Post by redsycorax on Sept 21, 2020 1:24:50 GMT
Perhaps you've heard of Earth-7891, where an alternate Superman had an impromptu team up with four highly intelligent children in their airborne clubhouse and a gigantic brown-furred talking rabbit named Quik, which wore a Q around its neck? And Nestles Quik chocolate flavoured milk was the beverage du jour. All right, so apparently it was left over from the Crisis on Infinite Earths because no-one particularly wanted to claim responsibility for it. When the NesQuik Bunny tried to travel to an Earth more suited to talking anthropomorphic animals, he ran afoul of nudity taboos on Earths C, C- and C+ and Earth-R was destroyed before he could don a handy shirt due to its relaxed dress code. The NesQuik Bunny gave up, returned to Earth-7891, and settled down there. It turned out to be quite long-lived.
Popping into existence in 1973, it appeared alongside Superman aged fourteen, in January 1987, and lived through Superman's interminable employment at the Daily Pelmet, as well as his seemingly permanent bachelorhood. The fortunate fauna had its own romance with the Female NesQuik Bunny, settled down and married her and together, they had several litters of their own. Unfortunately for the NesQuik Bunny, it had its own evil mirror universe counterpart, the NoirQuik Bunny of Earth - -7891. During the grim and gritty period of the eighties, the NoirQuik Bunny changed Earths, located its nauseatingly nice twin and its family and massacred them all. It then went on to become a supervillain.
++
"Great Krypton!" Superman exclaimed, given that the Joker was sprawled on the ground, his manic grin inverted, with a gory mixture of blood and chocolate milk littered around him.
"What is it, Superman?" asked Lois Lemon, rhetorically, although she could see the Nestles Quick carton rammed in a most unseemly place.
"Why, it's Batman's old foe, the Joker, but he's been murdered, Lois!"
"I thought Batman had retired to Stately Wayne Manor several years ago?"
"No, Lois. The Joker assembled an Injustice Gang of Evil and fought the JLA numerous times afterward, becoming a free-floating supervillain unconnected to any superhero!"
"Could this have been one of the other supervillains with a grudge?"
"No. Lois. I was afraid of this. What's anthropomorphic, brown and addicted to Nestles Quik Chocolate Milk?"
"Oh no! No! No! You mean the Nestles Quik Bunny has become corrupted and psychopathic?"
Superman shook his head:
"Choke. Gasp. No, Lois. I'll never forget that dark, dark, dark day I found the NesQuik Bunny, Mrs NesQuik Bunny and all the cute baby NesQuik Bunnies dead! Dead! Dead!"
"Was it a Nestles Quik overdose, Superman?"
"No, Lois, something far, far, far, far worse! It's the NoirQuik Bunny, the NesQuik Bunny's diabolically evil and monstrous twin from Earth- -7891! On that world, the NoirQuik Bunny came into existence in 1973, but was the corporate shill for Noirstles, an evil corporate counterpart of Nestles, which peddled oversugared fatty adulterated chocolate childrens milk! Winning a corporate social irresponsibility case against it, the NoirQuik Bunny crossed the multiverse until it encountered our own Earth-7891 and proceeded to wreak havoc and turmoil in its wicked lagomorphic path!!"
In the submarine QlubHQ of Evil, the insanely chortling NoirQuik Bunny addressed his fiendish minions:
"Ronnie...you know all there is to know about geography and are instrumental in helping me plan heists! Patty... you're a prodigious scientist, who helped me rig up my murderdeathkill robots and increase the toxicity of Noirquik! Miguel...your specialty is languages and communication, even Kryptonese! And Maureen...you're highly knowledgeable about computers! Together we'll subdue this puny weakling Earth!!"
"We'd follow you anywhere, NoirQuick Bunny!"
"Your loyalty to me is touching, Patty!"
"Primarily because you got us hooked on this NoirQuik crap and I haven't been able to work out an antidote to its addictive properties..."
"And another thing- why do you froth at the mouth so much these days?" Miguel asked their malevolent mentor.
"I have Space Rabies. Back to work, my loyal servants. I have a feeling Superman is not all that far away..."
"Great Caesar's Ghost, Oosen! Are you cross dressing again?"
"You can call me Jenny Oosen now, Chief!"
"Don't call me Chief!"
"I realised on the last assignment that I had gender dysphoria and that this whole multiverse is trans-underinclusive! So I'm transitioning to Jenny Oosen, Superman's Best Female Pal!"
"You can't be Superman's Best Female Pal! You don't have the initials LL, which is a prerequisite for membership of that highly exclusive club!" Lois said haughtily.
"Where's Clint Keck this morning?" Clint emerged from a convenient disused store room, knotting his tie.
"Keck. As usual, you missed everything. Superman was defeated by the NoirQuik Bunny again!"
Clint produced an immaculately typewritten manuscript and handed it to Perry Winkle:
"Actually, no, Perry. I got an interview with both Superman and the NoirQuik Bunny shortly after their latest showdown."
Lois seethed: "Damn you, Clint! Not again! What is it with you and your confidential line to Superman?"
Clint smiled to himself: "Temper, temper, Lois. Nice frock, Jim- er, Jenny."
Jenny blushed and sashayed away. Suddenly, Clint heard the maniacal distant laugh of the distant NoirQuick Bunny again! Using his heat vision, he quickly burst a water pipe, spraying Lois with gallons of the liquid!: "Oh, great. Just when I decide to dye my hair blonde to get my leg over Superman, this happens!"
Conveniently, this allowed Clint time to slip away, open his shirt, doff his trousers and shoes and take off his glasses, before folding them into a neat ensemble and stuffing them into his cape pocket. He used his heat vision to fuse the lock shut, then flew out the open window at superspeed, on path for the larcenous lagomorph!
The NoirQuik Bunny had propelled his horde of lethal murderdeathkill robots down Schleisinger Avenue and was wreaking mayhem, forcing cornered passers-by to drink the ghastly NoirQuick formula and immediately fall unconscious, or mesmerised by the iron will of the raving rabbit! The NoirQuik Bunny looked up:
"Yes, Superman! With my new, improved formula for NoirQuik, I will either incapacitate or enslave all of Metrollopis!"
"You've forgotten something, NoirQuik Bunny! With my microscopic vision, I learnt the chemical formula of NoirQuik and instantly devised an antidote! Your plans are frustrated! Now come quietly, and face the consequences of your actions!"
"No court on this Earth can try me, basically because they have no jurisdiction over four foot tall anthropomorphic cartoon animals!"
"Not so fast, NoirQuik Bunny!" Superman produced his Phantom Zone projector and almost at once, the NoirQuik Bunny started to fade to a transparent outline before becoming invisible altogether.
And with that, the NoirQuik Bunny was imprisoned in the Phantom Zone for the next one thousand three hundred years, until someone remembered he was there.
Several years later, this cheap ripoff piece of badly plotted cusory charactrisation and surrealist crossover with a corrupted version of a beverage company corporate icon was abruptly erased from existence in yet another multiversal trauma, the Crisis on Incredibly Irritating Earths, because this time, Earth-7891 did meet the bill for mass devastation. And almost all of them screamed and were transformed into a rapidly dispersing swarm of Hawking radiation in a matter of microseconds. In his eldritch confines, the NoirQuik Bunny had the last demented series of hysterical laughs.
THE END
Popping into existence in 1973, it appeared alongside Superman aged fourteen, in January 1987, and lived through Superman's interminable employment at the Daily Pelmet, as well as his seemingly permanent bachelorhood. The fortunate fauna had its own romance with the Female NesQuik Bunny, settled down and married her and together, they had several litters of their own. Unfortunately for the NesQuik Bunny, it had its own evil mirror universe counterpart, the NoirQuik Bunny of Earth - -7891. During the grim and gritty period of the eighties, the NoirQuik Bunny changed Earths, located its nauseatingly nice twin and its family and massacred them all. It then went on to become a supervillain.
++
"Great Krypton!" Superman exclaimed, given that the Joker was sprawled on the ground, his manic grin inverted, with a gory mixture of blood and chocolate milk littered around him.
"What is it, Superman?" asked Lois Lemon, rhetorically, although she could see the Nestles Quick carton rammed in a most unseemly place.
"Why, it's Batman's old foe, the Joker, but he's been murdered, Lois!"
"I thought Batman had retired to Stately Wayne Manor several years ago?"
"No, Lois. The Joker assembled an Injustice Gang of Evil and fought the JLA numerous times afterward, becoming a free-floating supervillain unconnected to any superhero!"
"Could this have been one of the other supervillains with a grudge?"
"No. Lois. I was afraid of this. What's anthropomorphic, brown and addicted to Nestles Quik Chocolate Milk?"
"Oh no! No! No! You mean the Nestles Quik Bunny has become corrupted and psychopathic?"
Superman shook his head:
"Choke. Gasp. No, Lois. I'll never forget that dark, dark, dark day I found the NesQuik Bunny, Mrs NesQuik Bunny and all the cute baby NesQuik Bunnies dead! Dead! Dead!"
"Was it a Nestles Quik overdose, Superman?"
"No, Lois, something far, far, far, far worse! It's the NoirQuik Bunny, the NesQuik Bunny's diabolically evil and monstrous twin from Earth- -7891! On that world, the NoirQuik Bunny came into existence in 1973, but was the corporate shill for Noirstles, an evil corporate counterpart of Nestles, which peddled oversugared fatty adulterated chocolate childrens milk! Winning a corporate social irresponsibility case against it, the NoirQuik Bunny crossed the multiverse until it encountered our own Earth-7891 and proceeded to wreak havoc and turmoil in its wicked lagomorphic path!!"
In the submarine QlubHQ of Evil, the insanely chortling NoirQuik Bunny addressed his fiendish minions:
"Ronnie...you know all there is to know about geography and are instrumental in helping me plan heists! Patty... you're a prodigious scientist, who helped me rig up my murderdeathkill robots and increase the toxicity of Noirquik! Miguel...your specialty is languages and communication, even Kryptonese! And Maureen...you're highly knowledgeable about computers! Together we'll subdue this puny weakling Earth!!"
"We'd follow you anywhere, NoirQuick Bunny!"
"Your loyalty to me is touching, Patty!"
"Primarily because you got us hooked on this NoirQuik crap and I haven't been able to work out an antidote to its addictive properties..."
"And another thing- why do you froth at the mouth so much these days?" Miguel asked their malevolent mentor.
"I have Space Rabies. Back to work, my loyal servants. I have a feeling Superman is not all that far away..."
"Great Caesar's Ghost, Oosen! Are you cross dressing again?"
"You can call me Jenny Oosen now, Chief!"
"Don't call me Chief!"
"I realised on the last assignment that I had gender dysphoria and that this whole multiverse is trans-underinclusive! So I'm transitioning to Jenny Oosen, Superman's Best Female Pal!"
"You can't be Superman's Best Female Pal! You don't have the initials LL, which is a prerequisite for membership of that highly exclusive club!" Lois said haughtily.
"Where's Clint Keck this morning?" Clint emerged from a convenient disused store room, knotting his tie.
"Keck. As usual, you missed everything. Superman was defeated by the NoirQuik Bunny again!"
Clint produced an immaculately typewritten manuscript and handed it to Perry Winkle:
"Actually, no, Perry. I got an interview with both Superman and the NoirQuik Bunny shortly after their latest showdown."
Lois seethed: "Damn you, Clint! Not again! What is it with you and your confidential line to Superman?"
Clint smiled to himself: "Temper, temper, Lois. Nice frock, Jim- er, Jenny."
Jenny blushed and sashayed away. Suddenly, Clint heard the maniacal distant laugh of the distant NoirQuick Bunny again! Using his heat vision, he quickly burst a water pipe, spraying Lois with gallons of the liquid!: "Oh, great. Just when I decide to dye my hair blonde to get my leg over Superman, this happens!"
Conveniently, this allowed Clint time to slip away, open his shirt, doff his trousers and shoes and take off his glasses, before folding them into a neat ensemble and stuffing them into his cape pocket. He used his heat vision to fuse the lock shut, then flew out the open window at superspeed, on path for the larcenous lagomorph!
The NoirQuik Bunny had propelled his horde of lethal murderdeathkill robots down Schleisinger Avenue and was wreaking mayhem, forcing cornered passers-by to drink the ghastly NoirQuick formula and immediately fall unconscious, or mesmerised by the iron will of the raving rabbit! The NoirQuik Bunny looked up:
"Yes, Superman! With my new, improved formula for NoirQuik, I will either incapacitate or enslave all of Metrollopis!"
"You've forgotten something, NoirQuik Bunny! With my microscopic vision, I learnt the chemical formula of NoirQuik and instantly devised an antidote! Your plans are frustrated! Now come quietly, and face the consequences of your actions!"
"No court on this Earth can try me, basically because they have no jurisdiction over four foot tall anthropomorphic cartoon animals!"
"Not so fast, NoirQuik Bunny!" Superman produced his Phantom Zone projector and almost at once, the NoirQuik Bunny started to fade to a transparent outline before becoming invisible altogether.
And with that, the NoirQuik Bunny was imprisoned in the Phantom Zone for the next one thousand three hundred years, until someone remembered he was there.
Several years later, this cheap ripoff piece of badly plotted cusory charactrisation and surrealist crossover with a corrupted version of a beverage company corporate icon was abruptly erased from existence in yet another multiversal trauma, the Crisis on Incredibly Irritating Earths, because this time, Earth-7891 did meet the bill for mass devastation. And almost all of them screamed and were transformed into a rapidly dispersing swarm of Hawking radiation in a matter of microseconds. In his eldritch confines, the NoirQuik Bunny had the last demented series of hysterical laughs.
THE END