Post by redsycorax on Sept 28, 2020 4:00:41 GMT
Return with us now to the Dork Multiverse, worlds which really, really shouldn't exist in any universe, but sadly do. On Earth-1488, Wonder Woman was beset by a race of Yellow Martians, which have no continuity connection to J'Onn J'Onnz whatsoever, and don't seem acquainted with Green or White Martians either. These Martians were ruled by the Doddery Duke, an elderly gaptoothed bald fellow who ran around in a loincloth for no apparent reason. The Doddery Duke was one of a triumvirate of ridiculous leaders on the dying planet, including the Silly Old Count and the Earl of Glands. During World War II, he tried to capture Wonder Woman, but got stymied, resulting in him being patted on the head very fast by the Silly Old Count. He was forced to cross-dress and made a slave in the Martian Womens Quarters. Escaping from that, but finding that the Yellow Martians were still suffering from a jaundiced approach to life, the Doddery Duke found out he'd somehow fathered a daughter, Liara. Unfortunately for him, Liara got a job in Richard Noxin's 1960 Presidential campaign and deserted him. He then tried to convince Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto to invade Earth, only to find that neither gas giant or the remote ninth planet actually had any life on them.
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"By Hera! By Hima! There's an enormous dinosaur on the first floor of Maisies Department Store! I must capture it with my magic lasso and bend it to my indomitable Amazon will!!!" But to her shock, Wonder Woman's lasso swung through empty air.
Colonel Stevey Tribble cleared his throat: "Er, you do realise that dinosaurs became extinct about seventy million years ago, Princess?"
"Oops. That's right-erk!" But one of the dinosaurs wasn't and seized Wonder Woman with its tiny claws, and immediately teleported off to Mars. Yes, Mars-1488. For some reason, it's inhabited by jaundiced Yellow Martians and a trio of ridiculous large misshapen male characters. One of them, the Doddery Duke, gummed:
"Wonder Woman!!! You will participate in an Olympics of Drone for us!!!"
"Why?"
"Because you're in a cage."
"Sorry, haven't you read the fine print? I can only be disempowered by being chained by my bracelets, primarily because my creator was interested in that sort of thing."
"Tough. We have several paragraphs to deal with until this story ends! First, yank that apple off that pedestal and- awp!" Not only had Wonder Woman seized it with her lasso, but she also sliced and diced it and found time to bake an apple pie, which she threw at the Doddery Duke:
"Well?"
"Next, a tug of war with our best athletes."
"Are you sure? They seem to all have the same colouration. I think something could be wrong with their kidneys."
"Damn!" The Doddery Duke growled, as the event was called off and forfeited to Wonder Woman due to the illness of her competitors.
"Why am I being lowered into that giant tank?"
"Because there's a carnivorous Martian octopus lurking in there."
"Wow, who would have thought Mars had seawater and parallel evolution to the extent it also developed cephalopods?"
The Doddery Duke chortled to himself, waited five minutes, then raised the cage to the faint light of Phobos and Deimos. For some reason, Wonder Woman had gone missing. He looked inside the cage and was unceremoniously booted up the backside by Wonder Woman, who locked the cage door behind him. She handed him over to his co-rulers:
"I thought he was a slave in the Womens Quarters still? Particularly because he was wearing a frock when I recaptured him. A miniskirt, to be exact. Now please make sure that he won't turn up on Earth again? This time he tried to deceive me using dinosaurs. And moreover, you'll probably be getting a very cross letter from the International Olympic Committee, threatening to sue you for infringement of intellectual property and title."
The Silly Old Count protested: "Look, that was an unnecessarily short adventure. We deserve more than this."
"Don't press it, bozo. Early next decade, the US space agency NASA will send a space probe out here and discover this is an uninhabited, lifeless wasteland. No dyspeptic Yellow Martians, no unexplained seas, no incongruous saurians or cephalopods lurking around."
"Who died and appointed you scientific advisor? Look, it's August 1964. Scientific accuracy and adult plotlines are years in the future."
"Sorry, you don't exist and I'm not talking to you." Wonder Woman boarded her spaceworthy invisible jet and left the planet to itself. Suddenly, the evil processes of scientific credibility and accuracy caught up with all of them and the Yellow Martians, Silly Old Count, Doddery Duke, Earl of Glands and the incongruous left-over dinosaur and octopus all went POP as they disintegrated into varicoloured flakes. F
Fortunately, the Crisis on Ineptly Written Earths thundered down in 1985 and wiped the whingeing Stevey Tribble, Wonder Woman, Queen Hypothetica, the Unnamed Interchangeable Amazons of Prolixity Island and this downright embarrassing universe with the requisite cliches of antimatter storms and roiling annihilation and it was then totally forgetten. Except by desperate fanfiction authors trying to demonstrate just how crap some of the Silver Age stories really, really were.
THE END
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"By Hera! By Hima! There's an enormous dinosaur on the first floor of Maisies Department Store! I must capture it with my magic lasso and bend it to my indomitable Amazon will!!!" But to her shock, Wonder Woman's lasso swung through empty air.
Colonel Stevey Tribble cleared his throat: "Er, you do realise that dinosaurs became extinct about seventy million years ago, Princess?"
"Oops. That's right-erk!" But one of the dinosaurs wasn't and seized Wonder Woman with its tiny claws, and immediately teleported off to Mars. Yes, Mars-1488. For some reason, it's inhabited by jaundiced Yellow Martians and a trio of ridiculous large misshapen male characters. One of them, the Doddery Duke, gummed:
"Wonder Woman!!! You will participate in an Olympics of Drone for us!!!"
"Why?"
"Because you're in a cage."
"Sorry, haven't you read the fine print? I can only be disempowered by being chained by my bracelets, primarily because my creator was interested in that sort of thing."
"Tough. We have several paragraphs to deal with until this story ends! First, yank that apple off that pedestal and- awp!" Not only had Wonder Woman seized it with her lasso, but she also sliced and diced it and found time to bake an apple pie, which she threw at the Doddery Duke:
"Well?"
"Next, a tug of war with our best athletes."
"Are you sure? They seem to all have the same colouration. I think something could be wrong with their kidneys."
"Damn!" The Doddery Duke growled, as the event was called off and forfeited to Wonder Woman due to the illness of her competitors.
"Why am I being lowered into that giant tank?"
"Because there's a carnivorous Martian octopus lurking in there."
"Wow, who would have thought Mars had seawater and parallel evolution to the extent it also developed cephalopods?"
The Doddery Duke chortled to himself, waited five minutes, then raised the cage to the faint light of Phobos and Deimos. For some reason, Wonder Woman had gone missing. He looked inside the cage and was unceremoniously booted up the backside by Wonder Woman, who locked the cage door behind him. She handed him over to his co-rulers:
"I thought he was a slave in the Womens Quarters still? Particularly because he was wearing a frock when I recaptured him. A miniskirt, to be exact. Now please make sure that he won't turn up on Earth again? This time he tried to deceive me using dinosaurs. And moreover, you'll probably be getting a very cross letter from the International Olympic Committee, threatening to sue you for infringement of intellectual property and title."
The Silly Old Count protested: "Look, that was an unnecessarily short adventure. We deserve more than this."
"Don't press it, bozo. Early next decade, the US space agency NASA will send a space probe out here and discover this is an uninhabited, lifeless wasteland. No dyspeptic Yellow Martians, no unexplained seas, no incongruous saurians or cephalopods lurking around."
"Who died and appointed you scientific advisor? Look, it's August 1964. Scientific accuracy and adult plotlines are years in the future."
"Sorry, you don't exist and I'm not talking to you." Wonder Woman boarded her spaceworthy invisible jet and left the planet to itself. Suddenly, the evil processes of scientific credibility and accuracy caught up with all of them and the Yellow Martians, Silly Old Count, Doddery Duke, Earl of Glands and the incongruous left-over dinosaur and octopus all went POP as they disintegrated into varicoloured flakes. F
Fortunately, the Crisis on Ineptly Written Earths thundered down in 1985 and wiped the whingeing Stevey Tribble, Wonder Woman, Queen Hypothetica, the Unnamed Interchangeable Amazons of Prolixity Island and this downright embarrassing universe with the requisite cliches of antimatter storms and roiling annihilation and it was then totally forgetten. Except by desperate fanfiction authors trying to demonstrate just how crap some of the Silver Age stories really, really were.
THE END