Post by redsycorax on Sept 23, 2020 2:24:41 GMT
In the Dork Multiverse, trite, badly designed and embarrassing story content from yesteryear gets needlessly recycled to provide incongruity and cheap satirical shots. Take Earth-K, for instance. On this Earth, gender roles were portrayed with quaint archaic overtones. Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor never quite seemed to be able to get married, although Wonder Woman had forgotten her Amazon heritage altogether and was fanatically set on walking down the aisle. Which wasn't surprising, considering the hopelessly garbled story of her origin- the Amazons lost their husbands in an ancient Greek battle and even Wonder Woman herself was the product of a relationship between Hippolyta and Theseus. Or Hercules. Or whomever, it wasn't actually spelt out anywhere. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Amazon developed an entourage of hangers on like Merboy/Merman, Birdboy/Birdman, an incongruous co-existence as Wonder Tot and Wonder Girl, and even nuptials with a Mr Monster, not to mention a lovesick unicellular Amoeba Man. I'm confused- surely amoeba have no biological sex as they're not differentiated enough? Anyhow, the latter's existence is the point of departure for this excursion into pointless derision.
++
It was October 1961. Even in the midst of the Cold War, Colonel Stefan Trifle had nothing better to do than mope about the endlessly frustrated nuptials of himself and Wonder Woman, who had captured his heart when he was a mere Captain. Although World War II was long over, and he had had several promotions, Stef was jealous about the bizarre interspecies relationships that his Amazon inamorata also had- particularly that no-good Ronno MacMerman. What was it about human/fishtail mutations anyway? Over brunch in Metropolis one day, Lois Lone had confided in him that while she was researching the early days of Superman in that city, she'd encountered evidence that the Kryptonian was in an illicit relationship with an apparent mermaid. She was amazed and disgusted! Never mind the fact that Superman was an alien Kryptonian, which made her a raving xenophile, there was a clear case of double standards here (hers). What would happen if they'd married and had children? Would Superman fertilise the roe and would they hatch into... and what would happen if some of them turned out to be fish faced and bodied humanoids the other way round?
Forewarned about this, Stefan had sought out Wonder Woman and stowed away on her invisible jet- leading to a situation where he showed up on Incongruity Island, a convenient waypoint where Amazons and others could intermix without the Amazons losing their powers and technology. There, he finally met Ronno MacMerman, who was horribly singing on his classical lyre for no apparent reason and got into a blazing row with him. Irately, Ronno hopped away into the water and proceeded to rescue Stefan from a swordfish, since, despite being an elite military officer, Stefan wasn't able to swim. Not to be outdone, Stefan grappled with Astygmis the Gorlla, eventually besting him, while grateful he wasn't on his Angel's dance card either. But then, both Ronno and Stefan were upstaged by a new interloper- apparently the knight Sir Galahad of the Round Table, despite the fact that he was fictional and canonically virgin. But Wonder Woman was mesmerised by the strikingly handsome medieval studhunkdude and lustfully thought:
Aphrodite be praised!!! Whooarrr! What a studly piece of man-crumpet that is! I can see his man-nipples through his tunic, stiffening in the breeze. His eyes so hazel. His codpiece so full. Who needs those two losers anyway?
"Wa-hay, Knighty! I'm all yours!" Unfortunately, despite her finely honed Amazon senses, Wonder Woman hadn't noticed the central casting flying saucer which zapped them upward. Suddenly, the knight began to lose definition and substance and swiftly metamorphosed into a...a ... giant amoeba!
Even worse, Wonder Woman found herself breaking into a bad parody song routine!
Giant micro-organisms here tonight
I'm fighting
I've got huge unicellular invaders up here (I'm fighting)
I'm fighting
Amoeba Amoebae
I never really knew that I could dance this badly
I wonder if the amoebae speak Spanish
¿Por que has invaido la Tierra (Sí), Gran germin (sí)
Vete por favor! (Amoeba, Amoeba)
Oh, Amoebae, when you pulsate like that
You make my bowels go mad
So go away (sí) and please leave (sí)
Reading my Amazon body language (uno, dos, tres, cuatro)
I want to fight
You know my bowels won't lie (I'm fighting)
And I'm starting to feel a horrid fright
All the infection, the pulsation
I can see that this is an invasion.
Hey, germ , I can see your body pulsating
And it's making me naueseous
And I didn't have the slightest idea
Until I saw you mutating (yech)
And when you slither across the saucer floor
I wish I could have ignored it!
Oh alien invader, I can see your insides pulsating
Why did you pretend to be a man when you have no gender?
Does this scriptwriter really know what he's doing
This barely seems to have a plot (Yeah)
Good taste and professional standards
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I'm fighting this dodgy dance scene, but I can't, so, you know
Exactly why is a bit too hard to explain (Uno, dos, tres, cuatro)
I never really wanted to dance like this (Hey)
¿Por que has invaido la Tierra (Sí), Gran germin (sí)
Vete por favor! (Amoeba, Amoeba)
Oh germy, when you talk like that (Uh oh) (Oh)
You must have me hypnotized (Oh)
So go away (Uh) and please refrain ( Uh)
From trying to take over my body (Yeah)
Señorita, feel the amoeba
Let me see you move like you're in a bad seventies disco
Yeah, oh, yeah, Wonder Woman hey! (Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah)
I'm on a flying saucer right now
My eyes don't lie
And I'm starting to fight you, germ
If I can stop vibrating like so
This bad joke can end here (I'm fighting)
Oh, you know I'm on this flying saucer
This dance routine is over
And I hope the amoebae don't bite
The revulsion, the pretentiousness
Thank goodness this routine
has reached its conclusion!
Horrified at the bad choreography and forced cheesy disco routine, Wonder Woman slumped into a chair as the giant micro-organism warbled malevolently:
"Puny Earthling! I am Amoeba Man! I have almost accomplished the doom of all of you Amazons! My time has come and now I'll strike! Attention, invasion fleet! Inform Queen Hypotenusa that her daughter is a captive in our starship, which basically means that she and her Amazons won't dare attack us! We'll take Paradise Island! With the Amazons beaten, Earth will fall to we malevolent unicellular organisms! Incidentally, marry me, Wonder Woman!!!"
Wonder Woman raised an eyebrow: "Firstly, how can you be an amoeba 'man' when all amoebae are unicellular organisms and reproduce through fission? You're not differentiated enough to have any biological sex and it's sixty years too soon for the concept of asexuality to gain traction in western society. Secondly, how do I know you won't try to eat my brain or infect my intestine? And please, put something on, I can see all of your organelles, you exhibitionist!!! Are you even heterosexual? You look like you're into phagocytosis!"
Amoeba Ma-er, Person- er, Whatever... indignantly replied: "That's just a cheap double entendre! Phagocytosis is my digestive process, which means I flow around objects I want to eat. Like your tasty cranial contents- yum yum yum!!! Oops."
"You're really getting up my nose!" Wonder Woman angrily responded.
"That's just stereotyping! Now submit, or else I'll order my legions to release our carefully cultivated bubonic plague bacilli!"
"Look, you don't need me to reproduce, so what's the point of marriage? And anyhow, no Earthly jurisdiction would legitimise marriage between an alien unicellular organism and a human female."
Suddenly, despite being an indomitable Amazonian warrior, Wonder Woman got quaintly sexist flutters:
"This is Wonder Woman!!! Anyone who hears me...if you love me...will grant my final wish!!! Stop the invaders!!! For the good of humanity!!!"
Suddenly, there was an horrendous crash, as Wonder Woman's invisible jet collided with the alien flying saucer. Amazons conveniently swarmed aboard and rapidly defeated the alien amoebae with large amounts of metronidazole and tinidazole. As Amoeba Ma- er Person er Whatever pulsated weakly before finally dying, it gasped: "Incidentally...speaking of phagocytosis...gasp...wheeze...have you used your time space visualiser to check up on the boys lately?"
Heart hammering, the Amazon Princess gasped and ran to her monitor. What she saw was extremely anachronistic for the sixties, but who cares. Yes, Stefan Trifle and Ronno MacMerman had given up on heterosexuality altogether after waiting decades to consummate their relationships with the Amazon and were busy passionately kissing each other:
"Bugger it! That's completely inappropriate for 1961. Right. I'm off to have an unconvincing interlude with sundry dinosaurs, have it off with yet another seven foot tall green fanged humanoid alien, and then deny it ever happened with an adult Sugar and Spike fifty years from now."
THE END
++
It was October 1961. Even in the midst of the Cold War, Colonel Stefan Trifle had nothing better to do than mope about the endlessly frustrated nuptials of himself and Wonder Woman, who had captured his heart when he was a mere Captain. Although World War II was long over, and he had had several promotions, Stef was jealous about the bizarre interspecies relationships that his Amazon inamorata also had- particularly that no-good Ronno MacMerman. What was it about human/fishtail mutations anyway? Over brunch in Metropolis one day, Lois Lone had confided in him that while she was researching the early days of Superman in that city, she'd encountered evidence that the Kryptonian was in an illicit relationship with an apparent mermaid. She was amazed and disgusted! Never mind the fact that Superman was an alien Kryptonian, which made her a raving xenophile, there was a clear case of double standards here (hers). What would happen if they'd married and had children? Would Superman fertilise the roe and would they hatch into... and what would happen if some of them turned out to be fish faced and bodied humanoids the other way round?
Forewarned about this, Stefan had sought out Wonder Woman and stowed away on her invisible jet- leading to a situation where he showed up on Incongruity Island, a convenient waypoint where Amazons and others could intermix without the Amazons losing their powers and technology. There, he finally met Ronno MacMerman, who was horribly singing on his classical lyre for no apparent reason and got into a blazing row with him. Irately, Ronno hopped away into the water and proceeded to rescue Stefan from a swordfish, since, despite being an elite military officer, Stefan wasn't able to swim. Not to be outdone, Stefan grappled with Astygmis the Gorlla, eventually besting him, while grateful he wasn't on his Angel's dance card either. But then, both Ronno and Stefan were upstaged by a new interloper- apparently the knight Sir Galahad of the Round Table, despite the fact that he was fictional and canonically virgin. But Wonder Woman was mesmerised by the strikingly handsome medieval studhunkdude and lustfully thought:
Aphrodite be praised!!! Whooarrr! What a studly piece of man-crumpet that is! I can see his man-nipples through his tunic, stiffening in the breeze. His eyes so hazel. His codpiece so full. Who needs those two losers anyway?
"Wa-hay, Knighty! I'm all yours!" Unfortunately, despite her finely honed Amazon senses, Wonder Woman hadn't noticed the central casting flying saucer which zapped them upward. Suddenly, the knight began to lose definition and substance and swiftly metamorphosed into a...a ... giant amoeba!
Even worse, Wonder Woman found herself breaking into a bad parody song routine!
Giant micro-organisms here tonight
I'm fighting
I've got huge unicellular invaders up here (I'm fighting)
I'm fighting
Amoeba Amoebae
I never really knew that I could dance this badly
I wonder if the amoebae speak Spanish
¿Por que has invaido la Tierra (Sí), Gran germin (sí)
Vete por favor! (Amoeba, Amoeba)
Oh, Amoebae, when you pulsate like that
You make my bowels go mad
So go away (sí) and please leave (sí)
Reading my Amazon body language (uno, dos, tres, cuatro)
I want to fight
You know my bowels won't lie (I'm fighting)
And I'm starting to feel a horrid fright
All the infection, the pulsation
I can see that this is an invasion.
Hey, germ , I can see your body pulsating
And it's making me naueseous
And I didn't have the slightest idea
Until I saw you mutating (yech)
And when you slither across the saucer floor
I wish I could have ignored it!
Oh alien invader, I can see your insides pulsating
Why did you pretend to be a man when you have no gender?
Does this scriptwriter really know what he's doing
This barely seems to have a plot (Yeah)
Good taste and professional standards
Have come to fail now, fail now
See, I'm fighting this dodgy dance scene, but I can't, so, you know
Exactly why is a bit too hard to explain (Uno, dos, tres, cuatro)
I never really wanted to dance like this (Hey)
¿Por que has invaido la Tierra (Sí), Gran germin (sí)
Vete por favor! (Amoeba, Amoeba)
Oh germy, when you talk like that (Uh oh) (Oh)
You must have me hypnotized (Oh)
So go away (Uh) and please refrain ( Uh)
From trying to take over my body (Yeah)
Señorita, feel the amoeba
Let me see you move like you're in a bad seventies disco
Yeah, oh, yeah, Wonder Woman hey! (Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah)
I'm on a flying saucer right now
My eyes don't lie
And I'm starting to fight you, germ
If I can stop vibrating like so
This bad joke can end here (I'm fighting)
Oh, you know I'm on this flying saucer
This dance routine is over
And I hope the amoebae don't bite
The revulsion, the pretentiousness
Thank goodness this routine
has reached its conclusion!
Horrified at the bad choreography and forced cheesy disco routine, Wonder Woman slumped into a chair as the giant micro-organism warbled malevolently:
"Puny Earthling! I am Amoeba Man! I have almost accomplished the doom of all of you Amazons! My time has come and now I'll strike! Attention, invasion fleet! Inform Queen Hypotenusa that her daughter is a captive in our starship, which basically means that she and her Amazons won't dare attack us! We'll take Paradise Island! With the Amazons beaten, Earth will fall to we malevolent unicellular organisms! Incidentally, marry me, Wonder Woman!!!"
Wonder Woman raised an eyebrow: "Firstly, how can you be an amoeba 'man' when all amoebae are unicellular organisms and reproduce through fission? You're not differentiated enough to have any biological sex and it's sixty years too soon for the concept of asexuality to gain traction in western society. Secondly, how do I know you won't try to eat my brain or infect my intestine? And please, put something on, I can see all of your organelles, you exhibitionist!!! Are you even heterosexual? You look like you're into phagocytosis!"
Amoeba Ma-er, Person- er, Whatever... indignantly replied: "That's just a cheap double entendre! Phagocytosis is my digestive process, which means I flow around objects I want to eat. Like your tasty cranial contents- yum yum yum!!! Oops."
"You're really getting up my nose!" Wonder Woman angrily responded.
"That's just stereotyping! Now submit, or else I'll order my legions to release our carefully cultivated bubonic plague bacilli!"
"Look, you don't need me to reproduce, so what's the point of marriage? And anyhow, no Earthly jurisdiction would legitimise marriage between an alien unicellular organism and a human female."
Suddenly, despite being an indomitable Amazonian warrior, Wonder Woman got quaintly sexist flutters:
"This is Wonder Woman!!! Anyone who hears me...if you love me...will grant my final wish!!! Stop the invaders!!! For the good of humanity!!!"
Suddenly, there was an horrendous crash, as Wonder Woman's invisible jet collided with the alien flying saucer. Amazons conveniently swarmed aboard and rapidly defeated the alien amoebae with large amounts of metronidazole and tinidazole. As Amoeba Ma- er Person er Whatever pulsated weakly before finally dying, it gasped: "Incidentally...speaking of phagocytosis...gasp...wheeze...have you used your time space visualiser to check up on the boys lately?"
Heart hammering, the Amazon Princess gasped and ran to her monitor. What she saw was extremely anachronistic for the sixties, but who cares. Yes, Stefan Trifle and Ronno MacMerman had given up on heterosexuality altogether after waiting decades to consummate their relationships with the Amazon and were busy passionately kissing each other:
"Bugger it! That's completely inappropriate for 1961. Right. I'm off to have an unconvincing interlude with sundry dinosaurs, have it off with yet another seven foot tall green fanged humanoid alien, and then deny it ever happened with an adult Sugar and Spike fifty years from now."
THE END