Post by redsycorax on May 15, 2024 4:29:47 GMT
Centuries after the Freedom Brigade, a indeterminate group of several humans and aliens went whizzing around the galaxy, going where no one in their right mind would want to go. These are the voyages of the FTL vessel Dauntless, her one year mission... to exploit new life, to terrorise new species and new civilisations, to boldly blunder around where people haven't been before. Woo woo woo woo woo smersht woo woo woo woo woo woo smersht da da da da da DA!
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FTLV DAUNTLESS, CE c2224:
"Intriguing, Captain Ryan. I detect a female presence onboard."
"But. Dr Mindstrong. Errk. What's. Happened To. My Voice. Where. Are. All These. Speech Impediments. Coming. From?"
"Focus, John. I said, a female presence onboard, which is extremely odd because we're an all-male vessel."
"Yeah, I meant to ask about that, Captain. Humanity has mastered interstellar travel and joined a federation with countless alien species, yet why is it that Star Force still has either totally or predominantly male crews? OWWWWW!!!" Lieutenant Paul Cranshaw received his obligatory slap in the face from his commanding officer.
"That'll be enough of that, Lieutenant Cranshaw! This is no time for cheap hysterics! Ah. A beautiful, curvaceous woman with long black hair. And my speech impediment has cleared up."
"Oh, Captain Ryan. I have never met a man like you before, so rugged, so virile, so manly, from the top of your plastic carved I Can't Believe It's Not Hair tm to your intriguing HyperCorset to your anti-grav Platforminator shoes. I am overcome with lust and wanton desire. However, my culture is conservative and this is G-rated, so I can only do it after marriage. Will you espouse me?"
Captain Ryan grinned: "I. Can. Never. Resist. A. Pretty. Face."
"Er, Doctor. Why is the Captain going to marry a creature with a lamprey shaped jaw full of razor sharp teeth, stringy hair, pupilless eyes and with designs on his blood sugar?"
"Yes, Lieutenant, I had noticed too. One can only assume that most of the other female beings in this quadrant are overfamiliar with Captain Ryan's libidinous reputation and have made themselves scarce. And given how desperate he is, he's therefore developed a perceptual warp and wish fulfilment fantasy about a female being who actually does find him appealing despite his cosmetic enhancements."
"Shouldn't we do something? He is the Captain, after all..." Cranshaw whispered as the CyberChaplain was programmed to carry out a generic indeterminate faith espousal ceremony, monogamy setting.
"Mr Cranshaw, do you really want to get repeatedly slapped around the face throughout this entire series?"
"Nass, no, but isn't it disloyal of us just to stand by and watch while the Captain ends up the prey of an antidiabetic sugar vampire?"
"Not to mention the distasteful misogynist subtext about women's competence, sexuality and physiology this whole episode delivers." A stentorian female voice boomed from the doorway, from a tall woman with a strange hairdo, domino mask, bat tattoo on her upper chest, one piece bikini and black leather boots.
"Goodness. The twenty first century action heroine Bat Woman!"
"We. Don't. Need. The. Intervention. Of. A. Mere. Woman!!!" John. X. Ryan said huffily.
"You heard him, sister. Butt out! And you've got to admit, a porker like him deserves what's coming to him."
Abruptly, she was joined by a giant floating Eye, for it was indeed the Avenger from Oculus.
"One slight problem, Ms. Antidiabetikon. While your ethical observations about this era's quaint retro sexism are indeed appropriate, we can see into this cosmetically enhanced polymorphous prevert's future. Which is happily, quite short in duration. There is a reason that the Dauntless has a one year mission." All of the above was delivered in avocal telepathic communication, mediated by the Eye. Therefore, John. X. Ryan had no inkling of his imminent comeuppance. I mean, fate. The Antidiabetikon female shrugged.
"Oh, all right. Can we please erase this from the collective record of this starship's sensor array and give the corseted love god and his crew here a mindwipe?" The Eye did so and conveniently froze time so that they couldn't interact with anyone else on the Dauntless but their Antidiabetikon contact.
"It wouldn't have been healthy for you anyhow, Ms Antidiabetikon. I've scanned the engorged creature you wanted to espouse for his blood sugar and his chemical composition is most unhealthy."
"I'll take your word for it. Hey, are you really the Freedom Brigade of the Unistates?"
"Why, are you a fan?"
"Given you're obviously time travelling, can I bother you for a lift to the Legion of Hyper Entities in the twenty sixth century? It occurs to me that my abilities would enable me to fight crime and they're certainly compatible with the ensemble of powers that gathering has."
"Of course, Ms Antidiabetikon. Billy? We have an additional guest for the time pyramid, so if you could set the transtemporal capacitator for an Antidiabetikon presence, we'll be on our way shortly."
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER:
VWORP VWORP VWORP
As the FTLV Dauntless' engines overloaded, John X. Ryan suddenly remembered the abortive encounter with the Antidiabetikon. He frowned at the memory- what, a female being immune to his considerable wiles and ridiculously overactive libido? No, it couldn't be. But it was. Why? Why had the Antidiabetikon jilted him at the altar? As the Vworps grew in intensity, and the engines couldn't take any more, Captain Ryan yelled:
"ANTIDIABETIKOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!"
And then the Dauntless blew up and given that this isn't a John X. Ryan ego-driven timeline, the vessel's one and only commander perished with it.
EPILOGUE:
And happily, several centuries uptime, Ms. Antidiabetikon fell madly in love with Arm-Fall-Off-Boy, who reciprocated ... but that's another story...
[THE END: 4.30 PM, MAY 15, 2024]
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FTLV DAUNTLESS, CE c2224:
"Intriguing, Captain Ryan. I detect a female presence onboard."
"But. Dr Mindstrong. Errk. What's. Happened To. My Voice. Where. Are. All These. Speech Impediments. Coming. From?"
"Focus, John. I said, a female presence onboard, which is extremely odd because we're an all-male vessel."
"Yeah, I meant to ask about that, Captain. Humanity has mastered interstellar travel and joined a federation with countless alien species, yet why is it that Star Force still has either totally or predominantly male crews? OWWWWW!!!" Lieutenant Paul Cranshaw received his obligatory slap in the face from his commanding officer.
"That'll be enough of that, Lieutenant Cranshaw! This is no time for cheap hysterics! Ah. A beautiful, curvaceous woman with long black hair. And my speech impediment has cleared up."
"Oh, Captain Ryan. I have never met a man like you before, so rugged, so virile, so manly, from the top of your plastic carved I Can't Believe It's Not Hair tm to your intriguing HyperCorset to your anti-grav Platforminator shoes. I am overcome with lust and wanton desire. However, my culture is conservative and this is G-rated, so I can only do it after marriage. Will you espouse me?"
Captain Ryan grinned: "I. Can. Never. Resist. A. Pretty. Face."
"Er, Doctor. Why is the Captain going to marry a creature with a lamprey shaped jaw full of razor sharp teeth, stringy hair, pupilless eyes and with designs on his blood sugar?"
"Yes, Lieutenant, I had noticed too. One can only assume that most of the other female beings in this quadrant are overfamiliar with Captain Ryan's libidinous reputation and have made themselves scarce. And given how desperate he is, he's therefore developed a perceptual warp and wish fulfilment fantasy about a female being who actually does find him appealing despite his cosmetic enhancements."
"Shouldn't we do something? He is the Captain, after all..." Cranshaw whispered as the CyberChaplain was programmed to carry out a generic indeterminate faith espousal ceremony, monogamy setting.
"Mr Cranshaw, do you really want to get repeatedly slapped around the face throughout this entire series?"
"Nass, no, but isn't it disloyal of us just to stand by and watch while the Captain ends up the prey of an antidiabetic sugar vampire?"
"Not to mention the distasteful misogynist subtext about women's competence, sexuality and physiology this whole episode delivers." A stentorian female voice boomed from the doorway, from a tall woman with a strange hairdo, domino mask, bat tattoo on her upper chest, one piece bikini and black leather boots.
"Goodness. The twenty first century action heroine Bat Woman!"
"We. Don't. Need. The. Intervention. Of. A. Mere. Woman!!!" John. X. Ryan said huffily.
"You heard him, sister. Butt out! And you've got to admit, a porker like him deserves what's coming to him."
Abruptly, she was joined by a giant floating Eye, for it was indeed the Avenger from Oculus.
"One slight problem, Ms. Antidiabetikon. While your ethical observations about this era's quaint retro sexism are indeed appropriate, we can see into this cosmetically enhanced polymorphous prevert's future. Which is happily, quite short in duration. There is a reason that the Dauntless has a one year mission." All of the above was delivered in avocal telepathic communication, mediated by the Eye. Therefore, John. X. Ryan had no inkling of his imminent comeuppance. I mean, fate. The Antidiabetikon female shrugged.
"Oh, all right. Can we please erase this from the collective record of this starship's sensor array and give the corseted love god and his crew here a mindwipe?" The Eye did so and conveniently froze time so that they couldn't interact with anyone else on the Dauntless but their Antidiabetikon contact.
"It wouldn't have been healthy for you anyhow, Ms Antidiabetikon. I've scanned the engorged creature you wanted to espouse for his blood sugar and his chemical composition is most unhealthy."
"I'll take your word for it. Hey, are you really the Freedom Brigade of the Unistates?"
"Why, are you a fan?"
"Given you're obviously time travelling, can I bother you for a lift to the Legion of Hyper Entities in the twenty sixth century? It occurs to me that my abilities would enable me to fight crime and they're certainly compatible with the ensemble of powers that gathering has."
"Of course, Ms Antidiabetikon. Billy? We have an additional guest for the time pyramid, so if you could set the transtemporal capacitator for an Antidiabetikon presence, we'll be on our way shortly."
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER:
VWORP VWORP VWORP
As the FTLV Dauntless' engines overloaded, John X. Ryan suddenly remembered the abortive encounter with the Antidiabetikon. He frowned at the memory- what, a female being immune to his considerable wiles and ridiculously overactive libido? No, it couldn't be. But it was. Why? Why had the Antidiabetikon jilted him at the altar? As the Vworps grew in intensity, and the engines couldn't take any more, Captain Ryan yelled:
"ANTIDIABETIKOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!"
And then the Dauntless blew up and given that this isn't a John X. Ryan ego-driven timeline, the vessel's one and only commander perished with it.
EPILOGUE:
And happily, several centuries uptime, Ms. Antidiabetikon fell madly in love with Arm-Fall-Off-Boy, who reciprocated ... but that's another story...
[THE END: 4.30 PM, MAY 15, 2024]