Post by redsycorax on Mar 17, 2022 22:34:33 GMT
On Earth -66, the greatest hero is that fearless Japanese giant anachronistic maritime dinosaur Godzilla, the Dynamic Dino! And Batman is a ravening, raving menace that terrorises Gotham! And so, without further ado, here is the inaugural take on what happens when the heroic saurian meets Frank Miller's bad-tempered, violent and possibly insane Batman iteration. And if this does well, there will be interminable sequels!
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Gojiraairando no mōhitotsu no utsukushī hidesu. Shikashi, matte, korehanandesuka? ! Kore wa gojiraairandode wa naku, gossamu$#!*idesu! So$#!*e, kono kyodaina hisuterikkuna mono ga shubi ikkan sezu ni shida$#!*e iru no wa daredesu ka?/ It's another beautiful day on Godzilla Island. But wait, what's this?! This is not Godzilla Island, but Gotham City! And who is this enormous hysterical being caterwauling incoherently?
GOTHAM:
"I AM THE GOSHDURNED BATMAN! WHAT ARE YOU, A RETREAD?"
"Och, Commissioner. The giant Frank Miller Batman is still shouting inanely and spreading facile libertarian anodynes across Gotham? What can we do?"
"Courage, Chief MacHara. It's time that we contacted our secret boon, the Dynamic Dino, Godzilla!"
"Och aye the noo, Commissioner Gaudy! If anyone can save our city from that egotistical misanthrope with deliberately offensive characterisation, it's the Reptile of Righteousness!"
TOKYO:
And thus, in stately Godzilla Manor, paid for from the proceeds of all of the Reptile of Righteousness' epic hit Japanese monster movies, a certain scaly green hand touched the Hot Line receiver:
"Are wa nanideshou. Komisshonāgōdi? Kyodaide fukaina furankumirā no Battoman ga gossamu o kōgeki $#!*e iru to iima$#!*a ka? Sugu soko ni imasu!/ What's that. Comissioner Gaudy? Did you say a giant, obnoxious Frank Miller Batman is attacking Gotham? I'll be right there!"
"Gossamu, Gojira no toraburu?/ Trouble in Gotham, Godzilla?"
"Hai, watashi no musuko no minira. Kyarakutā no furankumirābattoman kara zessan suru Kyojin ga gossamu o kōgeki $#!*e imasu! Gojiraairando umi deguchi ton'neru e!/ Yes, Minilla, my son. A giant raving out of character Frank Miller Batman is attacking Gotham! To the Godzilla Island sea exit tunnel!"
THEME MUSIC:
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
Gojira! (5x)
ワム！捕虜！靴下！
Wamu! Horyo! Kutsu$#!*a!/
Wham! Pow! Sock!
ナナナナナ！
Na na na na na na na!
ゴジラ!
Gojira!!!
GOTHAM CITY POLICE STATION:
"You called, Commissioner-san?"
"Thank goodness you're here, Godzilla! Gotham is being terrorised by a rampaging Frank Miller Batman, annoying all and sundry with his addled characterisation and overall misanthropic behaviour. He's supposed to be a hero, for goodness sake, but he's turned into a shrill, lawless vigilante."
"Holy nihilistic folderol, Papa Godzilla!"
"My son talks true, Commissioner-san. What provoked this drastic change in characterisation and his vocal shrillness? Did the dread curse of Fred Freiberger or Bob Haney descend on Batman, or was it just a lousy publishers decision to accept Frank Miller's tilt at the title?"
"No-one's quite sure, Godzilla. We didn't know who else we could turn to, but then we realised that perhaps, you have the greatest experience in fighting large, bad tempered inarticulate beings in the whole world. So, will you help rid us of this ridiculous iteration of Batman?"
"It's a deal, although I suspect Toho Studios will want me to accept large monetary transfers to their bank account for this expedition.'
"Och, anything! As long as you halt this Batman jimmy from laying waste to our city!" Police Chief MacHara cried in exasperation.
THE SIDE OF AN EXTREMELY TALL GOTHAM SKYSCRAPER:
"Oya oya, sonkei sa rete iru chichi, naze Battoman wa son'nani kurutta nodesu ka?/ Gosh, esteemed father, why has Batman gone so insane?"
"Sore wa warui tokusei to renzoku-sei no ketsujodesu, watashi no musuko no minira. Wata$#!*achi wa sore jitai ni mishiranu hitode wa arimasen./ It's bad characterisation and lack of continuity, Minilla my son. We're no strangers to that ourselves."
And so, as usually happens in these vignettes, a side window opened and the Dinosaurian Duo met a startled and inadvertant bystander:
"Nande, Urutoraman, kyūyū! Nani ga anata o gossamu$#!*i ni tsuretekimasu ka?/ Why, Ultraman, old friend! What brings you to Gotham City?"
"Kon'nichiwa, Gojira to mini ra. Watashi wa, Furanku mirā no Battoman ga sore o oeta nochi, gossamu$#!*i ni muda o oku to odo$#!*a watashi no hiretsuna teki no Gomesu no michi o susunde imasu.'/ Hello, Gojira and Minilla. I am on the trail of my dastardly enemy Gomess, who has threatened to lay waste to Gotham City after Frank Miller Batman's finished with it."
"Naze, nante gūzenda! Wata$#!*achi wa sono hijō ni kyodaina furankumirābattoman no michi o susunde ima$#!*a! Mōshiwakearimasenga, Urutoraman, kyūyū no chīmu o kumu koto wa dekimasenga, shuryū no keizoku-sei no ken'iaru tenpuku o soshi suru koto ga wata$#!*achi no tōmen no yūsen jikōdenakereba narimasen.' / Why, what a coincidence! We were on the trail of that very Giant Frank Miller Batman ourselves! Sorry we can't have a team-up, Ultraman, old friend, but stopping that authorial perversion of mainstream continuity has to be our immediate priority."
"Uwa ̄ , Urutoraman! Kore wa totemo kūrudesu! Sain o onegaishimasu?/ Wow, Ultraman! This is so cool! Can I have your autograph?"
"Naze, tashika ni, wakai mini ra. Ā, so$#!*e muryō no Urutoraman tm yakyū-bō mo motte imasu. Karera wa genzai tokubetsudesu./ Why certainly, young Minilla. Oh, and have a free Ultraman tm baseball cap as well. They're on special at the moment."
"Tsugi no kurosuōbā eiga, manga, animeshirīzu no Urutoraman de o ai shimashou. Jikai wa Mosura to chīmu o kumu to wa dō iu kotodesu ka?/ See you in our next crossover movie, manga or anime television series, Ultraman. What say we team up against Mothra next time?"
As the Dinosaurian Duo went their separate ways, Minilla was star-struck: "Otōsan, totemo kakkoyokattadesu! Urutoraman!/ That was so cool, Dad! Ultraman!"
"Hai, sono binetto o motte iru koto de, Urutoraman no kankyaku ni kono eiga o sōgo josei suru yō ni settoku suru koto ga dekimasu. Hiretsuna, ha~a~tsu?/ Yes, by having that vignette, we can persuade Ultraman's fans to cross-subside this movie. Sneaky, huh?"
"Tashika ni sōdesu. So$#!*e,-ji no eiga, Gojira to Urutoraman tai Mosura o senden suru chansu ga arimasu. So$#!*e māchandaijingu shūnyū!/ Sure is. And we get the chance to promote our next movie, Godzilla and Ultraman Versus Mothra. And merchandising revenue!"
All too soon, however, the in-house movie promotional and marketing vignette was over and the Dinosaurian Duo had scaled the building. Fortuitously, the Frank Miller Batman had ascended the Gotham Broadcasting Station radio-television tower and had captured an inadvertantly displaced Japanese female scientist, one Fei-Rei. She was trying to get free from her ludicrous situation as the Giant Frank Miller Batman bellowed: "I AM THE GOSHDURNED BATMAN! WHY DON'T CHICKS LIKE MY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCULPTED ACTION SUIT!"
"Stop this tacky merchandising, Giant Frank Miller Batman! My son Minilla and I are here to vanquish you, so Tsuburaya Productions can co-own the sets when they re-use them for Ultraman Versus Gomess in Gotham. And to do that, we have to have a choreographed combat scene.'
"NO WAY, HOSHI! GOTHAM IS MY CITY! AT THEM, MY BAT-HENCHMEN!!!"
Sundry pows, whams and socks later, however, the renegade Giant Frank Miller Batman had been defeated and conveniently fallen into a vat of hydrochloric acid, posing the inevitable corollary reflection if only one could do that with Frank Miller's entire misbegotten All-Star Batman and Return of the Dark Knight: Master Race runs. Happily, Godzilla and Minilla could now return to Tokyo and resume their own multi-media property portfolio of highly lucrative action-hero films. Leaving Godzilla to reflect, too, as he and his son swam back at superspeed across the Pacific Ocean to Japan, that even if crime didn't pay, lucrative cross-media crossover deals certainly did and Minilla's Tokyo University attendance fee prep account would be handsomely reinforced as a result of an apposite Toho/DC deal.
So$#!*e, kono sōdaina Gojira eiga no bōken o shūryō shimasu! Jikai wa onaji Gojira gekijō, onaji seisakukaisha to issho ni iyou! So$#!*e, Tōhō to DC no akushon figyua, gēmu, shōsetsu-ka, taiappukomikku o wasurenaide kudasai! ! !/ And thus ends this epic Godzilla film adventure! Be with us next time, same Godzilla theatre, same production company! And don't forget the Toho and DC action figures, games, novelisations and tie-in comics!!!
END THEME:
Kare wa sutōkā to unarigoe o agemasu, Gojira! Nintai-ryoku to yūki, Gojira! Akuyaku wa arasoi o sari, Gojira wa sonohi o sukuu - kare no musuko, minira mo! Gojira to mini ra, kyōryū no hanzai faitā! Zapu, pow, wamu, gojira! ! !/ He stalks and growls, Godzilla! Perserverance and valour, Godzilla!! Villains leave the fray, Godzilla saves the day- also his son, Minilla! Godzilla and Minilla, dinosaur crime fighters for right! Zap, pow, wham, Godzilla!!!
THE ENDtm
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Gojiraairando no mōhitotsu no utsukushī hidesu. Shikashi, matte, korehanandesuka? ! Kore wa gojiraairandode wa naku, gossamu$#!*idesu! So$#!*e, kono kyodaina hisuterikkuna mono ga shubi ikkan sezu ni shida$#!*e iru no wa daredesu ka?/ It's another beautiful day on Godzilla Island. But wait, what's this?! This is not Godzilla Island, but Gotham City! And who is this enormous hysterical being caterwauling incoherently?
GOTHAM:
"I AM THE GOSHDURNED BATMAN! WHAT ARE YOU, A RETREAD?"
"Och, Commissioner. The giant Frank Miller Batman is still shouting inanely and spreading facile libertarian anodynes across Gotham? What can we do?"
"Courage, Chief MacHara. It's time that we contacted our secret boon, the Dynamic Dino, Godzilla!"
"Och aye the noo, Commissioner Gaudy! If anyone can save our city from that egotistical misanthrope with deliberately offensive characterisation, it's the Reptile of Righteousness!"
TOKYO:
And thus, in stately Godzilla Manor, paid for from the proceeds of all of the Reptile of Righteousness' epic hit Japanese monster movies, a certain scaly green hand touched the Hot Line receiver:
"Are wa nanideshou. Komisshonāgōdi? Kyodaide fukaina furankumirā no Battoman ga gossamu o kōgeki $#!*e iru to iima$#!*a ka? Sugu soko ni imasu!/ What's that. Comissioner Gaudy? Did you say a giant, obnoxious Frank Miller Batman is attacking Gotham? I'll be right there!"
"Gossamu, Gojira no toraburu?/ Trouble in Gotham, Godzilla?"
"Hai, watashi no musuko no minira. Kyarakutā no furankumirābattoman kara zessan suru Kyojin ga gossamu o kōgeki $#!*e imasu! Gojiraairando umi deguchi ton'neru e!/ Yes, Minilla, my son. A giant raving out of character Frank Miller Batman is attacking Gotham! To the Godzilla Island sea exit tunnel!"
THEME MUSIC:
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
ゴジラ！
Gojira! (5x)
ワム！捕虜！靴下！
Wamu! Horyo! Kutsu$#!*a!/
Wham! Pow! Sock!
ナナナナナ！
Na na na na na na na!
ゴジラ!
Gojira!!!
GOTHAM CITY POLICE STATION:
"You called, Commissioner-san?"
"Thank goodness you're here, Godzilla! Gotham is being terrorised by a rampaging Frank Miller Batman, annoying all and sundry with his addled characterisation and overall misanthropic behaviour. He's supposed to be a hero, for goodness sake, but he's turned into a shrill, lawless vigilante."
"Holy nihilistic folderol, Papa Godzilla!"
"My son talks true, Commissioner-san. What provoked this drastic change in characterisation and his vocal shrillness? Did the dread curse of Fred Freiberger or Bob Haney descend on Batman, or was it just a lousy publishers decision to accept Frank Miller's tilt at the title?"
"No-one's quite sure, Godzilla. We didn't know who else we could turn to, but then we realised that perhaps, you have the greatest experience in fighting large, bad tempered inarticulate beings in the whole world. So, will you help rid us of this ridiculous iteration of Batman?"
"It's a deal, although I suspect Toho Studios will want me to accept large monetary transfers to their bank account for this expedition.'
"Och, anything! As long as you halt this Batman jimmy from laying waste to our city!" Police Chief MacHara cried in exasperation.
THE SIDE OF AN EXTREMELY TALL GOTHAM SKYSCRAPER:
"Oya oya, sonkei sa rete iru chichi, naze Battoman wa son'nani kurutta nodesu ka?/ Gosh, esteemed father, why has Batman gone so insane?"
"Sore wa warui tokusei to renzoku-sei no ketsujodesu, watashi no musuko no minira. Wata$#!*achi wa sore jitai ni mishiranu hitode wa arimasen./ It's bad characterisation and lack of continuity, Minilla my son. We're no strangers to that ourselves."
And so, as usually happens in these vignettes, a side window opened and the Dinosaurian Duo met a startled and inadvertant bystander:
"Nande, Urutoraman, kyūyū! Nani ga anata o gossamu$#!*i ni tsuretekimasu ka?/ Why, Ultraman, old friend! What brings you to Gotham City?"
"Kon'nichiwa, Gojira to mini ra. Watashi wa, Furanku mirā no Battoman ga sore o oeta nochi, gossamu$#!*i ni muda o oku to odo$#!*a watashi no hiretsuna teki no Gomesu no michi o susunde imasu.'/ Hello, Gojira and Minilla. I am on the trail of my dastardly enemy Gomess, who has threatened to lay waste to Gotham City after Frank Miller Batman's finished with it."
"Naze, nante gūzenda! Wata$#!*achi wa sono hijō ni kyodaina furankumirābattoman no michi o susunde ima$#!*a! Mōshiwakearimasenga, Urutoraman, kyūyū no chīmu o kumu koto wa dekimasenga, shuryū no keizoku-sei no ken'iaru tenpuku o soshi suru koto ga wata$#!*achi no tōmen no yūsen jikōdenakereba narimasen.' / Why, what a coincidence! We were on the trail of that very Giant Frank Miller Batman ourselves! Sorry we can't have a team-up, Ultraman, old friend, but stopping that authorial perversion of mainstream continuity has to be our immediate priority."
"Uwa ̄ , Urutoraman! Kore wa totemo kūrudesu! Sain o onegaishimasu?/ Wow, Ultraman! This is so cool! Can I have your autograph?"
"Naze, tashika ni, wakai mini ra. Ā, so$#!*e muryō no Urutoraman tm yakyū-bō mo motte imasu. Karera wa genzai tokubetsudesu./ Why certainly, young Minilla. Oh, and have a free Ultraman tm baseball cap as well. They're on special at the moment."
"Tsugi no kurosuōbā eiga, manga, animeshirīzu no Urutoraman de o ai shimashou. Jikai wa Mosura to chīmu o kumu to wa dō iu kotodesu ka?/ See you in our next crossover movie, manga or anime television series, Ultraman. What say we team up against Mothra next time?"
As the Dinosaurian Duo went their separate ways, Minilla was star-struck: "Otōsan, totemo kakkoyokattadesu! Urutoraman!/ That was so cool, Dad! Ultraman!"
"Hai, sono binetto o motte iru koto de, Urutoraman no kankyaku ni kono eiga o sōgo josei suru yō ni settoku suru koto ga dekimasu. Hiretsuna, ha~a~tsu?/ Yes, by having that vignette, we can persuade Ultraman's fans to cross-subside this movie. Sneaky, huh?"
"Tashika ni sōdesu. So$#!*e,-ji no eiga, Gojira to Urutoraman tai Mosura o senden suru chansu ga arimasu. So$#!*e māchandaijingu shūnyū!/ Sure is. And we get the chance to promote our next movie, Godzilla and Ultraman Versus Mothra. And merchandising revenue!"
All too soon, however, the in-house movie promotional and marketing vignette was over and the Dinosaurian Duo had scaled the building. Fortuitously, the Frank Miller Batman had ascended the Gotham Broadcasting Station radio-television tower and had captured an inadvertantly displaced Japanese female scientist, one Fei-Rei. She was trying to get free from her ludicrous situation as the Giant Frank Miller Batman bellowed: "I AM THE GOSHDURNED BATMAN! WHY DON'T CHICKS LIKE MY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SCULPTED ACTION SUIT!"
"Stop this tacky merchandising, Giant Frank Miller Batman! My son Minilla and I are here to vanquish you, so Tsuburaya Productions can co-own the sets when they re-use them for Ultraman Versus Gomess in Gotham. And to do that, we have to have a choreographed combat scene.'
"NO WAY, HOSHI! GOTHAM IS MY CITY! AT THEM, MY BAT-HENCHMEN!!!"
Sundry pows, whams and socks later, however, the renegade Giant Frank Miller Batman had been defeated and conveniently fallen into a vat of hydrochloric acid, posing the inevitable corollary reflection if only one could do that with Frank Miller's entire misbegotten All-Star Batman and Return of the Dark Knight: Master Race runs. Happily, Godzilla and Minilla could now return to Tokyo and resume their own multi-media property portfolio of highly lucrative action-hero films. Leaving Godzilla to reflect, too, as he and his son swam back at superspeed across the Pacific Ocean to Japan, that even if crime didn't pay, lucrative cross-media crossover deals certainly did and Minilla's Tokyo University attendance fee prep account would be handsomely reinforced as a result of an apposite Toho/DC deal.
So$#!*e, kono sōdaina Gojira eiga no bōken o shūryō shimasu! Jikai wa onaji Gojira gekijō, onaji seisakukaisha to issho ni iyou! So$#!*e, Tōhō to DC no akushon figyua, gēmu, shōsetsu-ka, taiappukomikku o wasurenaide kudasai! ! !/ And thus ends this epic Godzilla film adventure! Be with us next time, same Godzilla theatre, same production company! And don't forget the Toho and DC action figures, games, novelisations and tie-in comics!!!
END THEME:
Kare wa sutōkā to unarigoe o agemasu, Gojira! Nintai-ryoku to yūki, Gojira! Akuyaku wa arasoi o sari, Gojira wa sonohi o sukuu - kare no musuko, minira mo! Gojira to mini ra, kyōryū no hanzai faitā! Zapu, pow, wamu, gojira! ! !/ He stalks and growls, Godzilla! Perserverance and valour, Godzilla!! Villains leave the fray, Godzilla saves the day- also his son, Minilla! Godzilla and Minilla, dinosaur crime fighters for right! Zap, pow, wham, Godzilla!!!
THE ENDtm