Post by redsycorax on Jun 9, 2020 2:03:49 GMT
Other "humorous" Earths have one note 'funny' routines that are painfully and badly extrapolated into ensembles. For example, the Zoo Crew and Justa Lotta Animals consist of anthropomorphic 'funny animal' superheroes that have typical superpowers on Earth-26. On Earth-862, someone established a ridiculously unlikely chain of events and plopped some Golden Age heroes into it, loaded it with trite acronyms and used it as filler between Earth-55 stories. As for Earth-55, its Freedom Brigade is a bargain basement rip off of the JLA- Mister Might is Superman, his wife Mermaid is either Lori Lemaris or Queen Mera of Atlantis, Captain Swift is a Flash derivative, Green Trashcan was filched from Charlton's short-lived 1967 teen humour comic GoGo's "Bestest League" to mimic Green Lantern, Bowman is Green Arrow in a different coloured outfit, Princess Power and Lady Liberty are Wonder Women doubleups and the Patriot is based very loosely on Uncle Sam. Lightpower is a Nightwing knockoff. The author 'borrowed' Badman, a villainous Batman parody, from Go-Go again because he couldn't develop an original idea if his livelihood depended on it. And if you think that's funny, then there's also Badgirl, extrapolated from the same source. He's so desperate that he even ripped off the Bat Woman character from a Z-grade rip off sixties movie and stole the Eye from a Salvation Army store second hand copy of the League of Regrettable Superheroes. I mean, seriously, do you folks want to read this...AWKKKKKK!!!!
[That'll do, you bloody cheeky narratophage. Yes, Earth-55 has been reiterated. Presumably someone has the code for it in the multiversal Forge and popped out yet another copy of this page's 'parody' DC alternate Earth. Anyhow, it occurred to me we haven't had an alien invasion in this thread yet, so....]
THE GREAT DARK BLOT ON NEPTUNE-55:
A solitary tripod trudged across the blue icy solid surface of Neptune, given that despite alternate universe laws of planetary formation, all of the gas giants in Solar System 55 had solid surfaces and were inhabited. And no, I don't know why it's a tripod, they seem to be the preferred vehicles of alien invaders, except those who arrive from exploding or otherwise demolished planets with benign super infants or adolescents. At length, it passed through a permeable barrier into the Grand Hall of the Tentacled Cephalopoids of Neptune, to musical accompaniement. A distant telephone rang as it reported the planetary situation to its superiors. Eventually, one of them intoned:
"Neptune will soon be incapable of supporting life. For some reason, all our liquid methane and ammonia have frozen up in high summer and all our plumbing is bung. Our population is dwindling"
"Yes, with 17, 203 sexes, reproduction is difficult for our species. At any given time, 2918 have a headache. Hey, let's invade Earth!"
"Why? The bloody Martians tried it but the stupid bastards didn't prepare any medical defences in case they were infected by Terran micro-organisms."
"Ah, but they won't be expecting an invasion from us, this far out."
"It's too hot."
"Not really. It'll be uncomfortable, but with our murder death kill rays, we can subjugate the humans after we launch an immediate attack on their social and economic heart. We haven't needed this for 50,000 years since we slammed into Uranus, but our advanced technology will overwhelm their primitive defences."
EARTH-55: ARNOLDSTOWN:
"No one could have believed in the first years of the twenty first century that Earth was being watched from the pointless void of space. Minds immeasurably more bored than ours with nothing better to do regarded our Earth with envious eyes and slowly but surely, given numerous bureaucratic setbacks in the preparation process beforehand, they drew their plans, decided against it, drew some more plans, decided against them, and then a third, fourth and fifth version, until they finally decided on it on their fifty-third try." Black Vulcan said portentously.
"That's pretentious. Are you saying we're about to be attacked by a hostile alien species?"
"He's right, though. With my long distance radar vision, I can see puffs of methane emanating from the bottom of Uranus."
"Do you realise how cliched and awfully derivative that sounds?" Lady Liberty complained.
"Oops, sorry, wrong interchangeable ice giant. No, actually, repeated puffs of methane are emanating from the frigid surface of Neptune, sorry." Mr Might said, twiddlng some knobs on the Omnicosmic Viewscreen until the four on-duty Freedom Brigade members caught sight of syncopated boogying flashes of green light heading toward the delicate blue-green destination, Earth. Inevitably, Patriot made a cheap sexist joke: "Frigid, eh? That'll mean you're right at home, Dana."
"Don't start, Stan. This looks extremely serious, particularly given the sinister orchestral soundtrack churning away below it. Oh. It's landed on top of the Trumpanzee."
"Say what? They're friendly, you mean?" Black Vulcan exclaimed.
"The chances of anything coming from Neptune are a billion to one" Mr Might said, hitting the Troubalert.
"But still, they come. Which is more than Stan has managed to do for the last decade." Lady Liberty observed.
There was a screeching and clanking sound as the Freedom Brigade teleport ground its complement of heroes into existence. Mermaid, Bowman, Green Trashcan, Captain Swift and Princess Power stumbled out of the matter transmitter and startled, looked at the viewscreen:
"We're being invaded from outer space. What hideous, ghastly alien creature wants to terrorise our planet?" Bowman gasped
"Watch it, you." Mr Might glowered, due to the fact that he was the team's sole resident alien, not the last survivor of the undoomed planet Neon.
"They seem to have landed on the Blue House lawn. And hammering noises are emanating from inside those pit of theirs." Mermaid tried to twiddle some more knobs, but could only get five more minutes of orchestral accompaniement with somewhat overdone synthesiser overload. As they sat twiddling their thumbs, the music eventually came to a close and a troop of soldiers came into formation. At dawn, yet another flying pyramid landed with a crash and bang.
The orchestra began again but suddenly there was a flash of blue light and they lapsed into silence.
"Oops. They've managed to wipe out thousands of soldiers while we were nodding off. It looks like it's making for the Blue House."
"But it's in the Presidential Garden. Oh look, it's obliterated the Senate building."
"Excuse me, why is this turning into a Democrat wish fulfilment fantasy? Look! There they are! Doing disco routines to their own soundtrack." Patriot exclaimed
"To the teleport!" commanded Mr Might.
"Do we have to?" Black Vulcan objected.
"There may be innocent individuals trapped in there, as well as depraved Machiavellean Republicans." Mermaid replied
"You're not going to let that accidental nuclear waste episode drop on Lemuria go, are you, Lauren?" Patriot growled at her.
"Considering my aunt is now a ferocious bad tempered Giant Octoshark, Stan, what do you think?"
"Another thing. I refuse to be first out of the teleport. This group's record when it comes to minorities is seriously ofay." Black Vulcan added.
"But Pete, you're a valued member of this team, just like Samurai, Apache Chief, and El Dorado were. Oops. Yes, I see what you mean. Harry, you go first."
"Like hell. Look, have you forgotten what happens to happily coupled lesbians and gay men in these series? Either a piece of falling masonry will hit me or it'll fall on my husband Ira."
"While you boys are arguing, my beloved Steve Tremor is panicking and running toward a boat out of America. Lauren, Dana, come on! And where's Vicky?"
WASHINGTON-55:
The Bat Fighter Jet came out of the sun, strafing the Neptunian attack army with flecks of neptunium, their one weakness. Below Bat Woman, a mass of human beings and Republicans were stampeding in fear, the beginning of the rout of humanity, and mascara on mankind. Steve Tremor caught sight of Princess Power and knocked out several individuals as he tried to get over to her: "Dinah! My love!"
"Steve! My submissive army guy who keeps getting tied up!" As a consequence of the stampede, the Freedom Brigade had a difficult time trying to combat the invasion. Ultimately, the entourage of fleeing human beings and Republicans found themselves on the USS President Joseph Biden. A Neptunian battlewagon tripped over the vessel and was immediately splashed to the four winds, leading the others to train their murder death kill rays on the fleeing vessel. Predictably, Mr Might interpolated himself between the ship and its attackers, while Mermaid used her telepathic abilities to mobilise as many maritime nuisances as she could manage. At which point, the Neptunians lost another battlecreature to the simple fact that its legs were too short to move into the deeper water.
Green Trashcan dialed up air freshener on his smell o ring and dealt with another three of the now deeply annoyed alien invaders. Black Vulcan flew up to another and roasted it. Lady Liberty used her diamond-sharp tiara to hack into another's legs, while Bat Woman used her Bat Fuel-Air Explosive to demolish another staging point. Lightpower and Bowman looked at each other, shrugged and did their nails.
THE GREAT DARK BLOT ON NEPTUNE-55:
Meanwhile, the Eye had used its omnipotence to traverse space in time in an eponymous blink, leading it to the headquarters of the nefarious invasion attempt. It frowned and used its time dilation vision to grab the attention of the Neptunian High Command:
"Could I ask why you're invading our planet, and why your world is inhabited in the first place? Wouldn't it be simpler to terraform Venus instead?"
"Butt out, alternate universe oculoid! We can't help it if this universe has a rudimentary sense of scientific accuracy and isn't bound by the laws of probability. Look around you. Neptune is dying!"
"It should never have been alive in the first place. given how slightly you're hovering above absolute zero. And for an advanced civilisation, surely you would have developed interstellar travel by now."
"We don't have to explain ourselves to you, Eye! Soon Earth will be under our cruel and ruthless domination!"
"Not with that dialogue and lack of irony, you won't."
"Who died and appointed you literary critic?" protested one Neptunian.
"And another thing. Surely Uranus is more your temperature and planetary environment. Why not conquer them instead?"
"Because of the easily imaginable cheap flatulence jokes that would ensue. Look, are you trying to distract our attention while your comrades defeat our invasion force?"
The Eye checked the Freedom Brigade chronometer:
"Well, no, but it was a particularly incompetent invasion force to begin with. And clumsy."
"We tire of this sarcastic dialogue. Begone!"
"Incidentally, the Freedom Brigade also asked me to present you with the bill for cleaning up and deporting your invasion force. It comes to 23 trillion Neptunocredits."
"What? But that will bankrupt Neptune's entire economy!"
"Well, you shouldn't have launched that invasion, should you? You managed to find large moolah for that little disaster."
"If we admit defeat, will you please go away and stop nagging us?"
"Oh, incidentally, Mr Might crumpled your invasion force together and flung it toward your planet. It should be arriving about..."
CRUNCH.
"...Now."
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
"Well, that was a colossal waste of time. What an incompetent alien invasion force. Don't tell me they'll try again, Eye?"
"No, Lady Liberty, the whole of Neptune is now bankrupt due to its ill-considered excursion sunwards."
"But what if they're taken over by an insane planetary dictator, rearm and launch another invasion?" Lightpower asked.
"Mars would probably hit them with an interplanetary copyright lawsuit. Remember Martler and his daughter Ma'avis Martler? They have the franchise for grotesque copyrights of Terran political tyrannies and they don't take kindly to its infringement."
"So once more Earth has been saved. And no-one was killed." Princess Power said happily.
"Apart from the Trumpanzee, but it doesn't count. Actually, it can't count."
EPILOGUE:
Well, there's not much else left to relate. What happened next was the Neptunians got addicted to the red weed that the Martians shipped to them in exchange for buying Triton 55 from them. Yes, I know that's a highly unoriginal pot joke, but I had to end this somehow. And so, our heroic defenders of global life, liberty and prosperity stepped staunchly into the setting sun, their job done yet again.
THE END>
[That'll do, you bloody cheeky narratophage. Yes, Earth-55 has been reiterated. Presumably someone has the code for it in the multiversal Forge and popped out yet another copy of this page's 'parody' DC alternate Earth. Anyhow, it occurred to me we haven't had an alien invasion in this thread yet, so....]
THE GREAT DARK BLOT ON NEPTUNE-55:
A solitary tripod trudged across the blue icy solid surface of Neptune, given that despite alternate universe laws of planetary formation, all of the gas giants in Solar System 55 had solid surfaces and were inhabited. And no, I don't know why it's a tripod, they seem to be the preferred vehicles of alien invaders, except those who arrive from exploding or otherwise demolished planets with benign super infants or adolescents. At length, it passed through a permeable barrier into the Grand Hall of the Tentacled Cephalopoids of Neptune, to musical accompaniement. A distant telephone rang as it reported the planetary situation to its superiors. Eventually, one of them intoned:
"Neptune will soon be incapable of supporting life. For some reason, all our liquid methane and ammonia have frozen up in high summer and all our plumbing is bung. Our population is dwindling"
"Yes, with 17, 203 sexes, reproduction is difficult for our species. At any given time, 2918 have a headache. Hey, let's invade Earth!"
"Why? The bloody Martians tried it but the stupid bastards didn't prepare any medical defences in case they were infected by Terran micro-organisms."
"Ah, but they won't be expecting an invasion from us, this far out."
"It's too hot."
"Not really. It'll be uncomfortable, but with our murder death kill rays, we can subjugate the humans after we launch an immediate attack on their social and economic heart. We haven't needed this for 50,000 years since we slammed into Uranus, but our advanced technology will overwhelm their primitive defences."
EARTH-55: ARNOLDSTOWN:
"No one could have believed in the first years of the twenty first century that Earth was being watched from the pointless void of space. Minds immeasurably more bored than ours with nothing better to do regarded our Earth with envious eyes and slowly but surely, given numerous bureaucratic setbacks in the preparation process beforehand, they drew their plans, decided against it, drew some more plans, decided against them, and then a third, fourth and fifth version, until they finally decided on it on their fifty-third try." Black Vulcan said portentously.
"That's pretentious. Are you saying we're about to be attacked by a hostile alien species?"
"He's right, though. With my long distance radar vision, I can see puffs of methane emanating from the bottom of Uranus."
"Do you realise how cliched and awfully derivative that sounds?" Lady Liberty complained.
"Oops, sorry, wrong interchangeable ice giant. No, actually, repeated puffs of methane are emanating from the frigid surface of Neptune, sorry." Mr Might said, twiddlng some knobs on the Omnicosmic Viewscreen until the four on-duty Freedom Brigade members caught sight of syncopated boogying flashes of green light heading toward the delicate blue-green destination, Earth. Inevitably, Patriot made a cheap sexist joke: "Frigid, eh? That'll mean you're right at home, Dana."
"Don't start, Stan. This looks extremely serious, particularly given the sinister orchestral soundtrack churning away below it. Oh. It's landed on top of the Trumpanzee."
"Say what? They're friendly, you mean?" Black Vulcan exclaimed.
"The chances of anything coming from Neptune are a billion to one" Mr Might said, hitting the Troubalert.
"But still, they come. Which is more than Stan has managed to do for the last decade." Lady Liberty observed.
There was a screeching and clanking sound as the Freedom Brigade teleport ground its complement of heroes into existence. Mermaid, Bowman, Green Trashcan, Captain Swift and Princess Power stumbled out of the matter transmitter and startled, looked at the viewscreen:
"We're being invaded from outer space. What hideous, ghastly alien creature wants to terrorise our planet?" Bowman gasped
"Watch it, you." Mr Might glowered, due to the fact that he was the team's sole resident alien, not the last survivor of the undoomed planet Neon.
"They seem to have landed on the Blue House lawn. And hammering noises are emanating from inside those pit of theirs." Mermaid tried to twiddle some more knobs, but could only get five more minutes of orchestral accompaniement with somewhat overdone synthesiser overload. As they sat twiddling their thumbs, the music eventually came to a close and a troop of soldiers came into formation. At dawn, yet another flying pyramid landed with a crash and bang.
The orchestra began again but suddenly there was a flash of blue light and they lapsed into silence.
"Oops. They've managed to wipe out thousands of soldiers while we were nodding off. It looks like it's making for the Blue House."
"But it's in the Presidential Garden. Oh look, it's obliterated the Senate building."
"Excuse me, why is this turning into a Democrat wish fulfilment fantasy? Look! There they are! Doing disco routines to their own soundtrack." Patriot exclaimed
"To the teleport!" commanded Mr Might.
"Do we have to?" Black Vulcan objected.
"There may be innocent individuals trapped in there, as well as depraved Machiavellean Republicans." Mermaid replied
"You're not going to let that accidental nuclear waste episode drop on Lemuria go, are you, Lauren?" Patriot growled at her.
"Considering my aunt is now a ferocious bad tempered Giant Octoshark, Stan, what do you think?"
"Another thing. I refuse to be first out of the teleport. This group's record when it comes to minorities is seriously ofay." Black Vulcan added.
"But Pete, you're a valued member of this team, just like Samurai, Apache Chief, and El Dorado were. Oops. Yes, I see what you mean. Harry, you go first."
"Like hell. Look, have you forgotten what happens to happily coupled lesbians and gay men in these series? Either a piece of falling masonry will hit me or it'll fall on my husband Ira."
"While you boys are arguing, my beloved Steve Tremor is panicking and running toward a boat out of America. Lauren, Dana, come on! And where's Vicky?"
WASHINGTON-55:
The Bat Fighter Jet came out of the sun, strafing the Neptunian attack army with flecks of neptunium, their one weakness. Below Bat Woman, a mass of human beings and Republicans were stampeding in fear, the beginning of the rout of humanity, and mascara on mankind. Steve Tremor caught sight of Princess Power and knocked out several individuals as he tried to get over to her: "Dinah! My love!"
"Steve! My submissive army guy who keeps getting tied up!" As a consequence of the stampede, the Freedom Brigade had a difficult time trying to combat the invasion. Ultimately, the entourage of fleeing human beings and Republicans found themselves on the USS President Joseph Biden. A Neptunian battlewagon tripped over the vessel and was immediately splashed to the four winds, leading the others to train their murder death kill rays on the fleeing vessel. Predictably, Mr Might interpolated himself between the ship and its attackers, while Mermaid used her telepathic abilities to mobilise as many maritime nuisances as she could manage. At which point, the Neptunians lost another battlecreature to the simple fact that its legs were too short to move into the deeper water.
Green Trashcan dialed up air freshener on his smell o ring and dealt with another three of the now deeply annoyed alien invaders. Black Vulcan flew up to another and roasted it. Lady Liberty used her diamond-sharp tiara to hack into another's legs, while Bat Woman used her Bat Fuel-Air Explosive to demolish another staging point. Lightpower and Bowman looked at each other, shrugged and did their nails.
THE GREAT DARK BLOT ON NEPTUNE-55:
Meanwhile, the Eye had used its omnipotence to traverse space in time in an eponymous blink, leading it to the headquarters of the nefarious invasion attempt. It frowned and used its time dilation vision to grab the attention of the Neptunian High Command:
"Could I ask why you're invading our planet, and why your world is inhabited in the first place? Wouldn't it be simpler to terraform Venus instead?"
"Butt out, alternate universe oculoid! We can't help it if this universe has a rudimentary sense of scientific accuracy and isn't bound by the laws of probability. Look around you. Neptune is dying!"
"It should never have been alive in the first place. given how slightly you're hovering above absolute zero. And for an advanced civilisation, surely you would have developed interstellar travel by now."
"We don't have to explain ourselves to you, Eye! Soon Earth will be under our cruel and ruthless domination!"
"Not with that dialogue and lack of irony, you won't."
"Who died and appointed you literary critic?" protested one Neptunian.
"And another thing. Surely Uranus is more your temperature and planetary environment. Why not conquer them instead?"
"Because of the easily imaginable cheap flatulence jokes that would ensue. Look, are you trying to distract our attention while your comrades defeat our invasion force?"
The Eye checked the Freedom Brigade chronometer:
"Well, no, but it was a particularly incompetent invasion force to begin with. And clumsy."
"We tire of this sarcastic dialogue. Begone!"
"Incidentally, the Freedom Brigade also asked me to present you with the bill for cleaning up and deporting your invasion force. It comes to 23 trillion Neptunocredits."
"What? But that will bankrupt Neptune's entire economy!"
"Well, you shouldn't have launched that invasion, should you? You managed to find large moolah for that little disaster."
"If we admit defeat, will you please go away and stop nagging us?"
"Oh, incidentally, Mr Might crumpled your invasion force together and flung it toward your planet. It should be arriving about..."
CRUNCH.
"...Now."
FREEDOM BRIGADE SATELLITE:
"Well, that was a colossal waste of time. What an incompetent alien invasion force. Don't tell me they'll try again, Eye?"
"No, Lady Liberty, the whole of Neptune is now bankrupt due to its ill-considered excursion sunwards."
"But what if they're taken over by an insane planetary dictator, rearm and launch another invasion?" Lightpower asked.
"Mars would probably hit them with an interplanetary copyright lawsuit. Remember Martler and his daughter Ma'avis Martler? They have the franchise for grotesque copyrights of Terran political tyrannies and they don't take kindly to its infringement."
"So once more Earth has been saved. And no-one was killed." Princess Power said happily.
"Apart from the Trumpanzee, but it doesn't count. Actually, it can't count."
EPILOGUE:
Well, there's not much else left to relate. What happened next was the Neptunians got addicted to the red weed that the Martians shipped to them in exchange for buying Triton 55 from them. Yes, I know that's a highly unoriginal pot joke, but I had to end this somehow. And so, our heroic defenders of global life, liberty and prosperity stepped staunchly into the setting sun, their job done yet again.
THE END>