Post by redsycorax on Jun 20, 2024 4:37:53 GMT
Earth-55: The members of the Freedom Brigade have everyday lives just like anyone else, for which we can blame Marbles Comics in the early sixties. Anyhow, one long-suffering- er, long-standing plot gnarl is the everlasting matrimonial trainwreck of the Patriot/Jabez Woosh/Captain Alopecia and Lady Liberty (Dana Prance) relationship. But this time, can even a convenient continuity warp save this star-crossed couple from the inescapable?
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FBUS HEADQUARTERS:
For some reason to do with the lack of missions for quite some time, the Freedom Brigade were holding a party in their satellite headquarters. Lady Liberty was looking around forelornly:
"Oh, Deborah," she said to her friend, Princess Power, the Enormous Amazon and the team's other supremely powered woman, "nobody knows where Jabez has gone since he grew his hair back and stopped being a baldomaniac. Except Elephantissima, the ambassadress from Pachyderm City left the same time. Why was he holding her hoof when he used to be mine before we got divorced?"
Princess Power hugged her old long friend: "Never mind, Dana. It's our party and we shouldn't be sad about it. Except I suppose I would be too if your marriage had happened to me."
Abruptly, at that point, an angry and very large ninja inexplicably charged into the main Freedom Brigade with a samurai sword: "Ha! Lady Liberty! No-one knows where your ex-husband the Patriot went, and why Elephantissima went the same time! Let us enter brutal mortal combat and you can cry if you want to after you are defeated by my prowess at samurai swordplay!"
"Oh, no, not a postmodern ninja meme. When did this turn into a Lawrence Anderson DVD?" Mr Might moaned.
"No! I don't want to cry if I don't have to!" And suddenly, Lady Liberty was dressed in a patriotic ninja armour ensemble and mask as she charged against the other mysterious ninja repeatedly, samurai swords clashing hard against one another in the party atmosphere.
"Until Jabez is in the same room with me, I've got no reason to smirk. Nobody knows where Patriot has gone but Elephantissima left the same time. But I won't cry. Cry, because I don't have to."
"Yes, I think we've established that." The Mighty HermAphrodite said, wondering why they were all standing around watching Lady Liberty fight for her mortal life.
At that point, however, Lady Liberty's long time superheroine combat prowess finally re-asserted itself and she knocked the sword from her foe's hands. The combatant fell heavily to the floor as Lady Liberty ripped off their mask, only to find: "Elephantissima!"
And what a perfect surprise, in walked ... Lex Object, like a thing with his queen! And he was wearing Elephantissima's former trunk ring on his finger!
"Wait a minute! You're married to Lex? I didn't see that coming, particularly given the somewhat labored Lesley Gore song parody throughout this thread."
"No offence, Dana, but I cut off my relationship with Jabez when he slapped those handcuffs on me and accused me of spying for Pachyderm City. Then he went bald and saggy and old. That Captain Alopecia episode was the last straw. And I know that we apparently left the same time for this party."
"So where's Jabez now?"
"He's off the planet." A badly designed thirties Flush Goodun image of a rocket ship appeared on the Troubalert, in space. Sort of.
Mr Might was bewildered: "I don't understand. Does this mean Lex has become a goodguy? Or that Elephantissima has turned evil?"
"No, MM, old friend. Elephantissima and I were both zapped by moral neutrality rays from the Negatory Zone at the same time, causing us to become insipid and neither totally good or significantly evil. And she confessed she was looking for someone after she broke up with the now rapidly departing Jabez Woosh, her ex."
"Oh, Elephantissima, dear, so that whole previous fight scene was just to give me a nice bracing workout with a decent female combat opponent! How thoughtful!! And to think I've spent all these years resenting you because of your dalliance with Jabez, that cheap no-good worthless man-floozy! So, how did he take the news?"
"Strange thing, Dana, but we were also at another party, and Jabez saw Lex and I walk through the door. It must have come as as a perfect surprise because he started crying when he saw Lex wearing my former trunk ring and ascended the Patriot Craft, blasting off into the wild black yonder, tears streaming down his face."
"So no-one ended up with him after all and now it's Jabez' turn to cry because Elephantissima chose someone else instead! Obviously, I didn't want him either. The cheapskate is several years behind on my alimony. It was so frustrating it almost reduced me to lachrymosity. I have a new person in my life, who shall be disclosed at a future date when the Mysterious Authorial Farce can work it out."
And with that, the last quanta of 'humor' drained away from this episode of the Freedom Brigade, leaving only one thing:
THE END: 4.40 PM: JUNE 20, 2024.
++
FBUS HEADQUARTERS:
For some reason to do with the lack of missions for quite some time, the Freedom Brigade were holding a party in their satellite headquarters. Lady Liberty was looking around forelornly:
"Oh, Deborah," she said to her friend, Princess Power, the Enormous Amazon and the team's other supremely powered woman, "nobody knows where Jabez has gone since he grew his hair back and stopped being a baldomaniac. Except Elephantissima, the ambassadress from Pachyderm City left the same time. Why was he holding her hoof when he used to be mine before we got divorced?"
Princess Power hugged her old long friend: "Never mind, Dana. It's our party and we shouldn't be sad about it. Except I suppose I would be too if your marriage had happened to me."
Abruptly, at that point, an angry and very large ninja inexplicably charged into the main Freedom Brigade with a samurai sword: "Ha! Lady Liberty! No-one knows where your ex-husband the Patriot went, and why Elephantissima went the same time! Let us enter brutal mortal combat and you can cry if you want to after you are defeated by my prowess at samurai swordplay!"
"Oh, no, not a postmodern ninja meme. When did this turn into a Lawrence Anderson DVD?" Mr Might moaned.
"No! I don't want to cry if I don't have to!" And suddenly, Lady Liberty was dressed in a patriotic ninja armour ensemble and mask as she charged against the other mysterious ninja repeatedly, samurai swords clashing hard against one another in the party atmosphere.
"Until Jabez is in the same room with me, I've got no reason to smirk. Nobody knows where Patriot has gone but Elephantissima left the same time. But I won't cry. Cry, because I don't have to."
"Yes, I think we've established that." The Mighty HermAphrodite said, wondering why they were all standing around watching Lady Liberty fight for her mortal life.
At that point, however, Lady Liberty's long time superheroine combat prowess finally re-asserted itself and she knocked the sword from her foe's hands. The combatant fell heavily to the floor as Lady Liberty ripped off their mask, only to find: "Elephantissima!"
And what a perfect surprise, in walked ... Lex Object, like a thing with his queen! And he was wearing Elephantissima's former trunk ring on his finger!
"Wait a minute! You're married to Lex? I didn't see that coming, particularly given the somewhat labored Lesley Gore song parody throughout this thread."
"No offence, Dana, but I cut off my relationship with Jabez when he slapped those handcuffs on me and accused me of spying for Pachyderm City. Then he went bald and saggy and old. That Captain Alopecia episode was the last straw. And I know that we apparently left the same time for this party."
"So where's Jabez now?"
"He's off the planet." A badly designed thirties Flush Goodun image of a rocket ship appeared on the Troubalert, in space. Sort of.
Mr Might was bewildered: "I don't understand. Does this mean Lex has become a goodguy? Or that Elephantissima has turned evil?"
"No, MM, old friend. Elephantissima and I were both zapped by moral neutrality rays from the Negatory Zone at the same time, causing us to become insipid and neither totally good or significantly evil. And she confessed she was looking for someone after she broke up with the now rapidly departing Jabez Woosh, her ex."
"Oh, Elephantissima, dear, so that whole previous fight scene was just to give me a nice bracing workout with a decent female combat opponent! How thoughtful!! And to think I've spent all these years resenting you because of your dalliance with Jabez, that cheap no-good worthless man-floozy! So, how did he take the news?"
"Strange thing, Dana, but we were also at another party, and Jabez saw Lex and I walk through the door. It must have come as as a perfect surprise because he started crying when he saw Lex wearing my former trunk ring and ascended the Patriot Craft, blasting off into the wild black yonder, tears streaming down his face."
"So no-one ended up with him after all and now it's Jabez' turn to cry because Elephantissima chose someone else instead! Obviously, I didn't want him either. The cheapskate is several years behind on my alimony. It was so frustrating it almost reduced me to lachrymosity. I have a new person in my life, who shall be disclosed at a future date when the Mysterious Authorial Farce can work it out."
And with that, the last quanta of 'humor' drained away from this episode of the Freedom Brigade, leaving only one thing:
THE END: 4.40 PM: JUNE 20, 2024.