Post by redsycorax on Jul 23, 2024 2:32:55 GMT
Once upon a time, there was an alternate Earth whose inhabitants were all extremely cute. So nauseatingly and unbendingly cute in fact, that they were actually quite depraved, murderous and insatiably cruel. They took to the heavens in their horribly beweaponed starships and blasted the quarks out of most of the civilisations they encountered. However, given that this was actually an incredibly gullible and stupid universe, they soon wiped out all life in it and cast their avaricious eyes on adjacent alternate universes instead. And you know what that means...
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EARTH- WGUV:
Hoppity hoppity rabbity rabbity! Boing boing!
"Oh, mumma! Look at all the cute bunny rabbits!"
"Goodness, Chloe, there are so many of them! I wonder where those little woodland creatures came from? And where the horribly weaponed vessels bristling with the accoutrements of untold death and suffering came from... and why the little bunny rabbits have just teleported away? Er, Chloe?"
"Yes, mumma?"
"RUN!!!"
Several seconds later, however, there was a devastating roar and this particular alternate Earth shattered into myriads of incandescent fragments. After the Cute Earth Armada had harvested it for fuel, the winsome woodland creatures that inhabited it then sang jolly rustic songs with an incongruous pretense of childhood innocence and wholesomeness. Several humanoid cultures in electronic transmission range developed mass outbreaks of diabetes and had to invent insulin in a hurry. And then, the cruel and sadistic inhabitants of Cute Earth got their comeuppance when they encountered an implacable foe- the Squi'id'wyd. For this octopoid race suffered from unipolar depression and were physiologically and psychologically incapable of being 'happy' or responding to 'pleasant' emotional stimuli. Significant proportions of the Cute Earth Armada were blasted into muons by the totally resistant Squi'id'wyd orbital stations, so the Cute Earthers had to jump within an adjacent singularity until they found a compatible universe.
Guess which one?
UNIVERSE-55:
As ominous martial music played, the tyrannical overlord of the Cute Earth Armada, Hellish Kitty, pondered what to do next as Earth-55 lay in the interplay of their tactical holographiers. A horde of Attack Bunnies came to a halt and saluted:
"By your command, Empress Hellish Kitty."
"Speak, General Pityless Rabbit."
"We are indeed fortunate, Your Imperial Cruelness. Larval stage hominids ingest huge amounts of Cute Animal media content and then endlessly harangue their long-suffering parental units to purchase commodities based on that. And even better, there is a crossover adult audience for such media content. Unfortunately, this world is guarded by an ensemble of metasapients. And worse still, there is a predecessor organisation of similar metasapients during its second global conflict in the Nineteen-Forties according to their chronologies."
"And are there any susceptible beings amongst this coalition of assailants?"
"One of them, Lady Liberty, is owned by a cat."
"Ah. Excellent. We can exploit that weakness. Assemble the Lethal Siberion Kitten Death Squad, General Pityless."
"Lolcat cannons are also primed and ready, Your Imperial Cruelness."
"Fire them now! Blanket the entire world with images of felines who speak pidgin English and who harbour avarice, greed and gluttony toward human possessions!"
EARTH-55: FBUS HQ:
"Kittom! Aquakitten! Batkitten! Black Kittenary! Elongated Kitten! Flashkitten! Green Kitten Arrow! Green Kitten Lantern! Hawk-Kitten! Firestormkitten! Red Kittenado! Superkitten! Wonder Kitten! Kittenana!"
"All right, who opened the portal to Earth C-?" Black Vulcan responded.
"I don't think it's them, Pierce. For one thing, all of those kittens have red satanic eyes, razor sharp teeth and decidedly bad intentions."
"But they're so cute, Bat Woman." The Mighty HermAphrodite said, feeling their will wilt before the influx of small cats.
"That's the problem, Butch and Toni. Their enormous eyes and small size mesmerise humans, making it difficult to resist them. Their actual intents are murderous and belligerent. They've obviously been cloned to take on the Freedom Brigade, while Washingtub and all the other world capitals are overrun by inane chattering attack bunnies."
"Not one word about the Republicans!" Lady Liberty snapped.
"Look Dana, there's your offsider, Libby the Liberty Cat!" And as they watched, the Furry Face of Liberty soared overhead and bent its head, flinging its Liberty Cat Tiara at the incoming hordes of flying metakittens. As it sliced through the Kittom, it revealed:
"Circuitry and chips?! They're all robots!"
"Riaowww!!!" Libby said, as her Liberty Cat Tiara sliced through several of the other Injustice Kittens Against America feloids robots.
WASHINGTUB DC:
Hoppity hoppity rabbity rabbity!! Boing boing!!
Oh, crap.
But surely those big muscled humans wouldn't beat cute fluffy tailed long eared woodland bunnies like us to a pulp, would they?
"Mreoooor..."
Nope, they're letting their animal sidekicks do it to us instead.
And thus, Libby the Liberty Cat, Krytpk the Mighty Cat, Bat Poodle, Swift Parrot, Green Skunk and Princess Pug all descended on the wide eyed, nose wobbling chattering but also totally ruthless and depraved bunnies of death, who were no matter for the newly inaugurated Freedom Pets of the United States.
EPILOGUE:
"There is no doubt that the prompt action of the Freedom Pets of the United States saved us from an invasion of horrible, furry white depraved and twisted lapine overlords. Stern and unnecessarily violent massive overkill was totally warranted to repulse this repugnant threat to our national security. We must never sleep ignorantly in our beds again, given the clear and present danger the monstrous threat of interdimensional rabbitism poses to innocent Earths elsewhere in the multiverse like ours!"
-Senator Anya Xandering, DEM-Funnydale, Report of the Committee on the Valiant and Heroic Meta-Animal Defence of the Capitol From Nauseating Lagomorphs Through Stomping, Frying, Incineration, Crushing and Other Necessary Measures.
THE END [11.45 AM, JULY 27, 2024]
+++
EARTH- WGUV:
Hoppity hoppity rabbity rabbity! Boing boing!
"Oh, mumma! Look at all the cute bunny rabbits!"
"Goodness, Chloe, there are so many of them! I wonder where those little woodland creatures came from? And where the horribly weaponed vessels bristling with the accoutrements of untold death and suffering came from... and why the little bunny rabbits have just teleported away? Er, Chloe?"
"Yes, mumma?"
"RUN!!!"
Several seconds later, however, there was a devastating roar and this particular alternate Earth shattered into myriads of incandescent fragments. After the Cute Earth Armada had harvested it for fuel, the winsome woodland creatures that inhabited it then sang jolly rustic songs with an incongruous pretense of childhood innocence and wholesomeness. Several humanoid cultures in electronic transmission range developed mass outbreaks of diabetes and had to invent insulin in a hurry. And then, the cruel and sadistic inhabitants of Cute Earth got their comeuppance when they encountered an implacable foe- the Squi'id'wyd. For this octopoid race suffered from unipolar depression and were physiologically and psychologically incapable of being 'happy' or responding to 'pleasant' emotional stimuli. Significant proportions of the Cute Earth Armada were blasted into muons by the totally resistant Squi'id'wyd orbital stations, so the Cute Earthers had to jump within an adjacent singularity until they found a compatible universe.
Guess which one?
UNIVERSE-55:
As ominous martial music played, the tyrannical overlord of the Cute Earth Armada, Hellish Kitty, pondered what to do next as Earth-55 lay in the interplay of their tactical holographiers. A horde of Attack Bunnies came to a halt and saluted:
"By your command, Empress Hellish Kitty."
"Speak, General Pityless Rabbit."
"We are indeed fortunate, Your Imperial Cruelness. Larval stage hominids ingest huge amounts of Cute Animal media content and then endlessly harangue their long-suffering parental units to purchase commodities based on that. And even better, there is a crossover adult audience for such media content. Unfortunately, this world is guarded by an ensemble of metasapients. And worse still, there is a predecessor organisation of similar metasapients during its second global conflict in the Nineteen-Forties according to their chronologies."
"And are there any susceptible beings amongst this coalition of assailants?"
"One of them, Lady Liberty, is owned by a cat."
"Ah. Excellent. We can exploit that weakness. Assemble the Lethal Siberion Kitten Death Squad, General Pityless."
"Lolcat cannons are also primed and ready, Your Imperial Cruelness."
"Fire them now! Blanket the entire world with images of felines who speak pidgin English and who harbour avarice, greed and gluttony toward human possessions!"
EARTH-55: FBUS HQ:
"Kittom! Aquakitten! Batkitten! Black Kittenary! Elongated Kitten! Flashkitten! Green Kitten Arrow! Green Kitten Lantern! Hawk-Kitten! Firestormkitten! Red Kittenado! Superkitten! Wonder Kitten! Kittenana!"
"All right, who opened the portal to Earth C-?" Black Vulcan responded.
"I don't think it's them, Pierce. For one thing, all of those kittens have red satanic eyes, razor sharp teeth and decidedly bad intentions."
"But they're so cute, Bat Woman." The Mighty HermAphrodite said, feeling their will wilt before the influx of small cats.
"That's the problem, Butch and Toni. Their enormous eyes and small size mesmerise humans, making it difficult to resist them. Their actual intents are murderous and belligerent. They've obviously been cloned to take on the Freedom Brigade, while Washingtub and all the other world capitals are overrun by inane chattering attack bunnies."
"Not one word about the Republicans!" Lady Liberty snapped.
"Look Dana, there's your offsider, Libby the Liberty Cat!" And as they watched, the Furry Face of Liberty soared overhead and bent its head, flinging its Liberty Cat Tiara at the incoming hordes of flying metakittens. As it sliced through the Kittom, it revealed:
"Circuitry and chips?! They're all robots!"
"Riaowww!!!" Libby said, as her Liberty Cat Tiara sliced through several of the other Injustice Kittens Against America feloids robots.
WASHINGTUB DC:
Hoppity hoppity rabbity rabbity!! Boing boing!!
Oh, crap.
But surely those big muscled humans wouldn't beat cute fluffy tailed long eared woodland bunnies like us to a pulp, would they?
"Mreoooor..."
Nope, they're letting their animal sidekicks do it to us instead.
And thus, Libby the Liberty Cat, Krytpk the Mighty Cat, Bat Poodle, Swift Parrot, Green Skunk and Princess Pug all descended on the wide eyed, nose wobbling chattering but also totally ruthless and depraved bunnies of death, who were no matter for the newly inaugurated Freedom Pets of the United States.
EPILOGUE:
"There is no doubt that the prompt action of the Freedom Pets of the United States saved us from an invasion of horrible, furry white depraved and twisted lapine overlords. Stern and unnecessarily violent massive overkill was totally warranted to repulse this repugnant threat to our national security. We must never sleep ignorantly in our beds again, given the clear and present danger the monstrous threat of interdimensional rabbitism poses to innocent Earths elsewhere in the multiverse like ours!"
-Senator Anya Xandering, DEM-Funnydale, Report of the Committee on the Valiant and Heroic Meta-Animal Defence of the Capitol From Nauseating Lagomorphs Through Stomping, Frying, Incineration, Crushing and Other Necessary Measures.
THE END [11.45 AM, JULY 27, 2024]