Post by redsycorax on Jun 15, 2024 1:52:49 GMT
The Freedom Brigade farce their archest adversary yet- an immense fungus from a flaming planet [Language, please!!!- Auntie Agatha]!!!
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DEEP SPACE:
In the void of untoward space, a molten, incandescent world floated in sullen heat and annoyance. It decided to create life, but because it was so hot, it repeatedly only succeeded in getting amino acids together and evolution remained stubbornly locked in start position. The planet grew more and more surly and bad-tempered, doing wheelies around easily frightened civilisations and their solar systems and playing robot chicken with several others, faking collision courses with them and then pulling away at the last minute. However, all of this malevolent, spiteful cavorting around the cosmos had the planned effect of getting its surface sufficiently geologically active to finally start the evolutionary process rolling... until it bogged down, having produced a giant sentient ambulatory fungus.
Inevitably, the anti-social and thoroughly warped planet Mykitas decided to make trouble on Earth, and decided to send its giant fungal offspring down to the planet to stir up mischief. However, it had reckoned without... the Freedom Brigade of the United States!!!
FBUS HQ: TROUBALERT ROOM:
Squeebonk! Squeebonk!! Squeebonk!!!
As the alert klaxon of the Troubalert rang out through their silly sanctuary, the heroes of the Freedom Brigade assembled in the command chamber:
"Great Satellites of Neon! What is that creature?!"
"Nyaaaachacch! Nyaaaachacch! Nyaaaachacch!"
The Eye raised his solitary eyebrow: "Judging from its vocabulary and the decibels of its bellow, I would say that the creature in question is the spawn of a hostile planet bent on subordinating us because it's just very irate and wants to cause trouble."
"How can you tell that, Eye?"
The Eye shrugged: "Elementary, my dear Clinton. I've traced the orbital trajectory of the adjacent free-floating planet that it must have originated from, and the details of that trajectory make up obscenities in at least fifteen interstellar languages. And it has a nasty habit of deliberately entering planetary systems, doing wheelie trajectories near frightened civilisations, playing chicken with inhabited planets and then broadcasting derisive laughter on available communication frequencies."
Bat Woman observed: "So, are you saying that this planet is the astronomical version of a teenage jerk, Eye?"
"Indeed I am, Bat Woman. It appears to be only two million or so years old, cosmologically speaking, its surface is covered in spots, and it is subject to erratic internal geological flows."
"And so that creature is some alien fungoid offspring of that annoying adolescent rogue planet?"
"Yes, well, adolescent male hygiene deficiency is a known universal constant."
Green Trashcan snapped his fingers: "Hey! In that case, I know what can scare it away!" His smell o ring generated the unmistakable odour of zit cream and broadcast it at the incoming rogue planet. It recoiled and then beat a hasty retreat.
NEW YAK:
"Nyaaachacch! Nyaaachacch!! Nyaachaach!!!" Pulsating in a bad temper, the Alien Fungoid Creature had perambulated to the top of New Yak's Imperious State Building, and helped itself to a meme involving large animals striking threatening poses atop metropolitan skyscrapers, because there was no cultural memory of a certain movie about a giant gorilla which had never been made in Earth-55's 1930s. It tried to grab a captive human to gesture threateningly at, but because it was the 2020s and personal hygiene was far better these days, New Yakkers used spray-on fungicide cans against it, repelling its would-be menacing gestures. All Fungitron (it was a slow day in Washingtub DC and FEMA couldn't be bothered coming up with anything even remotely original) could therefore do was bellow unpleasantly and try to express associated threatening nonverbal overtures.
However, it was New Yak, and its inhabitants were thoroughly used to unusual and bizarre happenings by force of habit, and so they ignored it, apart from numerous Japanese tourists. One of them used their cellphone cam to photograph the monstrosity. Several hours later, a Japanese film director had contacted the bad-tempered ambulatory giant fungus and offered it a multiple million yen deal for at least fifteen movies centred on his character. And so, the placated and now highly satisfied giant alien fungus left its former pedestal and in a luxury supertanker sailed off to the Home Islands, where it became a very rich giant ambulatory fungoid kaiju indeed and lived happily ever after for the next three hundred years or so.
EPILOGUE:
"You know what worries me, though?" Mr Might said to Bat Woman and The Eye as they surveyed the consequent happy life of the now thoroughly contented hit alien giant fungoid kaiju.
"The fact that the rogue planet Mykitas is still out there somewhere and still a surly, unco-operative teenage terror tantrum planet?" The Eye commented sagely.
"Well, yes, that. I'm getting nervous at the increasing brevity of these episodes. Sooner or later, there'll be one and we won't be necessary anymore." Bat Woman said, her brow furrowed in concern.
"At least I didn't have to get my hands dirty wrangling that rather dilapidated giant fungoid."
"Well, thanks to Japanese movie genres and the viability of that market segment, that didn't have to happen this time."
"You don't think the Mysterious Authorial Farce is trying to end this series again, do you?" The Eye pondered as they looked up at the heavens.
THE END [3.35 PM , JUNE 15, 2024]
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DEEP SPACE:
In the void of untoward space, a molten, incandescent world floated in sullen heat and annoyance. It decided to create life, but because it was so hot, it repeatedly only succeeded in getting amino acids together and evolution remained stubbornly locked in start position. The planet grew more and more surly and bad-tempered, doing wheelies around easily frightened civilisations and their solar systems and playing robot chicken with several others, faking collision courses with them and then pulling away at the last minute. However, all of this malevolent, spiteful cavorting around the cosmos had the planned effect of getting its surface sufficiently geologically active to finally start the evolutionary process rolling... until it bogged down, having produced a giant sentient ambulatory fungus.
Inevitably, the anti-social and thoroughly warped planet Mykitas decided to make trouble on Earth, and decided to send its giant fungal offspring down to the planet to stir up mischief. However, it had reckoned without... the Freedom Brigade of the United States!!!
FBUS HQ: TROUBALERT ROOM:
Squeebonk! Squeebonk!! Squeebonk!!!
As the alert klaxon of the Troubalert rang out through their silly sanctuary, the heroes of the Freedom Brigade assembled in the command chamber:
"Great Satellites of Neon! What is that creature?!"
"Nyaaaachacch! Nyaaaachacch! Nyaaaachacch!"
The Eye raised his solitary eyebrow: "Judging from its vocabulary and the decibels of its bellow, I would say that the creature in question is the spawn of a hostile planet bent on subordinating us because it's just very irate and wants to cause trouble."
"How can you tell that, Eye?"
The Eye shrugged: "Elementary, my dear Clinton. I've traced the orbital trajectory of the adjacent free-floating planet that it must have originated from, and the details of that trajectory make up obscenities in at least fifteen interstellar languages. And it has a nasty habit of deliberately entering planetary systems, doing wheelie trajectories near frightened civilisations, playing chicken with inhabited planets and then broadcasting derisive laughter on available communication frequencies."
Bat Woman observed: "So, are you saying that this planet is the astronomical version of a teenage jerk, Eye?"
"Indeed I am, Bat Woman. It appears to be only two million or so years old, cosmologically speaking, its surface is covered in spots, and it is subject to erratic internal geological flows."
"And so that creature is some alien fungoid offspring of that annoying adolescent rogue planet?"
"Yes, well, adolescent male hygiene deficiency is a known universal constant."
Green Trashcan snapped his fingers: "Hey! In that case, I know what can scare it away!" His smell o ring generated the unmistakable odour of zit cream and broadcast it at the incoming rogue planet. It recoiled and then beat a hasty retreat.
NEW YAK:
"Nyaaachacch! Nyaaachacch!! Nyaachaach!!!" Pulsating in a bad temper, the Alien Fungoid Creature had perambulated to the top of New Yak's Imperious State Building, and helped itself to a meme involving large animals striking threatening poses atop metropolitan skyscrapers, because there was no cultural memory of a certain movie about a giant gorilla which had never been made in Earth-55's 1930s. It tried to grab a captive human to gesture threateningly at, but because it was the 2020s and personal hygiene was far better these days, New Yakkers used spray-on fungicide cans against it, repelling its would-be menacing gestures. All Fungitron (it was a slow day in Washingtub DC and FEMA couldn't be bothered coming up with anything even remotely original) could therefore do was bellow unpleasantly and try to express associated threatening nonverbal overtures.
However, it was New Yak, and its inhabitants were thoroughly used to unusual and bizarre happenings by force of habit, and so they ignored it, apart from numerous Japanese tourists. One of them used their cellphone cam to photograph the monstrosity. Several hours later, a Japanese film director had contacted the bad-tempered ambulatory giant fungus and offered it a multiple million yen deal for at least fifteen movies centred on his character. And so, the placated and now highly satisfied giant alien fungus left its former pedestal and in a luxury supertanker sailed off to the Home Islands, where it became a very rich giant ambulatory fungoid kaiju indeed and lived happily ever after for the next three hundred years or so.
EPILOGUE:
"You know what worries me, though?" Mr Might said to Bat Woman and The Eye as they surveyed the consequent happy life of the now thoroughly contented hit alien giant fungoid kaiju.
"The fact that the rogue planet Mykitas is still out there somewhere and still a surly, unco-operative teenage terror tantrum planet?" The Eye commented sagely.
"Well, yes, that. I'm getting nervous at the increasing brevity of these episodes. Sooner or later, there'll be one and we won't be necessary anymore." Bat Woman said, her brow furrowed in concern.
"At least I didn't have to get my hands dirty wrangling that rather dilapidated giant fungoid."
"Well, thanks to Japanese movie genres and the viability of that market segment, that didn't have to happen this time."
"You don't think the Mysterious Authorial Farce is trying to end this series again, do you?" The Eye pondered as they looked up at the heavens.
THE END [3.35 PM , JUNE 15, 2024]