Post by redsycorax on Oct 21, 2020 3:09:03 GMT
The Freedom Brigade have a regular nemesis in the form of Badman, the bent villainous and bankrupt former Capeman, a cheap rip off of Batman, known as Brian Payne in his civilian identity. There used to also be Robber the Boy Plunder, who got increasingly itchy about the behaviour of the Darknight Deviant and eventually reformed, donning a very fetching skintight outfit as Lightpower. Return with us now to Earth-12/55's past, at a time when Badman and Robber were still a significant threat to the Brigade...
++
Not for the first time, in the Badmobile, Badman and Robber were arguing:
"Why do you have to behave in such a shrill, loud manner anyhow, Badman?"
"What, are you dense? Are you retreaded or something? I don't have to give justifications for my behaviour! I'm the gard-dammed Badman!"
"This is worse than the time we ran out of food and had to dine on rats."
"Nag nag nag, that's all you ever do these days, Dirk!"
"Incidentally, has the Badmobile been serviced recently?"
"Not one more word, Robber. I've taken enough grief and snide remarks about naming this car the Badmobile. I'm the gard-dammed Badman and I can name my car whatever I want, break whatever speed limits I want, mow down whatever pedestrians I want. And where have you hidden my Badguns?"
"You do realise you're behaving so badly out of continuity it's almost grotesque?" Robber persisted.
"Nerts. You remind me of that exchange I had with Mr Might yesterday about why I dress up like a giant flying rat."
"Apparently to insure law enforcement officials die of hysterical laughter, given how much weight you've gained?"
"Clint said that it was my methods that he finds repugnant. Captain Swift said I should stop eating bonbons, the beotch. And then made a remark about the crime rate in Slotham. I'm doing my best to increase it!"
"If this keeps up, I'll leave. These trunks are chafing severely anyway."
"I know people think I'm crazy and antisocial, Dirk. I can't help that, it's just the way that Funk Mallet's writing me at the moment."
"He's cheating, incidentally. Apparently we're gay and Lady Liberty is a manhater."
"Well, given the condition of her marriage to Jabez/The Patriot, no wonder. He's enough to turn any woman off heterosexuality for life."
"Incidentally, we're about to crash into some fairly major rock. Brian? Brian? You're not drunk again?"
"Nope. You don't know anything, Dirk."
"No, seriously, that's not the secret entrance to the Badcave, Brian. Look out!!!"
"Just watch, kiddo. This is going to grate! Hahh!!!"
"Right, I've had enough of this, Brian. Hand over that Badjuice. Now!"
PAYNE MANOR:
"Billy? Look, it's Dirk Grierson. Yeah, aka Robber the Boy Plunder. I can't take this any more. Brian's gone out on his own, spanking police officers and forcing them to do that little dance he likes. I know Lady Liberty wants to strangle him, but if she does that, I'll end up with the blame. Unless I don a sexy skintight outfit that more reflects my age and turns on susceptible guys. Who designed yours?"
"I know, Dirk. Look, we can do an extraction, although that teleport of ours is misbehaving again." Fortunately, Badman was busy receiving bribe money from his contact at the GCDP, Commissioner Lays and in the process, was busy consorting with Jox Strap Paramecium, one of Slotham's worst gangsters. No, not worst in the criminal sense, worst in terms of criminal aptitude and competence.
Dirk hurriedly packed a suitcase and snuck out the back passage of Payne Manor. Instants later, he was deposited in the FBUS satellite, safe from the strange behaviour of the other half of the former Duo of Darkness
SLOTHAM:
Hah! Smells! Popcorn. Strawberry ice cream. Anything to keep my mind off the impending breakup between me and Robber. Thoughts of a nubile policeman doing that little dance I like so much on my lap. The money from last week's extortion racket divided between me and Commissioner Lays. Speedo swimwear. A long, annoying and disjointing stream of consciousness thought stream with no real narrative purpose or motivation.... Badman thought to himself as the Badrope carried him high over Slotham's sprawling buildings far below.
PAYNE MANOR:
"I fired his sorry butt for sanity, competence and being younger than I am." Badman self-justified and creatively reinterpreted his former protege's abrupt exit.
"Yes, all very well, Master Brian. Would you like some Perignon with that sorry episode of fantasy revisionism?" Albumin, Payne's faithful undead butler asked.
"I'll rip his leotards off, feed them to the dog!"
"That isn't a particularly logical segue, Master Brian. And anyhow, you ran out of fabric and couldn't afford leotards for former Master Dirk- who is now out of range, anyway."
"He underwent radical gene therapy and will remain an eighteen year old forever!"
"Well yes, that part's right at least. But that happened ages ago, and you've definitely seen better days..."
"Oh Robber! What have I done to you!"
Albumin rolled his eyes:
"Right, that's more than enough angst, Master Brian. Without Robber the Boy Plunder, you can become dark and more adult in tone."
"Sure I can, Albumin. Because I'm the gard-dammed Badman!!!"
FBUS Satellite:
"Nice outfit." Captain Swift observed as Dirk Grierson did a twirl for him.
"Thank God I'm out of there, Billy. Like the ensemble?"
"Yes, but I'm a married man. Okay, we need some way to rationalise this to the rest of the Freedom Brigade and avoid a continuity breach, so would you get changed back into your Robber outfit while I teleport you away and then back again, so it can be reconciled with past Freedom Brigade stories?"
"Must I? You have no idea how much these shorts chafe!"
"Why didn't Badman replace them?"
Dirk shrugged: "I hate to think. I outgrew this costume long ago, but he always cried poverty when it came to replacing it." He changed back to his Robber the Boy Plunder outfit, padded toward the teleport and killed time in it within an FBUS safe house.
PAYNE MANOR:
"Where's Green Trashcan? I want to have a surrealist interlude with him where he chokes on air freshener before he can use his smell o ring on me."
"This is the past, Master Brian, remember? S. Mal Jordain hasn't been introduced as a character in this series yet. Will you snap out of this badly out of continuity characterisation and stop wearing that terribly colour unco-ordinated outfit?" Albumin reflected that this was worse that those tacky episodes with the technicolour rainbow and the zebra-striped Badsuits. Badman was now wearing a purple cape, red top. yellow sleeves, red leotards and purple boots. It looked as if Deuce the Badcat had thrown up on a conventional outfit.
"I'm the gard-dammed Badman of Zap-And-Zwype, Albumin!"
"Master Brian, I am your aide, your medic and confidant, not your asylum keeper. Behave yourself!"
Actually, no, he didn't. Badman went on the prowl again and collided with Big Jim Google, who for some reason was dressed in a motorcycle jacket, black leather leotard which showed off his hairy chest and fishnet stockings, as well as a mask. He beat up Slotham police officers who made fun of his outfit, and then hopped on his daughter Barbarella's motorcycle, heading off to the docks, where he beat up another crowd of policemen who mocked his dodgy fashion sense. Badman was smitten, threw a molotov cocktail at the derisive law enforcement officers, which missed, and he and Big Jim had al fresco sex. They kept their masks on because it was allegedly kinkier that way, even if Big Jim's identity was ridiculously obvious. It just looked tackier, particularly as Badman was still infliicting his gard-dammed awful Zap-and-Zwype outfit on the people of Slotham.
Afterwards, Badman sulked for the next several months, leading to the advent of yet another Bat Mythos rip off, Badgirl, alias Slotham gangland princess Barbarella Google, while the reformed Robber the Boy Plunder materialised in the FBUS satellite as continuity proceeded and carved out a new life for himself as first Lightswitch and then the slightly renamed Lightpower:
The FBUS teleporter activated and a strangely familiar form materialised:
"Wow! He has got one cute chiselled ass!" objectified Princess Power.
"FBUS biometrics identify this as Dirk Grierson, former teenage ward of bankrupt Slotham City zillionaire Brian Payne."
"Shut up, Black Vulcan! That's supposed to be my secret identity."
"Hey, look, we've just been through a major multiversal upheaval and I'm busy fixing the Troubalert. Cut me some slack, bro."
"Wait a minute- it's the FBUS' old younger foe from the Duo of Darkness- Robber the Teen Plunder."
"Not any more. I got tired of the homoerotic lechery from Badman and fortunately, I won a case for sexual harassment from him. I'm straight now."
"Hetero fink!" muttered Captain Swift.
"No, I'm still gay. It's just that Badman is starting to get tubby and speaks erratically."
Mermaid gasped: "So, what you're saying is that Badman h-h-has... Shatnerosis?"
"Yes. He can hardly squeeze down the Badpole into our secret headquarters and on one recent outing, the Badrope broke. He can't fit into the Badmobile anymore and Albumin, our loyal zombie retainer, has him on a diet. He's acting strangely."
"Yes, but he's always been a little camp. How is that any different from usual?" Mr Might queried.
"Quiet, Barb-El. This is serious. If Badman is starting to falter, then who will end up ruling the Slotham City underworld in this stead?"
Dirk then met Hamish MacHunk at Warlock Manor in Peculiar Place and fell in love with him, getting married and so on. Meanwhile, Badman overate, got stuck in the Badcave, died and was then conveniently resurrected as a much younger and slimmer character, teaming up with Badgirl and boring Slotham City senseless as time went on. Yes, I know the title promised a confrontation between Badman and the Freedom Brigade, but really, this is retconning to explain how Robber defected from Badman's side and why. A Frank Miller parody seemed the best way to do that.
THE END
++
Not for the first time, in the Badmobile, Badman and Robber were arguing:
"Why do you have to behave in such a shrill, loud manner anyhow, Badman?"
"What, are you dense? Are you retreaded or something? I don't have to give justifications for my behaviour! I'm the gard-dammed Badman!"
"This is worse than the time we ran out of food and had to dine on rats."
"Nag nag nag, that's all you ever do these days, Dirk!"
"Incidentally, has the Badmobile been serviced recently?"
"Not one more word, Robber. I've taken enough grief and snide remarks about naming this car the Badmobile. I'm the gard-dammed Badman and I can name my car whatever I want, break whatever speed limits I want, mow down whatever pedestrians I want. And where have you hidden my Badguns?"
"You do realise you're behaving so badly out of continuity it's almost grotesque?" Robber persisted.
"Nerts. You remind me of that exchange I had with Mr Might yesterday about why I dress up like a giant flying rat."
"Apparently to insure law enforcement officials die of hysterical laughter, given how much weight you've gained?"
"Clint said that it was my methods that he finds repugnant. Captain Swift said I should stop eating bonbons, the beotch. And then made a remark about the crime rate in Slotham. I'm doing my best to increase it!"
"If this keeps up, I'll leave. These trunks are chafing severely anyway."
"I know people think I'm crazy and antisocial, Dirk. I can't help that, it's just the way that Funk Mallet's writing me at the moment."
"He's cheating, incidentally. Apparently we're gay and Lady Liberty is a manhater."
"Well, given the condition of her marriage to Jabez/The Patriot, no wonder. He's enough to turn any woman off heterosexuality for life."
"Incidentally, we're about to crash into some fairly major rock. Brian? Brian? You're not drunk again?"
"Nope. You don't know anything, Dirk."
"No, seriously, that's not the secret entrance to the Badcave, Brian. Look out!!!"
"Just watch, kiddo. This is going to grate! Hahh!!!"
"Right, I've had enough of this, Brian. Hand over that Badjuice. Now!"
PAYNE MANOR:
"Billy? Look, it's Dirk Grierson. Yeah, aka Robber the Boy Plunder. I can't take this any more. Brian's gone out on his own, spanking police officers and forcing them to do that little dance he likes. I know Lady Liberty wants to strangle him, but if she does that, I'll end up with the blame. Unless I don a sexy skintight outfit that more reflects my age and turns on susceptible guys. Who designed yours?"
"I know, Dirk. Look, we can do an extraction, although that teleport of ours is misbehaving again." Fortunately, Badman was busy receiving bribe money from his contact at the GCDP, Commissioner Lays and in the process, was busy consorting with Jox Strap Paramecium, one of Slotham's worst gangsters. No, not worst in the criminal sense, worst in terms of criminal aptitude and competence.
Dirk hurriedly packed a suitcase and snuck out the back passage of Payne Manor. Instants later, he was deposited in the FBUS satellite, safe from the strange behaviour of the other half of the former Duo of Darkness
SLOTHAM:
Hah! Smells! Popcorn. Strawberry ice cream. Anything to keep my mind off the impending breakup between me and Robber. Thoughts of a nubile policeman doing that little dance I like so much on my lap. The money from last week's extortion racket divided between me and Commissioner Lays. Speedo swimwear. A long, annoying and disjointing stream of consciousness thought stream with no real narrative purpose or motivation.... Badman thought to himself as the Badrope carried him high over Slotham's sprawling buildings far below.
PAYNE MANOR:
"I fired his sorry butt for sanity, competence and being younger than I am." Badman self-justified and creatively reinterpreted his former protege's abrupt exit.
"Yes, all very well, Master Brian. Would you like some Perignon with that sorry episode of fantasy revisionism?" Albumin, Payne's faithful undead butler asked.
"I'll rip his leotards off, feed them to the dog!"
"That isn't a particularly logical segue, Master Brian. And anyhow, you ran out of fabric and couldn't afford leotards for former Master Dirk- who is now out of range, anyway."
"He underwent radical gene therapy and will remain an eighteen year old forever!"
"Well yes, that part's right at least. But that happened ages ago, and you've definitely seen better days..."
"Oh Robber! What have I done to you!"
Albumin rolled his eyes:
"Right, that's more than enough angst, Master Brian. Without Robber the Boy Plunder, you can become dark and more adult in tone."
"Sure I can, Albumin. Because I'm the gard-dammed Badman!!!"
FBUS Satellite:
"Nice outfit." Captain Swift observed as Dirk Grierson did a twirl for him.
"Thank God I'm out of there, Billy. Like the ensemble?"
"Yes, but I'm a married man. Okay, we need some way to rationalise this to the rest of the Freedom Brigade and avoid a continuity breach, so would you get changed back into your Robber outfit while I teleport you away and then back again, so it can be reconciled with past Freedom Brigade stories?"
"Must I? You have no idea how much these shorts chafe!"
"Why didn't Badman replace them?"
Dirk shrugged: "I hate to think. I outgrew this costume long ago, but he always cried poverty when it came to replacing it." He changed back to his Robber the Boy Plunder outfit, padded toward the teleport and killed time in it within an FBUS safe house.
PAYNE MANOR:
"Where's Green Trashcan? I want to have a surrealist interlude with him where he chokes on air freshener before he can use his smell o ring on me."
"This is the past, Master Brian, remember? S. Mal Jordain hasn't been introduced as a character in this series yet. Will you snap out of this badly out of continuity characterisation and stop wearing that terribly colour unco-ordinated outfit?" Albumin reflected that this was worse that those tacky episodes with the technicolour rainbow and the zebra-striped Badsuits. Badman was now wearing a purple cape, red top. yellow sleeves, red leotards and purple boots. It looked as if Deuce the Badcat had thrown up on a conventional outfit.
"I'm the gard-dammed Badman of Zap-And-Zwype, Albumin!"
"Master Brian, I am your aide, your medic and confidant, not your asylum keeper. Behave yourself!"
Actually, no, he didn't. Badman went on the prowl again and collided with Big Jim Google, who for some reason was dressed in a motorcycle jacket, black leather leotard which showed off his hairy chest and fishnet stockings, as well as a mask. He beat up Slotham police officers who made fun of his outfit, and then hopped on his daughter Barbarella's motorcycle, heading off to the docks, where he beat up another crowd of policemen who mocked his dodgy fashion sense. Badman was smitten, threw a molotov cocktail at the derisive law enforcement officers, which missed, and he and Big Jim had al fresco sex. They kept their masks on because it was allegedly kinkier that way, even if Big Jim's identity was ridiculously obvious. It just looked tackier, particularly as Badman was still infliicting his gard-dammed awful Zap-and-Zwype outfit on the people of Slotham.
Afterwards, Badman sulked for the next several months, leading to the advent of yet another Bat Mythos rip off, Badgirl, alias Slotham gangland princess Barbarella Google, while the reformed Robber the Boy Plunder materialised in the FBUS satellite as continuity proceeded and carved out a new life for himself as first Lightswitch and then the slightly renamed Lightpower:
The FBUS teleporter activated and a strangely familiar form materialised:
"Wow! He has got one cute chiselled ass!" objectified Princess Power.
"FBUS biometrics identify this as Dirk Grierson, former teenage ward of bankrupt Slotham City zillionaire Brian Payne."
"Shut up, Black Vulcan! That's supposed to be my secret identity."
"Hey, look, we've just been through a major multiversal upheaval and I'm busy fixing the Troubalert. Cut me some slack, bro."
"Wait a minute- it's the FBUS' old younger foe from the Duo of Darkness- Robber the Teen Plunder."
"Not any more. I got tired of the homoerotic lechery from Badman and fortunately, I won a case for sexual harassment from him. I'm straight now."
"Hetero fink!" muttered Captain Swift.
"No, I'm still gay. It's just that Badman is starting to get tubby and speaks erratically."
Mermaid gasped: "So, what you're saying is that Badman h-h-has... Shatnerosis?"
"Yes. He can hardly squeeze down the Badpole into our secret headquarters and on one recent outing, the Badrope broke. He can't fit into the Badmobile anymore and Albumin, our loyal zombie retainer, has him on a diet. He's acting strangely."
"Yes, but he's always been a little camp. How is that any different from usual?" Mr Might queried.
"Quiet, Barb-El. This is serious. If Badman is starting to falter, then who will end up ruling the Slotham City underworld in this stead?"
Dirk then met Hamish MacHunk at Warlock Manor in Peculiar Place and fell in love with him, getting married and so on. Meanwhile, Badman overate, got stuck in the Badcave, died and was then conveniently resurrected as a much younger and slimmer character, teaming up with Badgirl and boring Slotham City senseless as time went on. Yes, I know the title promised a confrontation between Badman and the Freedom Brigade, but really, this is retconning to explain how Robber defected from Badman's side and why. A Frank Miller parody seemed the best way to do that.
THE END