Post by redsycorax on Oct 6, 2020 4:32:24 GMT
Moving right along to yet another wildly improbable Batman analogue/parallel/mercenary cheap rip off, Sadman and Sobbin inhabit an alternate world called Earth-Blue. Instead of being designated by letters of the alphabet or numbers like respectable parallel Earths are, there are seven of these alternate Earths based on a spectrum of colours instead. On Earth-Red, everything is automatically collectivist. On Earth-Orange, citruses are the dominant form of life and a bloody irritating one at that. On Earth-Yellow, everything is nauseatingly sunny and happy happy joy joy. On Earth-Green, everything is environmentally sensitive and on Earth-Purple, everyone follows a mindbendingly boring cult based on idolisation of a heavily romanticised version of the fifties. Instead of which, Earth-Blue is a fairly depressing world. Think Ingmar Bergman films, Scandi-noir, the goddess Lachrymosa and wall to wall Kierkegaard and you've got the general idea of the ambient tone. Come with us now to Desparia City, where Sadman is trying to talk one of his counterparts into continuing her life.
++
"Weeping Gorilla, you need to get out of this state of mind."
"Why? Everything's pointless, I'm not married, I'm addicted to coffee, the world will end in five billion years, the dinosaurs are extinct and small bunnies die of myxomatosis."
"Yes, and you forgot the collapsing economy, climate change, drugs, crack and Kanye West's presidency. However, you're also a multimillionaire from your comic series. Your portrait hangs in the Louvre and you're a superstar in Scandinavia, where they've named an entire suburb of Copenhagen after you."
"I'm free to be morbid and melancholy if I want to be. And what about you? Surely you must be depressed about the stock market, the trade imbalance with China, the declining popularity of superhero comics and everything else wrong with this world."
"Ah, now there's a logical contradiction. We can't contemplate an infinite number of depressing topics or objects, because our minds aren't that large." Sadman pointed out.
"What about Melvin the Melancholy Mech?" Sobbin inquired.
"Well, Melvin's mind is the size of a planet, don't forget. He can envision a really, really big number of depressing material in that brain of his, but inifinity is even larger than that."
"Oh, coitus. I no longer feel as depressed anymore. What am I going to do? I know, I'll start up that inappropriate relationship again with Gorilla Odd in Apeotropolis. Then I'll try to talk him out of his evil schemes of world domination, only to find out he has a crush on Wonder Ape. We'll break up and..." As Weeping Gorilla wandered off to the local teleport, Sadman and Sobbin walked back to the Sadmobile:
"Why did we have that long, meaningless conversation with Weeping Gorilla if all she's going to do is get into another situation where she gets depressed and lachrymose all over again?"
"Because this is that sort of world, old cherm. Where to now?"
"Desparia City docks. The Weeper is trying to import antidepressants from offworld again."
Yes, the Weeper!!! All right yes, I know he's supposed to be from Earth-S, but this is an alternate version of the same character, so tough. Mortimer Gloom got sacked from the circus where he worked as the "Crying Clown" and then lied repeatedly to families with men and women serving overseas, telling them they'd been horribly injured, attacked by giant Japanese monster insects or reptiles, or were captives behind enemy lines. The Weeper used these lies to case their homes and later rob them, making them really miserable. Because Earth-Blue is naturally like that anyway, the Weeper was let off with peppercorn sentences, leaving his former victims depressed about the inadequacies of their world's justice system. Driving around in hearses and throwing tear gas around were also part of his stock and trade, along with a criminal entourage called the Bittermen. There was a confusing and rather improbable episode in an asylum where Sadman and Sobbin stood in for Mary Marvel and Bulletgirl because the author is so lazy he can't be bothered with trying to write an original scenario and decided to rip off the story arc on Earth-S instead. After much gagging and tieing up which wouldn't be out of place in a Morton Prince era episode of Wonder Woman, the Dolorous Duo decked the dastardly doleful dispenser of darkness and took him off to jail.
Because it was long overdue for a new service check and Sadman and Sobbin had neglected essential maintenance, the Sadmobile got caught in a traffic jam and took over an hour to get to Port Scylla, the Desparia City docklands. Hordes of morose dockworkers and numerous underworld figures then got in the way as they struggled toward the USS Mavis Celeste, in which the contraband from Earth-Yellow was awaiting the Weeper's hands. Fortunately for Sadman and Sobbin, but unfortunately for the Weeper, there had been endless malfunctions with the crane that was unloading its narcotics content due to equally poor maintenance and the inexperienced dockworker doing the task: "Hah! You villainous fiend! Serves you right for using casualised labour on zero-hour contracts."
"All right, Sadman and Sobbin, you've got me. I surrender. I don't want to get into a convoluted fight scene, because all that would do would be to boost adrenalin. Sigh. This is my third defeat in a row."
"That's not fair. You've grossly foreshortened the duration of this adventure and we'll be forced to listen to Weeping Gorilla complain about her personal circumstances and relationships again if we run into her." Sobbin angrily replied
"Too bad. I'm not giving you two the satisfaction of engaging in violent confrontation, so there."
"You do realise that we'll confiscate this evil antidepressant addictive narcotic threat to our whole way of life and destroy it, as well as the potential profit involved?"
"What would be the point of fisticuffs, given that you'd beat me up, I'd be defeated and you'll do it anyway?"
"Look! Down there, on the ground! Is it a worm? Is it a snail, no it's...Captain Lachrymose!"
"Oh, that figures. As if my day wasn't lousy enough already..." The Weeper muttered to himself.
"With the power of my emotional downturn ability, I will negate this menace." Captain Lachrymose radiated regret and self-loathing at the hapless Weeper:
"Actually, we'd done that already, and he has surrendered, but go ahead, Captain L."
"Could you destroy the criminal antidepressant contraband for us as well, Clay?"
Captain Lachrymose sighed and then promptly sunk the boat, turning its cargo into surplus water to negate any residual effects from chemical toxicity. Sadman and Sobbin weren't aware beforehand that this was one of the Captain's superpowers and felt even worse, until he flew off:
"Carpetbagger." Sobbin said in an undertone.
"All right, let's get back to the Sadcave."
"Er, you do realise the traffic's backed up all the way to Kierkegaard City?"
"So life's complicated. Cry me a river."
"Is there anything on television tonight?"
"Only interchangeable boring reality series."
"When's the next Lachrymose Justice Associates meeting?"
"Not until Monday next month."
"I hate Mondays."
And on that note, we thankfully bid farewell to this thoroughly pointless, self-pitying, angst-ridden piece of fanfiction and good riddance, too.
THE END
++
"Weeping Gorilla, you need to get out of this state of mind."
"Why? Everything's pointless, I'm not married, I'm addicted to coffee, the world will end in five billion years, the dinosaurs are extinct and small bunnies die of myxomatosis."
"Yes, and you forgot the collapsing economy, climate change, drugs, crack and Kanye West's presidency. However, you're also a multimillionaire from your comic series. Your portrait hangs in the Louvre and you're a superstar in Scandinavia, where they've named an entire suburb of Copenhagen after you."
"I'm free to be morbid and melancholy if I want to be. And what about you? Surely you must be depressed about the stock market, the trade imbalance with China, the declining popularity of superhero comics and everything else wrong with this world."
"Ah, now there's a logical contradiction. We can't contemplate an infinite number of depressing topics or objects, because our minds aren't that large." Sadman pointed out.
"What about Melvin the Melancholy Mech?" Sobbin inquired.
"Well, Melvin's mind is the size of a planet, don't forget. He can envision a really, really big number of depressing material in that brain of his, but inifinity is even larger than that."
"Oh, coitus. I no longer feel as depressed anymore. What am I going to do? I know, I'll start up that inappropriate relationship again with Gorilla Odd in Apeotropolis. Then I'll try to talk him out of his evil schemes of world domination, only to find out he has a crush on Wonder Ape. We'll break up and..." As Weeping Gorilla wandered off to the local teleport, Sadman and Sobbin walked back to the Sadmobile:
"Why did we have that long, meaningless conversation with Weeping Gorilla if all she's going to do is get into another situation where she gets depressed and lachrymose all over again?"
"Because this is that sort of world, old cherm. Where to now?"
"Desparia City docks. The Weeper is trying to import antidepressants from offworld again."
Yes, the Weeper!!! All right yes, I know he's supposed to be from Earth-S, but this is an alternate version of the same character, so tough. Mortimer Gloom got sacked from the circus where he worked as the "Crying Clown" and then lied repeatedly to families with men and women serving overseas, telling them they'd been horribly injured, attacked by giant Japanese monster insects or reptiles, or were captives behind enemy lines. The Weeper used these lies to case their homes and later rob them, making them really miserable. Because Earth-Blue is naturally like that anyway, the Weeper was let off with peppercorn sentences, leaving his former victims depressed about the inadequacies of their world's justice system. Driving around in hearses and throwing tear gas around were also part of his stock and trade, along with a criminal entourage called the Bittermen. There was a confusing and rather improbable episode in an asylum where Sadman and Sobbin stood in for Mary Marvel and Bulletgirl because the author is so lazy he can't be bothered with trying to write an original scenario and decided to rip off the story arc on Earth-S instead. After much gagging and tieing up which wouldn't be out of place in a Morton Prince era episode of Wonder Woman, the Dolorous Duo decked the dastardly doleful dispenser of darkness and took him off to jail.
Because it was long overdue for a new service check and Sadman and Sobbin had neglected essential maintenance, the Sadmobile got caught in a traffic jam and took over an hour to get to Port Scylla, the Desparia City docklands. Hordes of morose dockworkers and numerous underworld figures then got in the way as they struggled toward the USS Mavis Celeste, in which the contraband from Earth-Yellow was awaiting the Weeper's hands. Fortunately for Sadman and Sobbin, but unfortunately for the Weeper, there had been endless malfunctions with the crane that was unloading its narcotics content due to equally poor maintenance and the inexperienced dockworker doing the task: "Hah! You villainous fiend! Serves you right for using casualised labour on zero-hour contracts."
"All right, Sadman and Sobbin, you've got me. I surrender. I don't want to get into a convoluted fight scene, because all that would do would be to boost adrenalin. Sigh. This is my third defeat in a row."
"That's not fair. You've grossly foreshortened the duration of this adventure and we'll be forced to listen to Weeping Gorilla complain about her personal circumstances and relationships again if we run into her." Sobbin angrily replied
"Too bad. I'm not giving you two the satisfaction of engaging in violent confrontation, so there."
"You do realise that we'll confiscate this evil antidepressant addictive narcotic threat to our whole way of life and destroy it, as well as the potential profit involved?"
"What would be the point of fisticuffs, given that you'd beat me up, I'd be defeated and you'll do it anyway?"
"Look! Down there, on the ground! Is it a worm? Is it a snail, no it's...Captain Lachrymose!"
"Oh, that figures. As if my day wasn't lousy enough already..." The Weeper muttered to himself.
"With the power of my emotional downturn ability, I will negate this menace." Captain Lachrymose radiated regret and self-loathing at the hapless Weeper:
"Actually, we'd done that already, and he has surrendered, but go ahead, Captain L."
"Could you destroy the criminal antidepressant contraband for us as well, Clay?"
Captain Lachrymose sighed and then promptly sunk the boat, turning its cargo into surplus water to negate any residual effects from chemical toxicity. Sadman and Sobbin weren't aware beforehand that this was one of the Captain's superpowers and felt even worse, until he flew off:
"Carpetbagger." Sobbin said in an undertone.
"All right, let's get back to the Sadcave."
"Er, you do realise the traffic's backed up all the way to Kierkegaard City?"
"So life's complicated. Cry me a river."
"Is there anything on television tonight?"
"Only interchangeable boring reality series."
"When's the next Lachrymose Justice Associates meeting?"
"Not until Monday next month."
"I hate Mondays."
And on that note, we thankfully bid farewell to this thoroughly pointless, self-pitying, angst-ridden piece of fanfiction and good riddance, too.
THE END