moral code when it comes to getting rid of supervillains. Say bye bye, Woodentop." With that, Granny started up her chainsaw and proceeded to carve up the hapless one-note supervillain.
Meanwhile, Madam Fatal and Mother Goose were engaged in fisticuffs of their own:
"You wouldn't hit a woman, would you?"
Fatal rolled 'her' eyes: "Er, in case you haven't noticed, I am a woman!"
"Oh damn, so am I. So that rule doesn't apply in our cases?"
"Afraid not. Goodnight to all the ships at sea!" Madam Fatal landed a hefty haymaker on 'her' enemy and 'she' was down for the count.
"Hey, babe. Want to make beautiful music together?" He-She's male side was flexing his muscles and ripped his white t-shirt, winking at her.
"Sorry, but you're decidedly a double-timer." Princess Power said, nodding at Hatman, who was being serenaded by He-She's female half:
"Oh, Hatman, you're so big, strong and tough!"
"What say we switch sides, Deborah?"
"Suits me, Grant." And with that, Princess Power and Hatman nullified their appropriately gendered opponents.
SLOBOVIA:
Meanwhile, in Burlinsque, the picturesque Slobovian capital, Adenoid Hinkel was hyperventilating as usual:
"Ach der Limburger and crappen zer dinklebum! Mine latest plan to attack zer heinous Freedumpkof Force has failed once more! What shall I do now?"
"Mein Leader! Zere may be anuffer way out of dis pickle we are in! We in the Abwahrt will summon up a demonic entity and sic it on zem!"
"Goot idea, Gobbles. Vot one did you haff in mind?"
"Possibly Asmodeus or Baphomet or Xthulhu. One of zer biggies."
"Ja, as long as you don't use one of zose corrupted texts (unt not in a nice vay either). The last time someone tried to summon Asmodeus, zey got Asmewdeus, der infernal kitty-cat instead. So ja, the Leadercarbuncle was nicely empty of rats for several years, but he also ate several of mein top advisers."
At that point, the real power behind Adenoid Hinkel's throne sauntered in. Bette Buchseite might have been statuesque and clad in very revealing outfits, but she was also a powerful and determined military strategist: "Mein Leader. Can ve discuss ze invasion of Norwegia now?"
"Ach, Bette, mein uppige dame, I can deny you nothing unt nor can the Slobovian Double-Cross Army!"
"Adenoid, mein leibchen, take a look at what just fell through a convenient chartreuse portal into our world..."
CONTRIVED BACKSTORY:
On Earth-One's House of Mystery, a panicking Earth-C Doodles Duck was running in blind terror from its denizens, Abel, Cain and Eve, all of whom were brandishing carving knives, assorted oranges and gazing hungrily at him. As his Earth had lacked carnivores for several centuries, Doodles was horrified that when he had accepted the dinner invitation across the dimensional boundaries here, he had inadvertently consented to be its main course. Abruptly, he saw a small green dimensional portal, promising an escape from his plight. The frightened little yellow duck took his cue and jumped through the portal...
In inter-universal space, he passed a floating table with cake atop it, ignoring the alien script below it scrawled on a piece of paper. It read: Eat me if you want to grow bigger. Which is what happened, only Doodles had no conventional frame of reference to recognise his abrupt transformation. He sighted a mauve spatial vortex and began to drift toward it. It was only when he was ejected into the Slobovian countryside amidst the carnage and gunfire of Global War B that he realised that he might well have jumped from what had very probably been a frying pan into an equally inhospitable fire. It was only then that he recognised a hairless ape woman gazing up at him with a smile on her face. Not being particularly experienced when it came to human nonverbal cues, Doodles didn't recognise that it was actually a sinister expression of glee as she calculated how to exploit this particular giant yellow avian windfall that had suddenly arrived on Slobovia's metaphorical doorstep...
RIGHT, NOW THAT'S OVER WITH...:
And thus, it was soon that a giant yellow bird was seen striding across the European landscape, quacking away to itself in a menacing undertone, or as menacing as a gigantic eighty foot duck can sound, flattening Allied armed forces and crushing them under its webbed feet. What kind of world was this, Doodles asked himself? Uncles played core roles on his native Earth-C, due to the high mortality rate of immediate parents. He was an uncle to his nephew Cuthbert, he himself had been uncled by his own relative Unca Croesus O'Duck and so on through the ages. It was immoral not to recognise the necessity of uncling! These perverted hairless apes had to be taught a lesson! Except the nice ones in Slobovia who had fed him so lavishly, even if the food had tasted somewhat odd. Little did naive Doodles realise that the abundance of tasty bread had contained a potent hallucinogen that was warping his avian senses!!!
Soon, Doodles had reached the Atlantic coast of France and proceeded to flap across, causing no end of meteorological complications and ditched or off course aircraft due to the formidable gusts of air displaced by them. At least he hadn't sought to duckpaddle across, which might have caused tsunamis in his literal wake. As it was, however, with its armed forces subject to considerable mayhem and disruption and without stopping to ask themselves why an enlarged yellow avian had suddenly turned up in the middle of Global War B, the Allied military jumped to the conclusion that the giant duck was indeed hostile. Meanwhile, America's duck hunters rubbed their hands in glee as they calculated the ordinance that would be needed to bring down this granddaddy of all airborne targets. Then they finished calculating it and abruptly dropped dead from traumatic shock.
As he flew above West Monroe, Louisiana, Doodles caught sight of some duck shooting enthusiasts. Although he was a male duck, somehow he had contrived to gestate and hatch an egg, given that Earth-55 tends to have its own cockamamie laws of nature when it comes to things like that. Flinging caution to the winds and the egg to its fate, it plummeted downwards to a swamp where a dynasty of duck hunters was abruptly wiped out. However, Doodles was intent on New York instead and so the malevolent mallard flew onward, ever onward...
At this point, our heroes re-enter the narrative. Madame Fatal and Fatman closed in on the cruel canard, who narrowed his avian eyes at them and promptly fell madly in love with Madam Fatal. Because Earth-55 had no King Kong, poor Richard had no idea of the climatic showdown scene awaiting her as Doodles sideswiped Fatman's saucer and grabbed Madam Fatal in his giant avian webbed feet. A stunned Fatman plummeted to the ground, although Granny Gumshoe had thoughtfully provided a trampoline there. When he reached New York, Freedom Force prepared for a showdown with Doodles, who had been told to climb the Empire State Building and slap at passing planes with his free wing, while he held Madam Fatal captive in the other...
Madam Fatal was having problems with forties female stereotyping. Given how active Richard Cranston actually was, he had no idea why Madam Fatal had suddenly developed a delicate satin draped frame. As it clung to her thighs, she started to cry, because Fay Wray was dressed just the same and glaring daggers at her down on the street below while camera-equipped planes circled the irate giant yellow duck at a safe distance.
"Ah. I have it! This giant yellow duck is from an alternate universe, where the course of history and evolution went differently and non-human animals ended up as polydominant species!" Dr Fey exclaimed.
"Are you aware how off the wall that sounds?" Dr Goodnite replied.
"Well, can you offer a better explanation of why we now have an eighty foot giant duck with our own Madam Fatal as captive high atop the Empire State building?"
"Just get that scene-stealing elderly hussy down from there!" Fay Wray hissed, still angry at Madam Fatal for pre-empting certain other events.
"Stand clear, everyone!" Granny Gumshoe levelled a bazooka sized exotic weapon that resembled something from Flash Gordon or Buck Rogers, centred it on Doodles and squeezed the trigger, zapping the irate and befuddled giant duck. As it hit the bewildered bird, he began to shrink down to a more manageable size, leaving Princess Power to catch the plummeting Madam Fatal. Doodles himself landed in Dr Fey's lap: "What's happening? Why do you people want to kill me?"
Granny Gumshoe cleared her throat: "Look dear, I'm sorry. You're not the dominant species here, though I can understand your desire for revenge. But the Double Crossers lied to you. We don't all undertake such activities. I take it you're from an alternate or parallel Earth and not from around here, even given some of the distinctly odd scientific experiments involving reptiles and amphibians in Nihonia. Would you let us return you there?"
"I see. I was initially being pursued by some evil humans from a haunted house somewhere on Earth-One. They wanted me for dinner and not in a nice way, either. I'm originally from Earth-C, which has polyvalent evolution and universal vegetarianism, so I was shocked!"
"Dr Fey, could you zap our displaced little yellow friend back to his Earth-C. And I think we need to pay this haunted house on this Earth-One of his a visit."
HOUSE OF MYSTERY:
"Ah! Ow! Why did we ever let Ambush Bug talk us into this? Hey, lady! Stop with the frying pan!" Cain complained, as Abel lay groggily on the carpet (or pretended to. Actually, he was enjoying the spectacle of his brother being repeatedly brained by one of Granny Gumshoe's "enhanced" heavyweight frying pans. If he played dead, he wouldn't get injured. Cain's companion Eve was facing her own challenge, from an enraged Fay Wray, nursing a blunderbus. With the Great Sadness, audiences hadn't felt up to motion pictures and so King Kong had been cancelled in 1933 and RKO Radio Pictures had only now decided to produce it- that was, until the unfortunate incident with "Doodles Kong" as he'd been christened. Fay Wray was irate that she wouldn't get paid again after the second cancellation and volunteered to commit mayhem against the original cause.
EARTH-C:
And thus, Doodles Duck lived happily ever after, or at least did until the Crisis on Infinite Earths abolished Earth-C from existence after the usual anti-matter storms and red skies descended on it in 1985.
THE END