Post by redsycorax on Sept 29, 2020 4:47:02 GMT
Yes, it's time for one of those visits to alternate Earths that really shouldn't have existed but unfortunately did, deliberately shearing off from mainstream continuity just to embarrass everyone within it. Come with us now to the remote past of Earth-1245, where a certain Amazon Princess is about to wed a seven foot tall green hairy humanoid. This really annoys Peeve Trooper and the other birdman, merman and amorphous glop who are also pining for her hand in matrimony. Read on...
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Wonder Woman was extremely annoyed at the persistence of her trio of suitors, Colonel Peeve Trooper, the nameless Birdman and Ronno MacMerman. Apart from Peeve, she'd known all of them since she was Wonder Girl, which was incredibly complicated because her earlier selves were still around. Fortunately, her mother was able to provide a sympathetic ear:
"You could decide you're a lesbian, Diana."
"It's 1965, mother, far too early for that sort of plot development. The Stonewall riot won't be for another four years."
"Polyandry?"
"That's illegal in America."
"Oh, what spoilsports. I know, tell them you've got it hot for Superman."
"That would make me a xenosexual and I'm not sure I'm interested in breaking that final frontier, so to speak. Anyway, Mavis Moan will scratch out the eyes of anyone else who wants to jump the bones of the Studmuffin of Steel."
"Ah, but marrying either Birdman or Merman is? Surely that's illegal under American law as well?"
"It is, but we're on Paradise Island. Incidentally, what's this "Wonder Queen" title you've suddenly acquired?"
"Moving right along..."
"Mother, you're not trying to cash in on my heroic reputation, are you? And another thing, what are my earlier selves still doing here?"
"There's been a slight wrinkle in the space-time continuum which makes it possible. Diana, I cannot provide you with an easy resolution to your multiple suitors. Perhaps one day the Great Yellow Bow-Tied Kanighergod From All Whom Blessings and Existence flow will deign to erase some of them from existence."
"Yeah, although he was responsible for all of this in the first place."
Suddenly, Wonder Woman was caught beneath a massive building collapse. She couldn't get the girders off herself, despite having the strength of Hercules due to mandatory antiquated sex roles of female passivity and waited for half an hour until a convenient male showed up. In this case, the man was seven foot tall, with green fur, yellow fangs and unkempt hair. He effortlessly tossed the debris aside and Wonder Woman was smitten: "Hola! That's it! You have shown yourself to have compassion, mercy and endeared yourself to me by not bickering with all those other would-be suitors of mine! I shall marry you instead!"
"But I'm tall, green, hirsute, with bad hair and yellow teeth."
"Given that two of my other suitors have bird and fish segments within their bodies, that's not too much of a disqualification."
And so, the entire Amazon retinue of Paradise Island, Ronno MacMerman, Birdman, Peeve Trooper, Queen Hypothetica and both of Wonder Woman's earlier selves attended an impromptu nuptials.
Wonder Girl protested: "How could you not fall for an utter stone fox like Peeve Trooper! Look at those rock hard buns, his pecs, his abs! Incidentally, why can't we have a teenage Peeve here to romance me? It's not fair that older Diana has all the luck."
"Tough. I'm marrying Mister Monster and that's that."
Queen Hypothetica cleared her throat:
"I can see no clear reason why my daughter cannot wed this large green humanoid. Anyone who doesn't want this can speak now or forever hold their peace."
Abruptly, Mister Monster transformed into a statuesque blond guy, much to the amazement of the Amazons:
"Oops! Sorry, I should have mentioned I'm under the spell of a sorceror which makes me turn into a blond hottie once I do a good deed."
"Yum yum," said Wonder Woman,"now that's more like it! Although I'm not as body-prescriptive as my shallow teenage self, so I do accept Mister Monster's green version as a potential suitor as well."
"Er, one slight difficulty, Diana. Only my green self is straight and you removed the curse by being rescued." And with that, Mister Ex-Monster headed off for a threesome with Birdman and Ronno MadMerman.
"Damn damn damn!!! Am I ever going to get an uncomplicated love life of my own?" Wonder Woman fumed
"I am still here, you know." Peeve Trooper said, peeved.
"Except that you're an utter nag insofar as household chores go. I'm a superheroine. Why can't you do the washing up?"
"Because I'm a big butch war hero. It's beneath my dignity."
"You do realise I'm a Princess, don't you, buster? Right, I've had this! You can walk back to the United States!" And so, Wonder Woman's long-term relationship with Colonel Peeve Trooper broke up, primarily because the Colonel was a hopeless sexist oaf with a massive sense of entitlement and she was the scion of a matriarchal realm that had existed for millennia. Fortunately, when social standards liberalised, Diana had a lot of fun exploring erotic alternatives outlined above that didn't involve uptight anally retentive military stuffed shirts.
THE END
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Wonder Woman was extremely annoyed at the persistence of her trio of suitors, Colonel Peeve Trooper, the nameless Birdman and Ronno MacMerman. Apart from Peeve, she'd known all of them since she was Wonder Girl, which was incredibly complicated because her earlier selves were still around. Fortunately, her mother was able to provide a sympathetic ear:
"You could decide you're a lesbian, Diana."
"It's 1965, mother, far too early for that sort of plot development. The Stonewall riot won't be for another four years."
"Polyandry?"
"That's illegal in America."
"Oh, what spoilsports. I know, tell them you've got it hot for Superman."
"That would make me a xenosexual and I'm not sure I'm interested in breaking that final frontier, so to speak. Anyway, Mavis Moan will scratch out the eyes of anyone else who wants to jump the bones of the Studmuffin of Steel."
"Ah, but marrying either Birdman or Merman is? Surely that's illegal under American law as well?"
"It is, but we're on Paradise Island. Incidentally, what's this "Wonder Queen" title you've suddenly acquired?"
"Moving right along..."
"Mother, you're not trying to cash in on my heroic reputation, are you? And another thing, what are my earlier selves still doing here?"
"There's been a slight wrinkle in the space-time continuum which makes it possible. Diana, I cannot provide you with an easy resolution to your multiple suitors. Perhaps one day the Great Yellow Bow-Tied Kanighergod From All Whom Blessings and Existence flow will deign to erase some of them from existence."
"Yeah, although he was responsible for all of this in the first place."
Suddenly, Wonder Woman was caught beneath a massive building collapse. She couldn't get the girders off herself, despite having the strength of Hercules due to mandatory antiquated sex roles of female passivity and waited for half an hour until a convenient male showed up. In this case, the man was seven foot tall, with green fur, yellow fangs and unkempt hair. He effortlessly tossed the debris aside and Wonder Woman was smitten: "Hola! That's it! You have shown yourself to have compassion, mercy and endeared yourself to me by not bickering with all those other would-be suitors of mine! I shall marry you instead!"
"But I'm tall, green, hirsute, with bad hair and yellow teeth."
"Given that two of my other suitors have bird and fish segments within their bodies, that's not too much of a disqualification."
And so, the entire Amazon retinue of Paradise Island, Ronno MacMerman, Birdman, Peeve Trooper, Queen Hypothetica and both of Wonder Woman's earlier selves attended an impromptu nuptials.
Wonder Girl protested: "How could you not fall for an utter stone fox like Peeve Trooper! Look at those rock hard buns, his pecs, his abs! Incidentally, why can't we have a teenage Peeve here to romance me? It's not fair that older Diana has all the luck."
"Tough. I'm marrying Mister Monster and that's that."
Queen Hypothetica cleared her throat:
"I can see no clear reason why my daughter cannot wed this large green humanoid. Anyone who doesn't want this can speak now or forever hold their peace."
Abruptly, Mister Monster transformed into a statuesque blond guy, much to the amazement of the Amazons:
"Oops! Sorry, I should have mentioned I'm under the spell of a sorceror which makes me turn into a blond hottie once I do a good deed."
"Yum yum," said Wonder Woman,"now that's more like it! Although I'm not as body-prescriptive as my shallow teenage self, so I do accept Mister Monster's green version as a potential suitor as well."
"Er, one slight difficulty, Diana. Only my green self is straight and you removed the curse by being rescued." And with that, Mister Ex-Monster headed off for a threesome with Birdman and Ronno MadMerman.
"Damn damn damn!!! Am I ever going to get an uncomplicated love life of my own?" Wonder Woman fumed
"I am still here, you know." Peeve Trooper said, peeved.
"Except that you're an utter nag insofar as household chores go. I'm a superheroine. Why can't you do the washing up?"
"Because I'm a big butch war hero. It's beneath my dignity."
"You do realise I'm a Princess, don't you, buster? Right, I've had this! You can walk back to the United States!" And so, Wonder Woman's long-term relationship with Colonel Peeve Trooper broke up, primarily because the Colonel was a hopeless sexist oaf with a massive sense of entitlement and she was the scion of a matriarchal realm that had existed for millennia. Fortunately, when social standards liberalised, Diana had a lot of fun exploring erotic alternatives outlined above that didn't involve uptight anally retentive military stuffed shirts.
THE END